Ah, Viannex, a student quarter filled with young professionals, new money, and a lot
of artisanal cheese shops. It is here where our story begins. This is our protagonist,
a sad little man whose pastimes include masturbation and feeling sorry for himself. Activities
he frequently combines. His name is Benjamin, and here he is holed up in his den while his
more active roommates taunt him with a constant regime of self-improvement. This is his house
in the city, a far cry from the isolated prairie homestead he grew up in. It is a frigidly
cold and uncompromising winter. Look, this is Ben's window, and this is the bane of his
pitiful existence, the feral hot of, aka the common pigeon. Ben can stand them no longer.
They are outside his window, day and night, with the cooing and flapping and shitting. Ah,
the sheet, sheet on the ledge, sheet on the wall, and this is not the only thing they drop.
Crackers and seeds, various lunchmeats stolen from school children, and even the occasional
fishhead. How will Ben survive the melancholy winter? His window to the world has been tainted.
There is only one thing he can do, fight back. He will make a documentary about his struggles
and expose the pigeons for the wicked hell-beasts they are. He will show what it takes to survive
on the mean streets of Toronto. He will prove himself king of the castle. He will show everyone
that he is the ruler of the roost. This is Maxime, Benjamin's friend of many years. The pigeons
also live outside his window. Maxime's girlfriend has left to Europe, so he regresses back to
his first love, the clarinet. The pigeons taunt him like grade school bullies. Maxime tries
to sleep, but the pigeons have other plans. Ah, Maxime has finally found rest on the living
room couch. He travels to work early and stays there late. For at work, there are no pigeons.
Or so he thinks. There may be no physical pigeons here, but there are always pigeons of the mind.
Life begins on the other side of despair, Maxime. Open yourself to the gentle indifference
of the world. Meanwhile, Benjamin and his other roommates construct fake owls to dissuade pigeons
from roosting on his window. I talk with my knuckle. Godspeed, Breville, your Ben's only hope.
Benjamin places his owls facing the pigeon roost. An early test of the clay owls proves
successful. But the next day, the larger owls' wings have been picked off. Its body is nowhere
to be found. Benjamin travels to an interview with bird specialist Mark Nash. He and his
co-founder Roberto make the long journey to Don Valley, which, for legal rights, we will
refer to as Volkswagen. This is the only place they could catch Mark. He is waiting for his
car to be serviced. Good afternoon, Mark Nash, co-founder of the Canadian Paragon Foundation.
Pigeons are a huge problem. Pigeons are now connected or associated with some 62 known diseases
that bacteria that can be found in pigeon excrement. And I think a half a dozen of these now are
actually communicable diseases, such as herpes and chlamydia. So I'm very serious. Of course,
as the pigeon excrement dries, and it does dry, it becomes almost powder-like, and it's
airborne now. So it's no longer just a solid or a liquid or a mucky mass. It now can become
airborne. You can inhale. The owls, the plastic raptors, of course, are being sold at a lot
of the hardware stores, at a lot of the home and garden places. And for pigeons, they don't
work. It doesn't take them very long to recognize that that's not alive. Listen, live with them.
They're here to stay. There's no doubt about that. So how do we work? How do we live with
it? How do we make the place inhabitable for all of us and work with, you know, I have
neighbors that don't like either, that I have to deal with. So pigeon, not a problem.
Well, it looks like the car is ready, and I'm out of here. Have a great afternoon, guys.
Au revoir, Marc. Bonne chance, mon ami.
Benjamin is at his wit's end. He is staring into the abyss, and the abyss is staring back.
Ben watches the interview footage, and his newfound knowledge hunts him.
Purpees, chlamydia, purpees, chlamydia, purpees, purpees, purpees.
Ben decides it is in his best interest to get tested for diseases he may have picked up
from the pigeon shit. He's all smiles now, but in two to three weeks he may not be smiling.
Benjamin has not found a satisfying solution to his problem. He refuses to leave with it,
as Marc suggested. He wants to conquer, to assert his dominance, to show his cock is bigger
than that of the pigeons. But everything changes in a matter of seconds, as it so often does
in films. Benjamin is about to get on the metro when he notices a wounded pigeon stuck on
a streetcar track. He is without camera, but luckily captures the action on his cell phone.
Ah, the pigeon is hit, but it survives. Ben is astonished by what happens next.
Another pigeon approaches the wounded bird on the track, and guides it into the path
of the oncoming streetcar.
The pigeon is no more. It is yet another victim of these mean streets.
Whether this was a botched attempt at a rescue, or an act of merciful euthanasia,
Benjamin is touched beyond belief.
Perhaps the pigeons are more than mindless rats with wings. Perhaps they think and feel
as we do. Perhaps there is a grand unified structure to the universe, and all plants
and animals that have ever existed, and never will exist, make up a small part of one being
of sweetness and light. And perhaps that being shares a soul with God.
Benjamin is woken up early by his window pigeons, but he does not mind, for it is such a lovely day.
The sun has finally come out, and the great melting of winter has begun.
Benjamin travels back to the subway and notices a man feeding a mass of pigeons.
He is making a documentary for the CBC, and he asks Ben for advice.
Treat them well, Ben says, for their bones may be hollow, but their hearts and their minds
are full of respect and fraternal love.
The man from the CBC slowly backs away from Ben as the pigeons take flight.
It is the most beautiful sight Benjamin has ever seen.
