Carnation Evaporated Milk presents the George Burns and Gracie Allen Show.
Oh, Gracie, are you home?
Oh, more, Gracie.
Oh, Blanche, I finished Professor Bradford's book last night.
Isn't it exciting?
Oh, yes, it's wonderful.
Eat and live.
Yes, I'm so glad that he recommends that because I've been doing both ever since I was born.
But, Gracie, it's the way Professor Bradford says to eat that's so important.
Oh, yes, raw vegetables and roots like the animals eat.
That's right, it makes sense.
Oh, sure, as he says in his first chapter, you never see a sick beaver.
That's right, and think what it will do for our figures.
Yes, yeah.
Well, Blanche, I don't know if I want to be built like a beaver.
Honey, this diet will make you feel younger and live longer.
Did you see the professor's picture on the back cover?
Oh, yes, he's handsome.
You know what I did?
What?
Well, walk me home and I'll tell you.
I called Professor Bradford and he's going to lecture at the next meeting of our Beverly Hills Uplift Society.
Oh, Gracie, that's wonderful.
Then we'll meet him in the flesh.
Well, I don't know.
I think we'd better take a boat on that.
Some of the girls might be afraid of catching cold.
But, Gracie, I didn't...
They might.
Let me walk you home.
Oh, no, no.
Don't bother, please.
I think we ought to get busy and order our vegetables and get started on this diet.
All right.
Oh, say, Gracie, you know, with this diet, you're supposed to do bending exercises and drink lots of water.
Yeah, well, I tried that this morning and I kept spilling the water.
Bye.
Bye.
Thank you very much.
Well, I guess the new craze now is vegetable diets.
If you don't eat grass, you can't be a member of the club.
Gracie's got an aunt, Aunt Clara.
She, uh, she weighed about 180 pounds.
She went on a diet for a month, stayed on it religiously, and when she got off it, she weighed 196.
The doctor told her to eat lamb chops and cottage cheese three times a day, and she did.
After each meal.
Of course, 196 doesn't look bad on Aunt Clara.
She stands almost four feet seven.
You know, women will go for anything if it's stylish.
I'll never forget the first time I saw a woman wearing open-toed shoes and colored toenails.
I thought it was rhubarb sticking out of a torn paper bag.
I bent down to pick it up and she stepped on my cigar.
And, you know, I noticed that the more daring the styles are, the faster they catch on.
Take women's bathing suits.
You know, if you did, they wouldn't miss them.
I went down to the beach yesterday and I couldn't believe my eyes.
I'm going back every day until I believe it.
You know that men go on a style with women, too?
You know, during Valentino's time, the women went for the suave continental type.
There, I don't have to tell you, I missed the boat.
My continental was fine, but my suave was a little rusty.
And years later, they went for the intellectual type.
In school, I used to copy from Maxi Rosenblum's paper.
I missed the boat again.
Then they went for the rugged he-man type.
I faint twice a day, you know.
Sundays.
By the time the women get around to my type, I'll no longer be my type.
But there's one thing about women.
Oh, there's Bobby from the grocery store.
Hey, Bobby.
Mrs. Burns, I thought I ought to check this order with you.
It's nothing but vegetables.
Yes, well, that's what I ordered. We're going on a special diet.
How are you today, Bobby?
Oh, right, I guess.
Why, is something boring you?
Not really.
Oh, now, Bobby, come on, tell me, what is it?
Well, maybe you can help me.
There's something I want to do, but I don't know just how to do it.
You used to be a girl.
Now, if you're thinking of being a girl, don't do it. You have to get all new clothes.
I don't mean that, Mrs. Burns.
I'll take my girl to a movie Saturday and then we'll have some sodas.
Do you think a dollar's enough to spend?
Is that all Mr. Myers pays you?
Oh, no, I get a good salary.
But he held out two dollars this week because I dropped a watermelon.
Two dollars for a watermelon?
I dropped it on a dozen eggs.
Oh, what a shame.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, we're going to a movie and I was thinking a dollar'd be enough to spend for so long.
Oh, there's the door.
Look, will you take that into the kitchen and help yourself to the chocolate cake?
Oh, thanks.
Yes?
Mrs. Burns?
Oh, you're Professor Hayward Bradford, the dying health man.
That's correct.
Oh, I recognize you from your picture, but you're much taller than your book.
You say taller than my book?
Well, I read it sitting down.
Maybe that accounts for it.
But won't you come in?
Well, no, Mrs. Burns, as I told you over the telephone, I'll be most happy to give my lecture at your club.
Now, which lecture would you like?
The $100 lecture or the $200 lecture?
Well, which one is cheaper?
Well, actually, the $200 lecture has more value.
With that, I show you some slides.
Oh, well, now that sounds interesting.
I left the groceries.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, but that's all right, Bobby.
Come in.
Well, what a fine-looking lad.
How old are you, son?
Twelve.
Twelve, eh?
Well, you must have married very young, Mrs. Burns.
Oh, that's not my husband.
No, that's Bobby.
It grows to be boy.
Goodbye, Mrs. Burns.
Thanks for the cake.
Oh, that's all right, Bobby.
Now, Professor, if you'll help me roll up this rug, we can get started.
Roll up the rug?
Yeah, you said you wanted to show me some slides.
Mrs. Burns, I meant photographic slides.
Oh, oh.
Now I'd like to show you my charts.
All right.
Now, with my diet, here is what you get to eat.
You have 46% proteins, 44% carbohydrates, and 10% starches and roughage.
Uh-huh.
No food at all, huh?
Oh, yes, you get quite a lot to eat.
Fruit and green, leafy vegetables.
Milk?
Oh, milk.
Oh, I'm so glad we're going to have milk.
I want to show you something.
You just say milk, didn't you?
Yes.
Well, anyway, I want to show you this.
Look, how's this?
Oh, excellent.
Calcium.
Calculation.
From a contented count.
Yes, I know that, but I merely want to suggest
there's some excellent basis for calcium and vitamin D.
You know, we must have good, strong teeth, mustn't we?
Oh.
Oh, you may.
I always use a can opener.
I'll show you how to do it.
So, Gracie, I'd like to ask you, what are them?
Oh, I didn't know you had company.
Oh, this is Professor Hayward Bradford.
It's a pleasure, Professor.
How do you do?
My husband.
You can see he's much older than 12.
Uh, 12?
Oh, he thought that Bobby was you.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet somebody
who sees things the way Gracie does.
Now, Gracie, I give up.
What happened to the shirt?
Oh, you said you wanted the collar turned.
Uh, yeah, it's true, but now, Gracie,
I'd have to button this in back of me.
I'd have to wear the tie down my back.
Well, isn't that better?
Now, you can't still gravy on your tie
unless you throw it over your shoulder.
Right?
Right.
Professor Hayward Bradford,
right.
Loads of luck.
You know, Professor, he doesn't know it,
but with your die, he won't even get any gravy to spill.
Well, now, let's get back to my lecture.
This is Burns.
I would like to show you this illustration.
Now, these are what we call the living foods.
Now, take the carrot, for example.
It helps one to improve one's vision.
As a matter of fact, it actually helps you to see in the dark.
That's not true about carrots.
And they go, pardon?
They don't help you see in the dark.
I took a carrot down the basement one night,
and until I let it match, I couldn't even see the carrot.
You're supposed to eat the carrots.
They have lots of vitamins.
Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll cook them in boiling water, and I'll kill them.
No, you mustn't cook them.
You see, the carrots are a natural food,
and they must be eaten as mother nature intended.
That's where we get such a good lesson from animals.
Oh, yes, that's the kind of food they eat.
Yes, you've never seen a sick elephant, have you?
Oh, no.
But, of course, you can't go by me.
My doctor's office is very small.
Perhaps I'd better try to find a chart
that's easier to understand.
Oh.
Well, what is it that you don't understand about this one?
Well, things are getting a little blurred.
I'll see you at my lecture.
Oh, all right.
You do want the $200 lecture, don't you?
Oh, yes, and after the lecture,
we'll take out the collection to pay you.
Well, the ladies usually make a little advance.
Oh, well, at our club, you'll just get the money.
We're all married.
Well, hot or cold, I go on a vegetable diet.
But that's life.
When I was a kid, I didn't have any money.
I was broke.
I had eat grass.
So what happened?
Worked hard, saved my money.
I've now got a home in Beverly Hills.
I've got my own swimming pool.
I'm back to grass again.
You know what that diet is?
If you stick to it, they say you live to be 120.
I'd rather eat steak every day and go at 119.
I say, let the animals eat grass
and I'll put ketchup on the animals.
That's what I say.
Oh, there's my neighbor, Harry Morton.
He's been playing a little golf.
Glad Tony am home.
Oh, hi, Harry.
Hi.
You know something, Harry, if you kissed me that way 15 years ago,
you'd still be single.
Now she tells me.
What?
I was just kidding.
Honey, you know that.
That better?
Hey, how about some lunch?
I'm starved.
All I had for breakfast was one piece of toast.
Well, lunch is all ready.
I'll bring it right in.
Good.
Bring it in.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Good.
Playing 18 holes a golf really gives a guy an appetite.
You know, I had to darn the shot in the third hole.
I was lined up right for the green.
I took my driver.
I came right on down through there, cut way over.
What is this?
That's your lunch.
Oh, for a minute I thought you meant I was going to have to eat my lunch.
Look, Blanche, I'm not a rabbit.
Harry, from now on we're going to eat nothing but natural foods.
Raw vegetables, roots, herbs, and berries.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Look, Blanche, I'm a big man.
There's a lot of me to feed.
Here, I can't live on this stuff.
Oh, no.
What about an elephant?
Now you're talking.
I'll have mine medium rare.
Harry, you might as well make up your mind.
We are going on this diet and we're going to try it.
I am not going to eat this.
Come in.
I am not going to eat this stuff.
Who is that?
I'm telling you, I don't know who it is.
But if you think I'm going to eat this sort of thing.
Oh, you are.
Hello.
I thought I'd drop over.
I thought maybe I could get something to eat.
Where's some Gracie home?
I just had a bowl of grass, but I'm still hungry.
Well, you can have part of Harry's lunch.
You can have all of my lunch.
Look, Blanche, this is for golfers.
We'll divide it between you.
Hey, just a minute.
Did you say that Gracie gave you a bowl of grass for lunch?
Yeah, but I'm sorry, Harry.
There's none left.
I might have known that Gracie's responsible for all this.
Oh, Gracie's not responsible for it.
Don't tell me that.
She's always doing some silly, ridiculous thing.
Oh, she is not.
Hey, hey, you're talking about the woman who married me.
That's right.
Side with Harry.
Listen, Burns, because of your wife's screwy ideas, I'm about to get starved to death.
If you think I'm going to stand for that, you're crazy.
Don't let him bully you.
Are you afraid of him because he's six feet two?
No.
I'd be afraid of you if you were five foot two.
Harry, you're acting like a boor.
I've got a good notion to go home to my mother.
I've got a better notion.
Why don't I go home to her?
I'd get some food there.
Well, I'm going to get mother started on this diet, too.
Professor Bradford says that we should eat like the animals.
Mother does that now.
The last time I was there, she ate like a horse.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to insult your mother.
Look, I apologize.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
Oh, you are not.
You think more of a piece of roast beef than you do me.
Oh, Blanche, how can you say medium rare?
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I just read a few pages of Professor Bradford's book.
You know, he sold two million copies.
If all those people become vegetarians,
this might force the price of steak down to $40 a pound.
He says on the first page, not to eat too much,
not to stuff yourself.
Because if you eat turkey and all the trimmings,
this will shorten your life.
My life, it won't shorten.
The turkey's life, I'm not so sure of.
You know, there's nothing wrong with that.
There's just one thing that's bad about his diet.
You don't last long, that's all.
Aside from that one thing.
Hey, Gracie.
Oh, there's Bill Goodwin.
Yeah.
Hi, Gracie.
Oh, hello, Bill.
We're just going shopping.
Oh, hi, Blanche.
Hello, Bill.
What have you got there?
Well, gee, this is the new Carnation Cooks Handbook.
Just hot off the presses.
Bill, it's beautiful.
It must be terribly expensive with all those photographs.
Oh, no, Gracie.
We're letting our Carnation friends have it
for just the cost of printing, $0.35.
I brought them over for you to autograph.
Oh, well, how shall I autograph them?
Gracie Allen and Mrs. George Burns.
Well, let's see now.
Gracie Allen is shorter.
We're both the same height.
Sign them, Gracie Allen.
More people know that name.
But if I do that, people might think George isn't my husband.
Well, that's another good reason.
Bill, what are we laughing at?
Gracie, honey, I said something funny.
Really?
What was it?
Well, I'd rather not repeat it.
Listen, Blanche, I want to tell you...
Those kind of jokes, huh?
Oh!
Well, write it down in a piece of paper
and I'll bring it to the beauty shop.
Say, Gracie, this book is great.
You know, I've never seen a cookbook like this before.
Not only does it give recipes,
but it tells you how to do lots of things.
Sure.
See, I want one of these, Bill.
How does a person get one?
Well, I'll tell you, Blanche,
all you have to do is send your name and address
in $0.35 to Gracie Allen, CBS Hollywood.
Gracie Allen, CBS Hollywood.
You know, as soon as we come back from shopping,
I'm going to get one of these.
Oh, well, good. Let's hurry and shop
before you forget my name.
Yeah, come on.
Come on, Bill.
Whew.
Hi, George.
Did it ever occur to you to ask for a cigar?
Well, you're absolutely right, George.
I'm sorry.
Could I have a cigar, please?
Well, I've got to be going.
I've got to leave this stuff for Gracie here.
Oh, God, just put it there.
What's in it, huh?
Well, this is just the greatest collection
of food that was ever put under one cover, that's all.
Food?
Oh, sure, George.
And look, you know Mary Blake, the Carnation Home Economist?
Yes.
Oh, well, look, here's what she's done.
She has just put in and included the greatest dishes
that you ever tasted.
In there?
Oh, sure. Yeah.
Bill, help yourself.
Come on, come on, we're off the dyke.
Yeah.
Have you got any meat?
Meat.
Well, let me look it up here, George.
Meat.
Now, look, what about some stuffed pork chops
with creamed asparagus?
Stuffed pork chops with creamed asparagus.
Hey, thank you.
Yes.
And for dessert, George, I think we can find some...
What is that, Harry?
What is that, Harry?
Pork chops and creamed asparagus.
Pork chops and tell them what we've got for dessert.
Well, wait till I look under desserts.
Yeah.
Dessert.
How about chocolate chiffon pie with whipped carnation on top?
Chocolate chiffon pie.
Now, Harry and George, let me tell you something.
There are all kinds of good things to eat in here, you see?
Yeah.
And lots of them are made with carnation evaporated milk
because carnation makes your food taste better.
You see, from soup to dessert,
carnation has more uses than any other form of milk.
Now, you can use undiluted carnation just like cream,
and when you mix carnation with an equal amount of water,
you still have milk that's richer than your state standard
for bottlenil.
And yet, carnation costs almost one-third less
than bottled milk, you see?
Look, look, look.
So it is absolutely...
Let's get to the food.
Get to the food.
Open the box.
Open the box.
What's the food?
What's the food?
What's the food?
What's the food?
The food.
In there, the food.
The food we'd like to eat, Belle.
That box is full of cookbooks.
G. Cookbooks?
Well, certainly.
Is this...
You mean there's...
No food?
No, it's just cookbooks.
No.
No, it's just cookbooks and...
I'm empty.
Be my guest.
Sorry.
What's the matter with him?
We guys?
Our wives have put us on a vegetable diet.
Oh, for goodness sakes.
Oh, you married men.
Yeah.
If I had my life to live over,
I'd live over a delicatessen.
Listen, Harry, why don't you tell Blanche this?
Just say, look, Blanche, don't walk in here again
with a vegetable or I'll throw you both out.
Hey, that's a great idea.
Well, of course it is.
You're a genius, Bill.
Well, naturally, it's because I know women.
Well, I'm going right over there and do it.
Well, good.
When she gets the steak to put on my black eye,
I'll eat it.
Thanks, Bill.
Well, Harry Morton got cold feet.
But I found a way to outsmart our wives.
I bought two steaks and I stashed them away
in Harry's refrigerator.
Now, the Mortons are coming over for dinner.
Now, when Gracie starts to serve that IV in alfalfa,
Harry and I will, well, you'll see,
just watch us men go to work.
What's your kidding?
Men are smarter than women.
They run the government.
They make the laws.
They're responsible for our taxes.
We're pretty stupid, you know.
Anyway, these steaks are about...
Oh, there's Blanche and Gracie.
I better get in there.
Come on, honey.
You get busy and finish autographing those carnation cookbooks.
I can finish getting dinner alone.
Can you really?
Of course I can.
Hello, Blanche.
Where's Harry?
Well, he was lying down,
but he'll be over as soon as he shaves and puts on his shoes.
Blanche, why does he shave his feet?
He started when he was very young.
He wasn't tall enough to reach his face.
Oh, say, Judge, you should have been with me this afternoon.
After we finished shopping, I went to the zoo.
Did you have fun?
Oh, yes.
You know, Professor Bradford said we should eat like animals.
Oh, and you went there to see how the animals eat, huh?
Yes.
Yeah, and I got a few good ideas.
Of course, we could never afford to eat $10 bills like the elephants do.
In fact, I don't think they...
Yeah, the elephants eat $10 bills?
Oh, sure.
There was a sign that said,
do not feed elephants peanuts.
I guess nowadays it's cheaper than food.
Oh, and George, there was a mother bear that just had two little cubs,
and in the next cage was the father bear.
Yeah.
And the zookeeper said that they caught him up in Alaska.
So I said, well, he ought to be ashamed of himself running out
in his wife at a time like that.
What did the zookeeper say after you said that?
Well, being a man, he felt guilty,
so he changed the subject to alligators.
Pretty quick thinking.
Yes.
And you know what he told me?
What?
He said that one alligator could make 50 pairs of shoes.
I watched it an hour, didn't even make one pair.
Did you see the lion?
No, the zookeeper said the lion was expecting cubs.
So I said, well, you better keep your eye on that bear.
He'll be all over Alaska again.
You really had a hectic day.
Oh, yes.
And oh, that silly zookeeper made me waste a lot of time
looking for the building where they kept the insects.
The insects?
Yeah, I guess he thought I'd enjoy it.
He said, lady, you ought to go to the bug house.
Yeah, that's that tall building with the white jacket.
That's a very smart place.
Oh, hello, Harry.
Oh, hello, Gracie.
I think I'll see what glasses do.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Did you get the stakes?
This thing, and they're in your refrigerator.
Wonderful.
Now, let's get out of here before the girls get back.
OK.
Goodbye, Gracie.
Harry and I are going to eat in the park
with the grasses greener.
Oh, George.
Harry.
Look, we're going off the diets.
Oh, please.
Gracie, what in the world is the matter with them?
Oh, I don't know.
You know something?
I don't understand men, do you?
No, I don't even understand our husbands.
When you give them vegetables, they want meat.
When we have meat, they want vegetables.
Well, it's like a story my mother used to tell.
You know, there was a man who bought a drugstore,
and then he decided he'd rather have a hardware store.
So he sold them.
Oh, Blanche, these stakes look wonderful.
Aren't they nice?
Yes.
Where'd you get them?
Farmer's Market?
No, I found them in my refrigerator.
Well, anyway, this man sold the drugstore
and bought the hardware store.
But he still wasn't happy with it.
So his wife, who came from a very nice family,
they lived on Knob Hill,
and she didn't want him to sell the drugstore.
Sergeant Gracie will be back in just a moment,
ladies and gentlemen.
Meantime, let's take a look at this new Cook's Handbook
that Gracie's been autographing.
Now, here's a housewife with the Cook's Handbook.
And right here is Gracie's autograph,
contentedly yours, Gracie Allen.
Now, look at this.
96 pages of things every good cook should know.
Everything from the preparation of savory soups
to the correct use of herbs.
Now, look at this.
15 how-to-do-it sections,
with over 200 how-to-do-it photographs
and 23 beautiful full-color illustrations.
Now, there are countless recipes,
each one as good as the next,
and all manner of helpful information
on how to make cooking tastier and easier.
Yes, it's all here, all under one cover,
a cover, incidentally, that's been specially treated
to resist moisture and dirt.
And the ring binding lets you fold the book flat
so you won't lose your place.
Now, to get your copy of this ever-so-practical Cook's Handbook,
ladies and gentlemen, that Gracie's autograph,
here's what you do.
Just send 35 cents, which is the cost of printing,
along with your name and address, to Gracie Allen,
that's CBS Hollywood, California.
In return, you'll receive this personally autographed copy
of the new Cook's Handbook.
Write your letter to Gracie now, and remember,
it's just 35 cents.
And here they are, Carnation's own contented couple,
George and Gracie.
Thank you very much.
Gracie and I will be back again two weeks from tonight.
And don't forget to send for one of these new Cook books.
Oh, yes, they've got wonderful recipes of them.
You're right, I read them.
Gracie, Gracie, why are you whispering?
Well, I autograph so many books of my arm fell asleep,
and I don't want to wake it up.
Well, say good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Well, say good night.
Good night.
In tonight's show, Alan Mowbray appeared as
Professor Bradford and Butch Cavell played Bobby.
Your conductor was Wilbur Hatch.
The George Burns and Gracie Allen show will be back again
in two weeks, and every other week, throughout the summer.
This is Bill Goodwin saying,
good night for Carnation.
This is the CBS television network.
