What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?
Oh, yeah!
Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
....Are we still talking about sex?
No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry?
Well, she has issues.
Does she.
He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?
Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
No. No.
Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
Hi.
So.
You look great. I, uh... I hate that.
Sorry. You look good too.
Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh...
A lesbian?
Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?
Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Why- why are you here, Carol?
I'm pregnant.
Pregnant?!
Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.
Hi.
Ross, you remember Susan.
How could I forget?
Ross.
Hello, Susan. Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?
Dr. Oberman.
..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
She.
-she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?
Yes, and she's very supportive.
Okay, that's great. No, I'm- Oh.
Thanks.
Quack, quack..
Ross? That opens my cervix.
Barry?
C'mon in.
Are you sure?
Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
Huh?!
So, how ya doin?
I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
Yeah, well..
Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
Be right there. Be back in a sec.
I dumped him.
Okay.
Give me a 'for instance'.
Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
Marlon-
Marlon?!
-if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
...As in Mouse?
As in my grandmother.
Julia..
We agreed on Minnie.
Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?
Oh, not much. I-I got a job.
Oh, that's great.
Why are- why are you so tanned?
Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.
Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
Me?!
No! I went with Mindy.
Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!
Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
Oh! Well, um.. You've got plugs!
Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.
And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!
Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.
Okay..
See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
Wow.
You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
What?
Me.
Anyway, um, I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.
Well, thank you for giving it back.
Hello?!
Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
Helen Geller? I don't think so.
Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Thank you!
No, I mean it's not Geller.
What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?
It's my baby too.
Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.
Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!
All right, you two, stop it!
No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.
Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.
Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.
Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!
Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?
Yeah. Yeah. A little.
Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. Uh, lie back..
Oh my God.
Look at that.
I know.
Well? Isn't that amazing?
What are we supposed to be seeing here?
I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.
Then don't do that, alright?
Okay!
Monica. Whaddya think?
Mm-hmm.
Wh- are you welling up?
No.
You are, you're welling up.
Am not!
You're gonna be an aunt.
Oh shut up!
Hi guys!
Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
Ohh. Ouch.
Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.
Since when?
Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
And everybody knows this?
Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
Uh, Ross.
So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?
Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.
Hey, that was really good!
Thanks! Let's keep going.
Okay. So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?
I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke.
Smoke away.
I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
What?
Relax your hand!
Not so much!
Whoah!
Hey!
Hey!
Alright, now try taking a puff.
Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Y'miss it?
Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. Oh.. my.. God.
Hi.. how was the game?
Well..
WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
Alan.
He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
What?
..I dunno, a little too Alan?
Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
Hey, Lizzie.
Hey, Weird Girl.
I brought you alphabet soup.
Did you pick out the vowels?
Saltines?
No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
What? Oh my God, there's really money in here.
I know.
Weird Girl, what are you doing?
No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
Oh, that's fine, no.
Would you like my tin-foil hat?
No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
Please, let me do something.
Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
A thumb?!
Eww!
I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
Does, um, anyone wanna see?
Nooo!
Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
It's worse than the thumb!
Hey, this is so unfair!
Oh, why is it unfair?
So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
Well, I-I could live without it.
Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.
Oh, you do, do you?
You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Indeed there isn't... I should really get back to work.
Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
No.
Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!
Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
I know.. it's gonna be really hard.
Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
Do you have any respect for your body?
Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?
Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Really? He does? Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks!
God, he's good.
If only he were a woman.
Yeah.
Wow.
I'm, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
Relieved?
Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.
Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
Yeah. He could row like a viking.
Hi.
Mmm.
So how'd it go?
Oh, y'know..
Did he mention us?
You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere.
...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
No no no!
I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
Yeah, alright.
Alright. Phoebe?
Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you?
Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.
See, there's always one guy. If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes.
Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.
Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Probably kill myself!
..Excuse me?
Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live!
Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
You are? Ross, I'm sorry..
...Poulet passes it up to Leetch!
Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass!
We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.
What?
Peach pit.
Yes, Bunny?
Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-
-Peaches?
Actually, nectarines, but basically...
Could've been a peach.
Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- -the bus stop... I'm fine.
Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.
So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!
Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.
Okay.
When are you coming home?
What? Guys, I'm not.
C'mon, this is us.
Waitressing?
Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.
Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch?
What's that?
Weeeell, it's rum, and-
Okay.
Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on. Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
But I haven't used my card in weeks!
Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?
Alright, c'mon! Let's play Twister!
You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!
Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?
You are just like Jack.
...Jack from downstairs?
No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
Ah, the other Jack.
Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-
Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...
Floopy?
Yeah.
Oh, like that's a word.
Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together?
...Pheebs?
Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question.
Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?
Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!
See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
Pass it! Pass it!
He's open!
Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
'Scuse me.
It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.
Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.
Hold on. Fill these out, sit over there.
Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.
Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
Well, how long do you think it'll be?
Any minute now.
Hey, this- Heyy...
Light still out?
Yeah.
Oh. Maybe they're- napping.
Oh please, they're having sex.
Shut up!
So, whaddya think George is like?
I think he's shy.
Yeah?
Look, it's just a little more complicated...
Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...
Then what?
My first time with Carol was...
What?
It was my first time.
With Carol? Oh.
So in your whole life, you've only been with one oh.
Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!
Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?
Uh-huh.
Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
What?! You slept with Jason?
You'd already broken up.
How long?
A couple hours.
Oh, that's nice!
Okay, okay, okay, I got one! Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
Excuse me?!
Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? She was a big girl.
Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!
I was laughing! You made me laugh!
There he is! There he is!
Where?
He is so cute!
Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!
Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?
I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...
Really?
No, you kidding? The guy's a freak..
Hey, buddy.
Hi.
Oh, that's attractive.
Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.
Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?
Oh, ah- the kid has it.
The kid...? Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.
I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
You gotta do it, man.
Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever can't do it. Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.
No.
'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!
No! No!
Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!
GIVE ME MY PUCK!!
...Now that was fun.
Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo.
Thanks.
Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. Good.
Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Alright. Yes, this is Rachel.
Nooo! Hello? Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.
Green. To the green.
I've got magic beans. Never-never mind.
To the left, to the left- aww!
Ohhh... I'm fine.
Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.
Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.
Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.
Multiple orgasms!
Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.
Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...
Oh, god help us.
What?
Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!
Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.
What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.
I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?
Ok, bye. Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.
Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?
It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
Nuh-uh.
Yuh-huh.
So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?
No.
Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.
There you go.
Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?
Yep.
Which?
Which what?
You've never met Bob, have you?
No, but he's...
Hey, Joey.
...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
Where are they? Where are they?
This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
Eww, I don't wanna do that.
Here we go.
Ok, have a good break-up.
Hey, Janice.
Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?
What?
What?
What... did you get me there?
I got you...these.
Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.
That's great.
No, no, I'm still working on mine.
That's it?
Yeah, it was really hard.
Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.
Ok, you weren't there.
He is so cute. So, where did you guys grow up?
Brooklyn Heights.
Cleveland.
How, how did that happen?
Oh my god.
What?
I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.
So, you and Angela, huh?
Yep. Pretty much.
You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.
Huh, I never really noticed.
Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.
Monica, Monica is great.
Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.
I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
Yeah, isn't he?
You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.
Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.
Huh. That's nice.
Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.
That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross... Uh-oh.
What uh-oh?
Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Ross, what's the matter?
Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
Come on, show me.
Oh, everything's pink.
Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!
Oh my god.
What?
Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.
Come on, they're close.
Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.
Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it'snot really true, is it?
Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...
Oh my god, what were you thinking?
All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.
Oh!
Ow!
I'm outta here.
Really?
Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.
I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.
Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.
Ow!
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?
Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.
I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.
Oh my god. How many of those have you had?
Oh, I don't know, a million?
I'm fine.
All right.
I'm not fine. Here she comes.
Wait here. Breathe.
How do you do that?
It's like a gift.
We should always always break up together.
Oh, I'd like that.
You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.
Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.
Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.
Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.
I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.
Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!
Let go!
All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!
Yes! Did you see that?
You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
I could not have done this without you.
Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? I'm fine, I'm fine.
Are you sure?
No.
Oh, are you sure you're ok?
Yeah.
Does it still hurt?
Yeah.
Hi.
Hey, how'd it go?
Excellent.
We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.
What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where's Chandler?
Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
I'm free! I'm free!
That oughta do it.
Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
The exclamation point in the title scares me. Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!
Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang...
Alright, alright, alright...
Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
For what?
Whaddya think? Today's the big day!
Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.
Thank you!
Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
C'mon, we're roommates! My eyes!! My eyes!!
I warned you...
Who is being loud?
Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know..
Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
...Dammit, hire the girl! Okay, everybody ready?
Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.
Lose the robe.
Me?
That would work.
Right. Okay. Losing the robe. And the robe is lost.
Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working .. and... action.
And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
Well, I'm- I'm showering.
No, that was clenching.
I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...
Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
Wow, you guys, this is big.
Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. What's my number?
Well, I never call me.
Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.
Hi Mom, it's Jill.
She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.
Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.
I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.
Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy.
Hi everyone.
And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.
Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.
Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
That had to hurt!
There you go!
You're definitely scaring here.
Would you like to call somebody?
Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
It's Chandler! Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.
What?
I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!
I have no idea what you just said.
Put Joey on the phone.
What's up man?
I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.
Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Chandler, listen.
Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.
Hmmm... this is so nice.
OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.
OK.
OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....
Ohhh!!!!
Yes, yes, that's right...
Oh, look at the little cat!
What? Ow!
I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since...
This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.
Sorry, that was wax.
Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.
Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?
During a blackout? He'd get trampled!
Yeah?
Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right?
Oh. Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.
Er, yeah, it's mine.
He seems to hate you. Are you sure?
Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.
Wait a minute. What's his name?
Ehhhh... B-Buttons.
Bob Buttons?
Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.
Oooh! You are a very bad man!
You owe me a cat.
Lucky sixes....
Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.
Hi!
And Joey....
Hi!
And Ross.
Hi!
He doesn't speak much English.
Monopoly!
Look at that!
So, um... where did Paolo come from?
Oh... Italy, I think.
No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.
That, that is funny... .... and Rachel keeps touching him.
Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.
Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.
Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo.
Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.
You betcha!
Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.
Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth.
Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking.
Are you alright?
My God, you're choking! That better?
Yes... thank you. That was... that was....
Perfection?
Thank you.
Thanks.
Kinda... spooky without any lights.
Bwah-hah-hah!
OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
Oh.. oh... oh.
Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.
Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Do you want a date Saturday?
Yes please.
Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
He's a he?
You did?
Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
I did.
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Not me.
Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.
You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
Yeah! Right!
WHAT IS IT?!
Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.
Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
So, um, did she...
Twice.
Twice?
Oh, that sucks!
You guys okay?
Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
Nono, she's gone.
We checked. A lot.
Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this?
Thanks!
Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
I don't see why not.
Here's my retainer!
Dad!
You what?
Define fun.
That's probably what they'll say.
I'd like that.
Hey, gorgeous.
Oh! Okay! Phew!
I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...
...Quality, right, great.
What? He's cute!
Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Is Brian...?
This one?
No.
Wait! We need shoes!
Okay. Um, how about these?
That's really a day shoe.
No, it really should be burgundy.
Oh my God..
Is everything all right, dear?
Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
How we doing, you guys ready?
Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
What'd I say?
Hm-m.
Are these the shoes?
Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Morning. We ready to go?
It was a really beautiful service.
What?
Check it out, Giants-Cowboys.
God! Ross!
An advance?
Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.
Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.
Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.
What's it look like?
Kinda like a big face without skin.
Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.
Ok. Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.
Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?
You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?
Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Really?
Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.
I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.
Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Rach, here's your mail.
Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
No, here's your mail.
Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Would you just open it?
Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
We all chipped in.
We did?
You owe me 20 bucks.
Thank you. Thank you so much!
Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
All right, I'm nine years old.
Oh, I hate this story.
Oh my god.
Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
We did?
Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. Aramis? Aramis?
Yeah, right.
I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
Get out.
I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.
Really? You don't know what that means to me.
Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
Nothing.
Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?
Yeah. Oh.
What's wrong?
I just remembered, I have to do something.
Oh. What?
Um, leave.
Wait, wait, wait!
Anytime you're ready.
Ok, ok, here we go. Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...
Just aim for the bump.
Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.
So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.
Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.
Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?
We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.
No I don't.
Yes, you do. When we left, you said, got the keys.
No I didn't. I asked, got the ke-eys?
No, no, no, you said, got the keys.
Do either of you have the keys?
The oven is on.
Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
Well then get it, get it!
That tone will not make me go any faster.
Joey!
That one will.
Hi, how's it goin?
I did.
Does it always, uh--?
No, no that was the first.
Keep singing! Keep singing!
I felt it!
Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Why?
Where? Ooh, come to Momma.
He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
Nice hat.
Thanks.
We should do something. Whistle.
We are not going to whistle.
Come on, do it.
No!
Do it!
No!
Do it do it do it!
Woo-woo!
I can't believe you did that!
Phoebe, what are you doing?
Maybe nobody's tried this.
I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!
I wish all guys could be like him.
I know.
Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.
What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
Nah... not-not special enough.
Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
Waaay too special.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?
I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?
No. No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?!
Oh my God.
You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
What?
I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
You knew about this?
Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.
Thanks, man, big help.
I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
I wasn't- I mean, I-
Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
I know-
I can't believe you did this.
Chandler-
Me neither, y'know what-
I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
What are you mad at me for?!
Chandler-
You gotta let me slam the door!
Joey-
Ah! Huh?
What's a 'niffle'?
You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
Nooo!
Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.
Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that!
Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta.
And, we're done with the yogurt.
Sorry.
Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? Nice talk, Aunt Syl. You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? This is your baby. Hi Daddy!
Hello!
How come you don't live with Mommy? How come Mommy lives with that other lady? What's a lesbian?
Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos
Ah, poke a nose, mmm
Mma, Mma, Mmaah
So, did I hear Poconos?
Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
Yeah, that's a big step.
I know...
Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be... flung by now?
...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? I could call immigration!
Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?
That's the rule.
What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!
How'd you get to that?
Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio
You knew about that?
Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.
Ok, ok, How about if we split it?
What do you mean, like, buy it together?
Yeah
You think we're ready for something like that?
Why not?
Why, are you moving out?
I'm not moving out.
You'd tell me if you were moving out right
Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...
Aw, I know all about Kip!
Aw, don't do that
We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
Ok, thanks.
Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum
Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?
Well, Racquela's right, yeah!
Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.
Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!
I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows....
And Monica knows...
Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!
So what's it gonna be?
Waitohheyhuh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!
I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!
Or an uncle...
Hey Phoebe!
Hi Pheebs!
Pheebs!
Fine!
Phoebe, what's the matter?
Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?
Oh, right, that's me!
Fine.
Phoebe, what is it?
All right, you know Paolo?
I'm familiar with his work, yes...
Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!
More coffee over here, please!
Well, what happened?
Ooooohh!
My God.
Are you sure?
Was it...?
Oooooo....
Ooo, what?
Uma Thurman.
Oh!
The actress!
Thanks Rach.
So what are you gonna do?
Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
Feminist issue. That's where I went!
She is gonna hate me.
Yeah, well...
That's patio furniture!
What about the birds?
You pick one.
All right, how about the ladybugs?
Hey!
Hi Pheebs!
Are you moving out?
Oh! Ok, um, ok, um,
Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
I guess you don't.
So, what do you think?
I know!
That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock
I'm sorry!
You have no respect for anybody's privacy!
Rachel, wait, wait.
No, you wait! This is ridiculous!
Can I just say one thing?
What? What?!
Oh!!
Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now
Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? Did you know this isn't Ma?
Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.
Sure. So how long you been...
Since then?!
...I d'know.
Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.
You're one to talk.
Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.
Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.
Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you.
Night, you guys.
Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.
Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?
Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?
Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?
Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.
Well, you're gonna.
I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...
Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?
Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
No.
You really think so?
Yeah. I really do.
Thanks, Chandler.
Get off!
Hi.
Hi...May I help you?
Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours?
Okay...who are you?
Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?
Oh, c'mon in.
Thanks.
Hi, I'm Rachel.
Hi.
Bathroom's up there.
Great.
Oh, like, uh, five minutes?
Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. Hey, Mr. Trib.
Hey. Morning, dear.
Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.
What's the matter with you?!
I thought it was Chandler!
What? What?
You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!
Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.
Hey, Pheebs.
Hey.
How's it going?
So what's going on?
Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger.
I dunno, there's just something about...
Basically we just feel that he's...
We hate that guy.
Yeah. Hate him.
We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.
Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out?
...No, we hate him.
We're sorry.
Ma! What're you doing here?
I came to give you this and this.
Oww! Big ring!
Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really.
Hold on, you-you knew?
Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. I'm sleeping over at my accountant's, I mean, what is that? Please!
So then how could you I mean, how could you?!
Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?
Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary.
I'm...happy...for you?
Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was.
Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.
I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?
Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.
That's sweet. Could I take her?
With this ring? No contest.
What's wrong, sweetie?
Nothing, nothing.
Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon.
Oh. They don't.
But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...
What?
Intense and creepy.
Oh.
But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.
You're not? See, that's why you're so great!
So you talked to your dad, huh.
Wow.
Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.
So Joey, you okay?
Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them make their own mistakes.
Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.
If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.
Hey.
Hey, Pheebs.
How's it going?
Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
Awww.
Yeah, right.
Aaawwwwww!!
What happened?
I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!
Hey, Joey. What's going on?
Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green.
Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!
Sorry. Wrong boobies.
Hello, Joey.
Oh! ...Hello, dear.
I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.
Any contact?
She lent me an egg once.
You're in!
Aw, right.
Hi, Ross.
Hey.
An egg?
I think it's winning.
I think it's insane.
Think it'll work?
No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
You can not do this.
Do what, do what?
Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.
Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...
Hi. She said yes.
How do I look?
...And what did you bring?
Janice?
Oh.... my.... God.
Hey, it's Janice.
Which one was Pete Carney?
There's more beer, right?
Ok, well, what kind of ritual?
Or?
Burning's good.
Kiss me!
Oh, Chandler, sorry.
Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.
Hi, Monica.
Oh my god. Janice, hi!
Janice is gonna go away now.
I'll be right back.
Theres the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
Its Phoebe! Hi!
Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?
Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, Excuse me, hello Miss, so now Im here.
No, no... how come you are working here?
Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Can we start over?
Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here.
No, no, no!
Hi, were the Rostins. Err, Im J.C., and hes Michael, and were having a boy, and a girl.
Good for you. Alrighty, next?
Im sorry, I didnt get... Susan is?
Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Life partner.
Like buddies.
Like lovers.
You know how close women can get.
Susan and I live together.
Although I was married to her.
Carol, not me.
Err, right.
Its a little complicated.
A little.
But were fine.
And to you too, Helen.
Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.
Oh, okay. Send her in.
Hi.
Hi, Nina. Come on in.
You wanted to see me?
Which is bad, because?
Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
Your... excuse me?
WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net...
Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Wont happen again. I wouldnt want to do anything to hurt your... wenus.
Sorry.
Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the information.
No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
Oh, good. Thisll be fun.
What? What? What?
I am supposed to be the mommy?
Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Look, I dont see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I'm a woman.
I see. So what do you propose to do?
I will flip you for it.
On your back... Mom.
Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.
Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
Mr. D, hows it going, sir?
Ohh, its been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
And?
Its pretty ugly. We havent seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.
So what does this mean?
Well, were gonna be layin off people in every department.
Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very &ndash;
Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?
Nina? Nina. Nina. Nina.
Are you okay?
Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please dont hate me.
What?
Would you like to have dinner sometime?
And thats the Chrysler Building right there.
Nina.
Mr.Douglas... ..cool tie.
Shes still here.
Yes, yes she is. Didnt I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.
Youre kidding? She seems so...
Thats unbelievable.
I see. I guess you never really know whats goin on inside a persons head.
Well, I guess thats why they call it psychology, sir.
..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.
Lights please? And thats having a baby. Next week is our final class.
Susan, go deep.
This is impossible. Its just impossible.
What is, honey?
Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?
Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.
I know its frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when its over, were all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.
I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Im gonna be a father.
This is just occurring to you?
I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Oh, youre gonna be great!
You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
Wherere you going?
Out.
With?
Yes.
Alright, could I just ask you one question?
Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?
Well, not that its any of your business, but, no, we havent, okay?
You meant sex, right?
Do you have a sec?
Ah, sure, Nina. Whats up?
I dont know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.
Oh, well, ah... maybe thats because theyre ah... jealous, of us.
Maybe. But that doesnt explain why they keep taking my scissors.
Ah, well, maybe thats, ah, because youre getting a big raise.
I am?
Sure, why not?
Oh my god! Youre amazing!
Oh, you dont know. Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinders raise?
What?
Helen drinks. Will you marry me?
Well, I ended up telling her everything.
Oh, howd she take it?
Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. Little tip: if youre ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... ..on the desk.
Okay, I think I get how to do this.
okay, Pheebs, theyre gone.
Okay.
Are you alright?
Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, hes going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
No.
Oh... Oh, Pheebs.
I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...
Youre not gonna lose him.
Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.
Yeah. Okay.
No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
But hes falling in love with her.
Oh please, theyve been going out a week. They havent even slept together yet, I mean, thats not serious.
Okay... Okay.
Oh, okay, oh.
Oh.
Yeah, um, may we help you?
Rachel, what are you doing? Its freezing out here. Would you come back inside?
No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... ..Im takin em down. Okay? Whoa!
Oh-my-god Rachel! Rachel!
Im okay! Im okay! Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?
See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.
I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
That's nice.
Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.
What are you crazy? That's a baby!
He should take the sack?
Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
Well, only if you order stuff.
I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
When's that?
Tonight.
Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
You take your time.
There it is! So what're you gonna do?
What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
And your friend Phoebe?
Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
Okay, errrr, Monica?
Yes? ..yes, she is.
Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
Hi.
Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.
And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.
Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?
Excuse me?
I meant er, young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.
Thank you.
Right.
..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.
Uh, you left out the stupid part.
Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said yes.
I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.
What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
Alright, what have we learned so far?
SURPRISE!!!
What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
Was that the cake?
Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.
Come on, she'll be here any minute.
I hope it's okay.
Oh...
Happy Birthday Peehe.
Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, we just...
Surprise!
Did you see Betty?
Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;
Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, Oh my god I'm gonna be a father kind of a thing?
No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?
No, we can go to Williamsburg.
Eat your fish.
Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! ...dead!
Ross, he's got the remote again.
Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
Maybe not.
Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?
Okay no, you do it.
Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down. Thank you.
What?
We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
Thank you.
Okay, let me just change.
Yes.
Hey.
Hey!
Hi.
Trouble?
Well did you try calling her?
Hi, remember us?
Mmm hmmm.
You're that stupid.
I am. I'm that stupid.
Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
Well, you know your insurance will cover that.
Yeah, I know... ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.
Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Uh-huh.
Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Do you have a point?
You know, you think I would.
What's up with the simian?
It's just a fur ball.
Okay... ..whose turn is it?
Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.
No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.
I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?
You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!
You go get that animal outta here.
What's goin' on?
Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
Oh.
Excuse me... This hospital is for people!
I'll take a look at him.
Oh, thank you.
Michael.
Rachel.
What?
Monica.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Urse...
Listen, um...
I'm sorry.
You don't drink.
That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Oh, Urse...
Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?
If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
no. No, I, I couldn't do that.
Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Then, uh, then I'm sorry.
You know... You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
I know...
I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.
Really?
Pheebs?
Yeah. Oooh...
He looks so tiny.
We just got the message.
Is he alright?
Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.
We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'
Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.
So, you feel like a dad yet?
No, why?
Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.
Oh, look, he's waking up!
hey, fella! How you doing?
Aqui est.
Pudo aver sido General Tso!
Ewww!
Hola, Joey!
Alright boys, let's eat.
Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?
You still on that?
Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? : When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!
You are way off, pal.
No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.
Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?
You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OKif you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.
Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?
Alright.
I'm gonna pay for that tonight.
Hi!
Hey.
Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!
Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, andoh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!
That's great! That's wonderful!
Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...
OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker.
Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?
Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?
Yes, we should. I think we should.
Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it a go.
Alright.
Alright...
Alright, here's my $7.50. But I think you should know that this money is cursed.
What?
Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.
That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie.
Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...
Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women.
You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.
Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79!
Oh, time's up.
Bye... bye... BIRDIE.
Oh!
That's a bird?
That's a bird!
OK, OK, it's my turn.
Go.
Uh.... bean! Bean!
The Unbearable Likeness of Being!
Yes!
That, you get? That, you get?
Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
Thank you. Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!
Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?
Oh. Right. ...Oh great.
What is it?
Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!
Barry who you almost...?
Barry who I almost.
And Mindy, your maid of...?
Mindy, my maid of. Oh!
That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. Lucky. To have had a friend like you.
I can't believe we are even having this discussion.
I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?
I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.
She really said that?
Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
'Tonight' tonight?
Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...
I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.
Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit.
Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just I...
Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your...
That'd be good.
Rachel.
Barry?!
I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.
Oh!
We have got to start locking that door!
This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids?
Nope.
That's because I'm in front of them.
Eh. I thought that was an alp.
Well, high school was not my favourite time.
I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex.
Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.
Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?
I have no idea. But look how much they spent!
I know. It's just such reckless spending.
I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
That's me.
Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again!
Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- come here, Marcel-
Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.
Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.
What? It's, it's just a phase.
Well, that's what we said about Joey...
Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
What?
Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.
This woman's living my life.
What?
You're not an artist.
Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.
Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.
Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...
Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?
Nooo...
This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.
How about Joey... Pepponi?
No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Joey... Switzerland?
Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. Which I'm not.
Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?
Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.
Might wanna try Joseph.
Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Alright, great. Thanks a lot. I'm going to tap class.
This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.
This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.
Hi.
Hey.
Where've you been?
At the vet.
She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Hey! He beat ya.
She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.
So what does this mean?
I'm gonna have to give him up.
I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!
I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?
Isn't there any way you can keep him?
No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.
How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.
Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
What?
Did you call the cops?
Nope. We took her to lunch.
Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.
Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
...Take off their hats!
Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.
No way. No way did you do this.
Monana was very brave.
It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...
...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up.
Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
'Scuse me?
There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
What?
Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?
Uh-huh.
I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.
Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?
Oh, somebody will.
You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
You're kidding.
Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!
Y'know, you'd think I would've.
Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?
...Flame Boy.
Where exactly is your zoo?
Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?
Yes.
Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
No-no, he's, he's very docile.
Even if he were... cornered?
Well I, I don't know. Why?
Uh, how is he at handling small objects?
He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...
How about a hammer, or a small blade?
Why- why- why would he need a blade?
Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.
We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...
...He's in.
He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!
Yo- hooo!
Where the hell've you been?
Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
Are you drunk?!
Noooo! I'm lying. I am so drunk.
Monica? Monica!
Water rules!
Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!
No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!
Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.
Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.
What?
They've arrested Monica.
Hi.
Hey.
How are you?
I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here?
Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.
That I was not expecting.
I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.
Oh. Thanks.
Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.
Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?
Well, not... worried, just... wondering.
There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.
Not necessarily...
Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.
Um, I'm not actually Amish.
Really? Then why are you like that?
This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.
Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
Oh!
Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.
Just, just say what you feel.
Marcel, I'm hungry.
That was good.
Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.
Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.
Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely.
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...
That's fine, thank you.
Next.
Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
Name?
Holden McGroin.
Tell him.
No.
Tell him, tell him.
Just...please tell him.
Shut up!
Tell me what?
Doing it on this table.
Wow!
Exellent dream score.
Why, why, why would you dream that?
More importantly, was I any good?
Well, you were pretty damn good.
Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate.
Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
I love it, when we share.
You're okay there?
I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious.
Can you hear that?
Yeah?
See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.
Oh. Uh, I'm on.
Mr. Bing's office. No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.
I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.
Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.
What?
Ross says hi.
Ah!
This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
Most likely. Okay, I'm gonna be out there.
Okay.
All right. Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Yes?
Whatcha doin'?
Ooh.
Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.
What?
Could tonight be the Night?
I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.
So, did you shave your legs?
Yeah.
A-ha!
What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.
I just had sex.
Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
Well, you never told me how old you were.
Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...
Don't say it.
...in love with you.
Really?
Sorry.
Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
Who?
I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.
You were great. But they still made fun of you.
What?
Then, I don't get it.
Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
They do?
Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.
I just wan't to...
No, but you can't.
But I just wa...
Uh uh.
Aren't you gonna...
Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
What about Andre?
Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
Hey.
That was gonna be my opener.
Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?
I thought that was just a rumour.
True story.
They're here already?
It was.
Then, what's the problem?
Ethan, it's um... it's icky.
Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?
No, don't say it.
...love you.
Are you're hands still wet?
Uh, moist, yeah.
Let's dry 'em again.
Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? Hey, Chandler.
Hello, Mr. Bing.
Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.
Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.
Sure.
No problem.
You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?
Petrie.
Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.
Oooooooooh. Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!
Ross?
I'm here.
You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... Wow!
What? Great, now I'm having a baby.
What?
Ooh, Ooh.
What?
I'm having... I'm having a baby. I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?
I don't know where the phone is.
Ross?
I'm hurt.
Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.
Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
Joey, get out of the fridge.
All right, all right.
What is that?
For the ride.
Yeah, like in a cab...
Save it.
Okay, hating this.
I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet?
Do we have to know about that?
Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?
I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.
Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.
What, it's ok when Chandler does it?
You have to pick your moments.
Did I miss it, did I miss it?
She's not even here yet.
What's with the guitar?
Where the hell have you been?
We stopped at the gift shop.
I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.
Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys.
I used to have that bumper sticker.
You see what I mean.
Stopped for a Chunky.
Let it go, Ross.
I got an extra one. You want this?
No.
Dr. Franzblau, hi.
59 seconds. Quartz, ha.
Swiss quartz, ha, ha.
Am I allowed to drink anything?
I'll get it.
I got itI'm getting it!
Thanks.
Oh, that's funny!
I want a baby.
Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.
Knick fan?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy, do they suck.
Hey, listen, lady.... ...whoa.
Oh yeah? And who do you like?
The Celtics.
There is no father.
Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!
Ok.
Tribbiani.
She's not much of a phone person.
Maybe you should.
Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?
Oh, that is so not true.
Oh, it is.
It isn't.
It is.
Isn't!
Breathe, breathe, breathe...
Oh, no.
Ew! What is that? Something exploded!
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Please. This is so your fault.
How, how is this my fault?
You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?
Oh, I'm threatened by you?
Yes.
Yeah, Susan.
Are they here yet?
Ok.
Ok?
Ok.
Oh.
I'm a waitress.
Yeah. Gotcha.
Ok. That's fine.
No, this is a loaner.
Yeah, they're not so bad.
Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
This is so great.
You wanna explain that?
Where are they?
Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
You are really frightening me.
All right, ten centimeters, here we go.
But they're not here yet!
Oh, god.
Ok, got the vent open.
What do you see?
Phoebs, It's open! It's open!
Wait! You forgot your legs!
Push, push!
And here's little Ben nodding off...
Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!
Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
Oh, let me see! Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!
That would be nice.
Pardon?
Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft.
Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.
I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
... And where's this money coming from?
Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.
What kind of research?
Oh, just, y'know.... science.
Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that.
... It's a fertility study.
Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.
Hey.
Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
I mean, this is unbelievable.
I know. This is really, really huge.
No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
OK, is there a mute button on this woman?
I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him.
H-He's in China!
The country.
No, no, wait. His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.
What about the time difference?
From here to the airport?
Yes! You're never gonna make it!
Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?
I-I-I don't know.
Well then maybe you shouldn't go.
Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
Here, look, alright, does this help?
Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first!
Alright!
Ni-chou chi-ma!
Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....
Hi!
Hi.
May I see your boarding pass?
No no no! Federal regulations!
OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.
Alright. What's the message?
Uh... I don't know.
Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.
What?
Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!
Heh, heh. It was nothin'.
Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you!
Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.
M-Me again?
Sure! Why not?
Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.
How do you mean?
Sure.
Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
Another good point.
Huh?
Why isn't it working out?
I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.
Is he not cute enough for you?
No!
Does he not make enough money?
No, I'm just....
Maybe there's someone else.
Wha...
Is there? Is there someone else?
No! There is.. there is noone else!
Hey, big...
Shhhh!
...spender.
She's still asleep.
So how'd it go?
I didn't know you had another level.
I know! Neither did I!
Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?
Yeah.
Oh, from who?
Oh, why?
Who is it?
It's me, Carl.
C'mon up.
Seven hundred bucks!
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!
Oh, hey, hey, I got that.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
Really?
Yeah.
No, no, they will. I just... uh...
Can't wait.
Come on, they're gonna love you.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me!
Rach!
It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
What?
You're bleeding.
I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything.
Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.
These are, these aren't for you. These are for you. Welcome to our country.
Thank you. I'm from New York.
Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.
Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee?
Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
Hey, Rach, can I get...
Did you talk to him?
Not yet.
Then, no.
So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.
I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?
God?
It was you, pal.
Well, maybe it was God, doing me.
Well, you owe me one, big guy.
Here's your lemonade.
I didn't order lemonade.
Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that.
But...
Go-go-go-go, come on! So uh, what did you find out?
How is that the silver lining?
You have to really wanna see it.
You know, I think I was sixteen.
Please, just a little bit off the back.
I'm still on no.
No-no-no-no-no, I'm not fallin' for that again.
What's goin' on?
What stupid thing did you do?
Bon giorno tutti!
Ewww!
All right, that's it, I quit.
What? I didn't say anything.
Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
How who wears it?
Demi Moore.
Demi Moore is not a he.
Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
Oh. Oh!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost!
Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
I know!
Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.
I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.
Thank you. My hair is very amused.
Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.
Thank you.
Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach.
Wait, are you leaving?
Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by bye!
Well, can I talk to you for a sec?
Okay.
Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
That's ok.
What's goin' on?
No. No-no-no-no.
Really?
You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking Oh my god, I'm with Rachel. You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all?
No, I think that was the whole all.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.
Oh yeah! Oh, I can do that.
Really?
You wanna do it right now?
Great!
Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andie McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.
Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, is he hungry already?
I guess so.
You know, it's... something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back.
I gotta get one, too.
What are you guys doing?
We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?
Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.
Carol?
Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Sure.
Uh, does it hurt?
It did at first, but not anymore.
Chandler?
So, uh, how often can you do it?
As much as he needs.
Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
Rachel, do you have any muffins left?
Yeah, I forget which ones.
No thanks.
Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go.
Thank you. What a bitch.
I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.
Ok, um, I'll go with you.
Great.
Hi, honey.
Hey, sweetums.
Hello to the rest.
Hi!
It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
But I'm...
Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.
You're welcome.
Woof, woof.
Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle.
Who?
Hombre?
What's he doin' in my section?
I guess he doesn't know.
Mornin'.
Your territory, huh?
Yeah. Bijan for men?
No thanks.
Hombre?
Yeah. All right.
You were saying?
What?
We were shopping, and we had lunch.
Oh, all right. What did I have?
You had a salad.
Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
Hey, guys, what's up.
Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.
You went shopping for fur?
You bought boobs?
Oh, actually I sorta have plans.
Ready, Annabelle?
You bet. Maybe some other time?
Oh, this is so cute.
Oh, I got that for him.
Did you just say Hi, Jew?
Ben, dinner!
What did you just do?
I licked my arm, what?
It's breast milk.
Mr. Heckles.
How did this happen?
He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.
That's terrible.
I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.
Sure, sweepin'. You never know.
You never know.
Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
Ok, Phoebe.
Such as?
Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
Nah. Not really.
You don't believe in evolution?
Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?
Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
What can we do for you?
Well, what about his family?
He didn't have any.
Ok, so let's talk money.
All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.
How can you not believe in evolution?
Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
Really? You can actually see it?
You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
See, I didn't know that.
Well, there you go.
Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
Hey, look at this. My Big Book of Grievances.
Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.
Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.
What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.
It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
Well, what about my stuff?
You don't have any stuff.
You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
No.
Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
Mmmmm.
Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Please tell me you're joking.
Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--
What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Is there blood coming out of my ears?
Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?
What?
Hide the Lamp.
Monica, let it go.
Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?
Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
I can't believe you caved.
What?
Hi.
Hi, hi can I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.
Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by.
What?
Hey, how, how did you do that?
So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.
Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?
You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?
Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.
Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.
Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.
Woah.
Foxy lady.
Where you goin'?
Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.
The Ice Capades?
No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.
OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.
Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?
Hi.
Phoebe!
Ta-da.
Hey.
Hi.
Ahh, look at you, you look great.
Do I? Thank you, so do you.
Thanks.
Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.
You always said I'd make it.
Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.
I missed you. I'm gonna get changed.
OK.
Um, now. Phoebs.
Oh, right, OK. Ole.
What?
Um, the matador. Ole, ha ha ha.
Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks.
Uh, Julie.
Yeah?
Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.
Hi everyone.
Hi.
I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.
Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?
Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
What did, what did he say?
What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.
Pop it in.
I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people.
Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.
What's wrong with people having sex?
Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.
Hell, I wanna see Joey.
So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.
OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
All I say is, she better get the job.
Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
Nice work my friend.
So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.
Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.
Ohh. . .K. How come?
Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.
What?
Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.
Huuh.
Yeah, I know, I.
I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.
I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.
So how long have you known?
Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.
And um, and there's actually a, a woman?
Her name's Debra.
Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?
Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
Sure.
But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.
I'm, I'm still me.
Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?
You know, it still smells like monkey in there.
That saves us a conversation.
Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.
Me too, we should get goin'.
Rachel, that's all we do.
Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?
What about Julie?
Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.
Well, that could take a while.
So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?
I got the time to get to know Julie.
I got time.
Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? That's fine.
OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?
Well, in a nutshell. . .
Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.
So, um, have you told your parents?
No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . .
I love you Phoebe.
So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.
Man, I sure miss Julie.
Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there.
You ever figure out what that thing's for?
Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
What?
I got a little drunk...and naked.
Bob here.
What've you been up to?
Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. I love her.
I know.
I'm back.
So, are we gonna get together or what?
Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?
Great, I'll see you then.
Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.
Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, hey, you're not Bob.
I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
Oh my god. You are pure evil.
Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.
You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.
So, let's go.
Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.
Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now.
You know, the guys are probably having a great time.
Come on you guys, one more time.
Ok. One.
Nooo.
That was amazing!
Excellent, that was excellent.
I can't believe the guys missed this.
What guys? Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?
Do I know you?
You used to be my babysitter.
Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.
You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.
Uh, wait, backstage?
Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.
Ross.
Chandler.
Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Ok.
I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?
What's up?
F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.
But what about Phoebe?
Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.
Uh--
Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.
No, I got him.
No, seriously.
Oh, seriously you want him?
Hello.
Hello.
And who is this little cutie pie?
Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
You wanna smell him?
I assume we're talking about the baby now.
Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.
I think my uterus just skipped a beat.
What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
Well, we are great guys.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Here. I thought you might be cold.
Thank you.
Do you?
Really? From who?
Yeah. Here you go.
OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?
So, how was the party?
Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?
Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?
No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.
Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.
Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
Please.
C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.
Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....
I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.
How long do cats live?
I'm sorry?
Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?
Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
That's just great.
Um, cheers.
Oh, right, clink.
Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?
Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
I mean he just started going out with her.
Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.
Alright.
OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
So, I figured it out.
What?
Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, Excellent butt, great rack.
Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.
You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm.
Fruitflies?
Yes! Thank you.
So, would you like any dessert?
No! No dessert, just a check, please.
Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?
Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.
Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?
Hang on.
Hello, excuse me.
What.
Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
I'm talkin'!
I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
Alright, fine. I'll call you back.
Thank you. OK. Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
Good.
Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure.
No, no, no, no, no, no No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
Why not?
Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.
OK, if you say stop, then we stop.
OK, stop.
Hey Joey.
Hey Phoebs.
How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
I can't find the remote. Thank you.
So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
And?
And we did.
All right Phoebs, way to go.
Yay me.
So, so how did it happen?
And what did he say?
Wow.
Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.
Um-hum.
This man is my God.
Hi.
I didn't get a cat.
Oh, that's um, interesting.
No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.
Alright, I got it Ross.
You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
What?
I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.
There was never a good time.
Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.
Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?
Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.
Fine.
'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.
Good.
Good.
Try the bottom one.
Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.
Well, thanks.
I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.
Well, you know.
You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.
Uh-huh.
And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
Well no, but um.
I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .
So, you feel like goin' for a run?
Alright.
OK. Just for a little while.
OK.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?
Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.
And twenty-five it is.
You gave him cookies?
Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that.
I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.
Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?
Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.
So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?
Uhh, the mailman, the super.
Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
Oh my God.
What?
Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.
Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.
Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
Esther Livingston. Gone.
Hi, Phoe.
Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?
Oh, just updating the phonebook.
Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?
Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?
Just, you know, to see... um.
OK, is this really my father?
Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.
OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
Look, I. . .
Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.
Oh God.
Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?
Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
Honey.
Oh.
Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. This is the real him.
Oh.
Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Who said anything about Christmas?
Hi.
Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?
No, nothin'.
I hope she's OK.
Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.
She told us.
So whaddya got there Monica?
Just some stuff for the party.
Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.
C'mon Rachel.
See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.
Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross.
Hey.
Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.
C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?
Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.
Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.
No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.
I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.
Whattaya mean?
He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.
Wow. Thank you.
Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.
Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.
Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.
Hey, here she comes.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.
Eeeshk.
Yeah, big stuff.
OK, let's go.
OK.
Alright, here, you have to hold this.
OK. Brake left, gas right?
Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.
Where's my seat belt?
Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it.
Hey!
Hey.
C'mon, just tell me, please, please.
For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.
Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.
Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .
Ross, the heat!
Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. OK, this way is on, so this is. . . off.
Did you just break the radiator?
No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.
Well put it back.
It uhh, it won't go back.
I'll call the super.
Here, let me try.
Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.
Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.
Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
OK, tip the man.
Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.
Ooh, this is it, 74.
Oh, so that's what this is for.
Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.
Yeah.
Sure is.
OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.
Alright.
Good luck Phoebs.
OK.
How far'd ya get?
Mailbox.
Alright, we're gettin' closer.
Uh-huh.
Phoebs, what's goin' on?
Well, so why not go knock?
Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.
Yeah?
Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.
You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.
Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.
Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!
Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?
Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier.
Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.
Oh, I couldn't go in.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Are you OK?
Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone.
Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.
Rach, these are for you.
Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
OK, Phoebs, your turn.
Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
Uh-huh.
You guuuyys.
And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
You got me a cola drink?
And, a lemon lime.
Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
And last but not least.
They're ribbed for your pleasure.
Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
So how did everything go?
Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.
Well, we've gotta go.
Ok.
Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.
Oh, you and me?
Uh, no, Susan and me.
The other us.
Ok.
We're uh, we're getting married.
As in, I now pronounce you wife and wife married?
Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.
Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.
Look I just thought that...
Is your finger caught in that chair?
Mmm hmmm.
Want us to go?
Uh-huh.
That is so good! Do it again!
That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
No no, that's me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hello.
Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
Is everything ok?
Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Oh my god.
That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.
Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.
Oh, honey.
What do you mean?
I think it went into me.
Hi.
How's it going?
It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.
Fine, whatever.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.
What?
You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.
Carol, what's the matter? What happened?
Oh my god.
It's ok. I'm sorry.
I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right.
You do?
Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.
Of course I do.
You're right. Of course you're right.
So we're back on?
We're back on.
You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.
It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
Thank you.
Any time.
Ross.
You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.
Would you look at them?
Yeah, can't help but.
How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? I wrapped those bad boys.
I miss Rose.
Oh, yeah?
Ok, that's so nice.
I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right?
Hey, Mom? Having fun?
Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.
There's more alcohol, right?
How you doin'?
Ok.
You did a good thing today.
Yeah.
You wanna dance?
No, that's fine.
Come on. I'll let you lead.
Ok.
All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people.
Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?
Well, Mon, I was married.
Yeah, me, too, technically.
I had a wedding.
All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.
Isn't Ben in this?
Oh, yeah!
That commercial always makes me so sad.
Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
And the fact that they're both monkeys.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
Rhythm?
No, my first fan mail.
Alright!
'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
Hey guys.
Hey.
Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
I know, I know. Hello.
Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
Hi Rob Dohnen.
I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.
Oh, wow.
Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves.
Hello.
It's Erica.
Ah, the stalker.
Never mind, it's open.
Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
Let's get out of here.
The one time they're not home.
That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
She's comin'.
It's me.
Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
Wait, wait, wait.
Hi.
Erica.
Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
Oh my God, what happened?
Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
I can't believe this.
I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
Zoo dollars?
Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
Ooohhh.
I know.
I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
Yeah.
Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
And she's not crazy?
Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
Oh my God.
You OK?
That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
I was thinkin' about it.
OK. OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
Hi Phoebe.
Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
Yeah it is. . . what?
Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.
Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
Who's they?
No one.
Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
Good, otherwise my watch would fall off.
No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
Alright, just one. Wow, you're good at that.
Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?
No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
But that's what...
I should just be happy to be near you.
Hey I-
Hey what?
That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! Hey. He-hey.
There'll be times when you get older when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you. . . But don't. Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
Excellent!
Very informative!
Not at all inappropriate!
Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
That was great, the kids loved you.
Yay, I rock.
And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
But.
How did you know there was a but?
The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
I can do that.
Really?
Yeah.
Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
Thinkin' about it.
Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
Buddy, my monkey?
Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.
Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
That guy Lipson?
Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
No, I, I only know Lipson.
Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.
Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
Of course.
Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
This is unbelievable.
So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
Maybe.
But you already told me everything.
Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
Well, so what're you gonna do?
That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
OK, hi again.
Hi Phoebe.
Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
Fired! Why?
The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
No.
I see.
Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Who's Barney.
Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
You're kidding.
This is amazing.
I know.
I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.
OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
OK.
Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
Um, yeah I guess that's me.
She's here.
Sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men, and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they're kidding themselves. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
I'm sorry guys, closed set.
Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
Ross, there he is.
Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. a-weema-way, a-weema-way.....
Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
Does anybody need anything?
Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
That is so unfair.
You're blowin' me off for a monkey?
Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
Stick a fork what?
Like, when you're cooking a steak.
Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
What did you say?
Oh, you just know.
Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
You want me to wear your panties?
Could ya?
Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
Oooh.
With mealworms.
Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?
I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? Can you beat up that guy?
Sure.
This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
Normally, I would not do it.
Well, what made you make the exception for me?
'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
Say you're sorry.
No.
Say it.
No.
Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
Say you're sorry.
OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play.
What're you gonna do?
You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
You don't have the guts.
Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
I'll help you fix your sweater.
I'll help you throw out your purse.
I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves
Joey?
Ma?
Joey!
Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
Are you naked in there?
Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
No, no, this is the first time.
Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
Well, let me see.
No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
Alright, alright. Woah, someone's flossing.
Joey, some people don't like that.
Chandler's wearing panties.
What? Let me see.
No, no, you don't have to see.
Hi Tushie.
Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.
How can you not be wearing any underwear?
Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
Hi.
Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.
Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
What happened?
Oh my God.
What?
OK, well, bye.
Goodbye.
Well, bye for me too.
OK, well, bye-bye again.
OK.
Oh, no no no no no.
No no no no.
Impressive.
Bye-bye.
Oh yeah.
How long you been waitin' to say that?
About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Cut.
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Cut.
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
Cut.
Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
Hey.
Hey. Hold on a second. Huh?
What's this?
Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man.
Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.
Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me.
Wow, I don't know what to say. Wow, I, I don't know what to say.
Heh, what d'ya say?
I don't know. It's a bracelet.
Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.
To my best bud. Thanks best bud.
Put it on.
Oh, now? No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion.
I so am.
You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?
Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.
Well, this all looks good.
Great.
And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?
Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing.
Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.
No, just a salad will be fine.
You got it.
Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it.
Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Don't, I like it dirty.
That's your call.
So, uh, what are you going to do next?
Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.
Are they, uh, firm?
They'r alright.
No really, they're OK.
You gonna slice them up real nice?
Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
Aaaahhhhhhh.
I'm outa here.
Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Wha, OK, now how do you know that?
Because she's your lobster.
Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Hey, you feelin' better?
Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.
So, do you have any other possibilities?
Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent.
Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money.
No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.
Ya know, the man's got a point.
What is that sparkly thing?
That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.
No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella.
Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi darling.
So, what's this.
Some of your old stuff.
Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym.
Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room?
Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them.
Oh, God forbid.
Oh, hi Rachel.
Hi.
Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear.
Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii.
What, what incident?
Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold.
Do you want a refill?
No, I'm alright, thanks.
I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.
I'm Gail.
Chandler.
It's not that bad.
Chandler, Chandler.
Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?
You know what the. . .
I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . .
You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.
Hey guys.
Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him?
No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.
A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying.
Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up.
Where have you been?
Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?
No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.
C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news.
Why?
Because they made me.
You were fired? What're you gonna do?
Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?
In the bank.
Anything larger back there?
I can't believe it.
Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.
Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found?
Hey now you have two. Oh, now you have two.
What am I gonna do, huh?
Hey.
Hey.
How come you have two?
Well this one's for you.
Get out.
Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.
That's what they'll call us.
Dance with him.
Mom, I'm hungry.
Dance with your father.
I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.
Alright.
Oh, Jack.
Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.
Oh, ohhhhh.
Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.
Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
Alright open your eyes.
Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.
Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.
Congratulations!
I know. chandler: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.
Uh-huh.
So uh, which one is mine?
Ohh yes.
Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.
Do we dare?
We dare.
Aaahhhh. AAAAHHHHHH.
It's James Bond.
Sorry we're late.
Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
Dr. Burke, it, it's me.
Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.
Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. So, how ya been?
I've been great, just great. How have you been?
Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
The head tilt?
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's too bad.
I'll survive.
You've got to get back out there, it's your party.
But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.
You're an opthamologist.
Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.
That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.
See.
OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. Who needs glasses?
You are so smitten.
I am not.
Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.
Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.
So. You two are totally into each other.
Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.
OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?
Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.
Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?
Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.
You got a Cheeto on your face man.
Hi.
Hey.
What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel?
That was 14 hours ago.
So how'd it go?
Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
She laughed at you?
It's the Miracle Wax.
It certainly is a miracle.
Hi you guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .
Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you.
No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how?
Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.
Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.
What's this.
Could you get us a couple of beers?
I'm going to look into your eyes now.
Really.
Good, they feel good, in my head.
So, it's great to see ya.
You too.
You too.
OK, um. Goodbye.
Drops!
What?
Drops. Here, they're free.
Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.
Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.
Thanks again.
Wow, is that Michelle?
Yep.
I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.
Ya know, she's having another baby.
I thought she just had one.
Oh, you're a grandpa.
Yeah. Are we nuts here?
I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.
I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.
Yeah.
So.
So maybe we should just. . .
Yeah, yeah, maybe.
Wow, this really sucks.
Yeah, it sure does.
Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?
No, no, there's no rush or anything.
Pizza delivery.
Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.
Rach.
Oh.
I'm done.
Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else.
No, no, we won't.
We won't?
C'mon.
OK, that's dead right?
What is this? What are we doing?
Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?
Grape.
OK, now, sit. OK.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
Ah, so what are we looking at?
Really?
I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.
Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight.
You're not laughing.
This time it's not so funny.
Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.
What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.
Oh, thank God.
Hi.
Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.
I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.
What?
We're not alone.
Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?
That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
Waaa-aaah.
What?
The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.
Yeah, so.
Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.
Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.
Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.
Alright, shall we?
Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. We're here.
Oh hi kids. Hi darling.
Happy birthday dad.
Oh thank you.
Hi ma.
Happy birthday.
Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?
Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.
Well, you kids take the train in?
No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.
Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.
Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.
Are we still on that?
We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.
She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up.
Can you believe this place?
I know, this is a great apartment.
Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.
Hey.
Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.
Thanks. You want it?
Huh?
Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.
Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?
Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.
Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.
C'mon, tell us.
Yeah, is she really 20.
I am not telling you guys anything.
C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
Jack, would you let it go?
Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.
Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.
OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?
Well I. . .
I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.
Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.
Here we go.
Uh-huh.
You're not going?
Uh-huh.
No. Well, yeah, maybe.
What's 1922?
Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .
OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?
No.
OK, who is the boss of you?!!
You?
How ya doin'?
I'm a twinkie.
Really? I'm a hero.
Oh, this is so hard.
Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.
Maybe we should just tell your parents first.
My parents are dead.
I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.
Alright.
Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.
Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.
I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?
I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.
I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.
Really.
I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.
So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?
Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.
Oh Jack stop.
C'mon, it's my birthday.
Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.
Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.
Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.
Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.
What?
Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
Well that's how I feel.
Well then maybe you should take it.
Well then maybe I will.
Fine with me.
Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.
Who's drink can I freshen?
Almost time for cake.
Mon, Mon, are you OK?
You remember that video I found of mom and dad?
Yeah.
Well, I just caught the live show.
Eww.
Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.
I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.
Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.
Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.
Oh OK. Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.
You didn't get it?
No.
Why didn't you get it?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.
Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.
Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?
Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . except when we are here.
I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.
I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.
Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?
Yeah, I remember.
Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.
So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?
Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.
Thanks.
So, I guess this is it.
Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.
Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.
Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.
Yeah.
Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.
Get out.
No.
Wow Joey, this is, uhh...
Art.
Art it is.
Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.
Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?
Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.
Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.
Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.
Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come?
Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.
Right, I go-, I got it.
So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?
Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. Heh?
Hey, nice toilet.
No no no, behind it.
Wha-, you have a phone in here?
That's right, I have a phone in here.
Joey, promise me something.
Yeah.
Never call me from that phone.
OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.
Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.
Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.
OK.
OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.
I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.
I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.
I'm done now.
Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.
Get the what?
Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.
What're you doing?
Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.
Calm down, I'm blow drying.
Blow drying what, you have no hair.
What's goin' on?
Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.
GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!
Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.
All yours.
I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Cut it out.
Mi-mi-mii.
I've never wanted you more.
Hello.
Hey.
Hey!
Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.
Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.
Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.
Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'
Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.
Oh, well great.
Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.
Well OK then. Was that the oven timer?
That's right my friend. It's time for...
Baywatch!!
Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?
I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.
Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?
Hey, hey, they're runnin'
See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.
But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.
I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?
I promise you, he would definitely want you back.
I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.
But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.
Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.
Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.
But...
No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.
OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?
They're your backup singers... beind you.
Alrighty. From the top.
Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.
I was.
Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. Call Joanna. Hi.
Did she leave a number?
Did you see me write one down?
I don't have her number, butt-munch.
Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.
I'm not a baby, you're the baby.
Look, you wanna get off my back?
You wanna get out of my face?
Give me that.
OK.
Hey.
So uhh, how's the palace?
Nice to meet ya.
At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.
Wow.
Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.
Oh, now it's a spare room?
Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.
Well I uh, got what I came for. I'll uh, I'll see you guys.
Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?
Is this guy great or what?
Yeah, yeah he is.
I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?
Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.
It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.
Hey.
Hey.
Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. OK.
Oh my God.
I know.
Pretty uhm, different huh?
Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.
Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?
Eddie.
Morning.
Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. Where's the mail?
Oh it's uh, over there on the table.
No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.
Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?
Oh, ooh.
Huh.
What?
No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.
Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.
Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.
See ya.
So how you two gettin' along?
Oh, I couldn't be happier.
There's another carton right over there.
Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.
Alright, so what's it about?
Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?
Well I like both eggs equally.
Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.
Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?
Hey.
Hey.
Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.
No.
Yes.
Well, how did you find out?
So what're you gonna do?
Well, I can't work with people who would do this.
Sure.
I mean this poor woman.
What woman?
The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.
OK, Phoebs. But what about you?
Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?
No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.
Yeah o-, OK, alright. Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.
Y-, y-, you like that show?
You don't like that show?
Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.
I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.
Oh o-, OK man.
Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.
Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.
Monica.
They won't take you to the vet.
Chandler.
You're obviously not their favorite pet.
Joey.
It may not be a bed of roses.
Rachel.
And you're no friend to those with noses.
Oh Drake.
I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?
We, we just wanna see the end.
I want you Drake.
What?
So what happens next?
God that is good TV.
Phoebs, play with meeee.
Why don't you play with your roommate?
We don't need to remedy that.
Oh yeah, it'll be fun.
What was that?
Yeah alright, that sounds alright.
That was so lame.
I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him.
Well it's not Sean Penn.
Phoebe's got another job, right?
Great set tonight Phoebs.
I know.
Well, we should probably get going.
I don't know, I don't have my jammies.
Well, maybe you don't need them.
My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
Shut up, I'm happy.
Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.
Ok.
Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.
Phoebe's dead.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.
Thanks.
Oh, oh, c'mon in.
I'm Tilly.
Oh.
He's kind of intense huh?
A little what?
Hello Tilly.
Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
So, we gettin' a fish?
You had sex with her didn't you?
Ooh, I look good.
Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.
Right. Could you sign this?
No. No way, I'm not signing that.
How can they do this to me?
Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.
G'night.
Night Richard. Good luck Mon.
Two.
Uhhhooo.
Well, there's you.
Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.
Really?
Where's Buddy?
Buddy?
My fish, Buddy.
C'mon.
Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?
Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.
Why?
Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.
I can't sleep now.
You want me to sing?
Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.
I didn't realize that.
Yeah.
GET OUT NOW!!
Ok, you really want me out?
Yes please.
I want you out.
No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.
Where did you hear it from before?
I heard that.
Don't worry about it already. Things happen.
So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?
Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
No, can we get back to me?
Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.
Alright. Cab driver number two?
You're welcome.
But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?
Things change, roll with em.
But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.
Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.
I'm sorry. See ya.
Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.
Isn't it.
Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.
Hey you guys.
Hey.
Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.
NO!
No?
No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table?
Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.
No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.
You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?
Excuse me, your, your, your wind?
Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.
Um-um, um-um.
You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit!
Hey pal.
Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?
Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!
Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?
Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?
Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!
Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?
Your last roommate's kidney?
That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.
Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.
Lemonade? You ok man?
Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?
I fell down an elevator shaft.
That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.
What?
I used to be Bryce on All My Children.
Daaahhhh!
Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!
Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.
I wa-
Uuuh.
Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
What?
You, you want, you want me to move out?
Uh-huh.
This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
You want some help.
No help required Chico.
All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.
Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.
What?
Five oh dollars.
That's great.
Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.
Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.
And I would have to say pah-huh.
What?
Do you not remember the puppet guy?
Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
And his puppet too.
Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.
Who?
Paul.
Oh.
Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.
Not uh, not to my recollection.
Only 'cause you took up half the circle.
Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.
One hour? You are such a leaf blower.
May I help you?
Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?
Well, I'm, I'm sorry... Ahhh. Have we met?
It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.
I, I'm sorry, I uh I already have a roommate.
Hello.
Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.
No he, he moved out and I moved in.
Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.
I know I would.
Hey no problem.
Welcome home man.
A little foos?
Absolutely.
What happened to the foosball?
Ah that's a cantelope.
Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?
He paid a lot of money for it.
Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.
Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?
Ok honey, you really need a job.
Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
Really.
Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.
On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.
No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.
Ahh.
And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.
His indian name?
No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.
Freakish.
Wow.
Freaky.
Weird, weird.
Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.
Why?
Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.
Man, I am so beat.
Oh yeah.
Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?
Yeah alright.
Hey you're in our seats.
Oh, sorry we didn't know.
Hey, we were sitting there.
Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?
Is that supposed to be funny?
No actually, I was just going for colorful.
What's with this guy?
What's with you?
Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.
What just happened?
I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.
That, that is funny. Can I have it back?
No.
No?
No.
Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.
Why should we?
Because it's a special hat. See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...
Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?
You got a problem with that?
No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.
See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?
Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.
We love you, we're here for you.
Yeah good luck, good luck.
Thanks.
Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich?
Ohh, what is in that?
Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.
Hey, hey, no, oh oh.
Run Phoebe run.
Are you kidding me?
Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.
Ok, here, I know what we can do.
Hey, hey, hey no.
Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.
Are you crazy?
Phoebs, he's just a little dog. Ahhh.
Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.
Yeah, I don't know.
What's the matter?
Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand.
Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?
Ok, thanks. Sorry, again
What was that?
Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
Your cappucino sir.
Thank you.
Absolutely.
How come it's not mixing with the water?
Ok.
No.
No?
Alright, hang on a second there Custer.
Yeah, sure.
By someone besides Monica?
Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.
I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
What?
For what?
I've gotta get back in the game.
Oh no.
Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.
Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?
I, I don't have it.
Nobody does honey.
God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.
Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.
Yeah he was wasn't he.
Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.
Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.
So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?
We're ok.
Alright.
Ok so, can I have my hat back?
No.
Huh.
Look at her.
Hi Monica.
He-he-he, how's it goin'?
Hey nice boobs.
Guys guys, check this out.
Excellent.
Ohhh.
What?
Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?
Yeah.
Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.
Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See honk honk.
Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.
I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come.
Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.
Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.
Why not her?
Cause she uh, she steals stuff.
Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.
Joey that is horriable.
Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.
I'm sorry, I didn't know.
I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.
Hi honey, how did it go?
Agh, it was the graduation from hell.
So what happened?
Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.
Well, how bout just her mom?
Why her mom?
Cause I already invited her.
Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?
Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.
Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.
This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?
Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.
Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.
Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
I, I know.
Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.
Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.
Ok will do. So glad you came.
I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.
Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye.
Oh ok.
Happy birthday sweetie.
Ok.
Ahh, you drive safe.
Ross, what're you doing.
I'm getting ready for the water skiing. How are you doing?
Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?
To get my coat.
No no no.
Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.
Sorry, we're on a major flan high.
I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.
Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.
Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. Well, ok, you take care.
Oh, you kids Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.
Thank you.
Ok everybody, it's time for flan.
Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.
Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.
Ok, that's enough.
Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.
Ok, I've got one. Wow, those things almost never come true.
Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?
Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
Who?
All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.
Wow!
Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.
'Cause he was just so darn cute.
No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.
Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. Or you just do it.
I did do it, I'm a professional.
Then what's the problem?
See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.
Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing Ooh.
Hey, what did your agent say?
Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.
What, forget it!
Yeah, right.
Come on, I need your help here.
All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.
You see this, this is a friend.
Uh-huh, let's go. Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.
Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem?
Yeah, that makes sense.
Over my dead body!
And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
Where's Benny? There he is! Where's Benny, there he is.
Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.
Okay.
Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?
Sure I do.
Yeah, am I in it?
Honey, you are in it.
Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.
Oh, yeah!
Keep talkin'.
Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.
Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?
Like a hound?
Not a basset, a bassinet.
You really need the bassinet?
Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.
Uh-huh.
Look I want you, now.
That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.
Hey, there.
Hi.
Are you all right?
God I know, you're right.
All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.
Okay, I'll see you after the thing.
Okay, good luck
Thank you, Okay, Okay.
Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello?
Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?
What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.
Oh, my.
What?
She wants to meet you in person.
Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.
Okay, I'll do it!
Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.
Okay, last chance. Again, I'm sorry.
Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...
What?!
What, you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...
What.
Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend.
Oh dear God.
Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me Cheers.
She you in the parking lot.
No, Rach!
And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?
Marenge,
...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody..
Everybody!
Okay, I'll do it.
You'll do what?
If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.
Oh my God!
Really?
Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.
You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'
But you're not.
Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.
God. I love you.
I know you do. Me too. So what now?
I guess we just keep dancing.
Where is she, Where is she? Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.
Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Oh my God!
OH.....MY.....GAWD!!
OH.....MY.....GOD!!
All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.
Taste it.
Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!
Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
Hey!
Hey, mister tux!
Why aren't you guys dressed?
We have a half hour.
Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.
Okay.
Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.
Really.
Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.
Hi.
How come you didn't come over earlier?
'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.
Hey, Ross, want some cider?
No. So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done.
Yeah, I just have to get dressed.
Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.
Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.
Glass of fat?
Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.
Wow! What a pleasure.
Excuse me. Hi.
Yes?
Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.
What do you mean, your seat?
I mean, I was sitting there.
But, you got up!
But, I never left the room!
But, you left the chair area.
All right, that's it, give me your underwear.
Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.
I didn't know there were docks.
Hey.
Hey.
Aww, is it broken?
No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks.
Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.
Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.
What is this? Fruit?
Monica's making jam.
Whoa, jam! I love jam! Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Because the kids need new shoes.
I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot.
This will just be my batch.
You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....
What?
One more chance Ursula, please?
Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Wh..
Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
Oh, you're not a dingus.
I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay.
Well thanks.
Wait, you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
Not really.
Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here
Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
Yeah, okay.
Okay. Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more.
Sorry.
Here's my binoculars.
Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.
These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
Oh, yeah. What's this?
Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?
Um, not even a little bit.
It's about you.
Oh, okay then.
I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.
Good. So what were you thinking?
I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.
Really?
No.
Oh.
See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you.
Oh, okay.
Oh my God, what happened?
Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
Oh, I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
Ross's what?
You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
Phoebe?
Yes? Yes! Oh.
What are you doing?
Were you following me?
Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me.
Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
Uh-huh, I don't know.
Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go?
I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it Maybe if they met me in person.
Honey, you got a little thing on your...
Did I get it?
Yeah.
Hello.
Hello.
Hey. Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure. What's up?
Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk!
Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
Oh, oh! It's on again!
You guys, can we please not watch this all right.
Shhhh!
Oh, you said it Mike. Aw! There's got to be a better way!
And there is Kevin.
Can we please turn this off?
Noo way, Kevin.
Are you intrigued?
You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!
Wow, it is easy. Now, I can have milk everyday.
Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents.
Come on baby, come on!
'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.'
Very nice touch.
Unbelievable.
Thank you so much.
It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before.
Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.
Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.
Two?
Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you.
Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right
Nooo, four.
So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this.
Ohhh, are you a puppy! Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.
Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
Oh, you didn't have to do this.
Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.
Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.
Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.
We should?
Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!
I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
You probably want us to move in together?
It doesn't scare me!
Honey, this will help.
Uff.
That is never good.
Then I got all needy and clingy.
She said she'd call me.
Ohh!
Oh God.
Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
Yeah, you do.
So, you don't think I'm terminal?
Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.
Okay, okay. So, should I call her?
Nooo!
She has to know that your not ready.
Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.
So I'm not, not gonna lose her?
Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.
I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'
Oh.
Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?
G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
Go Joe!!!
Helloo! Oh!
Pheebs! There you are!
No it's not, sorry.
But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe!
It's okay, these things happen.
I'm, I'm okay. See.
No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.
Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
They actually said that?
Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...
Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.
You'll never get me, Joe!!!
No, thank you. Chandler!
Hello, Janice.
What are you doing here?
Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?
Are you being British?!
No. Not anymore.
Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?
Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party.
Barley? What kind of party serves barley?
Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
Where is this party?
Here in Chelsea.
Who's party is it?
A woman's
What woman?!
Chelsea.
Can I be that guy?
Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.
Okay, shoot.
Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
I didn't get it?
No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that.
Okay, what else?
Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.'
Oh.
Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'
Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.
Oh.
Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Yeah, no, I understand.
You do, thanks.
Yeah. Sorry.
Wait a minute.
What?
Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.
Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.
That's-ah what I suspected-ah.
....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.
My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.
I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?
Yeah, it is.
You know what, everything's gonna be okay.
Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. Okay, what do I do?
Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.
If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.
Yeah.
Hello!
Yes, and grumpy.
He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
I love you too.
Aw, it's soo unfair.
G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!
Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.
What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'
What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.
What?
Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time.
What are you talking about?
The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag.
Okay, you are totally making this up.
How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea.
Oh God.
I've literally never been this happy.
Wasn't there a little song?
Oh please God, let there be a song.
There was no song. There was no song!
'I am Bea.'
Okay.
'I drink tea.'
Okay, that's, that's enough.
'....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '
Won't you dance around with me.
A-ha!!!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?
No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail.
Yeah!
Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
You're building a post office?
No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It's a one day job, max.
Okay. My word! Those are snug.
Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente's.
Power saw kinda got away from me there.
Hey Pheebs.
Hey!
Any sign of your brother?
No, but he's always late.
I thought you only met him once?
Well relax, he'll be here.
No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.
Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?
No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!
Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
I do NOT want this unit!!
Well, you should've told me that before, I'm not a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm going to Monica's.
Fine!
Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982?
Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor?
Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.
I highly doubt that.
Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. Yeah.
I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Relax. Here hold this . This old stuff just comes right off.
That's a little more than I wanted to see.
Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it.
I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
Eh! There you go.
You know that's nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!
Oh, ew!
What?
Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad.
What, wait, you mean like this?
Yeah, yeah. You can do it to.
Your not doing it.
Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can't. We don't have that....
When's your birthday?
Feburary 16th.
I know a guy who's the 18th.
Wow, that's close. When's yours?
October 25th.
That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?
Melt stuff.
Okay, I've got three of my five.
Three of your five, what?
Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.
Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left.
All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?
Okay, Elizabeth Hurely....
Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.
Susan Sarandon.
Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.
And!! Isabella Rosselini.
Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too international, y'know she's never gonna be around.
So?
So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time.
Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography.
Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
Yeah.
So is it like art?
Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?
No, I wanna melt it.
Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.
Yeah!
G'night, bro.
G'night.
Here. Y'know, just in case.
Oh, excellent.
What kind of karate is that?
No kind. He just makes it up.
So how's it going with you guys?
So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I just thought y'know that he'd feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and....
Oh honey, we're close now but you-you wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and.... That's where the waistband actually goes over your head.
Ah!!
Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.
Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
I just asked you.
I just asked you.
I don't have time for this.
No, that is what the game is.
Which you just gave up really quickly.
Have you seen Joey?
What's the matter?
What's going on?
He's retiling my floor.
Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!
He started mine first!
Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly.
Whoa! Big octopus.
Yeah. 'Hello. Oh my God, I totally forgot! Well can't someone else do it. But, I have company. Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in.' Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um.
Hey, what kind of work do you do?
Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.
You-you work at one of those massage parlors?
Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah!
Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea.
All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?
You mean like watch?
No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?
Well, I don't think this, y'know.
No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?
Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was. Whoa! Are you going in there for?
What, like a number?
Hey!
Hi! Bye!
Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final.
Well, it's about time.
Ooh, very official.
Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.
And who laminated it?
That would be me.
All right let me see. Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?
Hey, it's my list.
Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.
Okay, on three. One....Two....
Why don't we just go on two.
Why two?
Because it's faster.
Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk.
Oh!
All right, but in the future...
Okay!! Okay!!
Come on!
Heavy thing, not getting lighter!
Okay, one...two...
So we are going on two?
All right!!
Oh, good job Joe.
Wow, it's big!
Maybe, my ruler's wrong.
Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Y'know what?
Umm?
I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there.
I've got five bucks says you can't.
Get out your checkbook, mister.
Oh, I think I have the cash.
You are dogged man! I totally fit!
Yeah, you got me. I'm out five big ones! Here you go.
Thank you. Cha-ching! Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. And the drinks are on me!
Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?
Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
I'm sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.
Well, that's really a different question.
Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
What?!!
Excuse me, there was no time!
Okay, but let's say there was. How might that go?
Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost?
Does anybody need more coffee?
Yeah, I'll take some.
Hey, there's a dog out there!
Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?
Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that's cool.
Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never.
Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you're chances are pretty good. All right.
Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, Bye-bye.
Don't you ah, don't you wanna ask me any questions?
Sure. Ummm. What's up?
Well, ah, I'm an actor. I'm fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don't worry I'm totally okay with the gay thing.
What gay thing?
No real-, honey, really it's fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
So what are they doing?
I don't know, something girlie.
Hey, you're early.
What are you doing with the lamp?
I'm just taking it to be re-wired.
No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.
You're disturbing my oboe practice.
You don't play the oboe!
I could play the oboe!
Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down.
Who are you?
Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new roommate.
I'm Chandler's new roommate.
I-I-I don't think so.
I could be Chandler's new roommate.
But, he told me over the phone.
He told me in person.
That's weird.
Hi, again.
Hey!
Hey!
Thank you soo, much.
You want some help with that?
Oh, no thanks, I got it. No I don't!
Whoa! Are you okay?
It's the heat. And-and the humidity.
That's a uh, that's a tough combination.
Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.
Gotcha.
Oh, you bet I am!
Okay, here's your penis!
Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
So?!
Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
Oh right, right.
Pheebs?
Huh?
Where's your bed?
What?
What are you talking about?
Everybody knows!
What?!?!
You can spill. In the sink.
I love you, too.
Aww, good. What?
What? I'm just said.
So ah, whatcha watching?
Baywatch.
What's it about?
Lifeguards.
Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.
Wow! Look at them run.
Yeah, I'll go get one.
Well, hello!
Hey.
Help yourself.
You okay?
Phoebe moved out.
Right.
Well, I think so.
Hi. Where is everybody?
Oh no! Why?
Well, now I do!!
I'm sorry.
Aw, God Ross. Oh.
Umm, this is nice.
I know, it is isn't it?
I know. Thanks.
I can't believe you came back.
Don't say anything. I don't wanna speak, I don't wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now.
Rachel! Rachel!
What?
You missed the exit!
Oh, sorry.
My God, what were you thinking about?
Um, Barry.
Awwww!!
So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and out.....
I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda.
Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
Who's singing?
Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
I was always Joanne.
Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighbourhood?
Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!
Booo!!
Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices!
What a wank!
Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.
I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king.
Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
Not at these prices.
Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. Woo!
Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend... Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
Hi Daddy!
This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
You remember Ross.
Um-hmm.
Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
So! How's the library?
Ugh, museum.
What happened to the library?
You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
It's not a library...
I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu.
Hey, Mr. Trib.
Hey-hey.
Guess what, I got an audition!
Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.
I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
You bet! What's the part?
Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.
Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Um. yeah.
I am soo dead.
All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!'
Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
Okay, okay, okay. I'll get the bagels.
What's this?
Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
This is not the bed I ordered!
I know, you must've won like a contest or something!
Phoebe!
Why is this car in my bedroom?
I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that they won't take it back because you signed for it...
When did I sign for it?
When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open!
Did you make brownies today?
Knock, knock.
Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed.
Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
It's Monica's bed. What?
Okay. It's a racecar.
So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?
Sometimes I have bad dreams.
Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me.
Wow! That was good. That was... Tweezers?
No.
Whoa. That was really good.
Thanks, any suggestions?
You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Well, I-I might've said supergay.
You totally screwed him over.
Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part.
Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.
Uh, may I help you?
Look, it's like I told you, there's nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.
Nobody sees the king!
Oh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king.
Hey! You can't go back there!
Oh my God.
Eh..., I don't, I don't know.
What?
Rachel?
Yeah.
Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new?
Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever.
Eh, do you believe that?
Yeah?
So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you.
Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.
Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand.
Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.
I was shrieking... like a Marine.
All right here. Watch me execute the three 'P's of championship play. Power. Precision. and penache.
You broke a little girl's leg?!!
I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. Where exactly were around ten-ish?
Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she'll like?
Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk...
I'm gonna get back to retraining.
All right, see you guys.
Look out kids, he's coming!
And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.
Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I am totally against that now.
What? Me having a job?
No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night?
Really?
Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it's the only chance to see New York.
Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there.
What if you put them here.
They already do. That's why they call it the 'tray spot.'
Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry.
It's all right. Sweetheart.
Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh?
I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.
No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he's gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?
The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five.
Yeah.
So far, I've sold seventy-five.
Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. How much are the boxes?
Five dollars a box.
And what is second prize?
A ten speed bike. But, I'd rather have something my Dad couldn't sell.
Well, that makes sense.
Could you do me one favor, if it's not too much trouble?
Yeah, Sarah, anything.
Yesss?
Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies.
You're no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole.
No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary Brown Bird
What does that mean?
Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleep-overs.
I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away!
No, please, please, um, it's for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world.
I'm pressing, a policeman is on his way.
Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going.
I can still see you!
All right!!
Hey.
Hey. What, what are you doing here?
Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, oh, but oh...
Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas....
Destiny.
Sure.
Yes.
All right.
Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones, he's just taking it to the back.
You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist.
Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.
So, what happens to the old guys?
Well, they go into the chipper.
Why, do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds? No! Nooooo!!!
Hey! Hey!!
Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it's a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.
Looks good. I'll take it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don't want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one.
It's-it's-it's almost dead!
Okay but that's why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it's Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey
Yeah, the ah, trees that don't fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper.
I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more.
Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here.
Hey, guys. I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree.
Well look no further, this one's yours! Ahhh.
Is this the one that I threw out last year?
All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional, I guess it's just the holidays, it's hard.
Oh honey, is that 'cause your Mom died around Christmas?
Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.
Oh.
Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell?
I'm not gonna tell you! You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg.
Hey now! That was an accident, okay.
You're a big scrud.
What's a scrud?
Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud.
I don't have too. I can just look at you.
All right girls, and man. Let's see your final tallies. Ohhhh, Debbie, 321 boxes of cookies, Very nice.
Not nice enough.
Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good.
Good for a scrud.
Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871.
That's crap!! Sister Brown Bird. Good going.
Who's next?
Hi there!
Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.
Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency.
Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.
Hey! How'd the interview go?
Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you're gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. That's not how that was supposed to come out.
This is the worst Christmas ever.
Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.
I can't! It's too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. Look at her, she's even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... swans.
That word was swans.
Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas.
Oh! Oh my God!
Merry Christmas!!
You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best!
It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.'
Hello? Yeah, this is she. Oh! You're kidding! You're kidding! Oh thank you! I love you!
Sure, everybody loves a kidder.
I got the job!
That's great! Hey! Excellent!
Oh, God bless us, everyone.
Really Mr. Geller, you don't have to do this.
Oh come on! Here we go! Stand by for mission countdown!
Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight... Okay, Blast off!
I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
Oh no! An asteroid!
Okay, pick a card, any card. All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
Um-mm.
All right, give it back to me. 5 of hearts.
Real magic does exist.
Wow.
Wow. Joey, how do you do it?
I can't tell you that, no.
Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling.
Noo, that's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.
Why don't you go up there and ask him to 'step lightly, please?'
I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
Ooh, that is silly. I'll go up there, I'll tell him to keep it down.
All right, be my guest.
Good luck.
Oh, I got it.
Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?
Honey, what's the matter?
I just saw Janice.
Oh.
Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.
Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....
Hey Chandler, there's a party tomorrow, you'll feel better then.
Oh, y'know what, I'm gonna be okay, you don't have to throw a party for me.
It's Joey's birthday.
Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him.
Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there.
Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it's supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.
How's that coffee comin,' dear?
Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.
I'm not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy.
I know!
I'll bet your thinking, 'What's an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?' Eh?
Op.
Eh.
Oh, you got me.
Oh, that sounds great.
Come on over here, sweetheart.
Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much.
I need these hangers separated ASAP. You're welcome.
Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.
I know honey, I'm sorry.
Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in.
Oh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't.... I don't mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?
I'm sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah....
It's not funny, this is actually my job.
Oh believe me, I-I-I've been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
Ah, just one other thing.
Yes?!
Do you want my pickle?
So, he's just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn't want anything in exchange for helping him?
Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that's true of any job.
How ya feelin'?
Well, my apartment isn't there anymore, because I drank it.
Where'd you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
Yeah.
Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
Woooo hoooo!!!
Ow, no 'woo-hooing,' no 'woo-hooing.'
Why, what happened?
Ah, I fooled around with Joey's sister. Well, that's not the worst part.
What is the worse part?
I can't remember which sister.
You see what men do! Don't tell me men are not nice! This is men!!
Did he call? Did Mark call?
No honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's not over yet.
Oh. Oh my God, is that Phoebe?
I guess they're back from their date.
Music. Very nice.
Oh my God!
So, how are you?
I am good. I finished my book.
Oh yeah, what's it about?
I don't remember. Do you wanna take a walk?
Yeah, I do.
Well, that's the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I'll be in Cuba.
What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Where in Cuba?
Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?
Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
I'm here to see Mary-Angela.
Where's Mary-Angela?
She's right in there.
Hey, Chandler!
Hey!
Hi!
What are you doing here?
Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I...
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
How'd did it go?
I'm so proud of you.
Me too!
Listen, I'm ah, I'm sorry I've been so crazy and jealous and, it's just that I like you a lot, so...
I know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Rachel?
Yeah. Hi Mark!
Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job.
Oh, I did!
Yes.
Oh my God!!
Congratu!! -lations-lations.
So ah, Phoebe, how was your date?
Oh well y'know.
Yeah, I do know.
Ick, you were eavesdropping.
Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.
Oh, I'm sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me.
Maybe he's just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it?
Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?
Ah, we'll all go. Come on.
Thanks you guys! Thank you.
Don't worry.
God, I hope they kick his ass!
Honey, I'm sorry.
Y'know if it's any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you.
May I help you?
Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! Don't cry outloud.
Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?
I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.
It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.
Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
What?
Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Who?
I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
The what?
The abridgment.
Oh, okay. The what?
All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it.
Please, I'm not going for anything.
Well, if you don't, I will.
Would you please go?
Night Mon. Night Julio.
Adios.
Look Julio, someone left their book here.
Ah actually, that is mine.
Oh yeah, what are you reading?
Your a poet and don't know it.
Actually I ah, I am a poet.
Mine? Right here?
Lovely, just lovely.
Really? Thanks.
Excellent, I'll be there.
Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?
Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm...
Wh-what's that?
It's from Ross, it's a love bug.
Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?
Yes.
One, two, three...
Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.
It's nice to have a boyfriend.
Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross!
All right Ross!! I get it!!
I mean my God...
You're hurt!
I would never do that!
Mark's a genius!
Hi.
Six dollars, please.
Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
Eight o'clock is the cut-off and, aww, it's 8:02.
Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you're gonna have to help me out here, 'cause I only have three.
I can help with that.
Oh my God. Richard? Hi!
Hi!
Wow! Your lip went bald. Hey, thanks.
So, you look great.
Right.
No you do. You... just...
What?
You've got panties stuck to your leg.
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you too.
You see that guy? He's in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave he's going straight to the porn.
He's gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. This is nice.
Yeah.
I missed this.
Me too.
So, you wanna get a hamburger or something?
Oh, um, I don't know if that's a good idea.
Oh. Look, just friends, I won't grope you. I promise.
No it's not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven.
Hey.
Hey.
Do you have any ice?
Check the freezer. If there's none in there, then we're probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It's late.
Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day?
I discovered I'm able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.
Hmm. Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer?
Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so.
But ah, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer?
Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we've got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.
How often do you read it?
Haven't you ever read the same book over and over again?
Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that's a classic, what's so great about The Shining?
The question should be Rach, what is not so great about the shining. Okay? And the answer would be nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it's way better than that classic of yours.
Okay. Ah, well we'll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, and you will read Little Women.
All right, you got it.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.
Yeah.
You say 'Thank you very much,' and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, we're gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we're gonna start squishing the tomatoes.
Ew, this feels very weird.
You touch people's eyeballs every day and this feels weird.
Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. That's my hand.
Oops.
Okay.
Gotta keep squishing.
Tomatoes are squishing.
Okay.
Op.
Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt.
Yeah.
Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it and it should umm, be.....
What?
Umm, you've got some on your pants.
I'll just throw them out.
So we can be friends who sleep together.
Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball.
Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?
Just your dad. Although that's actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sister's neighbour next Tuesday.
Oh.
You want me to cancel it?
No! No!
Okay.
'Cause if you do that means you'd be cancelling it for me, and we're just friends.
Exactly.
Hi.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, in a grill fire.
What are you smiling at?
I'm sorry, I was just thinking you're day could still pick up.
Yeah, right.
Hello.
I love this friend thing!
Listen, Robert's gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him?
Oh.
Please, right now, no, every time I see him it's like 'Is it on the lose?' 'Is it watching me?'
We can't tell him, you can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff.
He's right, even if it's to say something complementary.
Hey!
Hey.
So are ready for the gym? They've got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other.
No, I can spot you from here.
What?
Okay, listen Robert...
Hey, don't we have to...
Yeah, we got, um-hmm.
Umm, I think you're really, really great...
Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? Is it something I'm putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
I-I-I-I-I don't know, I don't know what to say.
Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house.
What?
Beth is really, really sick.
Awwww.
Jo's there, but I don't think there's anything she could do.
Joey?
Yeah.
Do you want to put the book in the freezer?
Okay.
Okay.
'Cause every time I see your face, I can't help but fall from grace. I know.....
Wow! This girl is good.
Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before.
I like her.
Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?
Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these people.
Look at you. All jealous.
Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she's more.. y'know, and you're more
beside meeeee-eeee-ee. .
Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she's done.
Okay, my next song's called Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way.
Oh no, one of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs.
Hey Phoebe.
Hey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here?
I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....
All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I'd like know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish.
So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
Ah, anything we might of heard of?
Ah, yeah, umm. Home is never far away..
Home is Home Star stew.
Yeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn't come up with anything good, so they fired me.
Hmm, bummer.
No. But thanks.
Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?
Okay. No. But thanks.
Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs.
Wow, that was kinda brutal.
Yeah, sure.
Someone in there?
No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 'wait until the last moment before I burst and die.'
Jeez, man did you fall.. Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn't wait. I left the lid up for ya though.
Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm talking to ah, . This is the part where you say your name.
Ginger.
Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so....
Don't you have to use the bathroom?
Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather talk to you. Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom.
Someone in here.
Where's Chandler?
Ah, he can't make it, he said he had to his... Whoa-oh!
Joey? Joey Tribbiani?
Joey I can see you okay? You're hiding behind the coats.
Phew, close one.
Hi.
Hi, sweetie!
Hello.
Hi, Ross.
Yeah, huh.
I've got some bad news.
What?
Come on sweetie! You've had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time?
Actually, it's kinda my fault. I-I quit today.
But work comes first! Oh hey, but that's sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?
Nooo, he's leaving for a better job.
Okay, then.
Okay.
Well we're gonna miss you around here.
Yeah, me too.
So, see ya on Saturday.
Yeah, you bet.
Well, that's the best kiss I've had with anyone I've ever met in a men's room.
Actually, me too.
Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.
Oh damn, I hate that.
Yeah, we're gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
Oh, don't worry about it.
No, really you're gonna freeze.
No, I'm not.
You're not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?
Some day, maybe.
Funny book?
Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn't mind.
Oh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind, umm....
Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark.
Oh, well...
Oh my God!!! Ross!!
Because, he's my friend.
Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean...
Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
I don't know, you thought 'See you Saturday' was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me.
Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you.
Really!?
Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger.
Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. What?
What should I wear, now I'm all nervous.
Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps.
It's just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn't called. Not that I even care, y'know.
Phoebe why don't you just call her? You obviously want to.
You think you know me so well.
Well, don't 'cha wanna?
Yeah.
Okay, well I do know you.
That's what I said.
Well so?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
Wow, that's great.
Oh, yeah!
Y'know you could totally sell this. It'd be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.
I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.
What? Why not? You could make a ton of money.
Aw, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
That's okay. All right, I'm gonna play song that's really, really sad. It's called Magician Box Mix Up.
Hi!
Hey.
Oh, can I borrow this? My milk's gone bad.
Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.
So umm, how was your date with Ginger?
Great. It was great. She's ah, she's great, great looking, great personality, she's greatness.
Sounds like she's got the ah, whole package.
Joey told you about the leg, huh?
Uh-huh.
Morning.
Actually he's the smallest person in the world.
Heard about the leg burnin' huh?
It came up.
Listen, I ah, I know it's a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny?
So I nodded off a little.
Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses.
Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody! Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we didn't know it had!'
First of all it's Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly.
Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka.
Oh, that is so...
No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island.
Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark?
No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don't know, I feel like lately, I feel like you're slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you've got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it's dumb, but I hate that I'm not a part of it.
It's not dumb. But, maybe it's okay that you're not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? I mean it's like, I-I-I like that you're not involved in that part of my life.
That's a little clearer.
Honey see, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it's-it's for me y'know, I'm out there, on my own, and I'm doing it and it's scary but I love it, because it's mine. I, but, I mean is that okay?
Sure, I-I-I...
Your thinking about my leg aren't you?
No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
It's okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is 'how much it bothers you?' because I don't like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time?
No. No. I don't think so.
Okay. It's just like anything else, you just have to get used to it.
What's that?
That's-that's my nubbin.
What's a nubbin?
It's kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.
You have three nipples?
Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... Ahh, what?
Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave.
You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?
Ah well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I'll see you later. Okay.
Oh, I thought you weren't coming. What? Where were you?
Come here, come here. Okay, don't get mad, okay.
Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay
I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.
No, no, I don't want to forget it.
Sorry, Pheebs.
Yeah. You okay?
Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life's gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song?
Yeah.
We'd love too.
Okay. 'Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so far.
Well hello!
Where have you been?
The doctor.
Is everything okay?
Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
Wow! It's like Rachel in High School.
What?!!
Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke!
That was an obvious joke, and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!
Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!!
Can I help you?
Uh-oh.
Uh, y'know what, we're having second thoughts about our copying needs. And we'll need a little more time to think about it.
Chloe, switch with me, there's some guys here that got a crush on you.
Okay, that hurt us.
Hi guys. I haven't seen you since this morning.
Well ah, ........y'know.
Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
Both of us?
Maybe. Does that scare ya?
Relax. It's just Issac's D.J.-ing at the Philly. You should come.
We'll be there.
Great. I'll ah, see ya then.
All right, rock on.
He's says, 'Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.'
Your eyes are very pretty.
Thank you, very much! Oh! Thank you!
He would like to kiss you.
Oh.
Oy!
See there it is right there.
Wow! It's small.
Yeah. But Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way across it.
So you had fun, huh?
Yeah. Except for, y'know when you're on a date and you're getting along really great but the guy's translator keeps getting in the way.
No.
Hey.
Hey.
What is ah, Rach in her room?
Oh no, she's still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her.
Oh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How can she do this? Doesn't she know it's our anniversary?
All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. Call Rachel.
What's that on the bottom?
Oh that's my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. She's fancy.
Hello.
Hey, honey.
Oh, hi.
Hey, what's going on?
Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I've got to get this order in. Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like I'm gonna be here all night.
What, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there?
No-no-no, no, honey please, I've got, I've just have so much to deal with.
Anyway, I'm going out with Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translator's date? So that when we, it's time for our alone time, you two could split off. Y'know, he's really, he's kinda cute.
Hey, don't call him that! His name is Spackel Back Harry!
Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there?
Uh, 10:30.
What time is it now?
4:30.
Yeah all right, so we'll hang out.
Yeah. Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us?
Yes. Vividly.
She was kidding about that right?
Yeah, I-I-I think so. Yeah, I-I think so...
God, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do?
Dude, I don't know.
She was kidding.
Yeah.
She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules.
Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know, because you don't want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don't want to be seeing.
Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there....
Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we... y'know each would, y'know be?
Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it.
Yeah, I guess, but what's like heads and what's tails?
Well it you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you.
Hey.
Hi. Look um, about what happened earlier...
No, hey, well, I-I completely understand. You were, you were stressed.
I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to me.
For what? For letting you throw me out of your office?
You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger!
Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what an ass am I.
But I told you, I didn't have the time!
Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel.
No, but it'd be nice if you realised, it's just a job!
Just a job!
Yes.
No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I'm happy for ya, but I'm tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don't know what to do anymore.
Well neither do I!
Is this about Mark?
Oh my God.
Okay, it's not, it's not.
Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you're, you're, you're making this too hard.
Oh I'm, I'm making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do.
I don't know, I don't know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break.
Okay, okay, fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yogart, or something..
No. A break from us.
And the advances in collating in the past five years, I mean we just got in an X-5000, y'know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a T-71.
Hey, it's the dinosaur guy. Hi, Ross.
Oh, hi Chloe.
And that's the only colour that comes in.
Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine?
Oh!
So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.
Yeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we're gonna break-up instead.
Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight.
Oh my God! No wonder I get such great service at Cafe Maurice.
Knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros Boutros Gali said in the New York Times.
You didn't say Boutros Boutros Gali.
Boutros Boutros Gali.
He says he was too.
Interesting.
So I was wondering....
Okay, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please tell Sergei that I really like his suit.
Eh, he said, thank you very much, he thinks you look very pretty tonight, your hair, golden like the sun. So you're a chef?
I'm also thinking about opening up my own restaurant.
Oh, really.
Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. What are you doing?
Well, I was having a conversation.
Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven't been able to say two words to each other.
What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a conversation?
That would be great. Thank you.
Hello!
Oh, hi. It's Mark.
Oh.
What? Is it my breath?
No! Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. Hi!
Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isn't tonight your, your big anniversary dinner?
Yeah. Well, umm.....
Rach, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You wanna talk, I mean I can come over?
No! Really, no, please, please, that's, that's okay.
All right, all right, I'm coming over, and I'm bringing Chinese food.
Oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not hungry.
It's for me.
Oh. Okay, bye.
So what are you gonna do?
What can I do? One person wants to break-up, you break-up.
Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out.
Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don't I have to wait a while?
Hey, this isn't like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!
Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth.
Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.
Why? What happened to him?
Nothing, he's just really believes in that.
Wow. I'm sorry. Eggroll?
No. And then I called him, and he wasn't there.
Well, then he's, he's probably just, out.
Oh, thank you that's very helpful, I'm glad you came over.
Hello.
Hi! It's me.
Hi! Oh, I'm so glad you called.
Really? I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't, don't you think we can work on this?
Hey, what do you want to drink?
Who's that?
Nobody.
Is it okay if I finish the apple juice?
Is that Mark?
Umm, honey, look he just came over to....
Yeah! Got it!
Ah, that's okay, thanks.
Hey, you don't have to smile. You just have to dance.
Look, I don't feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Okay?
Oh, okay. Hey, two beers.
And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog,. In seven languages.
Oh. Can I have a tissue?
Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don't accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it.
Sergei, would like to apologise for my behaviour tonight.
Well, tell him, apology accepted.
Excuse me, but umm, isn't he paying for your dinner?
Hey, the man's dog just died.
I have just resigned my post. Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room? I have diplomatic coupons.
It will be my pleasure. My guy has diplomatic coupons. Your guy can't even say coupons.
Uh, plate?
Plate! Yes, plate.
Plate. Plate. Plate.
See, we don't need them.
Plate?
Yeah.
Touchet, touchet, Miss Americccan pie. Ameri-ccan.
Ameri-can.
Ameri-ccan.
Ameri-can. Y'know it's a very hard language. Let's do it again.
Everybody!!
You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you've got a girlfriend?
Is this about Mark?
Oh my God.
Okay, it's not, it's not.
No. A break from us.
Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don't want to take a break.
Hey, what do you want to drink?
Who's that?
Nobody.
Is that Mark?
Umm, honey, look he just came over to....
Yeah! Got it!
Hey.
Hey.
How's the big anniversary dinner?
Well, we never actually got to dinner.
Ohhh, nice.
No, we kinda broke up instead.
What?!
God, Monica it's on the ceiling.
That's okay, this is more important than fruit on my ceiling! You broke up?!
Yeah, but it's okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.
Oh no!!
No.
Rachel, you and Mark?!
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?
Oh, there's banana on it.
Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.
So then you know?
The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.
Oh, good. Thanks.
Now what is Fabutec?
Waxine!!
Yes! Have you seen it?
Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.
I know!!
God. Do think it really doesn't hurt? 'Cause how can they do that?
Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!
They have the best stuff in there.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?
What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?
He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're just gonna hurt her.
Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left to rebuild.
Yeah, but don't you think....
Yeah, okay.
All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn't find out some other way. Did you think about the trail?
What trail?
The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! You always have to think about the trail!
Oh, I-I don't think there's any trail.
After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one,
Did that!
Okay. Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!
Was it not pain-free?
No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.
That's because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don't believe me, please, by my guest.
Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!
Now, are you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips?
Jasmine?
Uh-huh.
We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm Ross Geller.
You did a bad thing!
Yes, I did.
Very bad!
Very bad.
Very, very bad.
No.
Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?
All right.
Thank you, thank you.
But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too.
Who's your roommate?
They've been quiet for a long time.
Maybe she killed him?
Let's go.
Is that your new walk?
No, I really have to pee.
Wait. Really?! 'Cause mine get me out of tickets.
Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.
Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh, what do you think? Two days of darts, it'll be great!
It'll be great for next weekend.
No, no, no, this weekend guys!
It'll be great for next weekend. I mean, it'll be grrreat.
What's going on?
Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel's sister's cabin.
So, for the whole weekend?
We're really sorry, but um, she did ask us first.
Noo! I'll stay. He's my brother.
What a pity stay?
No! We're gonna have fun. We can make fudge!
Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.
Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross?
Why? Do you think he's still mad at us?
Well he's probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles.
What? Mine aren't tinted.
Chandler!!
What?
What does the sign say?
Beam me up Jesus.
No, the 'No Smoking' sign. There's no smoking in my Grandmother's cab.
Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh!
Please!
No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas.
Oh, now I have to go!!
Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves.
What?
Okay.
Ow!
Aren't you gonna go?
No. Thank you.
No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
No, y'know what don't close it 'cause the... keys...are in there.
Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!
What's going on?
My lighter's in there!
Hi!
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Ah yeah, but now it's Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home.
Where's Ben?
He's sleeping.
Ahh. Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time?
Umm, yeah, actually, Susan's gonna be home any minute, it's kinda an anniversary.
Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January?
It's not that kind of anniversary.
Ah! Oh.
Sooo!! Anyway...
Oh God, Ross I am so sorry.
Yeah, well.
Oh yeah, I'd love that.
Oh, great! Me too.
I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job.
Okay, yeah. Triple A can pick us up.
Great!
Yeah, what town are we near?
Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg?
Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route we're on?
Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.
Okay. We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. There is no Route 27. Okay, either 93 or 76?
I don't know, I'm sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here.
Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us.
But if...
So the going for help went well?
Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed.
I have the lung capacity of a two year old.
Then why are you smoking?
Well it's very unsettling.
Ah, Susan will be so pleased.
717? Where's 717? Hey, you've have more of these for Susan right?
No. But it's okay, I'll just put out pickles or something.
Ross, thank God.
Pheebs? What, why are you whispering?
I ate a bug.
Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Let's stock up.
Oh, now you want a favour?
Yes, please.
Well, oh, I'm sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I'm a little too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call to let me know you got home safely okay?
Phoebe, hang on a second. Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.
No, I'm not gonna pick them up.
No, Rachel doesn't want me to....
Yeah, you're right.
Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something. What? You slept with someone else?!
We were on a break!!! Okay!! We were, we were..., yeah. Where are you? I'll find you.
You slept with another woman?
Oh, you-you're-you're one to talk.
Ugh. Ross!
Hi! Sorry I'm late. Were you sleeping?
Ahh, nooo!!
You're a genius, Ross.
Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110?
Okay, I'll pay you tomorrow.
Okay.
Okay, bye!!
So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them go, y'know?
Yeah, okay, bye.
So I'm gonna take off then!
What's so funny?
Oh, nothing, no. It's an acting exercise, I'm practising my fake laugh.
Oh.
What-what's so funny?
Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there's none of that in here.
Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.
Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
Okay.
Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit.
No-no, why don't you hang on to that one.
Okay, that's like the least fun game ever.
Well, I'm really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit.
Oh. Nope, that patch is no good.
Come on, it's a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since.
Pffhah.
What's your problem?
Nothing, it's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.
Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.
Or what my Father called Thursday night.
Pete, can I get you something else?
Haven't you and I covered that topic?
Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you....
Well, if that were true, I'd dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. Come on, you think she should go out with me, don't you?
I mean really, think about it.
Ho-ho, I will.
Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?
Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
Well, have-have you told him how you feel?
Yes. Not out loud.
No-no-no-no-no.
Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?!
No.
Okay, I'm gonna go get Frank.
What the hell is this?
Umm, I'm still here.
What?!
Okay, umm, you're a loon.
I don't know.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Hi!
Hi! All right, let's go shoppin'!!
Um, y'know, before we go ah, there's something I need to say.
Oh, okay.
Wow! Umm....
I dropped a cup.
...so y'know, that's why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, 'Wash my car.' 'Clean my room.' It's not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it'll understand what you're saying.
Oh, this is so great.
Yeah, it was.
All right then. Bye.
Hello, people who do not live here.
Hi! Hello!
I gave you a key for emergencies!
We were out of Doritos.
Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?
Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.
He's great! I mean we have such a good time together! He's so funny, and sooo sweet, and I'm not attracted to him at all!!
Still?!
Noo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean every other way he's like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.
Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?
Two.
Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?
I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Oh.
Joe. How's it going?
Good. Hey.
Hi.
Oh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh?
Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I'm Joey Tribianni.
Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
So the ah, play's pretty great, huh?
Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray's work. She's so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class.
Oh, forget about it. She rocks!
Where do I know you from?
Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.
No, that's not it. So, you're a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?
Hey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious actor.
See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn't. Now, see, that's acting.
Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.
Yeah, that was real.
Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out.
I know.
What, so what are you gonna tell him?
Well, I told him I would think about it, but I'm gonna tell him no.
Huh.
I mean I think I'd say no to anybody right now. Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I'm standing there with this charming, cute guy, who's asking me to go out with him, which I'm allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I'd be cheating on Ross or something.
Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you're not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.
I don't have any issues with my Father.
Okay, so it's probably just the Ross thing then.
I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I can't do it, they're all like-like laughing at me.
Hello.
Hey!
So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.
Wow, what-what do you think she wants?
Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me.... a-sucks.
It's possible. You are very loveable, I'd miss you if I broke up with you. I was just trying to be supportive.
Then be supportive like a guy.
If I broke up with you, I'd miss you.
So, you're like a zillionaire?
And you're our age. You're our age.
Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.
What like Pete Dakota?
Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.
Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.
That's not a state Joe.
Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?
I got to go, so ah, I'll see you guys later.
Okay.
You're our age!
So ah, we on for tomorrow?
Yeah, kinda.
Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?
Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and nothin'. You look at me, and it's nothin'. Nothing.
Tasty! I'm really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it's-it's nice.
I have a question about this scene.
Yes?
Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
Peel the onion. First of all, he's good looking.
Yeah.
I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.
Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it's says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
It doesn't say that in the script.
It does in mine!
Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can't just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You're gonna get peep eye!
I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she'd say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!
You didn't just break up.
Hey, it's been like three weeks!
You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!
Okay.
She's going in. Wait! He's going in! He's going in!! The door's closed! I, I can't see anything but the door closed!!
And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it!
Stop what?!
No!! You can't!!
Look, they must be stopped!
I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! You are surprisingly strong!
I need juice! People need juice!!
Look man!
People need juice!
Listen to me!!
Juice, I need...
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
It's just I miss her so much.
I know.
Why do all you're coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?
Oh. That's so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, 'Where's number 27?!'
Y'know what?
No. And I don't think I'm gonna want to.
I can't do this.
Yep. Yep, that's what I didn't want to know.
Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
Oh God. I'm sorry about this.
That's okay.
You sure?
Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Sure.
Where are we?
Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I'm gonna say, midget rodeo.
Just tell me the truth.
Oh, yeah. Wasn't that like a year ago?
Oh, yeah. I know that.
I so wanna be attracted to you.
But you're not. Okay, good.
I'm sorry.
Y'know what, don't be. This is not, don't be, 'cause it's not so bad.
It's not?
I know I'm no John Bon Jovi, or someone who find attractive, I'm just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling differently.
Well, um, look I-I don't want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn't attracted too.
Yeah, stupidly charming isn't' it? Well listen let's, you wanna get something to eat? 'Cause this place is kinda depressing.
And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker.
One second.
I don't think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. Draw!!
I wasn't doing anything. Uh-oh, what did she do now?
Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, 'Oh, I'm so talented.' and 'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and 'Ooh, I smell so good.'
I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know?
I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
Oh. Ohh. Ohh, you're out of your mind.
Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!
Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?
Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and it's nothin'. You look at me, and nothin'. Nothing.
You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we're gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
Well, that was ah...
Better?
Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G'night.
Ah, Kate?
Yeah?
You ah, you forgot your shoes.
I'm probably gonna need those. Huh?
Hey, listen you ah....
Hmm?
...feel like getting a cup of coffee?
Umm.
Kate?
Yep.
You ready to go?
Yeah.
Very nice. Very nice.
Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.
Hey! Why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know like Goldman, Silverman...
'Cause it's-it's not his last name.
It isn't?
No, it's not like, like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no Gold Man.
Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man!
Hey!
Hey, Rach, how was work?
Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasn't a chair.
By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff.
Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I'm just gonna throw it out, it's probably just a bunch of shampoo and...
Something wrong?
No. Nothing.
So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?
Okay well, he would turn things to gold.
What about things that are already gold?
Ahh, his work is done.
Okay, let's play my game now.
Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!!
Here you go. You can wear this.
Thanks!
Uh-huh.
Okay. Ooh, I'm setting the phone down. But I'm still here! Just don't go anywhere I'm still here. Don't-don't switch or anything, 'cause I'm, I'm right here. Just one sec. One sec! One second!! Wait! One second! Just...
Phoebe?
What?! Monica, I'm scared!!
All right. Honey, that's-that's a sleeve. Okay?
Yeah.
And! We also have speaker phone.
Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.
Okay, wait, you gotta hang up 'cause we're gonna be late.
Thank you for your patience, you're the next caller.
Yes!! Yes!! I'm the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
Of course not.
No.
Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
Hey!
Hey!
Oh, is the play over?
Yeah. Where were you?
Thank you for your patience, you're the next caller.
You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.
Nah. I kept myself busy.
Oh, okay, yeah. I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.
Hey! Are you okay?
Fabulous.
Listen, drama critics they're nothing but, but people who couldn't make it as actors. You know what you should do?
Become a drama critic!
I am hurt! A plague on both your houses!
By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
Oh, classy.
Yep! I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this!
Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.
Really. What?
Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We'll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.
Why the Post?
Oh, you didn't see the Post?
No. You?
No. Why?
So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?
Oh, absolutely! You're talented and you're good looking.
Oh, you're sweet and cute.
I know! That's why they trashed me!
Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What?
What? So you never went out with an actress before?
Kate, do you even like me?
Of course I do.
Thanks.
You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you're just so, you're so, so...
Please stay on the line. You're call is very important to us.
Pheebs, you've been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn't healthy.
No, no, I'm fine, and y'know why? 'Cause of all the riboflavin.
Hey!
Hey! Didn't you have that outfit on last night?
Yeah! I stayed at Kate's, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?
Anyway, how did it go with Kate?
Joey, you had the night!
What?
When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!
You-you think?
Did you like learn about her family?
Two brothers, one died!
Yes!!
Yeah?!
Oh!
Sorry! Sorry, I'm late; sorry, I'm late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly.
Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let's go! Let's go!
Vic! Where have you been, baby?!
Where's Kate?
She got a job in L.A.
What?!
I've been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? Where have you been? Vic?!
Oh, ahh, go to the window. I'm wanna run down to the truck and show you something.
What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp?
When is she leaving?
Tonight. What are you doing?
I'm coming up!
Hey, mind if I use the phone?
Oh, I...
Why don't you use ours across the hall, 'cause she...has...problems.
Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
Yeah, but you didn't.
No, but it's-it's-it's hot!
Ross, would you just stop it! It's getting really old.
I can't believe no one believes me!
I do, I believe you.
You do Pheebs?
Yeah. But I also believed her when she said I was next.
Step away from the duck.
Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! Well, I guess we're not going out anymore. Whaa!!!
Joey!
Hey!
I'm soo glad I caught you, I couldn't find you before.
Wh-wh-what's going on? Wh-what's this about L.A.?
They still want me for General Hospital.
But, but wh-what about us?
Last night was wonderful. But I-I can't stay here just for you.
Well, so, stay for the museums!
I'm sorry.
Joey, onstage!
Where are you Vic?
Flight's in an hour. I-I gotta go.
Vic! Vic! Vic!!!
In a minute!!
So this is it? Victor?
So long, Vic!
Phoebe, it's been two days.
Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it's one of those 801 numbers. Right?
Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.
Phoe-be!!
Sorry, I'm so sorry, I will pay you back.
And yet, she's still not hanging up the phone.
Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!
Fine! Fine! Oh-oh!
What?
Well, I think I broke it. But that's all right, here's the number you can call.
Oh.
Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.
Or... Dick.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.
Was it like a sneeze only better?
No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.
What was it?
Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out.
Whoa!!!
No!!
Come on you guys, it's no big deal!
Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! Huh.
Well what is it? Is it a mole?
No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?
No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a...
Hey guys! What's...
Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.
Ahhh.
Yeah, right.
...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life.
That is so great! Oh, I... Oh my God!
Whoa!
Oh my God!!!
Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department!
No! No!
No, no?
W-w-w-wait! Why?!
Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay?
Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!
Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. What are you doing?
Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.
Well that's not a third nipple.
No?
First of all, it's on your ass.
Well then, what is it?!
Wait a minute, hold it. Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
I'm with Hamilton!
He's good with rear things, bring him in too.
I gotta go water Pete's plants. Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean.
Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.
Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them?
Uh.
Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?
Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.
So Pheebs, pick one of them.
Yeah. Which one do you like more?
Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.
Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.
Well sensitive is important, pick him.
Yeah.
Oh sure, go with the sissy.
Jason is not a sissy!
Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.
Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing.
Well if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's crazy.
Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can't just rush into this.
Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!
All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.
Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh?
Good luck!
OH MY GOD!!! Sorry, I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet.
Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?
Oh sure. Vince?!
Yo!!
Wow! I didn't know you guys actually used those.
So, what's up?
Umm, wow. This-this isn't gonna be easy. Umm, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Uh-huh. G-good deal.
I'm sorry.
Oh my God, I didn't...
Wait-wait-wait! Wait!!
I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.
Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory.
Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it.
Gimme this.
Hi! Okay, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't resist.
Brides magazines?
Yes, and I know that you'd say no if he asked you, but I'm sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin.
Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. Like for clubbing.
Oh my God.
I know. I need more pie.
Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?
You didn't break up with that fireman?
No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.
Wow!
Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.
So then, are you going to dump Jason?
Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and... Okay so Jason is sensitive, but now so's Vince Plus, Vince has the body y'know? So... It's really just about the math.
You must be Ross.
Hi.
I am Guru Saj.
Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I've attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let's take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. Come on, have a seat. Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it's a koondis!
What's a koondis?
I don't know, what's a koondis with you? Please, lie down! I've got a sav that oughta shrink that right up.
I guess it's worth a try.
Oh sure, we should see results-Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!!
What?! What?!
We appear to have angered it.
We?! We angered it?!
Oh, I think I see the problem. And I'm afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger tool. Love.
Oh God!
Ow!!
Oops.
What was, what was that?
Well it's gone.
What?! How's that?
It got caught on my watch.
Hey!
Lights. Uh, romantic lights.
Ooh, nice.
So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.
Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life...
Yeah?
And I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.
Wow.
There's one thing missing.
What's that?
It's time for me to conquer the physical world.
Okay.
Monica, I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
You wanna what?!
I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states!
What are you talking about?
And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.
Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?
My parents will be so happy.
Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under--wear... Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show.
Hey. I was...
Hey!
Whoa! Hey-hey! What's going on here? Who is this guy?
I don't know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!
What?!
What?!
Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it's okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive.
Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.
Really?!
Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven't been going out that long. Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Huh.
You haven't?
You have?
Well, this is none of my business.
I-I can't believe this! You-you've slept with him?!
Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.
Y'know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
Well, that could've been really awkward.
You made him a candle light dinner in the park?
Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm gonna do that for you.
So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?
No-no-no oh, keep your name, don't take his name.
He didn't ask me to marry him.
Ohh.
Well then definately don't take his name.
Pete?!
Why?! What is it?
I don't know exactly. It's-it's sorta like wrestling.
Oh?!
Yeah, but without the costumes.
Oh.
And it's not fake, it's totally brutal.
What's fish hooking?
You! Chuckles! What's your name?
Hi!
Monica! Hi honey.
All right, on the table.
Promise me you'll be careful.
I promise.
Hey, are we still on for tonight?
Yeah.
How 'bout just a boom?
Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie.
Hi!
Oh, that must be it.
Thanks! You too.
You said she was bald.
Oh no, Bonnie's the best!
So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!
All right, I was 15, it was my best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then suddenly, I don't know, we were, we were making out.
Tell it again. Seriously.
I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was talking about geography.
Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Well, I think we all learned something.
Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! That's my Mom's writing! Look.
Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.
Y'know what that means?
That you're actually 50?
Oh!
That is so cool.
I know! So this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and she lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the beach?
Yeah! Yeah, we can!
Shoot! I can't go, I have to work!
That's too bad.
Ohh, big, fat bummerrr.
So great! Okay! Tomorrow we're gonna drive out to Montauk.
Hey, Bonnie had sex there!
Go, go, go!
Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat!
Oy!!
What's with all this sand?
Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage.
Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat.
Well, yes, it's kind've an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there.
Knock, knock, knock.
Ah, oh, hang on a second. Come in, come in. All right, so think about it, and call me back.
Are you ah, Phoebe Abott?
Ahh, yes.
Hi Phoebe Abott, I'm your best friends daughter!
You're Erwin's daughter?!
No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. Lily, from high school. Remember?
Phoebe. Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after you I guess.
Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There's Frank.
Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That's my Dad, that's Frank! Yeah! I'm sorry I'm getting all flingy.
Take it easy--if you want, there's cookies on the counter, or, or--sangria! I can make sangria!
No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.
Oh.
Oh no, I-I'm sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after high school.
Oh, okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything.
Ohh, well. Y'know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us.
Oh, what? What was it?
Yeah, no, it was great.
So, you still don't think I'm boyfriend material?
Huh?
I saw you checking me out during the game last night.
You didn't even take off your pants.
Yeah, well, lucky for you.
What?
I don't know.
Shhh! Shhhh! Joey's asleep.
Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn't up yet. Did you guys hear them last night?
Oh, yeah, I don't know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house.
Good morning.
Hey.
Hey! How did everybody sleep?
Oh, great.
Like a log.
Us too.
I'm going for a walk.
Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.
Hey, what happened to you?
Oh, ah nothin'. I just felt like hangin' out here and reading.
Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came off.
Ohhhh, sorry I missed that.
Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny.
Ohh-ha-ha!
I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave my head.
Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were bald.
Really?!
Ohh!
Because I think about shaving it all off again sometime.
Really?!
Yeah!
I mean you definitely should do that.
Y'know what, I should do it.
Yeah!
Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool.
All right.
What's the matter, Pheebs?
What?!
Aww Pheebs, that sucks!
Where ya going?
Well, are any of those people here?!
Oh, no!! No, no!
Hey, everybody!
Wow!!
Wh-haa-haa! Look what 'cha did!
You wanna touch it?
Nooo, but it, but it's great.
Come on, touch it!
Then don't break in!!
I'm sorry.
What are you doing here?!
What?!
My Father is Chuck Magioni?
Oh.
Heh?
Y'know I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just, I kinda felt all floopy, and...
I'm telling ya, you guys are totally getting back together!
That's not true! Her, she doesn't even know what she wants! Rachel's still mad about the whole thing.
Okay, then you gotta back away, all right? You don't need that kind've hurt. Take it from a guy who's never had a long term relationship......
I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up there and finish that kiss!
Hey!
Ahhhh!
You guys, the water's great. You should really go in.
Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had an M&M.
Okay, well g'night.
Good night.
Don't be too long.
Okey-dokey!
So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, you're doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.
Yeah.
Right, and you go with Rachel, Bonnie's free tonight?
Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there.
Oh no-no-no, I'm, I'm paddling away!
Huh?!
Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!
Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped!
Could we be more white trash?
How desperate am I?
Oh! Good thing Chandler's not here, he always wins at this game.
I just told my Mom I'd cater a party for her.
How come?
Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don't think Mom would've hired you if she didn't think you were good at what you do.
You don't have to stick up for her. She can't here you.
Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice?
Just pickle.
Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.
My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must've been awkward.
Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.
No. No!
Hello, Rachel.
Well, not at first.
What is she doing here?
I don't understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a 'big, dull dud.'
Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level.
Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now!
Oh, come on! It's not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I'm pretty much just in there by myself.
Chandler!! Promise me, you will end it.
Okay, I promise, I'll end it.
Thank you.
I hope you know what I'm giving up for ya, because she's not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.
Yeah-eh-eah! Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant.
How's the hired help?
Doing great, the quiches are coming along.
What's this? Blue nail polish?
Yeah, I thought it was cute.
Ahh, that's what your Grandmother's hands looked like when we found her.
Let me ask you a question.
Hmm.
Why did you hire me?
Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I'm good.
Okay, I didn't hear that.
Oh yeah, she didn't hire me out of pity, it wasn't so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I'm good.
Wow! And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian!
Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?
Uhhhh.
Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?
No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.
Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you're not really sure what they're talking about?
...I'm telling you it's totally unconstituional.
Oh yeah, I totally agree.
...I think he deserves a Nobel Prize.
Nooo!!
...it was like the Algonquin kids table.
Excuse me, I'm sorry, you haven't said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?
Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.
So, here's somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?
He cut off his ear.
And?
I'm out.
He painted that.
Wow! That's pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear 'cause he sucked. What else you got in there?
Let's see, ahhh... Where does the Pope live?
Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?
Spock's birth control.
You need these books.
Hey!
Hi.
This used to be your room? Wow! You must've been in really good shape as a kid.
Ohh, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I actually thought she could change.
Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica.
Oh good, I'm glad that's catching on.
No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we'll call that pulling a Monica.
What?
All right, I'll go down there. But, I'm not gonna serve the lasagna. I'm gonna serve something I make.
Wow! My breasts are really strong.
Hey, look, you're in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she's gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
What if I clean your bathroom for a month?
It still wouldn't be clean. All I want is my freedom.
Foot rubs for a month!
Freedom!
Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won't you here me?! Sophie, help me! Help me!!
Sophie sit!!
No! God, would you just calm down!
I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just...
Wow! There's a lot I didn't know about vomit. In a minute.
So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!
Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I'm home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there's a few things you don't get from book learnin'.
Well ah, what can you swing?
How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?
You don't have, anything?
You wanna see what I got? Okay? I've got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!
Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time.
And a 50. Huh, these must be Chandler's pants.
For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C?
Oh, I-I think I'm gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.
I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
No!
I ah... Oh! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!
With extra pulp?
Yeah!!
No!
D'oh!! I've got it!
You don't have it.
How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous or very stingy.
Go on.
I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
And Milton Berle has a...
Ohh, not compared to you.
Well?
They're not even touching the lasagna!
Really?!
Oh, they love your casserole.
Yes!!
Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.
And you?
I thought it was... quite tasty.
So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you...
A bitch?
Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.
Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today.
Wow!
Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. She doesn't know we switched it.
And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer.
That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don't bite your nails.
Hello.
Hey!
Hello, Chandler.
I love you.
Wh-what's going on?
Oh.
No he doesn't!
Two hours, that lasted!
So did you break up with Joanna?
I think so.
Well, it's good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.
The volcano?
Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.
What?!
Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant.
Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?
Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?
Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country.
With such a sad history.
Could there be more Kims?
Who's out there?
It's me! Good morning!
Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please?
Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn't have poppy seed bagels, so I... Oh my word!
I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me.
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
You tell your friend Chandler that we're definately broken up this time.
Okay.
Hey! New wallet, huh?
Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say 'cool' anymore.
Rachel!
What?
Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
Have you ever taken out the trash?
Well, I thought you liked doing it.
Third door on the left.
Right!
Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Ummm. Oh! I'm sorry. It's a little old but...
No! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
I'm sorry. I didn't-I don't come in here a lot.
Oh yeah, of course you don't!
No.
I didn't... I never said that.
Okay, I'm sorry.
God! If you're gonna cry about it!
Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
All right that's it, school is in session!
My God! Is this a gym card?
Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.
So why don't you quit?
Who is Maria?
Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra spandex covered gym...treat.
You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?
No!
So you're strong enough to face her on your own?
Oh no, you'll have to come.
Tribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger.
And tell him what?
Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968!
I have actually not heard of that.
Why don't you tell me something I don't know!
Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.
Yes. Yes!
One more time, Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?
No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
Good! That's good!
Okay. I wanna quit the gym.
You wanna quit?
I wanna quit the gym.
You do realize that you won't have access to our new full service Swedish spa.
I wanna quit the gym.
Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. Uh, excuse me, are you a member?
Me? No.
Sorry, members only.
I wanna quit the gym.
It's okay man, be strong.
So, are you a member of any gym.
No! And I'm not gonna be, so you can save you little speech.
Okay, no problem. Could you come here for a second?
Hi, I'm Maria.
Wow, you have really pretty feet.
These old things.
You mean the-Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion.
Yeah.
Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
Oh.
Ow! Did you just bite me?
No!
What?
You want me to kick you guys out instead?
You have pets!
Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around.
Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want.
Really? You'll do anything?
Yeah-yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, I've got something you can do.
What, what is it?
Can you be my dancing partner?
That's not, prison lingo, is it?
All right, I'm here, let's ahh, get this over with.
Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead.
Whoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk?
Ahhhh! I'm sorry!
No, it's okay, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.
Ahh, forget it! I'll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.
Come on man, you're not a potato.
I'm sure as hell a dancer, it's no use Marge will never go for me.
Yeah!
Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time.
What was that?
What?
You just did a little dancy thing.
No I didn't.
You are soo enjoying this.
No, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pademarie.
You know the words! You are so into this!
Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes.
All right.
I don't know how to lead.
Hello.
Hi.
We'd like to close our accounts.
No-no.
No, we'd just like to close them.
Hi, I'm Karen.
I wanna quit the bank!
Yeah! In... really long hour world.
What?
Really?!
Yeah, really.
What?
Okay, quit down.
Yes, I will tell her.
Hi!
Hi.
Oh my God! That's why I got up too!
You're kidding! Oh, I love him.
Oh please!
So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.
That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him.
Oh-oh-oh-oh!
Is it on?
No, but this wonder broom is amazing!
Hey!
Oh my God!
Oh! It's on! It's on!
There we go little fella.
What about the duck?
Well the duck can swim.
Oh, jeez.
My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey.
Way to go, Phoebe!
That cold makes you sound so great.
It's fun, God I love how sexy I am.
Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters.
Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys.
Well, have fun!
Okay.
Y'know what, I like Kathy.
Yeah, she's...
You love her.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy.
Come on, Pheebs lay off him.
Thank you, Ross.
All right.
Ohh!
All right.
Hi!
Hi!
Hi Ben!
Wow! You-you look great!
Thanks!
Okay! Hey Tommy.
I am so glad that you could come over tonight.
Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure.
What?
I-I-I...
Who wants to make some long distance calls?
Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Fetch! Fetch it! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy.
Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here?
Oh, I just wanted to say, Hey!
Hey!
Okay.
Her date tipped me ten dollars.
Pheebs, what are you doing?
Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common.
Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia.
Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.
What?!
Are you serious?
Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her!
Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold.
You mean you stole it! Don't cover your mouth when you do that!
Hey.
We were just talking about you.
Really?!
Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet.
Right in there!
99...100! Ready or not, here I come! All right, let's go over the concept one more time.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey guys. Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight?
Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate.
It's 4:30.
Okay, I see what's going on here.
You-you do?
Yeah! You don't like Kathy.
You got me.
Yeah. Right.
Good, and hey! My treat. But that's only because you're not eating anything, right?
Okay.
Ross isn't here.
Oh. Stop it!
So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!!
Yeah! I am soo gonna marry that guy. Ohhh!
What?
I think he's stealing from me.
Why?
Because he's stealing from me!
Hi! It's me. And soup. Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket.
Ughh!
Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water.
Thank you so much Phoebe.
Sure.
What are you doing with those?!
But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice.
Sorry, Phoebe.
It's okay. How's the soup?
Umm.
Ohhhh!! Gross!!
Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear!
Is she great or what?
So? Huh? What do you think?
Ohh, she's-she's not really my type.
Not your type?! She's gorgeous!
Uhh, no-no thanks.
Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too.
Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer.
I'll be right back. What was that?
What?
Hey, look, what do you want from me?
I am pretending.
Well then, do it better!
Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little.
No, sorry.
Well where's Amanda?
Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops?
Ross, cough drops, please?
At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies.
You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job!
Ohh, that is soo sad.
And what are you laughing at, Miss `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!'
That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops!
Fine.
Sorry.
Here. At least I made ten bucks in my relationship.
Y'know...
And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies.
Rachel?
Yeah.
No!
Okay.
So umm, are we cool?
Okay.
I knew you'd understand.
Y'know if we ever go to war and you're captured, you're in for a big surprise.
Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe?
Yeah! Oh my God!
Here you go.
Great! All right, so I'll call you later.
Great!
Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that?
That would be Casey. We're going out tonight.
What?
Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself!
Wait! You're going out with Kathy!
Yeah. Why are you getting so upset?
What is the big deal? It's not like we're exclusive.
You got all that from the back of her head?
Who's Elaine?
No-no-no-no, this is bad! It's bad! This is bad!
Horrible!
Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?
No-no-no, the kiss was good.
Okay!
No, but that's bad!
What?!
Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we're unhappy forever. Sound good?
Can you really do that?
I have to; he's my best friend, and you're seeing him.
Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you...
Oh-no-no-no! Don't! Don't! See-see, you're getting me confused, I'm starting to urn.
I'm sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try.
I-I think we have too.
Okay. Bye.
Bye. Are you still out there?
No.
Electrifying. Emphatic time-time-time...
Y'know, there's a Starbucks about three blocks down.
It's so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go!
Thank you guys-guys-guys...
Hey, aren't you up next?
Oh no, I'm not playing tonight.
Why not?
Phoebe, Ross sucks!
Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him.
Oh my God, he's not even appreciated in his own time. I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time!
Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too.
Yeah, Phoebe you're... awful!
You guys. You suck too.
Aww man! I can't believe I locked myself out again!
Hang on buddy!
Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this?
I sure did.
Why?
Well, you're amazing.
Oh no-no-no. This is amazing.
Well, y'know I'm 29. I mean who needs a savings account.
Oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had.
Oh, I don't know.
You mean with Casey.
Or Casey.
No-no, Kathy.
Could be Casey.
No. No, Kathy.
Consider Casey.
That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!
Hey!
Hey! You were really great! You were really, really great!
Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah.
Pheebs...
See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. Y'know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I... I won't play anymore.
Oh no. No-no-no, don't do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music.
Yeah, okay.
Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture. Very nice.
Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever!
I kissed Kathy.
What?
Are you serious?
Does Joey know?
You obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends. Which we all appreciate.
Oh, don't say that! Don't say that. That's not true. Is it?
I think maybe, yeah.
He loves you.
Then why didn't you tell me to do that?!!
Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe.
I know, I remember that!
I remember you did.
God!! What am I gonna do?!
Well, Chandler, you're gonna have to tell him.
Why?! Why do I have to tell him?!
Because you do.
Yeah, I know.
Oh my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost it.
What?
Thank you, thanks. Yeah, I lost it. Y'know, I'm not gonna play anymore, would you, can you finish my set?
After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help.
Yeah, like I could lose it.
What?
I played bad on purpose guys.
Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time.
Yeah-no, just that last song.
Hello.
Hello.
Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I'm...
Stop callin'!!
Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge.
All right!
What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything...
Hey!
Hey!
What are you doing?
I'm sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.
Everything? Even the TV?
No! I'm putting that in my room.
Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don't you think you could at least hear the guy out?
Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?
That's a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?
Five years.
You've sentenced him?!
Hey! Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
Joey, the guy's your best friend.
No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don't know why you're pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open.
Oh, who? Me?
Yeah!
Wow! I'm honored! And y'know what I'm gonna do as my first act as your best friend?
What?
I'm gonna get you to talk to Chandler.
All right. But if you weren't my best friend.
Oh my God, is it really that bad?
I walk into a room and he won't even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.
Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there.
Oh.
Hey Joe.
I'll be right with you. Okay? Thanks, Wendy.
Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor?
Ooh, so cute, that I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
Dr. Burke will see you know.
Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now.
Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.
Ready?
Hey! I'm sorry! That- where are you going?
My folks.
Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?
I don't know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment.
What?!
Yeah, y'know at first I thought we could talk about this y'know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don't think I...
Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I'll stop seeing her?
Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!
Yeah! You did! And that's why I'm leaving.
What?
All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. What?
We've got a box.
Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen.
I was probably waiting for it to open.
I gotta tell you, you look great now.
You look great too.
You're an excellent patient!
So how does it look?
Like a pirate?!
If that helps you.
Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? Come on, one of us had to mention him.
I moved back here a couple of months ago.
Oh. Big family dinner tonight?
Uh.
No way!
I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's.
Oh.
But we broke up.
Oh.
She-she wasn't ready for a serious commitment.
You're not wearing the patch yet.
I know.
Oh, he sees her!
Oh, he's catching up to her!
Oh, she sees him! Oh, they're hugging!
He's taking her purse!
Uhh, that's not them. I'm gonna go call the police.
Oh, there they are!
All right, get a room.
Okay!
Come on, no peeking!
Okayyyyy, open up!
What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van!
Yeah, it's for our catering business!
I think I know that girl.
All right, umm, we're not gonna really keep it this way though.
No?
Oh!
And also, we don't know what to do with this.
Oh yeah, I definitely know her.
Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There's an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss...
Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me.
Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and...
Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can't stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons.
Really? Well, in that case...
And that's I'm so glad... there's no problem.
That's fine, actually I'm on the hiring committee, so there'll be at least one friendly face.
Ohh! That's great!
You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job.
Really?!
Well, I, umm...
Kidding! God, I feel wild today!
Oh man! I am so excited-I may vomit!
Will you calm down, he's just a human guy.
Really?!
Oh yeah, it's beautiful country up there.
Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit!
It's not gonna be exactly like last time.
All right, I'll see you guys.
Whoa-whoa-whoa!
Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
Somewhere maybe along the equator?
Okay.
Hello. It's Gandolf!!! So, are you in town? Oh, well, well maybe next time then.
What happened?
He's not gonna make it, he's stuck in Chicago.
Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky!
Stupid, useless Canadian money!
You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system.
Thank you.
Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets.
Well, they uh, they-they do more than that.
I notice that you've been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities.
Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me.
Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It's amazing how she gets it right almost every time!
I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that.
Oh yes, well there's the coffee too. Rachel can carry two things at once!
Yes, I realize that...
And Rachel shouldn't have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean.
I love working with designers!
With them, under them, what's the difference? Eh, Rach?
Hey! My first review is out!
Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm.
All right, look at my on the back page.
Oh, okay! Would I go back to Allesandro's? Sure, but I'd have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head. Wow! You really laid into this place.
Hey, they don't pay me a penny a word to make friends.
Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering.
Oh! Do you need me to go with you?
No-no, it's okay. But are we sure we don't want the waterbed?
Haven't we made this decision?
Yeah, all right.
Bye!
Bye!
Who is it?
It's Allesandro, from Allesandro's.
Oh my God.
I want to talk to you about your review.
Why? So you could hang up on me?
Just give me a chance too...
No! Phoebe!
Hey, Monica!
Hey! I'm proud of that sauce, it's delicious.
Lebanon.
It's Gandolf, and he's not coming.
No! I balanced my checkbook.
I can't believe he didn't come!
Well, we could do that!
There's other stuff too.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!!
Yeah!!
Yeah! All right? Let's go!
Yeah!!!
All right!!
Yeah.
Well, those were seals, man.
Yeah, all right.
Okay.
So, we're having fun, right?
Yeah.
I'm kinda beat.
Actually, me too.
Are you serious?!
Yeah.
Thank God! I'm exhausted!
So you guys want coffees?
Yeah, me too.
How sad are we?
Yeah, I know.
Yeah!
Yeah!
We're 29, we're not women.
Okay, I'm hearing.
What?!
Or! A bakery delivery person.
I wa-I wa-I wa...
Pizza?!
Monica!
No.
No.
Really?! Are you sure?
Really?!
Thank you.
Oh my goodness! You haven't heard!
Heard what?
Joanna passed away last night.
Oh my God! How?!
I know!
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh God.
No, I'm sorry. I have to go.
Good morning!
I sure did!
Oh I know!!
Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?
Uhh, yeah.
See the thing is umm, we're not able to y'know, uh, conceive.
And we've tried everything, we've seen a bunch of doctors.
That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat.
It's open! Come in!
Hi!
Hi!
I'm sorry, I'm late.
Oh, that's okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.
Wow! You really go all out when you're expecting company.
No, I was working on my pottery.
Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn't know that you did...pot.
Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.
Ooh, erotiery!
Okay.
I really don't think it's a very good idea, Phoebe.
Why not?
Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don't-don't hurt the puppy.
No-no-no, the-the puppy's yours.
Oh, I get a puppy!!
Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.
Why?
Okay.
All right, I'm sorry.
Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I'm-I'm saving this for my friend Ross.
You mean Dr. Geller?
Doctor? Wow! I didn't know he had a nickname.
Well, how-how come?
That's just the way it is.
That's crazy.
That's okay, I'm cool over here. I'll catch up with you later, Joey.
Op, this is saved. Gift shop.
Whatever.
I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.
Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here.
Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I'm having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he'll sit with me.
I will sit with you Dr. Geller.
I'm Joey! I'm an actor! I don't know squat about dinosaurs!
I'm Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
All right, there you go!
Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!
I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear.
Okay, good-good for you.
I'm Rhonda, and these aren't real!
Wow, Rhonda.
I'm Scott.
Yeah, okay, Scott!
Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?
It depends on who asked.
What if I asked?
Oh, Mon, sure.
Really?
Yes. You're not asking are you?
No.
Yes! Totally!
Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you!
What the hell is that?!! What the hell is that? Is that you? Ohhhhhhh!
Boy, you are really not a morning person.
What is that noise?
You!
It's the chick! She's...going through some changes.
What kind of changes?
Well the vet seems to think that's she's becoming a rooster. We're getting a second opinion.
It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.
Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.
Well, okay, so what's now-go get, go get the eggs, put 'em in there.
Okay, it'll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.
Embryossss? As in, More than one?
Um-hmm, five actually.
We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.
That's it! 25 percent? That means that's it's like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!
Hey, y'know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there?
Sweety, now, she's a woman, not a gumball machine.
Okay, well y'know what, don't worry you guys, 'cause I'm-I'm gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.
Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we're kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time.
No, I'm sorry.
Wow! You guys really don't know anything!
I know! Why don't you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school.
I can't find garbage bags!
Oh, I think I saw some in here.
What is it?!
I don't know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die.
I can't believe we're living here!
Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!
People can hear you.
I know!!
Wow! She looks great. Doesn't she?
Yeah.
Hi!
Hi!
That is one good looking man!
Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!
Sooo, you've been doing this long?
No, you're my first. Put the money on the table.
Oh, yeah! Ooh, that's nice.
Dude!
Is that an expensive blouse?
If you want it to be.
Here's your girlfriend's button.
Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?
Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?
Well, it's just that maternity clothes are so expensive.
Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just......throw your purses at it.
Bloomingdale's eliminated my department.
Oh my God, are you out of a job?
Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?
Uh-huh.
That sounds great!
Hey!
Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can't eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.
There's gravy?
What are you doing?
I think I left a donut up here.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Ooh! How was Kathy's play?
Yeah, it's like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!
That's a good idea for a business!
That-that is a good trick.
All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?
Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Yeah.
Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
They're not a couple!
Oh-okay, I get the game now.
Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot?
Oh yeah!
Well okay, so then you're fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it's hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It's when the heat goes away, that's when you're in trouble.
Really?
No.
Noooo!!
So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?
Y'know what, I don't know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.
Yeah, I know but...
Oh no-no-no, I'm there.
Hey!
Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?
You made pancakes?
Yep! Grab a plate.
Okay.
No-no, stay right there. Gettin' closer.
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah, who's playing?
The players.
All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!
Oh.
Hi!
Hi, I'm Joshua.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, at least that's a great suit.
Okay.
Rachel, you needed to speak to me?
It's this way? Sorry.
Hey you guys!
Hey!
Oh, absolutely!
It's a good play, isn't it?
Okay, I...
Clearly, I'm having sex with him?
Did she call?
No, sorry.
All right, maybe I should call her.
No! Forget her, man! You don't need her, you don't need that!
He's right, what she did was unforgivable.
Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?
How might you be wrong?
Well y'know, what if she didn't actually sleep with the guy?
Dude, tell me she actually told you this.
She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!
That's all you're basing this on?
That's not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.
Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Oh my God!!
Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too... Umm, who likes the Knicks-
What do you think?
Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great!
Huh. Yeah?
I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I'm gonna wear it home.
Great.
Sure.
Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it.
Yeah-eah-ha!
Thanks. Maybe I'll see in the spring, with the uh, y'know, for the uh, bathing suits.
Ah, that's okay, thanks.
Okay.
Anyway, hopefully, I'll see you around sometime.
Basketball!
I'm sorry.
I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you're interested, just as a thank you for this week.
Wow! That would be great.
Really?
Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel.
Good morning.
Hi!
Hey.
Oh wow. I really wish you'd call me.
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!
So now, what is this now?
Guggly worm.
And this?
Glow-pop giggly jammer.
You make it so funny.
Hey umm, what's this?
Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year.
Great!
You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. Well, except you.
What's Phase Two?
Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club.
How does going to a strip club help him better?
Because there are naked ladies there.
Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
There are naked ladies there too.
Yeah.
Would you give me one minute!! Please.
Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I'm here! I'm here!
Calm down, we got time, we're running a little late.
Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!
Yeah, we loves 'em. I've never seen him with-
Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?
You.
Y'know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?
You?
No-no, it's uh, it's Heston.
What?
There's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.
Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?
The one with Heston on it.
Interesting.
Okay, I've got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
No thanks, Mom!
Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant.
Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.
Ha-ha, it's not my baby, ha-ha-ha!
Very good, so good.
I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.
Come on! Look where you are!!
Remember, a virgin for me please.
Well, if you think it will help.
You should! How is she?
Ohhh!!
Hello! Who's in there?
How ya doin'?
Who in the hell are you?
You're in this picture?
Joey, right?
Yeah.
Oh no-no-no, you don't understand...
Listen to me!
Oh yeah, yeah.
Yes sir! Yes sir, I'm-I'm-
Wait a minute! Take your pants.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I don't wanna.
Please?
Yeah, all right.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey-ooh so, how was Vermont?
Oh, hey!
Hey! You were so right!
What?
Oh, hmm.
Joshua.
Yeah, I...
Oh, thank goodness!
Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.
Oh, no problem. I'm so glad I could help. Happy for you.
Happy for you.
No, happy for you!
All right ladies, here's what we're gonna do. You are gonna take off my clothes. You two, go get the oils. And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!
I-I wanna be with her, I like her.
Oh, that's fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.
Wait, now, what am I doing again?
Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!
Hi, I'm Joshua, I'm here to pick up Rachel.
No-no-no, that' not Joshua.
What do you want from me, I've never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I'm sorry you can't stay, but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. What are you doing? All right, listen, I've got to wake up!
Chandler, there's a guy right over there.
Chandler, don't worry! This doesn't make you any less of a guy! That does! What am I sitting on? I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
Hmm.
OH...MY...GAWD!!
I can't believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.
No, it's really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe.
Help! Help!! Help! Help!!
No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. Liam, Devon, this is Ross.
Hey, mate.
How are ya man?
Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? Help! Help!
So how are you? I've been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I've been rather busy.
Oh my God. I think you're right.
Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning.
Oh, Liam.
Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something-or should I call it football?
We were playing rugby.
Ross play rugby? I don't think so.
What's ah, what's so funny about that?
Well I mean, you're American to start with. You don't even have rugby here.
Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776, either so...
So good then! We'll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!
Cheers!
Cheers!
Oh boy, I just love to sing!
Oh, look at us! Who would've thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails.
Okay, we have to talk. I'm just getting out of a very serious relationship...
I know! And I'm just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!
Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time.
I hear ya. But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!
Oh no! Where to? Too Paris?
No! No! Not, Paris.
Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? Yemen. That's right, yes, I'm being transferred to Yemen!
When?
I don't know exactly.
Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
But I do know that it's some time tomorrow.
Done?
Yep!
Hey!
Hey! What's up?
I bet I stopped listening before you did.
Y'know, you-you also could've used uh, lamps and then followed the light.
It's coming from Joey!
Oh my God, that's so freaky! Turn him off!!
Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy , and that guy . And that one-Dude! They're all huge!
They don't look any bigger than me!
Well, maybe that's because you're closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.
I'm just going to say hi to the lads. All right?
All right.
Okay.
Hi.
Whoa! I kinda liked it.
I totally don't know what you're talking about.
Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!
No.
You'll see.
Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it's his first time.
You don't say!
Good luck, babe.
Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! Ross! Come on!
Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!
JOEY!!!!!!
He asked you out?!
No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
Saucy!
What are these?
Electrical plans for the building.
Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?
I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.
Wow! If only more people knew.
Y'know you, really didn't have to take me to the airport.
Well, we're really not that close. Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
One ticket to Yemen?
Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
I'm sorry sir, I don't understand.
What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
Are you travelling with a child?
Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don't take library cards.
What's the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?
American Express?
Hey!
Hi!
What-what are-what are these?
Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they'd brighten up the place. They do don't you think?
No-no-no, no!
I know that there's no hole there, I just really liked that picture.
Oh my God! Look at this!
Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!
I don't care! The wires have come loose in your head!
I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.
And did you?!
But it didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.
Oh my God.
Hello darling.
Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.
Now, are you sure you don't want to go see a doctor?
Yeah, sure.
No, not you.
Uhh, look, your eye's still popping out a little, I'm gonna go get some ice.
Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice!
You were amazing out there.
Oh, I kinda was, wasn't I?
Oh my God!
I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven't done that since I was four and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks.
You really enjoyed yourself didn't you?
I think you've got concussion.
No, no, I'm serious. Thank you.
You're welcome. I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?
It's worth the pain. Y'know what, you know what? It's not.
This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I'll wait for you. Do you even know how long you're going to be gone?
Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.
Oh. Well, I'll right you everyday. 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.
Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
Chandler?
No!
Chandler!
Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
No! No! I wanna see you take-off.
Well, I then guess I'm going to Yemen! I'm going to Yemen! When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
What is it hon?
I-I can't find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake-ooh! Cake! No.
Aww, honey I'm sorry.
God! Ooh! What is that smell? It's coming from the bathroom. Ooh!
Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.
Yeah?
It's me. It's Phoebe. Listen there's something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good?
Is it the shampoo? It's guava.
No!
Oh! Wait-wait! Is it my bologna sandwich?
Yes. Yes. Yes. I can't believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can't eat meat!
Oh, wait-wait! Maybe it's a pickle?!
Okay!
Oh, here's that trench-coat that you wanted.
Oh great! Wow! Yeah, it's comfortable.
Yeah?
Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing.
Oh no-no, no-no, they don't want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
Why not?!
Well, that's because of a lot of...
Y'know, they ruin it for everybody.
I know!
Y'know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night.
Oh?
Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce.
Well, congratulations, so do you love her?
Huh. Well, uh, that's uh, that's interesting.
Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that?
Oh, it's just an anti-theft device.
Then uh, what's-what's this?
You need that, you need that too 'cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up.
Oooh, what you got there?
Pastrami.
Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y'know what goes good with that?
Hm-mm, corn beef.
Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that's much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey?
Okay.
Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due?
Six months.
Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right?
Not if I get there first.
Hey!
All right.
Listen. Listen. Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great!
I know! I know, and I've only been playing for like an hour!
Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!
Hey! What are you doing here?
Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour.
Oh, well, don't tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus.
No. No. No. Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR.
Wouldn't that be Frank the III?
Don't get me started. Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby.
Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
You think about it.
I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don't think your son will think it's yours and be horribly traumatised?
Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.
Ohh, it's time to go.
Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock's a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice?
Well that's ambitious.
Hey, uh, you can ignore that.
That's Carol with your son!
Uhh, believe me when he's older, he'll understand.
Ross!
I'll be right there. Hello! Hello! Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan.
Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you!
Me too!
Ohh, y'know, Susan's gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week.
Oh yeah, I'm so excited, I've never been there.
Oh, well, I'll show you around.
Ahh!
Are you all right?
Oh come on! That's-that's... true.
Hi!
Hey!
Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?
What do ya say? What do ya say?
Um-hmm.
What am I making him by the way?
I thought I was making him filet mignon?
Hey!
Hey! How's Ben?
Hey, Ben! Hey!
So umm, any word from Susan?
What's too much fun?
Oh my God, you are so paranoid!
Am I?!
Yes!
Am I?!
Maybe.
Wow! This place is fabulous!
Morning's here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here! The morning's here!
HEY!! Do you have to do that? It's Saturday!
Oh come on! Morning's here! Morning's here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!
I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
Are you kidding? I love that guy! Morning's here! Morning is here-
Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.
Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.
Monica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Okay.
See, this is a great apartment.
Shut up! This place is a hole!
Oh, blimey, I still can't believe you've got an earring!
Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe?
He does that?!
Uh, I don't know, whatever.
I think it makes you look really dangerous.
Oh, I know. Y'know what, I never would've gotten this if it weren't for you. No really, when I'm with you I'm-I'm like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!
I love both of you!
Yeah?
I wish I didn't have to go.
Then don't. Stay here. Just don't go so soon to London, just one more day.
Ohh, Ross, please!
One more day, seriously/
So, then you can stay as long as you want.
I wish I could.
Oh no. Don't, don't, don't start packing. Come on!
Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
You didn't!
No. No, I didn't. I didn't want to be that guy.
Morning's here! The morning's here!
Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here!
Hey! You're back!
Hey! Get into gear!
Breakfast is near!
The dark of night has disappeared!!
I'll see you tomorrow morning!
Okay!
That's like the tenth time I've peed since I've been here!
That's also like the tenth time you told us.
Pheebs, did...you want a cookie?
Thank you so much.
So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?
I haven't really had any yet.
Hey guys!
Hey.
Hey!
All right, here's the ring.
Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Oh, it's awkward. It's awkward. It's awkward.
I sort've already asked Chandler.
I'll never get to be a best man!
I can't believe you're not picking me.
Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!
I'm not even... I'm not even...
Yes! Shame about you man.
Great. Great.
I'll be there.
Okay! We'll need a six-pack of Zima.
Hey guys, what are you doing?
You got it.
Okay, see ya later.
He just said, No strippers.
Oh, I chose not to hear that.
Little village people.
Oh, that is so sweet!
Oh, she's gonna love that!
What?
The ring is gone!
You slept with the stripper?
Of course!!
Hi, guys.
Hi! Phoebe.
Hi Phoebe.
No we...
Hormones.
...hormones, yeah.
Oh!
Well, h-how is this like that?
I'm-I'm sorry, I just thought that...
Alrighty, here come the water works.
Hey guys!
Hey!
Hey...
Yeah, right!
So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable?
Yeah, the stripper stole it.
Not on you! On the stripper!
Here's your tea Phoebe.
It's so good. Oh, thanks.
Good.
I'm so glad you liked it.
Oh!
What?!
What?! She made the tea!
You what?
Oh my God!
Okay! Okay! Here!
The Bible?!
Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica.
What do you got there?
Condoms, dude!
How come the writing is in Spanish?
Don't read my condoms!
Who are you saying check too?
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Are you ready yet?
Yep! You got the tickets?
Oh! Got 'em right here, check!
It's all London, baby! Here we go.
You got your passport?
Ohh!!
There it is.
Come on! Do something!
I am, I'm ignoring you.
Okay, here! I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey.
Oh, what the hell is that?
It's London, baby! All right, the hotel's here. Wait. No, we wanna go... No. I know. I'm gonna have to go into the map.
Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!
I got it! Here we go.
Okay. Listen-listen, we're not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?
Shhh! Man, you made me lose it!
Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, honey, okay?
Well, up yours too!
What?!
Oh, that's not what it means?
No! No! That's-that's time-out!
Sorry.
Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything's gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.
Chicken Kiev?
Um-hmm! Doesn't that sound delicious at the last minute?
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily's parents got married here.
I still can't believe they're tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you'll ever see. I mean it's over... Oh my God!
It's nice.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do?
It's all right! Everything's gonna be all right.
How's it gonna be all right?!
Uh-huh, I see that.
What? What?
All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I've ever seen. Hey! Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Really? To what?
To Put the Camera Away!!!
Man, you are Westminster Crabby.
Oowww!!
Sorry. Lucky this dress is red!
Oh. Oh.
Oh, honey! Don't get up! What do you need?
Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Okay, I have a wedgie.
Okay, that is all you.
So-so, what do you want for lunch?
Oh, I don't know. I guess we have to eat.
Yeah, I do. What's the matter?
Still in love with?!
Yeah!
I'm not in love with Ross!
Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.
We thought you knew!
We?!
You all know? Does Ross know?
Oh no, Ross doesn't know anything.
What?!
Hey!
Well, I like it. Here you go.
Oh, I embarrass you?
They're all tourists.
Good choice.
Thanks.
How you doin'? Joey Tribbiani, America.
Hello?
We don't have to.
Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?
She said what?
No. I'm saying it's now.
Or?
Yeah, I know. It drives me crazy.
I'll get it.
Hello.
Hey, Pheebs! It's Joey!
So you're not homesick yet?
No, I don't think so.
Who's seven?
Ahh, the babies miss me?
Ooh, the pizza guy's here!
What? You ordered pizza without me?!
Two pizzas?!
You'll see.
Oh God.
It's perfect.
Well then we'll get wet.
Pheebs?
Yeah?
Because I'm going to London.
The Waltham Residence.
Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily's Parents' house.
This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.
What are you saying?!
No! Ooh! Oh my god!
The Waltham Residence.
Hello. This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it's not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please?
Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it's not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.
I'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
Hangs up.
Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass.
Hey.
Hi. Mom. Dad.
Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.
Judy, the kids..
Jack, that's what they call the subway.
Ohh, I thought that you....
Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham.
Sorry, what?
It's the Gellers!
Where?
Well there's one and there's another .
Lovely to meet you.
Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding.
We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw .
Ha ha, a joke that's funny in all countries.
Sir?
What's in it?
Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta.
Joey, it's been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.
Your different here too. Your mean in England.
What the hell!!!
what's up, Dad?
This bill for my half of the wedding. it's insane.
How could it be so much? The receptions at their house.
Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I'm paying to remodel this guys house. I'm going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind.
And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers.
Ooh, Jack.... Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be.
And I'm going to go get drunk.
Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. Hi.
Hello.
Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London?
There's one leaving in thirty minutes.
Ohh, good.
And I do have one seat left.
Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Huh.. How about 600?
Sorry.
How about 600 and these earrings?
They prefer it if I don't barter.
I'm just going to need to see your passport.
Hello, Waltham Interiors.
Who is this?
Where did you get this number?
Oh, am I on the radio?
I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart.
I was laughing.
Out loud?
So how are you doing?
I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man.
Well, thanks, we like him.
Then why would he say it?
Hi, I'm back. Listen, I need to...
Hello.
I can't do that.
I can't imagine why.
I'm getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!!
Morning, Ross.
I'm getting married, to..day!!
Yeah you are!!
Ahh, whoo-hoo!!
Ohhh.
Ahh, ahh, excuse me.
Yeah?
Nope.
Yep, yep...You?
Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You? We did you.
Well...I'd better get going.
Oh yea yea, absolutely.
Could you not look?
I don't want to look.
Hello?
Ohh great!!!
But, he loves Emily?
Okay.
All right, so, okay...
Right!
So tell me about this girl?
Ehh, pardon me?
Well I-I think your wrong.
Oh-no.
Do something..... Something....
Hey.
Hey.
Have you seen Monica?
I'm not seeing Monica.
What?
What?
Oh my god!
I know, it's horrible isn't it?
I just hope...
Okay.
I do. I do. I do.
Really?
Hello Joey.
Hey, Felicity.
Yeah.
Fuggetaboutit. How you doin?
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Dad!!
What-what's going on?!
