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Thanks very much. Welcome to Good News. Hope you've had a good week.
So, what's been going on?
Over in Russia, this news reader was caught in the act.
Did anyone else see Stevie Wonder parking his car on the news?
Is it me, or do some people really fear the North of England?
A woman from Auckland has been telling how passengers screamed in terror
as their plane tried to land at Leeds Bradford Airport.
No! Not Leeds!
What else? Well, it couldn't be a week in the news without sexual overlord,
Aiman Holmes, telling us how he makes love.
In, out, into the score.
And finally, there's nothing better than just watching people lose it.
Oh, George Hoss!
He denies it, right? He denies it.
Nevertheless, it's come back.
Because she's been told a horn was hacked.
When the sun didn't matter.
They got so into it, they forgot they were on the news,
they just started making jokes.
This story, a few years ago, about George and this woman
who clearly no longer takes cocaine, judging by her size.
Anyway, George Hoss's born. George Hoss's born.
He'll be dogged by this.
Big news. Well, a special baby has been born this week.
Events have been taking place around the world today
to mark the birth of the 7 billionth person on the planet.
7 billion people!
And still, my brother can't get a girlfriend.
As ever with a big story like this,
the Daily Mail message boards were heaving with madness.
Utter lies! There are not 7 billion!
If there are, let's have their names go on through this.
I want the name of every person in the world right now!
Mind you, not everyone was angry. Some were just confused.
Someone in the world, a woman gives birth every 80 seconds.
We have to find that woman and stop it.
Scientists are worried about the increase in population.
With potentially billions more people,
pressure on water, food, oil will grow.
A billion go to bed every night, hungry.
Don't laugh, Matt!
It's the weirdest. I'm hungry.
It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
There's too many of us. The planet can't cope.
Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
We need to start bumping people off.
But who?
Don't you worry, I've drawn up a list.
Number one, people who play ringtones out loud on buses.
People who still do impressions of Austin Powers.
Off you fuck. People who wear sunglasses indoors.
Unless you're blind.
People who say, I am what I am.
OMG. LOL.
Reen. I'm real. I'm real.
I'm real. Really? Because I thought you were fucking imaginary!
And finally, anyone who doesn't like this.
Reen.
Fucking bloody Occupy London was hitting the headlines.
Protesters could remain camped outside St. Paul's until the new year,
after authorities offered to halt legal action.
Aside from the controversy about vickers losing their jobs and evictions,
I couldn't take my eyes off the protesters.
They gave some amazing interviews.
This guy started off by moaning about the lives of the rich.
They still have their lavish dinners. They still have their show for driven roles.
They still have their butlers and their mansions.
All good points, but then he really lost it.
We're at home with our top-shop beans.
That's about an 18-inch plate for our children.
Top-shop beans?
No wonder his kids are upset. He's feeding them jumpers.
My favourite protestor was an Australian man called Francis Firebrace.
This old fella is wonderful.
You can't hold great, because I'm not doing any harm to anybody.
I'm an elderly man. Come on. Music, bloody music.
Come on, guys, I love you guys.
Isn't that great? I love you guys!
Just close the show.
If you're going to protest, you don't have to be violent.
OK, boys, which one of you fellas have I got to fight?
Or if your eyes hadn't stick him up, you didgeridoo!
But I still love you!
Staying in Oz, in royal news, the Queen's been on a trip down under.
The Queen and Prince Philip have arrived in Australia for a 10-day visit.
They'll be based in the capital, Canberra,
but will also travel to Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth.
Did you see the Australian media coverage?
Now, was it me?
Or were their reports a little bit morbid?
The Queen will arrive in Canberra tonight for her 16th visit to Australia,
possibly her last.
Her last trip to Australia?
On what may well be her last ever trip?
Her last trip here.
Probably her very last time.
I hope to use the word die, so I won't.
I'm surprised they didn't follow her around dressed as death.
It didn't end there.
Judging by her hand gesture, this report was having a pop at how Liz smells.
The Queen touched down in Perth last night.
It's like a dingo's boar bag!
Not all of the reporters were rude.
This guy has to win the award for saying exactly what you see.
The Queen wore lilac and had fresh flowers in her hat.
The Duke of Edinburgh didn't.
Later on, she'll be waving.
Using her hand.
The Queen and Prince Philip were there for ten days,
and they met some pretty interesting people.
One of my favourites, the BFG's daughter.
Basketball player Elizabeth Cambridge
towered over the royal couple
as they continued their apparently triumphant Australian journey.
I love the moment when the Queen sees her.
Hello, you holy shit!
Look, Philip.
Bloody hell.
She's higher than Prince Harry.
Let's climb her.
The biggest scandal of the trip was definitely this.
In Brisbane, 22-year-old Liam Warrener appeared in court
after he bared his butt cheeks to the royal motorcade
and moomed the Queen.
Classic Aussie behaviour. It's the Queen.
I better flash in my shit pipe.
So, how did the royals react? I bet they were terrible.
The Prince gave me a nice wave. It was lovely.
Hello!
It's like a yawning wookie.
Next up, this has to be the saddest story of the week.
The veteran radio DJ and television presenter,
Sir Jimmy Saville, has died.
I was guided. It was great.
You don't get people like him on TV.
He looked amazing. Look at that!
It's like a cross between Gandalf, Boris Johnson and Vicky Pollard.
Now, some of you probably don't know who he was, why he was famous.
Check this out.
And good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome indeed to Jim or Fix It.
There must be something that you always want to do.
He was the man who made dreams come true.
Tam, right, you did.
Basically, kids used to write to him,
and ask him to make their dreams come true.
And back then, their dreams were insane.
Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me to be a suitcase
and go on the luggage conveyor at an airport?
That is children's TV!
Forget Dick and Dom, can I be a suitcase?
Damn right you can!
I'm a suitcase!
This is amazing!
He said I should have asked Jim to play football at Wembley.
Dicks!
Jimmy Savile was such a big part of my childhood.
Without him, I'd never have had that moment
when I watched some chubby scouts
eat their dinner on a roller coaster.
Five, four, three, two, one...
Jimmy!
Thanks, Jim.
The only criticism I have of Jimmy, he never answered my letter.
Jim, can you fix it for me to look less like Harry Potter?
Mind you, those glasses got me a lot of ladies.
Dinner ladies.
Have you seen the latest craze hitting British playgrounds?
Marbles is turning tarts into gamblers.
Look at this.
Children as young as seven have run up debts
of between 20 and 30 quid to fellow players.
Marbles!
Just say no!
Children kids will be in rehab.
My name is Sarah and I am a marbles gambler.
It got so bad to pay my debts,
I had to put Eagle Pickle on the game.
She's a good little slut there, makes me money.
It's a bit full on, Sarah.
Yeah, it's just how I get when I'm pimping.
Have you seen where they're getting the money?
They're stealing cash, DVDs and computer games.
Don't steal from your parents.
Surely the best way to make money, blackmail.
Take a photo of yourself naked, put it in your teacher's bag,
threaten to go to the papers.
Easy money.
Over in Russia, there's an alarming promotion in a sex shop.
Casanova 69 is offering kids and adults
the chance to win an unspecified gift from the chain
if they can answer one simple question.
Where did babies come from?
That's right, a Russian sex shop is offering children
an unspecified gift if they can tell them where babies come from.
I mean, it makes obvious sense, doesn't it?
Remember when you were little?
How much you wanted something from a sex shop?
I remember Christmas.
Dear Santa, please can I have some crayons, a bike and a vibrating butt plug?
I never got that bike.
I'm worried by this news.
If sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,
how long before we start seeing children's TV shows like this?
Hi, kids!
Hi, Mr Dildo!
Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?
Is he in Mummy?
Is he in Daddy?
Where, oh, where could Mr Dildo be?
It's children! You're on your team!
Technology news, the iPhone is having a wee bit of bother in Scotland!
It created quite some excitement among techno geeks
when it was launched in London less than two weeks ago.
But now the new iPhone 4S is instead creating confusion.
Is it an ISD?
Let's see what it says.
I don't know what you mean by, is it an ASD to says?
That's right, the latest iPhone can't understand Scottish people.
It's like this phone's in Glasgow going, I do not know where the nearest smack dealer is.
I will find one when you have finished school.
To be honest, it's little one of the iPhones confused.
Scottish people are asking it some pretty weird questions.
Do you like men?
This is about you, not me.
Remind me to clean my ass cheeks once I've taken a dump.
Remind me to kill myself.
To be honest, the iPhone Cockup is nothing compared to Nikon's face recognition camera.
If you think misunderstanding of Scottish accent was bad,
look what their camera told this lady when she took a photo.
Did someone blink?
But someone made a camera that was racist!
From technology that struggles with humans to humans who struggle with technology.
It's estimated that 8.7 million adults here in the UK have never been online.
42% of those people are aged 55 or over.
So, in order to turn this around, a BBC scheme called Given Hour was set up to get pensioners online.
Fair to say, some of them quite scared of technology.
And the biggest fear is when you move that mouse, what's it gonna do?
What's it gonna do?
It's not just the mouse.
I heard me, computers for the RAM.
Someone's put a sheep in my computer.
So, how are they trying to get people like him online?
The challenge, 250 internet users getting 250 internet virgins online in just an hour.
Well, that is gonna be a nightmare, isn't it?
Not only technology, but protecting pensioners from the ridiculous amounts of internet porn.
It's everywhere.
Imagine that. Let's do some online shopping.
Type what you want into Google.
OK, I love fudge.
Bloody hell.
Don't forget about food. Let's get you a lovely present.
OK, OK, I want a pearl necklace.
No, what are you doing?
I don't want a scarf. I don't want a scarf.
I want a pearl necklace.
Stop saying that.
But despite the dangers, I think it's great that pensioners are getting online
because otherwise they'd miss out on things like this.
APPLAUSE
Over New Zealand, check out this massive crime story.
Police say a large dog attacked and punctured four tyres before taking off.
Holy shit!
A dog is chewing tyres.
Now, you're probably thinking, Russell, why are you showing me this?
I'll tell you why.
Because you're about to see some of the most mind-blowing CGI known to mankind.
A South Auckland police sergeant was patrolling the Mangaree Street,
Bruno attacked his vehicle, biting the tyre, puncturing it.
The cop changed the tyre, but when he returned,
the bull messed up cross again attacked his tyre, again puncturing it.
Another sergeant came to the office as aid,
but he too had his tyre attacked and punctured.
It's like Avatar, isn't it?
Mind you, if you think what he did to the car was bad,
check out what he did to the police officer.
Now, a cracking story about Snoop Dogg.
The rapper Snoop Dogg has gone to some extraordinary lengths
to broaden his fan base by personally appealing to a Welsh farmer
to come to his concert.
This story is brilliant.
A bloke called Ian Neil grew the world's biggest turnip,
and Snoop Dogg invited him to a gig.
Shout out to my homeboy Ian Neil and Cardiff
for breaking the world's records for the biggest vegetable.
Man, I want to tell you something, man.
When I do my show on Cardiff, I want you to come backstage and see me,
because I do vegetation myself, and I want to know your secret,
so I can show you my vegetables and see if you can grow that into a real big vegetable.
I wonder what Snoop could be growing.
He's so great today, he's literally surrounded by cannabis.
So you're probably thinking,
I doubt this old farmer went to Snoop's gig.
Well, guess again, not only did he go, he had quite the adventure.
I got my VIP pass with me to show my friends.
And you met him last night?
We met him last night, and I had a smoke with him.
I don't smoke, but he offered me one, so I took one.
I'm hoping that's just tobacco.
No, it wasn't.
What do you think I wear in this shirt?
I'm off my tits.
I feel like I'm in a fruit bowl.
So how long did you have with Snoop?
Ten minutes.
There were four of us all together in my party,
and we had ten minutes with him, yes.
What else did you chat about?
No idea.
You were so strong, my shirt started talking to me.
I love how he sums up the concert.
Yes, it was an experience.
In fact, I'm still deaf.
Mind you, if he's deaf, at least he couldn't hear this.
Come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Go and take your pubic lice with you.
I'm going to crucify that crap that's gone.
Over in Scotland, here's a report about eating competition
that ended in disaster.
An Indian restaurant in Edinburgh has been criticised
after its world's hottest chili competition
left two people in hospital.
Hospital?
How was the chili contest?
My arse doesn't work.
I know what you're thinking.
What's the story that happened in New Zealand?
Imagine the graphics they'd have shown in the news.
Now this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news.
Might have to figure out who that person is.
So please welcome my mystery guest.
Hello.
Your clue just came down.
Hello.
I'm Russell, nice to meet you.
Hello, my name's Ian.
Nice to meet you.
Can I sit here?
Yes, please.
So Ian, I imagine I have something to do with gardening.
No.
Nothing to do with gardening.
Good curveball.
We're in a greenhouse.
Has he got something to do with your hat?
No, that's health and safety reasons.
Right, makes sense, doesn't it?
Yeah.
You know, health and safety, making you dress like a bullock.
Good laugh, nice.
That was a keen fight.
It was like, a kind of laugh a man who should be next to a fire.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
That's close.
Are you the fire starter?
No.
A twisted fire starter?
No.
Do you smite your bitch up?
No, no, no.
You'll piss yourself when you get it.
Nice.
I love these interviews.
They're not like parkers, are they?
No, they're not.
You're going to have to help out.
I'll give you another clue.
Okay.
Oh, that's an infrared.
Do you shoot things at night?
No, no.
Why have you got an infrared sight?
What's that?
Is that one of the sims you go?
I am the current 40th and 41st World Pea Shooting Champion.
Oh, there you go.
There you go.
Would you like to have a go?
Back a bit, come on.
12 foot.
12 foot, 12 inches.
Yeah.
And we fire peas at the target.
Okay.
Every now and then you get a bad pea.
And in fact, pea selection is key to the...
You seem like a lovely bloke,
but that is one of the dullest things
that any man has ever seen.
You are lovely, but pea selection is a very important thing.
To ladies.
I'll see, I'll see.
Oh, that was close.
Very close.
I know what you're doing.
Oh, I've dropped my pea.
I can't hold it.
I've got my pea on the stage though.
Oh, run in, show me how it's done.
Okay.
Let's make this interesting.
Actually, hang on a minute.
This would be like a really weird...
Which eye?
Recreation of how...
Ah!
Finish!
Oh, nice, nice.
And again, I'll exactly say,
actually, it's still like Robin Hood.
Can you do it like this?
She did it, though.
I know.
You can't put a champion off, you know.
I can't put a champion off.
You can just do it again.
Give it a good go.
Hey, careful.
Oh, he can't!
He can't!
Do it again and touch my dick.
You can't put a champion off.
Touch it.
No, no, go downstairs.
Go and rub it.
Rub it.
Rub it.
Come on, let's try it.
Come on, come on, do it!
No!
It won't go.
Yeah!
So, the first question that leaps to mind,
why the Viking helmet?
Health and safety.
You keep saying that.
Well, it's all these people shooting behind you,
trying to shoot, you know, they're putting you off.
So, it protects the back of your neck.
I get that, but why the horns?
It was just given to me as a gift.
That's a backstory.
Who gave you that as a gift?
My daughter.
Oh, lovely.
How old are you?
26.
24!
Can you give me that?
I can tell you.
It changes every year.
That's what I'm telling you forever.
I enjoyed that.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give up for my mystery.
Yeah!
Gretel, what?
I was on the news for something else, actually, as well.
I...
Yeah?
I...
Are you in?
I trimmed a bush.
What?
I trimmed a bush into an obscene shape.
A...
Todrary-type...
Todrary-type shape.
So, you turned your bush into a penis?
Yes.
That's not...
That's not often been done.
How did you do that?
I couldn't do a dog.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much for my mystery.
Matt, if you think you've woken up grumpy today,
you've got nothing on this guy.
Confused and angry,
an elderly man in a morgue in South Africa,
led away from the premises
after he was found alive in the mortician's fridge.
Wakers thought he had died the day before.
What do you mean, waking up in a morgue?
Horrific!
Why do you, if that were me, I'd have to take the piss.
When they pulled me out, I'd freak them out and do the thriller dance.
What I want to know, how the hell did this happen?
Its family asked the morgue to collect his body
after they could not wake him.
How shit are his family?
Granddad!
No, he's dead.
Wash him in the fridge.
Granddad will never sleep again.
What do you want for dinner?
Red Bull and Cocaine!
This week's story is about a young man called Patrick Hughes.
It's wonderful.
Born without eyes
and with a tightening of the joints
that prevents his limbs from ever straightening,
Patrick has been blind and crippled from birth.
We just asked why us.
We played by all the rules.
We worked hard.
We just didn't understand.
Kisses for dad!
That heartbreak began to fade
even before Patrick's first birthday
from his first moments at the family's piano.
By his second birthday, he was playing Requests.
Can you play You Are My Sunshine?
We're not going to play baseball,
but we're going to play music together.
And that was really exciting.
He's my hero.
I've told him before.
What he goes through,
it's taught me that I don't really have any complaints.
God made me blind and unable to walk.
Big deal.
He gave me the ability to...
the musical gifts I have
and the great opportunity to meet new people.
How would you describe your disabilities?
Not disabilities at all.
More abilities.
Lovely, wasn't it?
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for watching Good News.
Goodnight.
Good News Extra is Saturday night at 9.
Owen Lamont tweeted about the 7 billion population story.
He says Santa has got his work cut out this year.
A load of love for Jim will fix it.
You meet Danny, Smile Angel and every music on Twitter.
A few of them he's saying,
I want to be a suitcase!
And a load of talk about Russell's top.
Dan posted on Facebook.
Is it me or is his t-shirt hairy?
Thanks to everyone who went to the BBC3 website,
Facebook and Twitter, only if I had more time!
