So, as you can see, I'm still single.
What?
I know.
I'm in my 30s now, and I'm still single, so in Los Angeles, I'm a commodity, but in
the South, I'm a lesbian.
The math is different there.
And like all my friends are getting married now, which is great, but as soon as one of
your friends gets married, what do they immediately say to you, right?
You know what you should do, Sarah?
You should get married.
You should get married.
Like I'm just turning down proposals left and right.
Like I'm like, pfft, no hot guy at Starbucks.
I'm not ready.
I have options here.
I don't know.
I did get a fuck buddy recently.
Well, it can be Christmas all year long, that's all I'm saying, unwrap the present.
And the other morning, I was leaving his house like a gentleman, because I stayed the night
because I'm a gentleman.
And he says, I'm like putting on my high heels because I was all dressed up from the night
before, and he's like, oh, it's going to be so cute to see you do the walk of shame out
of here.
And I was like, I am not ashamed of what I did in here, you know what I mean?
Like I can do the walk of shame if I leave the movie real steel with a smile on my face.
And then I can fucking, that's shameful, you know, I can be ashamed if I leave claim jumper
and I'm still hungry, like that's fucking stupid, you know, I'll be ashamed if I vote
Republican and I'm proud of it, like I'm not going to, but that's shameful, like this,
I can hold my head up high, I made you come twice wearing a dress, I didn't get anything
on it.
I'm fucking proud of myself.
You should be high-piving me as I go out of the door, there should be a reception line.
Talking to Starbucks like a gentleman.
Sarah, are you on your way to work?
What?
Yes.
Right after I take a shower.
You don't want to push it with men though, right?
Like I've pushed it with men before where you're like, this next guy is going to be
the one.
He doesn't even know it yet, it's a surprise.
Do that, right?
You psych yourself up, you're like, nothing he says is going to go wrong is me, perfect,
I already know it.
My friend set me up with this really hot Irish guy and I was stoked.
And then halfway through the dinner conversation, he drops it on me that he has a nine-year-old
and I was like, yeah, well, we need a ring bearer, let's focus, yeah.
And then he drops it on me that he doesn't have a job and he lives in a pool house and
I was like, I like to swim, you're hot.
And then he dropped it on me that he doesn't drink and I was like, oh my God, you're a
fucking loser.
Oh my God.
Like we are not going to do this sober, ever.
I can't date an Irish guy that doesn't drink.
That's like dating a Mexican that's infertile, fuck off man, I'm not in.
I love telling that joke because white people get so weird.
Like oh my God, there's a Mexican guy right over there.
Don't laugh or he'll stab us with a shiv in the parking lot.
I saw it, I saw it on lock up like three weeks ago, don't, calm down, I'm not a racist because
there are a lot of white people that I don't like.
Like Asians.
So I feel like I'm fucking it.
