Hello and welcome to Spectrum TV. We're going to be talking today about bereavement, not a particularly pleasant subject I know, but something that affects all of our lives.
I'm with Glenys Benford Lewis, who's an integrative therapist. Hi Glenys, thanks for joining us today.
I'm particularly thinking back to 2016 and a lot of people in the public eye were dying and it just kind of struck me that there seemed to be a constant stream of pouring of grief really and it just got me thinking that perhaps we need to know how to manage our grief and bereavement and this is the work you do and I'd love you to tell us a little bit about that.
Thank you. I think you raised a really important point that last year, 2016, we saw a lot of celebrities, a lot of famous people that we had a lot of bereavements and that impacted on not only their families but society's communities.
Very often that can give people permission to actually allow their own grieving process to occur, so sadly every day there is a bereavement in somebody's family, in somebody's home, but in our society it's still quite a taboo subject, it's a subject that's not often talked about and most importantly is when we know that a pre bereavement is about to happen, that's the very time when we need to be addressing the issues.
That's the crucial time to be talking about this.
So that we have what we call no unfinished business once the death has occurred, so if we talk about families that are caring for loved ones with dementia or Alzheimer's, their loved ones are still present in their life but because of the disease they are fading, their personality, their interaction, so those loved ones are already grieving because they're not able to have that interaction.
And very often there's a lot of physical, mental, emotional demands placed upon them, so they're already in what we call anticipated grief and then when the death does occur they continue that grieving process.
But is that lessened, I guess, by the fact that they've built up to the grief so that when it actually happens, I think as opposed to a situation where somebody dies very suddenly, is it a different kind of grief if you've been anticipating it as opposed to it happening all of a sudden then?
I think you're absolutely right, there's lots of different ways, if it's an expected death, if it's a problematic death, if it's a sudden death.
But where we have the opportunity in an anticipated grief, it means that we can say the things we need to say, do the things we need to do, but it doesn't actually lessen completely the grieving process.
What it does, it means people can look back and say we did the best we could, we had no unfinished business, we asked them what would they need to be, what would they like and that's why it's so important about making a will and again writing down your own personal funeral wishes.
Because that's the greatest gift that we can give our loved ones and family, if we can do that to them, that's the last thing they carry out for us and it helps the grieving process to know that they've got it right.
Because sometimes in families, if it's not spoken about and very often people don't want to talk about this subject, it's not popular, I'm afraid if I talk about it it may happen, but it's about having the conversation and saying I'd like to be buried, I'd like to be cremated.
Then the family can come together at a time when they need to be supporting each other and knowing the right song, the right moment, the right flower, that will help.
It's amazing how we treated us to boo as though it's something that's never going to happen, but if you notice the old saying goes death and taxes is something that's going to come to us all, so it just goes to show I guess that the anticipation of it is pretty horrendous.
When we talk about managing grief and bereavement then, are issues surrounding and resolved grief?
They can be, especially if we talk about children and young people because they don't have the cognitive or the emotional intelligence to deal with life changing experiences as they grow.
When they have a bereavement they process it very different to us, there's something that happens with children that as long as they're given the honesty, the truth, the time to listen and given the opportunity to ask questions,
my role specifically when I work with children and young people is to enable them to build their resilience.
Not everybody needs bereavement counselling if they have good family support, if they have good support at school, if they belong to different organisations.
We're looking at treating them holistically and giving them the questions, the explanations, but the grieving process is much longer.
Each age group they get to, they'll have different questions, different terminology, different understanding.
In order for them not to have any unfinished business or unresolved grief when they go into adulthood, that's why it's so important that we enable us to give them the right time, appropriate support at the right time.
Just good that there are people around like you, but I think some people feel they should be having some counselling and it's not for everybody, so it's not the case that if you don't have the counselling and deal with what's happened in your life,
it's going to crop up further down the line and cause you problems because we're all built differently in the end.
There's lots of different support out there, some people can come one to one and have counselling, there's bereavement support groups, there's support online, people have telephone support,
email support, not everybody can sit in the situation that we're in at this moment, to some people it's too challenging.
So it's making people aware that there's lots of different agencies out there, there's lots of different organisations that help in different ways because we're all different.
Of course, and because we are all unique then I guess people grieve in different ways.
Absolutely, so you can't approach it as a blanket kind of of compassion and for the people that need counselling I guess that's the way to deal with it is to assess them as individuals.
Do you have anything in process, I'm just thinking about a child who's lost a parent or was going to lose a parent, I mean it must be a very difficult thing to explain to a young child,
the meaning of life for almost and that they're no longer going to have a parent pretty soon, they're going to be well certainly without a parent.
How do you go about that, how do you deal with a child who's grieving?
In some situations where it's a pre bereavement.
Do they actually understand though that I'm saying when I talk about a child grieving, that child might not understand what's happening,
so how would you prepare them, bearing in mind that you know that the parent's going to die?
In an ideal world, the first experience in an ideal world a child would have of grief and bereavement is if a pet has died.
And we should never underestimate the attachment and the love and the bond that children and people and adults have to their animals,
it's really really important.
If family members aren't they really?
Absolutely, and sometimes they can be the one that is constantly there, the constant reassurance,
they're always listening, they never repeat what you say, they're very loyal,
so if a child has a pet death then we would put the guinea pig for example into a box,
we would dig a hole in the garden which is primarily a funeral,
so we are allowing that child to experience that feeling of grief and love and loss in an ideal world.
Yes, of course.
So when a child, when I go into a family and there is an imminent death or a life limiting illness,
and I will go in to support the family and to support the child to prepare them that this person is going to die
and how they might be feeling, they'll have this rollercoaster of emotions,
so that they again can say the things they need to say and do the things they need to do.
So there's a lot of preparation in that time.
When the death occurs, so if we say for example that it's their mum that has died,
all I do then is we create a memory box and it can be a shoe box that belongs to mum,
it can be a box that they've bought and in there we put all the photographs, the tickets to a show,
anything that holds a memory for that child and that mother, so that's their memory box.
There it becomes a life box, so then I encourage the child and the family,
every time that child achieves a certificate, when they get an award for something,
when it's Mother's Day, to put those into the box.
So as that child will grow, say, 5, 10, 15, 20, then their attachment and that continuing bond to that parent continues.
That's a wonderful idea. It's obviously very effective.
It works.
You do find over time that that is quite untested really.
So when that child grows up and meets her significant other,
she's able then to produce the box and say, this is my mum,
and if she chooses to go on to have children, it's important that her children know who the grandmother was.
It's important that we have identity.
So that parent may not physically be in that child's life, but they always will be connected.
So it's what we call a continuing bond.
Yes indeed.
In terms of unresolved grief then, what would be the effects
of somebody who's just decided, well, not consciously decided,
but it's an awful time to lose somebody.
It's an horrific time.
And if that person has decided that they just don't want to deal with it
and they never deal with it and somewhere down the road,
it rears its ugly head, what are the signs and symptoms of unresolved grief?
Because we're all individuals,
we all have different skills in how we deal and process life's changes, life experiences.
And we have to remember that grief is not exclusive to bereavement.
Lots of children and people and adults experience grief through losses in different ways.
Divorce, separation, somebody immigrating, etc.
It's all a form of grieving isn't it?
It's all a form of grieving.
And sometimes if a person isn't able to cope with the emotion and the pain,
they shut it down and they can spend a lot of their time really working hard
on suppressing that emotion.
Some people suddenly become very, very busy, very, very active.
And what they're doing, they're distracting.
And it's a coping strategy.
But it's one that very often can make people very ill,
physically, emotionally, because it's a strain.
And then what can happen, sometimes, years down the line,
an incident will happen and it will just trigger the grief.
And sadly some people...
So they're storing it up then for a later date?
Because not everybody's good at talking,
not everybody's a good at expressing their emotion.
So that's why when I'm working, I work creatively,
finding another way of expressing that grief.
And some people have their own unique way.
Others are very articulate.
Some people will use letter writing.
Some people will use art.
I will work with what's best for that individual.
So I'm not expecting them to go somewhere
that they're not comfortable with and familiar with.
So if this grief stays there and is unresolved,
then sometimes people choose less than positive coping strategies.
So it could be that it ends up,
and I'm not saying this happens to everyone,
but sometimes people may turn to drugs or to alcohol
to numb the pain down because it's just too painful.
It's a coping mechanism for them,
maybe not the right route to take,
but it works for them or seemingly so.
Some people may do it short-term, some people may do it long-term,
but it's about giving people the opportunity to say
that there are different services out there.
There are free charities, free organisations,
there's cruise bereavement care,
there's the children's bereavement network,
there's compassionate friends.
There's lots of different ways that people can access help
when they don't always want to talk face-to-face.
Some prefer to do it, as I said, on the phone,
for via email, Skype.
It's what's making it comfortable for that particular individual
in that particular time.
The other thing we need to be mindful is
if we have a bereavement in a family,
and there may be three or four children,
they will have all experienced the same bereavement,
but they won't process it the same.
Of course.
People are different.
As I've said, there's no blanket approach.
No, one shoe doesn't fit all.
Absolutely.
Well, death and dying is not a nice subject,
but I would think in those circumstances
to have people like you around is a lovely thing.
How will people get in contact with you?
I could be somebody watching this today
who's thinking I'm really needing to talk to somebody
about the loss or the anticipated loss of a loved one,
and they're looking for somebody like you to talk to.
I have a website, which is Cattic Consultancy,
and then there's email and telephone.
Even if people just want to ring up for advice,
that's okay.
Thanks to Glenys for that very helpful interview,
and here's a reminder of how you can contact her.
You can join us again soon
when Glenys will be talking about bereavement-related Alzheimer's and dementia.
So, until next time, goodbye.
