There you go. How did you find this place? I lived here for four years, Colorado, that is.
Didn't know this place existed. Founded in a college fair.
Drawn to it because all these other colleges had tables.
This one had a scared little girl sitting in the corner with a bucket and a piece of plywood on top.
So I woke up doing Curious, of course. Pick up the little construction paper and crayon pamphlet.
Look at the tuition bill, I'm like, ah, that's where I'm going.
But yeah, as soon as I was interested, I actually looked at the video for this place's commercial.
Have any of you ever noticed that in the commercial of this place, there's no pictures of the actual campus?
We've got the phone, and that's it. That is like our credit card there.
And I got here and I realized why. You can tell this place was built during the Cold War.
Everything looked like a bunker. I was actually expecting to see the president standing somewhere
with a helmet on, waiting, come on, attack rush, I dare you.
But yeah, the art building is definitely the worst.
I've never seen an art building before with absolutely no windows on it.
It's like, yeah, we want to paint a few pictures, but we really don't want anyone to see them.
Really self-conscious.
I have to get the art makers crap.
Because if you're going to piss off a group of people on campus, it has to be the art managers.
Because when they come and vandalize your house at 2 in the morning, it always looks so nice.
I mean, it's more like if you got redecorated than really you got tagged.
Just make sure you don't piss off the abstract art majors, because then it only looks good when you have to swim to have it.
I mean, abstract art majors, can you really be proud of your art if you actually have to close your eyes more to make it look good?
Well, that's not a joke here. The reason we all came to camp is cafeteria food.
Oh, you know, there's just something about a cafeteria where it tastes like all the meat had a common ancestor.
It brings it out right there.
When you're looking at the meatloaf, and you're not wondering what animal it came from, you're just hoping to have some kind of actual meat in it.
I bet it was alive at some point.
Anyway, beginning a little skeptical about my major lately, because I'm a metatronic major.
I've never heard of this major before.
So, like you said, my name is Stephen Herrera.
If you can tell by my last name, I'm not white.
I am Latino. I don't look like it.
And despite what my birth certificate says, no two Mexican-Americans can have a white kid.
Of course, I guess if it was, I was born in Texas, San Antonio, and so I guess if they actually wrote it the way that they talked down there,
it would have said, man, this fool is white.
He's getting white man out of here.
Right there.
But it was really bad.
Actually, when I was born, my own grandparents didn't recognize me.
They didn't think I was my parents' son.
I was in the elevator with them.
And it even said Herrera on my baby basket buggy bumper deal.
And they're still like, that's not him.
That is not my child.
That is not my grandchild.
It's both my wayless.
They're both Spanish old ladies, and they're still kicking at 95, somewhat.
And so they're asking, no, that can't be him. He's white.
He's a white boy, a little white boy.
That's not my grandson.
And then they came to give to my dad and my mom.
And they're like, Nijo, he's not our grandson.
Why is our grandson? They get the right one here.
No, mom, this is him. This is your grandson.
They're like, but he's white. Why is he so white?
He's been different than what I expected, you know?
The curriculum here, what do you guys think?
Pretty challenging, huh?
The stands they set.
I'm struggling. I'm going to be honest, I'm struggling here.
Look at one of my textbooks here.
Scooby-Doo, where are you?
How the hell should I know?
No, this is not my team, this is not Harvard, okay?
We should not be held to a standard higher than anyone else in this nation.
That's really the only complaint I have.
There's nothing else to complain about.
It's a great place. You've got a beautiful campus.
Knowledgeable instructors.
Beautiful ladies and ample parking.
I got some more complaints.
Here at CSU Pub, there's a wide variety of students.
You have your old students, your young students, and all the other kinds.
Go back to the non-traditional standpoint.
Also, how do you know that you have a non-traditional student in your class?
They know every answer.
Raise our hands.
This is how it is, and the professor usually, respectively, says,
yeah, anyway, let's go on to the next answer.
I mean, obviously, who has a non-traditional student in their class
that does not know every answer?
Do people honestly be honest?
Does every non-traditional student seem to know the answer for every question?
Possibly.
Honestly, it's driving me nuts.
Seriously driving me nuts.
Who wants to sit here?
Who wants to sit here?
Who likes to sit here at CSU Pub long?
Some random reasons.
Why do you like it here?
Any reasons.
You say you like it.
Why?
You like it.
Why?
Gustavo, you get action in the bedroom, though.
So that's why you like it here at CSU Pub.
I'm not kidding.
I'm almost envious that you're kidding me.
Well, I want a different kind of action, though.
I don't want to be the rough-burned kinds of action person.
But Blackburn, that's right.
I should have collaged you.
I should have run him down.
This isn't going to be in the newspaper tomorrow, is it?
I gotta make sure.
I gotta let my wife live.
I love you, Gustavo!
You're a good guy.
Gustavo, come here.
Somebody was talking shit about me.
I'm so angry, and there's just so many things I can say, but I'm going to be a nice person
and not insult the Jollibee giant.
I came from L.A., most people are like, why?
I'm like, snow.
Don't mind you to say because you got so many snow.
You found that out, thanks.
What I love about our campus is the dorms.
The dorms, I live there six months, five months out of the year, because I don't go home very often.
I go home for like major holidays, you know.
I'm broke, that's why I'm doing comedy right now.
It's okay, I need some floss.
Anyway, so the wind tunnel, has anybody been through the wind tunnel?
The wind tunnel? Yes, that's right there.
I love when you see little girls and they're like, coming through the wind.
But then you see me and I'm like, I can't get through.
I'm not even trying to get through.
Okay, so let's be honest, everybody bubbles a horn up.
If you haven't, you're Megatron.
I want to thank my mama, I want to thank Steven Titus.
