Where's Harry?
I don't know. I can't feel when he's not around.
I hope he gets back soon so we can play Wizards to Toku or something.
Oh my god, look what I found!
Is that a book?
I know a thing or two about books and that's a book.
It's not just any book, guys.
Is it a young adult vampire romance novel?
Anyway, I just happened to find this book and snaved bedroom in a locked trunk under his bed.
It's his diary!
Wow, shall we read it?
I've got a better idea. Let's read it!
Oh, what a fascinating character study this will be.
Okay, this is the first entry. Dear diary.
Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast.
It was flavorless and watery.
I thought of my mother.
I cried.
I'm hungry!
What else is new, fatty?
Let's get to the good stuff.
Today I put on my raincoat and travelled to Nocturne Alley.
I purchased a pair of fancy mice.
When I brought them home, one devoured the other and then died of loneliness.
I felt envy.
This is hilarious!
Oh, look Harry, I see your name!
Oh, you're good at reading, am I?
What?
Today that Potter boy showed me his middle finger.
When I attempted to punish him with detention,
he shoved me into a wall screaming,
Bother, Bother, over and over.
Later he and his orange friend repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness.
Tonight I prayed for the first time in twenty years.
I prayed for the end.
I remember that, Ron. Give me five.
You already took my money, Harry.
Never mind.
I lost a button on my cloak today.
Minerva pointed it out in front of the entire faculty.
Oh cruel attention.
Button, oh button, aware hath thou fled.
Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread?
Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist?
How I wish I could follow thee into the mist.
What is a bosom, Harry?
Um.
Yeah, tellin', Harry.
Oh look, another page.
Today while in the bathtub,
I fell asleep and had a nightmare.
I was riding a festival through a thunderstorm.
Every thunder clap resolved into their voices.
Bother, Bother, suddenly it became music.
I was at the Yule Ball with Lily Evans.
I asked her to dance.
She asked me to die.
I would that I could, Lily.
Would that I could.
My mom was awesome.
When I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bathwater.
And I was late for golf with Lucius Malfoy.
I like prunes.
Did somebody say prunes?
I said prunes.
How did he know?
What are you monkeys up to, studying for class?
No, we're invading Professor Snape's privacy
by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room.
You don't have any prunes, do you?
I'm afraid not.
I'm very disappointed in you, Harry.
Okay, back to the stinky book.
Today the orange one accidentally drank one of my more expensive elixirs.
He promptly vomited a glittering rainbow of foul waste
and the classroom erupted with applause, triggering my migraine.
I aborted the class and was left to clean the boys' sick.
Halfway through, Argus Filch showed up and bragged about his many affairs
with Hogsmeade barmaids.
Then he told me I smelled of broccoli
and left without wishing me a happy birthday.
Later, I noticed my bottle of sangria was gone.
I settled for a cup of coffee,
scalding my writing hand in the process and spilling it on my pants.
I walked to the hospital wing, covering the wet spot with a book.
Madame Palmfrey laughed at me and made me wait
while she treated a student's runny nose.
After an hour, it became apparent that she had forgotten about me,
so I returned to my room and found that I had locked myself out.
I called for Filch, who turned up covered in lipstick
and clearly having finished the sangria.
He broke open my door, laughed at me,
punched me in the shoulder too hard, and left me alone.
I thought of my father. I cried.
This got boring. Let's write a new entry.
That's a really fun idea!
Here's one of the quills I carry with me at all times.
Okay. I am Snape.
I'm so sad because I poop my pants all the time.
I don't have any friends because I stink like broccoli and poop.
I teach potion to Harry Potter,
and it's really boring because he's so cool,
and it makes me have depression.
Okay. I think I'll go cry now, but not before I poop my pants,
because bye.
Can I try?
Be my guest.
I am S.
Okay, Ron. That was a good try.
Somebody knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room.
Wait a minute. That book! What are you doing?
Snape! Ron stole your diary!
What? You didn't read it, did you?
Oh, he read it all right. He read it all.
This is unacceptable!
I liked the story about the button, Snape.
You... you did?
It made me sad. Thinking about that little button,
lost and alone. I hope you find your button, Snape.
So do I, Orange One.
Um, so do I.
I... I like buttons!
