Thank you very much. I must tell you what happened last night.
You see, in television there are three cameras, and each camera has a red light, and when
the red light is on, you know that that camera is working, so you face that way and you smile.
Well, so, watching the red light gets what you have, and whenever I see it, I give it all my price and I love it.
Well, last night I smiled at a man's tail light all the way into the moon.
And, uh, how about all this power for me?
You know, television is a very expensive media. You know the fellow that put this makeup on me?
I had to pay him $75, and, um, I know what you think.
I tried, he wouldn't give back to my name.
And, uh, clothes is a terrific item. Now, on radio, you can wear anything.
You know, when I first started, every time I wore a new suit, my director Ralph Levy would say, uh, George, that one photograph.
I bought seven suits before I found out his brother owned a tailor shop.
But they do cut corners wherever they can.
Now, in our living room, we have a humidor.
If you went to buy that humidor in a store, it would cost you $40.
The property man made that tent.
Of course, I had to buy the original from the users of modern.
And that property man can make anything. We had, uh, oh, pardon me.
He's the man who watches my close-ups.
I'll, uh, I'll work on your nails later, Bob.
And, uh, that property man, he can make anything.
We had a sequence where I was supposed to eat an apple, and he made them out of wax.
And I rehearsed that scene 15 times, and I ate 15 wax apples.
You know, I got to like them.
Went home, made a real apple, and got as sick as a dog.
And we had a rain sequence in this, um...
Oh, thank you.
Now, let's see.
Frankfooters, Frankfooters...
Oh, here we are.
For desperate else, Frankfooters should not be cooked long.
Gracie believes everything she reads.
She was frying fish, and I had to buy her a new dress.
The recipe said, roll in cracker crumbs.
I wonder who that is.
Looks familiar, but...
Mrs. Byron?
Oh, yeah?
Mrs. Byron?
Yeah!
All right.
Oh, there you are.
I'm Ralph Handley from Business Administration.
I'm going to take care of your income tax this year.
Oh, thank goodness. We're tired paying it ourselves.
Um, go sit down.
I don't make out the... I mean, I don't pay the tax, I just make it out.
Oh, I see. Well, look, here's some papers here, and the rest you'll find in the den.
Oh, all right.
Oh, but before you go, there's something I'd like to know.
Oh, what is it?
Well, um, let's go in the kitchen. I have some things on the stove.
Oh, come on. All right.
It's right this way.
Fine.
Is this right down?
All right.
Oh, would you like a cup of coffee?
Yes, yes, I would.
All right.
See you here.
Oh, I think you'd better drink it out of a cup.
Oh, oh, yes.
There you are, and there's the carnation.
Oh, fine. Thank you.
Now, Mr. Handley, I'd like to ask you something.
What does the government do with all the money we give them in taxes?
Well, now let's see if I can explain it.
You see, part of the tax dollar goes to run the Army and Navy.
Part goes to the post office, the State Department, the Department of Agriculture.
The rest of the dollar pays the salaries of the President, Congress, and so on.
I thought so.
If they can do all that with one dollar, then who gets the rest of the money?
I'll look that up for you.
Oh, no, no, now wait a minute.
Now, if we pay the salaries of the congressmen and the senators,
we're supporting them, aren't we?
Well, yes.
Yes.
Well, then why can't we list them as dependents and deduct them?
I'll look that up, too.
No, no, no, wait a minute.
And now here's something else I'd like to know.
Do the Republicans have to pay part of Mr. Truman's salary?
Yes, of course.
That's certainly rubbing it in, isn't it?
Yes.
Ah, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Ah, it's all finished.
You must like toast.
Oh, no, this isn't to eat, you know.
You see, it takes 30 seconds to cook one piece of toast.
And by the time I toast ten pieces, I know that my five-minute eggs are done.
Instead of that, why don't you just use a clock?
No, it wouldn't fit in the toaster.
I'd better get started.
Gracie, could I see you for a minute?
Oh, hello, Harry.
Excuse me, I forgot my briefcase.
Oh, by the way, this is Mr. Hanley, our income tax man.
And this is Harry Morton, our neighbor.
How do you do?
How do you do, honey?
I'd better go in the damage.
Oh, no, look, just one more thing.
Will our taxes be higher this year?
Oh, yes, everybody's well.
Oh?
Well, then I'd better whip up some more carnations.
I don't get that, Gracie.
Well, you see, I'm not going to get that.
I don't get that, Gracie.
Well, you see, when you, when you chill a can of carnation
and you put it in a bowl and you add a little lemon juice,
it whips just like whipping cream,
and you save 50 cents on every can.
That's how I'm saving our income tax money.
Well, look.
What are you going to do with all those bowls of whipped carnation?
Oh, let the government worry about that.
I'm just saving money.
I better get to work.
See, Gracie, what I wanted to see you about
tomorrow is Blanche's birthday,
and I don't know whether to get her a wristwatch
or a new outfit or maybe a diamond ring.
Well, let's see now.
Oh, just a minute.
Mr. Handley.
Yes?
Is a gift to your wife deductible?
No, it isn't.
I don't know whether to get a bobby socks,
Kleenex, or a bottle of ink.
Look, I don't want to be inclusive, Harry,
but how old is Blanche?
Oh, that's the secret known only to two people,
Blanche and her twin brother.
Well, I didn't know she had a brother.
Oh, sure.
He died at the age of 75.
Oh, that's too bad.
I hope he didn't die of anything serious.
I know what Blanche would like,
a new alligator bag.
Yeah, I'll surprise her and put it in the candy box
so she won't know what it is.
Oh, this is a great idea.
Oh, thanks, Harry,
but you would have thought of it if I hadn't.
Thanks for the work.
See, Gracie, don't tell Blanche,
because it's a secret and I wouldn't...
Excuse me, what are you pouring in there?
Bourbon.
I'm fixing some pickle beats.
Well, uh, when they're ready, send me a fib.
All right.
Goodbye, Harry.
Oh, the red light is on again.
Uh, how do you like the way Gracie pickles vegetables?
You know if she keeps that up,
I'll have to join a sparrigus anonymous.
And if she keeps on whipping Carnation to pay our tax,
the government is going to have a white Christmas.
You know, oh, there's Mr. Miller, our baker.
My, my, my, he's all dressed up today.
Just look at him.
Uh, come in, Mr. Miller.
Come in.
It's me, Mr. Miller.
Oh, come on in, Mr. Miller.
Hello, Mr. Burns.
Hey, take a look at you.
I'm glad to see you.
Thank you.
You look real sharp today.
Thank you.
Sit down.
Well, um, what brings you here?
Well, as I'm here to ask for a favor.
Yes.
First, have a cigar.
Thank you.
Uh, have one of mine.
Oh, thank you.
Have another one of mine.
Have another one of mine.
Have another one of mine.
Well, have another one of mine.
That's the end of this bit.
Uh, what's the favor you want to ask, Mr. Miller?
Well, our club is giving a banquet,
and we would be so honored if you would appear.
Mr. Miller, it would be a pleasure.
Wonderful.
Have another one of mine.
I like it better the first way.
I thought you would.
Yeah, when is this affair being held?
Next Sunday night at the Plaza Casina,
when I want my friends out of school should meet you.
I would be so proud to present such a big celebrity.
I'm not such a big celebrity.
But yours is.
Oh, Schultz is the celebrity.
Yeah, but Chrysler doesn't make a while in.
This man, Schultz, doesn't make a sack of flour.
He's good, huh?
A genius.
Well, you know, before Schultz come along,
it took two men to make a pretzel,
one to tie the ends, and the other to hold his finger on the nut.
I'd like to shake his hand if he ever takes it out of the flour long enough.
You know, Mr. Miller.
Why, Mr. Miller?
Hello, Mrs. Burns.
Why, how nice you look.
You know, I always wondered what you were under your apron.
Thank you.
Oh, George, I was talking to Mr. Hanley,
and he said something about community property law.
What is that?
Well, it's a law that means half of everything I've got is yours
and half of everything you've got is mine.
Oh, I see.
All right, goodbye.
Goodbye, dear.
I'm Mrs. Burns.
Sit down, Mr. Miller.
Now, this is a fair Sunday night, Mr. Miller.
Yeah?
Then how come I only get one-fourth of what we make?
Well, let's see if I can work that out.
There you are.
There are four cigars.
Yeah.
Now, half of everything I've got is yours.
There are two.
Yes.
Now, half of everything you've got is mine.
Do you see how that works?
Yeah.
Oh, sure.
I do.
All right, goodbye, dear.
Goodbye, dear.
Bye.
Bye.
Wait a minute.
Let's do that again and let me have the cigars.
Now, let's see.
Half of everything I've got is yours.
There it is.
And how does the second part go?
Half of everything you've got is mine.
Oh, yeah.
You're right, George.
It comes out the same each time.
Oh, George.
You must get very disgusted being married to a woman who has so much trouble understanding
things like this.
Yeah, sometimes it comes in real handy.
Oh, goodbye, dear.
Goodbye.
Here's the mirror.
Thanks.
Oh, Bill.
Hi, Gracie.
Hey, Bill.
Huh?
Would you help me out, please?
Yeah.
Quickly.
Well, would you let me have four dollars?
Four dollars?
Yeah.
Three, four.
Thank you.
Now, let me see.
Half of everything I've got is yours.
There.
Now, half of everything you've got is mine.
And he, I wish I were married to you.
Well, I owe George five dollars.
That makes us even.
Thank you, all right.
Bill, come right in.
Thank you.
You know, Mr. Miller.
Oh, yes.
Hello, Mr. Miller.
You know, Mr. Goodman.
How are you?
Oh, pardon me.
Yes, Mr. Halley.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Mrs. Burns.
There's an item here I don't understand.
Well, she's gone.
Maybe I can help.
Oh, maybe.
Here it is.
Seventy-five dollars phonograph for goldfish.
Yeah, I can explain that.
You see, Mrs. Burns takes the goldfish bowl and puts it on the phonograph.
And when it spins around, the fish get their exercise without swimming.
Oh, thanks.
The dent is that way.
Oh, yeah.
George, what's the matter with him?
Gracie.
Oh.
Oh, Mr. Miller, I shall be at the banquet Sunday.
Good.
Oh, I almost forgot something.
Oh, say, listen, Mr. Miller, are the wives going to be there, too?
Oh, George.
Well, how about using me as master of ceremonies?
Oh, it's wonderful.
Yes.
Here, have a cigar.
Well, thank you.
Here.
Have one of these.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
I'll take the rest of them in the kitchen.
I'll help you carry them.
You've got most of them now.
Say, listen, George, when I'm the MC Sunday night, I'm going to give you a wonderful introduction.
Now, why don't you pretend that you're in the wings?
See, back there, and I'll show you how it goes.
Okay, but I'll take these with me.
Well, all right.
Now, Mr. Miller, let's pretend this is the speaker's table.
Yeah, sure.
Sit down.
Oh, Mr. Goodman.
Yeah.
Please, make it with dignity, because in the front row will be sitting Schultz.
Who's Schultz?
He's the first man ever to tie a pretzel the hard way.
The wing is waiting for the introduction.
I'm going to do it now, George.
Okay.
Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen, and especially you, Mr. Schultz, how are you?
Well, it gives me great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, to say, would you mind telling me,
Mr. Schultz, does your wife use a carnation evaporated milk?
That's the milk from contented cows.
She does, huh?
She uses it all the time?
Oh, wonderful.
Here, have a cigar, Mr. Schultz.
George, did you hear what Mr. Schultz said?
Of course.
What am I deaf?
Why, Schultz?
George, you waved at the wrong fella.
Oh, I shall say, see you later.
Mr. Schultz, other housewives can take a lesson from your wife.
You know that, what's that?
Speak right up, Mr. Schultz, I can't hear you.
Yes?
Well, certainly.
Well, I'll be glad to show them.
You wait just a second.
Now look.
Carnation evaporated milk, just as it pours from the can,
can be used instead of cream, or just like cream.
You see, it whips like cream.
Then, when you want milk, all you have to do is add an equal amount of water.
Like that.
And there you have milk that costs about one-third less than bottled milk, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, Mr. Schultz, what do you think of a thing like that?
Isn't that for that nice introduction?
And Mr. Miller will be at the banquet Sunday.
Oh, again, I almost forgot to think.
To show my appreciation, I baked you a cake.
Oh, now, Mr. Miller, you didn't have to do that.
It ain't so big, but I used my own special recipe.
Oh, now, Mr. Miller, thank you very, very much.
Yeah, that's nice.
On the way, wait until you taste this frosting.
It's smooth, no graininess.
Well, thank you.
One look.
Just took a look at that texture.
Yeah, well, it's pretty.
You see, it ain't yummy.
It grumbles.
It must feel delicious.
I'll go get a broom and sweep it up for lunch.
Mr. Goodman, yes, yes, Mr. Miller.
Just take a look.
Did you ever see such quality?
Wow, wow, that's beautiful.
I just spent a half hour with Mr. Hanley, our taxman,
and he's having a little problem.
Gracie's got him confused.
She's got a system where we don't have to pay any tax.
She says if you owe the government $5,000,
you make out a return for $10,
and in that way the government owes you $5,
and you owe them $5, and you're even.
He didn't look too well when I left.
Oh, there's Gracie now.
Come on in a minute, honey.
I haven't got time. Are you going to the book review?
Oh, sure.
Oh, good. I'll see you later.
Oh, Blanche, look, this time let's get different seats.
You know that Clara Bagley drove me crazy the last time.
Wasn't that annoying?
Not Clara Bagley.
Gossip, gossip, gossip.
The whole time the book review was going on.
I know you couldn't understand a word that was being said.
Not one word.
This time let's get seats right next to Clara.
Sure.
Oh, coming.
I've got to go. Oh, by the way,
I helped Harry pick out your birthday present today.
You did? Well, tell me about it.
I don't know. I can't.
It's just a surprise.
Gracie, you can't leave me like that.
You've got to tell me.
How then?
Gracie, I haven't seen you.
Mrs. Burns, there's another item here that's got me puzzled.
Under medical expenses, you've got one full-length mirror, $50.
Oh, yes, yes.
I had to buy that for my father,
so he wouldn't get pneumonia.
Believe it or not, I'm still puzzled.
Well, you see, when he only had a half-length mirror,
he was always walking out without his pants on.
Any questions?
No.
Well, come on, Gracie. Tell me all about the present.
What is it?
No, no, you get back out here. You tell me.
You can't do this to me.
Let me guess.
Well, all right.
Is it new-sto?
Well, as long as you're that close, I'll tell you.
It's an alligator bag.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Just what I've been wanting.
Yes. Well, I'm glad you're no-blanched,
because Harry is going to put it in a candy box,
and I was afraid you'd eat it.
Oh, Gracie, what are you going to wear to the Book of U.S.S. News?
The same suit.
Oh, it's for us again.
There you are. Have you got the car keys?
Oh, yes, dear.
Hello, Harry.
Hello, Gracie.
Say, Gracie.
Hmm?
Don't tell Harry about the alligator bag.
Well, he knows about it. He's buying it.
No, no, no. I mean, don't tell him. You told me.
Oh!
That's loud.
Yes.
Okay.
Yes, dear. Right here.
What are you grinning about?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Oh, Gracie invited us over for dinner tomorrow night.
Celebrate my birthday.
I'll have my pickle beat straight.
Mrs. Burns!
Oh, that's Mr. Hanley. Excuse me.
Well, of course, dear.
Say, Blanche, I don't want to have dinner here.
Gracie's cooking is terrible.
Gracie is just as good a cook as I am.
I wouldn't go that far.
But it's terrible.
Now, we're not going to discuss it.
We're coming here for dinner, and that's the end.
I know, but what a way to go.
Very funny.
Very, very funny.
Oh, say, Harry.
Come here and look at this.
Here's a picture of George and Gracie when they were married.
George looks frightened.
I'd be scared, too, if I were marrying Gracie.
Say, get a look at George. What a handsome guy.
That's the justice of the peace.
Here's George over here.
Even in peacetime, he looked like a 4F.
Well, it's the clothes he was wearing.
How can anybody be smart in full dress and brown button shoes?
And carrying a ukulele.
So help me, if that ham tries to sing tomorrow night,
I'm going to hit him right over the head with my new alligator bag.
What?
So Gracie told you.
How is the goodness why I ever confide in that nickel ball rule?
Thank you.
You know that picture that Blanche and Harry were looking at?
No.
No.
No.
You know that picture that Blanche and Harry were looking at?
That full dress suit.
I borrowed that to get married.
And a friend of mine placed him the magician.
And he forgot to empty the pockets.
And on our honeymoon, I had to register
Mr. or Mrs. George Burns and Rabbit.
Incidentally, in the next scene, you're going to hear a very clever line.
I happened to know because I wrote it.
George!
That's it.
Yes, Gracie?
George, look, I've just got these.
I'll put them on again for me.
Oh, sure.
Where are you going?
Well, Blanche and I are going to the club.
Oh?
We're having another book review today.
Mrs. Eddinger is going to review that new book of John Gunther's
about General MacArthur.
Oh, he's the fellow that wrote inside USA, isn't he?
He wrote inside Russia and inside Asia.
That's why I'm so anxious to hear this review.
It's the first time Gunther ever wrote a book about inside a general.
Turn around.
I guess he used a small typewriter.
You know, this hole is very, very small here.
I don't know whether I can do this.
Can't you get it?
I'll get it.
Oh, yes, Mr. Halley.
Pardon me.
Mrs. Burns, under personal expenses, you list one wave, $120.
That's right.
What's your question?
Well, isn't that rather high?
Who gave you that wave?
Rita Howard, a friend of mine.
And when I waved back, I drove into a tree.
I see.
Look, Mr. Halley, we were discussing some books.
Oh, yeah?
Would you care to join in?
No, no, no, no, thank you.
Don't you want to improve your mind?
Right now, I'm just trying to hang on for it.
Oh, there's rain.
Are you ready to leave?
Yes, I am.
You know, instead of going to a book review, the thing to do is...
I was just saying, instead of going to a book review, the thing to do is to read them
at home.
Here you are.
What are these?
Well, if we're going to a book review, we want to look intellectual.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, look, you're very smart.
Goodbye, dear.
Goodbye, Einstein.
He picked up a lot of those words in Paris.
Oh, well, let's see that picture that the Mortons were looking at.
Mr. Burns.
I've got to ask.
I've completed your income tax.
All you have to do now is just sign this check.
Well, thank you, Mr. Halley.
Let me help you with your coat.
And it's been a pleasure.
You'll do it again for me next year.
All right.
Mr. Miller.
We owe the government three refrigerators full of whipped cream.
That's right.
Goodbye, Mr. Burns.
Bye.
Bye.
