How comes it to pass, Maecenas, that no one lives content with his condition, whether reason
 gave it him, or chance threw it in his way; [but] praises those who follow different pursuits?
 "O happy merchants!" says the soldier, oppressed with years, and now broken down in his limbs through excess of labor. On the other side, the
 merchant, when the south winds toss his ship [cries], "Warfare is preferable;" for why? the
 engagement is begun, and in an instant there comes a speedy death or a joyful victory. The
 lawyer praises the farmer's state when the client knocks
 at his door by cockcrow. He who, having entered into a recognizance, is dragged, from the country into the city, cries, "Those only are happy who live in
 the city." The other instances of this kind (they are so numerous) would weary out the
 loquacious Fabius; not to keep you in suspense, hear to what an issue I will bring the matter. If any god should say, "Lo! I will effect what you desire: you,
 that were just now a soldier, shall be a merchant; you, lately a lawyer [shall be] a farmer.
 Do ye depart one way, and ye another, having exchanged the parts you are to act in life. How
 now! Why do you stand?" They are unwilling; and yet it is in their power to be happy.
 What reason can be assigned, but that Jupiter should deservedly distend both his cheeks in
 indignation, and declare that for the future he will not be so indulgent as to lend an ear to
 their prayers? But further, that I may not run over this in a laughing manner, like those [who
 treat] on ludicrous subjects (though what hinders one being merry, while telling the truth?
 as good-natured teachers at first give cakes to their
 boys, that they may be willing to learn their first rudiments: raillery, however, apart, let
 us investigate serious matters) lie that turns the heavy glebe with the hard plowshare, this
 fraudulent tavern-keeper, the soldier, and the sailors, who dauntless run
 through every sea, profess that they endure toil with this intention, that as old men they may
 retire into a secure resting-place, when once they have gotten together a sufficient
 provision. 
 Thus the little ant (for she is an example), of great industry, carries in her mouth
 whatever she is able, and adds to the heap which she piles up, by no means ignorant and not careless for the future. Which [ant, nevertheless],
 as soon as Aquarius saddens the changed year, never creeps abroad, but wisely makes use of
 those stores which were provided beforehand: while neither sultry summer, nor winter, fire,
 ocean, sword, can drive you from gain. You surmount
 every obstacle, that no other man may be richer than yourself. What pleasure is it for you,
 trembling to deposit an immense weight of silver and gold in the earth dug up by stealth? Because, if you should lessen it, it may be reduced to a paltry farthing. 
 But unless that be the case, what beauty has an accumulated hoard? Though your thrashing-floor should yield a hundred thousand bushels of corn, your belly will not on that account contain more
 than mine: just as if it were your lot to carry on your loaded shoulder the basket of bread
 among slaves, you would receive no more [for your own share] than he who bore no part of the
 burthen. Or tell me, what is it to the purpose of that man, who lives within the compass of
 nature, whether he plow a hundred or a thousand acres?
 "But it is still delightful to take out of a great hoard." 
 While you leave us to take as much out of a moderate store why should you extol your
 granaries, more than our cornbaskets? As if you had occasion for no more than a pitcher or
 glass of water, and should say, "I had rather draw [so much] from a great river, than the very
 same quantity from this little fountain." Hence it comes to pass, that the rapid Aufidus carries away, together with the bank, such men as an
 abundance more copious than what is just delights. But he who desires only so much as is
 sufficient, neither drinks water fouled with the mud,
 nor loses his life in the waves.

But a great majority of mankind, misled by a wrong desire, cry, "No sum is enough; because
 you are esteemed in proportion to what you possess." What can one do to such a tribe as this?
 Why, bid them be wretched, since their inclination prompts them to it. As a certain person is
 recorded [to have lived] at Athens , covetous and rich, who was wont to despise the talk of the people
 in this manner: "The crowd hiss me; but I applaud myself at home, as soon as I contemplate my
 money in my chest." The thirsty Tantalus catches at the streams, which elude his lips. Why do
 you laugh? The name changed, the tale is told of you. You sleep upon your bags, heaped up on every side, gaping over them, and are obliged to
 abstain from them, as if they were consecrated things, or to amuse yourself with them as you
 would with pictures. Are you ignorant of what value money has, what use it can afford? Bread,
 herbs, a bottle of wine may be purchased; to which [necessaries], add [such others], as, being withheld, human nature would be uneasy with itself.
 What, to watch half dead with terror, night and day, to dread profligate thieves, fire, and
 your slaves, lest they should run away and plunder you; is this delightful? I should always
 wish to be very poor in possessions held upon these terms. 
 
 But if your body should be disordered by being seized
 with a cold, or any other casualty should confine you to your bed, have you one that will
 abide by you, prepare medicines, entreat the physician that he would set you upon your feet,
 and restore you to your children and dear relations? 
 Neither your wife, nor your son, desires your recovery; all your neighbors, acquaintances, [nay the very] boys and girls hate you. Do you wonder
 that no one tenders you the affection which you do not merit, since you prefer your money to
 every thing else? If you think to retain, and preserve as friends, the relations which nature
 gives you, without taking any pains; wretch that you
 are, you lose your labor equally, as if any one should train an ass to be obedient to the
 rein, and run in the Campus [Martius]. Finally, let there be some end to your search; and, as
 your riches increase, be in less dread of poverty; and begin to cease from your toil, that
 being acquired which you coveted: nor do as did one
 Umidius (it is no tedious story), who was so rich that he measured his money, so sordid that
 he never clothed himself any better than a slave; and, even to his last moments, was in dread
 lest want of bread should oppress him: but his freed-woman, the bravest of all the daughters of Tyndarus, cut him in two with a hatchet. "What therefore do you persuade me to? That I should
 lead the life of Naevius, or in such a manner as a Nomentanus?" 
 You are going [now] to make things tally, that are contradictory in their natures. When I bid you not be a miser, I do not order you to become a debauchee or a prodigal. 
 
 There is some difference between the case of
 Tanais and his son-in-law Visellius: there is a mean
 in things; finally, there are certain boundaries, on either side of which moral rectitude can
 not exist. I return now whence I digressed. Does no one, after the miser's example, like his
 own station, but rather praise those who have different pursuits; and pines, because his neighbor's she-goat bears a more distended udder; nor
 considers himself in relation to the greater multitude of poor; but labors to surpass, first
 one, and then another? Thus the richer man is always an obstacle to one that is hastening [to
 be rich]: as when the courser whirls along the chariot,
 dismissed from the place of starting; the charioteer presses upon those horses which outstrip
 his own, despising him that is left behind coming on among the last. Hence it is, that we
 rarely find a man who can say he has lived happy, and content with his past life, can retire
 from the world like a satisfied guest. 
 Enough for the present: nor will I add one word more,
 lest you should suspect that I have plundered the escrutoire of the blear-eyed Crispinus.

The tribes of female flute-players, quacks, vagrants, mimics, blackguards; all this set is sorrowful and dejected on account of the death of the singer
 Tigellius; for he was liberal [toward them]. On the other hand, this man, dreading to be
 called a spendthrift, will not give a poor friend wherewithal to keep off cold and pinching hunger. If you ask him why he wickedly consumes
 the noble estate of his grandfather and father in tasteless gluttony, buying with borrowed
 money all sorts of dainties; he answers, because he is
 unwilling to be reckoned sordid, or of a mean spirit: he is praised by some, condemned by
 others. Fufidius, wealthy in lands, wealthy in money put out at interest, is afraid of having
 the character of a rake and spendthrift. This fellow deducts 5 per cent. interest from the principal [at the time of lending]; and, the more desperate in his circumstances any one is, the more severely he pinches him:
 he hunts out the names of young fellows that have just put on the toga virilis under rigid fathers. Who does
 not cry out, O sovereign Jupiter ! when he has heard
 [of such knavery]? But [you will say, perhaps,] this man expends upon himself in proportion to
 his gain. You can hardly believe how little a friend he
 is to himself: insomuch that the father, whom Terence's comedy introduces as living miserable
 after he had caused his son to run away from him, did not torment himself worse than he Now if
 any one should ask, "To what does this matter tend?" To this: while fools shun [one sort of]
 vices, they fall upon their opposite extremes. Malthinus
 walks with his garments trailing upon the ground; there is another droll fellow who [goes]
 with them tucked up even to his middle; Rufillus smells like perfume itself, Gorgonius like a
 he-goat. There is no mean. There are some who would not keep company with a lady, unless her
 modest garment perfectly conceal her feet. Another,
 again, will only have such as take their station in a filthy brothel. When a certain noted
 spark came out of a stew, the divine Cato [greeted] him with this sentence: "Proceed (says he)
 in your virtuous course. For, when once foul lust has inflamed the veins, it is right for
 young fellows to come hither, in comparison of their meddling with other men's wives."
 I should not be willing to be commended on such terms,
 says Cupiennius, an admirer of the silken vail. 
 Ye, that do not wish well to the proceedings of adulterers, it is worth your while to hear
 how they are hampered on all sides; and that their
 pleasure, which happens to them but seldom, is interrupted with a great deal of pain, and
 often in the midst of very great dangers. One has thrown himself long from the top of a house;
 another has been whipped almost to death: a third, in his flight, has fallen into a merciless
 gang of thieves: another has paid a fine, [to avoid] corporal [punishment]: the lowest
 servants have treated another with the vilest indignities. Moreover, this misfortune happened to a certain person, he entirely lost his
 manhood. Every body said, it was with justice: Galba denied it. 
 But how much safer is the traffic among [women] of the second rate! I mean the freed-women:
 after which Sallustius is not less mad, than he who commits adultery. But if he had a mind to be good and generous, as far as his estate and reason
 would direct him, and as far as a man might be liberal with moderation; he would give a
 sufficiency, not what would bring upon himself ruin and infamy. However, he hugs himself in
 this one [consideration]; this he delights in, this he extols: "I meddle with no matron."
 Just as Marsaeus, the lover of Origo he who gives his paternal estate and seat to an actress, says, "I never meddle with
 other men's wives." But you have with actresses, you have with common strumpets: whence your
 reputation derives a greater perdition, than your estate. What, is it abundantly sufficient to avoid the person, and not the [vice] which is
 universally noxious? To lose one's good name, to squander a father's effects, is in all cases
 an evil. What is the difference, [then, with regard to yourself,] whether you sin with the
 person of a matron, a maiden, or a prostitute?

Villius, the son-in-law of Sylla (by this title alone
 he was misled), suffered [for his commerce] with Fausta an adequate and more than adequate
 punishment, by being drubbed and stabbed, while he was shut out, that Longarenus might enjoy
 her within. Suppose this [young man's] mind had addressed him in the words of his appetite,
 perceiving such evil consequences: "What would you have? Did I ever, when, my ardor was at the highest, demand a woman descended from a great consul,
 and covered with robes of quality?" What could he answer? Why, "the girl was sprung from an
 illustrious father." But how much better things, and how different from this, does nature,
 abounding in stores of her own, recommend; if you would
 only make a proper use of them, and not confound what is to be avoided with that which is
 desirable! Do you think it is of no consequence, whether your distresses arise from your own
 fault or from [a real deficiency] of things? Wherefore, that you may not repent [when it is
 too late], put a stop to your pursuit after matrons; whence more trouble is derived, than you
 can obtain of enjoyment from success. Nor has [this
 particular matron], amid her pearls and emeralds, a softer thigh, or limbs more delicate than
 yours, Cerinthus; nay, the prostitutes are frequently preferable. Add to this, that [the
 prostitute] bears about her merchandize without any varnish, and openly shows what she has to
 dispose of; nor, if she has aught more comely than ordinary, does she boast and make an ostentation of it, while she is industrious to
 conceal that which is offensive. This is the custom with men of fortune: when they buy horses,
 thy inspect them covered: that, if a beautiful forehand (as often) be supported by a tender
 hoof, it may not take in the buyer, eager for the bargain, because the back is handsome, the
 head little, and the neck stately. This they do
 judiciously. Do not you, [therefore, in the same manner] contemplate the perfections of each
 [fair one's] person with the eyes of Lynceus; but be blinder than Hypsaea, when you survey
 such parts as are deformed. [You may cry out,] "0 what a leg! O, what delicate arms!" But [you
 suppress] that she is low-hipped, short-waisted, with a long nose, and a splay foot. A man can
 see nothing but the face of a matron, who carefully
 conceals her other charms, unless it be a Catia. But if you will seek after forbidden charms
 (for the [circumstance of their being forbidden] makes you mad after them), surrounded as they
 are with a fortification, many obstacles will then be in your way: such as guardians, the
 sedan, dressers, parasites, the long robe hanging down to the ankles, and covered with an
 upper garment; a multiplicity of circumstances, which
 will hinder you from having a fair view. The other throws no obstacle in your way; through the
 silken vest you may discern her, almost as well as if she was naked; that she has neither a
 bad leg, nor a disagreeable foot, you may survey her form perfectly with your eye. Or would
 you choose to have a trick put upon you, and your money extorted, before the goods are shown
 you? [But perhaps you will sing to me these verses out
 of Callimachus.] As the huntsman pursues the hare in the deep snow, but disdains to touch it
 when it is placed before him: thus sings the rake, and applies it to himself; my love is like
 to this, for it passes over an easy prey, and pursues what flies from it. Do you hope that grief, and uneasiness, and bitter anxieties, will be
 expelled from your breast by such verses as these? Would it not be more profitable to inquire
 what boundary nature has affixed to the appetites, what she can patiently do without, and what
 she would lament the deprivation of, and to separate what is solid from what is vain? What!
 when thirst parches your jaws, are you solicitous for golden cups to drink out of? What! when you are hungry, do you despise every thing but peacock
 and turbot? When your passions are inflamed, and a common gratification is at hand, would you
 rather be consumed with desire than possess it? I would not: for I love such pleasures as are
 of easiest attainment. But she whose language is, "By
 and by," "But for a small matter more," "If my husband should be out of the way," [is only]
 for petitmaitres: and for himself, Philodemus says, he chooses her, who neither stands for a
 great price, nor delays to come when she is ordered. Let her be fair, and straight, and so far
 decent as not to appear desirous of seeming fairer than nature has made her. When I am in the company of such an one, she is my Ilia and Aegeria; I give her any name. Nor am I apprehensive,
 while I am in her company, lest her husband should return from the country; the door should be
 broken open; the dog should bark; the house, shaken, should resound on all sides with a great
 noise; the woman, pale [with fear] should bound away
 from me; lest the maid, conscious [of guilt], should cry out, she is undone; lest she should
 be in apprehension for her limbs, the detected wife for her portion, I for myself; lest I must
 run away with my clothes all loose, and bare-footed, for fear my money, or my person, or,
 finally my character should be demolished. It is a dreadful thing to be caught: I could prove
 this, even if Fabius were the judge.

THIS is a fault common to all singers, that among their friends they never are inclined to
 sing when they are asked, [but] unasked, they never desist. Tigellius, that Sardinian, had
 this [fault]. Had Caesar, who could have forced him to compliance, besought him on account of
 his father's friendship and his own, he would have had no success; if he himself was disposed,
 he would chant Io Bacche over and over, from the beginning of an entertainment to the very
 conclusion of it; one while at the deepest pitch of his voice, at another time with that which answers
 to the highest string of the tetrachord. There was nothing uniform in that fellow; frequently would he run along, as one flying
 from an enemy; more frequently [he walked], as if he bore [in procession] the sacrifice of
 Juno: he had often two hundred slaves, often but ten: one while talking of kings and
 potentates, every thing that was magnificent; at another — "Let me have a
 three-legged table, and a cellar of clean salt, and a gown which, though coarse, may be
 sufficient to keep out the cold." Had you given ten hundred thousand sesterces to this moderate man who was content with such small matters, in five days' time there
 would be nothing in his bags. He sat up at nights, [even] to day-light; he snored out all the
 day. Never was there any thing so inconsistent with itself. Now some person may say to me,
 "What are you? Have you no faults?" Yes, others; but others, and perhaps of a less culpable
 nature. 
 When Maenius railed at Novius in his absence: "Hark ye," says a certain person, "are you
 ignorant of yourself? or do you think to impose yourself upon us a person we do not know?" "As
 for me, I forgive myself," quoth Maenius. This is a foolish and impious self-love, and worthy
 to be stigmatized. When you look over your own vices, winking at them, as it were, with sore
 eyes; why are you with regard to those of your friends as sharp-sighted as an eagle, or the
 Epidaurian serpent? But, on the other hand, it is your lot that your friends should inquire
 into your vices in turn. [A certain person] is a little too hasty in his temper; not well
 calculated for the sharp-witted sneers of these men: he may be made a jest of because his gown hangs awkwardly, he [at the
 same time] being trimmed in a very rustic manner, and his wide shoe hardly sticks to his foot.
 But he is so good, that no man can be better; but he is your friend: but an immense genius is
 concealed under this unpolished person of his. Finally, sift yourself thoroughly, whether
 nature has originally sown the seeds of any vice in you, or even an ill habit [has done it].
 For the fern, fit [only] to be burned, overruns the neglected fields.

Let us return from our digression. As his mistress's disagreeable failings escape the
 blinded lover, or even give him pleasure (as Hagna's wen does to Balbinus), I could wish that
 we erred in this manner with regard to friendship, and that virtue had affixed a reputable
 appellation to such an error. And as a father ought not to contemn his son, if he has any
 defect, in the same manner we ought not [to contemn] our friend. The father calls his
 squinting boy, a pretty leering rogue; and if any man has a little despicable brat, such as
 the abortive Sisyphus formerly was, he calls it a sweet moppet: this [child] with distorted legs, [the
 father] in a fondling voice calls one of the Vari; and another, who is club-footed, he calls a
 Scaurus. [Thus, does] this friend of yours live more sparingly than ordinarily? Let him be
 styled a man of frugality. Is another impertinent, and apt to brag a little? He requires to be
 reckoned entertaining to his friends. But [another] is too rude, and takes greater liberties
 than are fitting. Let him be esteemed a man of sincerity and bravery. Is he too fiery, let him
 be numbered among persons of spirit. 
 This method, in my opinion, both unites friends, and preserves them in a state of union. But
 we invert the very virtues themselves, and are desirous of throwing dirt upon the untainted
 vessel. Does a man of probity live among us? he is a person of singular diffidence; we give him the name of a dull and fat-headed fellow. Does this man avoid every snare,
 and lay himself open to no ill-designing villain; since we live amid such a race, where keen
 envy and accusations are flourishing? Instead of a sensible and wary man, we call him a
 disguised and subtle fellow. And is any one more open, [and less reserved] than usual in such
 a degree as I often have presented myself to you, Maecenas, so as perhaps impertinently to
 interrupt a person reading, or musing, with any kind of prate? We cry, "[this fellow] actually
 wants common sense." Alas! how indiscreetly do we ordain a severe law against ourselves! For no one is born
 without vices: he is the best man who is encumbered with the least. When my dear friend, as is
 just, weighs my good qualities against my bad ones, let him, if he is willing to be beloved,
 turn the scale to the majority of the former (if I have indeed a majority of good qualities),
 on this condition, he shall be placed in the same balance. He who requires that his friend
 should not take offense at his own protuberances, will excuse his friend's little warts. It is
 fair that he who entreats a pardon for his own fault, should grant one in his turn.

Upon the whole, forasmuch as the vice anger, as well as others inherent in foolish [mortals], can not
 be totally eradicated, why does not human reason make use of its own weights and measures; and
 so punish faults, as the nature of the thing demands? If any man should punish with the cross
 a slave, who being ordered to take away the dish should gorge the half-eaten fish and warm
 sauce; he would, among people in their senses, be called a madder man than Labeo. How much more irrational and heinous a crime is this! Your friend has been guilty of a
 small error (which, unless you forgive, you ought to be reckoned a sour, ill-natured fellow),
 you hate and avoid him, as a debtor does Ruso ; who, when the woeful calends come upon the unfortunate man, unless he lrocures the
 interest or capital by hook or by crook, is compelled to hear his miserable stories with his
 neck stretched out like a slave. [Should my friend] in his liquor water my couch, or has he
 thrown down a jar carved by the hands of Evander : shall he for this [trifling] affair, or because in his hunger he has taken a chicken
 before me out of my part of the dish, be the less agreeable friend to me? [If so], what could
 I do if he was guilty of theft, or had betrayed things committed to him in confidence, or
 broken his word. They who are pleased [to rank all] faults nearly on an equality, are troubled
 when they come to the truth of the matter: sense and morality are against them, and utility
 itself, the mother almost of right and of equity. 
 When [rude] animals, they crawled forth upon the firstformed earth, the mute and dirty herd fought with their nails and
 fists for their acorn and caves, afterward with clubs, and finally with arms which experience
 had forged: till they found out words and names, by which they ascertained their language and
 sensations: thenceforward they began to abstain from war, to fortify towns, and establish
 laws: that no person should be a thief, a robber, or an adulterer. For before Helen's time
 there existed [many] a woman who was the dismal cause of war: but those fell by unknown
 deaths, whom pursuing uncertain venery, as the bull in the herd, the strongest slew. It must
 of necessity be acknowledged, if you have a mind to turn over the aeras and annals of the
 world, that laws were invented from an apprehension of the natural injustice [of mankind]. Nor
 can nature separate what is unjust from what is just, in the same manner as she distinguishes
 what is good from its reverse, and what is to be avoided from that which is to be sought: nor
 will reason persuade men to this, that he who breaks down the cabbage-stalk of his neighbor,
 sins in as great a measure, and in the same manner, as he who steals by night things
 consecrated to the gods. Let there be a settled standard, that may inflict adequate
 punishments upon crimes; lest you should persecute any one with the horrible thong, who is
 only deserving of a slight whipping. For I am not apprehensive, that you should correct with
 the rod one that deserves to suffer severer stripes; since you assert that pilfering is an
 equal crime with highway robbery, and threaten that you would prune off with an
 undistinguishing hook little and great vices, if mankind were to give you the sovereignty over
 them. If he be rich, who is wise, and a good shoemaker, and alone handsome, and a king, why do
 you wish for that which you are possessed of? You do not understand what Chrysippus, the father [of your sect], says: "The wise man never made himself shoes nor slippers:
 nevertheless, the wise man is a shoemaker." How so? In the same manner, though Hermogenes be
 silent, he is a fine singer, notwithstanding, and an excellent musician: as the subtle
 [lawyer] Alfenus, after every instrument of his calling was thrown aside, and his shop shut up, was
 [still] a barber; thus is the wise man of all trades, thus is he a king. O greatest of great
 kings, the waggish boys pluck you by the beard; whom unless you restrain with your staff, you
 will be jostled by a mob all about you, and you may wretchedly bark and burst your lungs in
 vain. Not to be tedious: while you, my king, shall go to the farthing bath, and no guard shall
 attend you, except the absurd Crispinus; my dear friends will both pardon me in any matter in
 which I shall foolishly offend, and I in turn will cheerfully put up with their faults; and,
 though a private man, I shall live more happily than you, a king.

THE poets Eupolis, and Cratinus, and Aristophanes, and others, who are authors of the
 ancient comedy, if there was any person deserving to be distinguished for being a rascal or a thief,
 an adulterer or a cut-throat, or in any shape an infamous fellow, branded him with great
 freedom. Upon these [models] Lucilius entirely depends, having imitated them, changing only
 their feet and numbers: a man of wit, of great keenness, inelegant in the composition of verse: for in this respect he was faulty; he would
 often, as a great feat, dictate two hundred verses in an hour, standing in the same position.
 As he flowed muddily, there was [always] something that one would wish to remove; he was
 verbose, and too lazy to endure the fatigue of writing-of writing accurately: for, with regard
 to the quantity [of his works], I make no account of it. See! Crispinus challenges me even for
 ever so little a wager. Take, if you dare, take your tablets, and I will take mine; let there be a place, a
 time, and persons appointed to see fair play: let us see who can write the most. The gods have
 done a good part by me, since they have framed me of an humble and meek disposition, speaking
 but seldom, briefly: but do you, [Crispinus,] as much as you will, imitate air which is shut
 up in leathern bellows, perpetually puffing till the fire softens the iron. Fannius is a happy
 man, who, of his own accord, has presented his manuscripts and picture [to the Palatine Apollo]; when not a soul will peruse my writings, who am
 afraid to rehearse in public, on this account, because there are certain persons who can by no
 means relish this kind [of satiric writing], as there are very many who deserve censure.
 Single any man out of the crowd; he either labors under a covetous disposition, or under
 wretched ambition. One is mad in love with married women, another with youths; a third the
 splendor of silver captivates: Albius is in raptures with brass; another exchanges his
 merchandize from the rising sun, even to that with which the western regions are warmed: but
 he is hurried headlong through dangers, as dust wrapped up in a whirlwind; in dread lest he
 should lose any thing out of his capital, or [in hope] that he may increase his store. All
 these are afraid of verses, they hate poets. "He has hay on his horn, [they cry;] avoid him at a great distance: if he can but raise a laugh for his own
 diversion, he will not spare any friend: and whatever he has once blotted upon his paper, he
 will take a pleasure in letting all the boys and old women know, as they return from the
 bakehouse or the lake." But, come on, attend to a few words on the other side of the question.

In the first place, I will except myself out of the number of those I would allow to be
 poets: for one must not call it sufficient to tag a verse: nor if any person, like me, writes
 in a style bordering on conversation, must you esteem him to be a poet. To him who has genius,
 who has a soul of a diviner cast, and a greatness of expression, give the honor of this
 appellation. On this acount some have raised the question, whether comedy be a poem or not;
 because an animated spirit and force is neither in the style, nor the subject-matter: bating
 that it differs from prose by a certain measure, it is mere prose. But [one may object to
 this, that even in comedy] an inflamed father rages, because his.dissolute son, mad after a
 prostitute mistress, refuses a wife with a large portion; and (what is an egregious scandal)
 rambles about drunk with flambeaux by day-light. Yet could Pomponius, were his father alive,
 hear less severe reproofs! Wherefore it is not sufficient to write verses merely in proper
 language; which, if you take to pieces, any person may storm in the same manner as the father
 in the play. If from these verses which I write at this present, or those that Lucilius did
 formerly, you take away certain pauses and measures, and make that word which was first in
 order hindermost, by placing the latter [words] before those that preceded [in the verse]; you
 will not discern the limbs of a poet, when pulled in pieces, in the same manner as you would
 were you to transpose ever so [these lines of Ennius]: 
 
 When discord dreadful bursts the brazen bars, 
 And shatters iron locks to thunder forth her wars.

So far of this matter; at another opportunity [I may investigate] whether [a comedy] be a
 true poem or not: now I shall only consider this point, whether this [satiric] kind of writing
 be deservedly an object of your suspicion. Sulcius the virulent, and Caprius hoarse with their
 malignancy, walk [openly], and with their libels too [in their hands]; each of them a singular
 terror to robbers: but if a man lives honestly and with clean hands, he may despise them both.
 Though you be like highwaymen, Coelus and Byrrhus, I am not [a common accuser], like Caprius
 and Sulcius; why should you be afraid of me? No shop nor stall holds my books, which the
 sweaty hands of the vulgar and of Hermogenes Tigellius may soil. I repeat to nobody, except my
 intimates, and that when I am pressed; nor any where, and before any body. 
 There are many who recite their writings in the middle of the forum; and who [do it] while
 bathing: the closeness of the place, [it seems,] gives melody to the voice. This pleases
 coxcombs, who never consider whether they do this to no purpose, or at an unseasonable time.
 But you, says he, delight to hurt people, and this you do out of a mischievous disposition.
 From what source do you throw this calumny upon me? Is any one then your voucher, with whom I
 have lived? lie who backbites his absent friend; [nay more,] who does not defend, at another's
 accusing him; who affects to raise loud laughs in company, and the reputation of a funny
 fellow who can feign things he never saw; who can not keep secrets; he is a dangerous man: be
 you, Roman, aware of him. You may often see it [even in crowded companies], where twelve sup
 together on three couches; one of which shall delight at any rate to asperse the rest, except
 him who furnishes the bath; and him too afterward in his liquor, when truth-telling Bacchus opens the secrets of his heart. Yet this man seems entertaining, and
 well-bred, and frank to you, who are an enemy to the malignant: but do I, if I have laughed
 bccause the fop Rufillus smells all perfumes, and Gorgonius, like a he-goat, appear invidious
 and a snarler to you? If by any means mention happen to be made of the thefts of Petillius
 Capitolinus in your company, you defend him after your manner: [as thus,] Capitolinus has had.me
 for a companion and a friend from childhood, and being applied to, has done many things on my
 account: and I am glad that he lives secure in the city; but I wonder, notwithstanding, how he
 evaded that sentence. This is the very essence of black malignity, this is mere malice itself: which crime, that it shall be far remote from my writings,
 and prior to them from my mind, I promise, if I can take upon me to promise any thing
 sincerely of myself. If I shall say any thing too freely, if perhaps too ludicrously, you must
 favor me by your indulgence with this allowance. For my excellent father inured me to this
 custom, that by noting each particular vice I might avoid it by the example [of others]. When
 he exhorted me that I should live thriftily, frugally, and content with what he had provided
 for me; don't you see, [would he say,] how wretchedly the son of Albius lives? and how
 miserably Barrus? A strong lesson to hinder any one from squandering away his patrimony. When
 he would deter me from filthy fondness for a light woman: [take care, said he,] that you do
 not resemble Sectanus.

That I might not follow adulteresses, when I could enjoy a lawful amour: the character,
 cried he, of Trebonius, who was caught in the fact, is by no means creditable. The philosopher
 may tell you the reasons for what is better to be avoided, and what to be pursued. It is
 sufficient for me, if I can preserve the morality traditional from my forefathers, and keep
 your life and reputation inviolate, so long as you stand in need of a guardian: so soon as age
 shall have strengthened your limbs and mind, you will swim without cork. In this manner he
 formed me, as yet a boy: and whether he ordered me to do any particular thing: You have an
 authority for doing this: [then] he instanced some one out of the select magistrates: or did he forbid me [any thing]; can you doubt, [says he,] whether this thing be
 dishonorable, and against your interest to be done, when this person and the other is become
 such a burning shame for his bad character [on these accounts]? As a neighboring funeral
 dispirits sick gluttons, and through fear of death forces them to have mercy upon themselves;
 so other men's disgraces often deter tender minds from vices. From this [method of education]
 I am clear from all such vices, as bring destruction along with them: by lighter foibles, and
 such as you may excuse, I am possessed. And even from these, perhaps, a maturer age, the
 sincerity of a friend, or my own judgment, may make great reductions. For neither when I am in
 bed, or in the piazzas, am I wanting to myself: this way of proceeding is better; by doing
 such a thing I shall live more comfortably; by this means I shall render myself agreeable to
 my friends; such a transaction was not clever; what, shall I, at any time, imprudently commit
 any thing like it? These things I resolve in silence by myself. When I have any leisure, I
 amuse myself with my papers. This is one of those lighter foibles [I was speaking of]: to
 which if you do not grant your indulgence, a numerous band of poets shall come, which will
 take my part (for we are many more in number), and, like the Jews, we will force you to come over to our numerous party.

HAVING left mighty Rome , Aricia received me in but a middling inn: Heliodorus the
 rhetorician, most learned in the Greek language, was my fellow-traveler: thence we proceeded
 to Forum-Appi, stuffed with sailors and surly landlords. This stage, but one for better
 travelers than we, being laggard we divided into two; the Appian way is less tiresome to bad
 travelers. Here I, on account of the water, which was most vile, proclaim war against my
 belly, waiting not without impatience for my companions while at supper. 
 Now the night was preparing to spread her shadows upon the earth, and to display the
 constellations in the heavens. Then our slaves began to be liberal of their abuse to the
 watermen, and the watermen to our slaves. "Here bring to." "You are stowing in hundreds; hold,
 now sure there is enough." 
 Thus while the fare is paid, and the mule fastened, a whole hour is passed away. The cursed
 gnats, and frogs of the fens, drive off repose. While the waterman and a passenger,
 well-soaked with plenty of thick wine, vie with one another in singing the praises of their
 absent mistresses: at length the passenger being fatigued, begins to sleep; and the lazy
 waterman ties the halter of the mule, turned out a-grazing, to a stone, and snores, lying flat
 on his back. And now the day approached, when we saw the boat made no way; until a choleric
 fellow, one of the passengers, leaps out of the boat, and drubs the head and sides of both
 mule and waterman with a willow cudgel. At last we were scarcely set ashore at the fourth
 hour. We wash our faces and hands in thy water, O Feronia. Then, having dined, we crawled on
 three miles; and arrive under Anxur , which is built
 upon rocks that look white to a great distance. Maecenas was to come here, as was the
 excellent Cocceius, both sent embassadors on matters of great importance; having been
 accustomed to reconcile friends at variance. Here, having got sore eyes, I was obliged to use the black ointment. In the mean time
 came Macenas and Cocceius, and Fonteius Capito along with them, a man of perfect polish, and intimate with Mark Antony, no man more so. 
 Without regret we passed Fundi , where Aufidius
 Luscus was praetor, laughing at the honors of that crazy scribe, his praetexta, laticlave, and pan of incense. At our next stage, being weary, we tarry in the city of the Mamurrae, Murena complimenting us with his house, and Capito with his kitchen.

The next day arises, by much the most agreeable to all: for Plotius, and Varius, and Virgil
 met us at Sinuessa ; souls more candid ones than which
 the world never produced, nor is there a person in the world more bound to them than myself.
 0h what embraces, and what transports were there! While I am in my senses, nothing can I
 prefer to a pleasant friend. The village, which is next adjoining to the bridge of Campania , accommodated us with lodging [at night]; and the
 public officers with such a quantity of fuel and salt as they are obliged to [by law]. From this place
 the mules deposited their pack-saddles at Capua 
 betimes [in the morning]. Maecenas goes to play [at tennis]; but I and Virgil to our repose:
 for to play at tennis is hurtful to weak eyes and feeble constitutions. 
 From this place the villa of Cocceius, situated above the Caudian inns, which abounds with
 plenty, receives us. Now, my muse, I beg of you briefly to relate the engagement between the
 buffoon Sarmentus and Messius Cicirrus; and from what ancestry descended each began the
 contest. The illutrious race of Messius-Oscan: Sarmentus's mistress is still alive. Sprung from such families as these, they came to
 the combat. First, Sarmentus: "I pronounce thee to have the look of a mad horse." We laugh;
 and Messius himself [says], "I accept your challenge:" and wags his head. "O!" cries he, "if
 the horn were not cut off your forehead, what would you not do; since, maimed as you are, you
 bully at such a rate?" For a foul scar has disgraced the left part of Messius's bristly
 forehead. Cutting many jokes upon his Campanian disease, and upon his face, he desired him to
 exhibit Polyphemus's dance: that he had no occasion for a mask, or the tragic buskins. Cicirrus [retorted] largely
 to these: he asked, whether he had consecrated his chain to the household gods according to his vow; though he was a scribe, [he told him] his
 mistress's property in him was not the less. Lastly, he asked, how lie ever came to run away;
 such a lank meager fellow, for whom a pound of corn [a-day] would be ample. We were so diverted, that we continued that supper to an unusual length. 
 Hence we proceed straight on for Beneventum ; where
 the bustling landlord almost burned himself, in roasting some lean thrushes: for, the fire
 falling through the old kitchen [floor], the spreading flame made a great progress toward the
 highest part of the roof. Then you might have seen the hungry guests and frightened slaves
 snatching their supper out [of the flames], and every body endeavoring to extinguish the fire. 
 After this Apulia began to discover to me her
 well-known mountains, which the Atabulus scorches [with his blasts]: and through which we
 should never have crept, unless the neighboring village of Trivicus had received us, not
 without a smoke that brought tears into our eyes; occasioned by a hearth's burning some green
 boughs with the leaves upon them. Here, like a great fool as I was, I wait till midnight for a
 deceitful mistress: sleep, however, overcomes me, while meditating love; and disagreeable
 dreams make me ashamed of myself and every thing about me.

Hence we were bowled away in chaises twenty-four miles, intending to stop at a little town,
 which one can not name in a verse, but it is easily enough known by description. For water is sold here, though the worst in the world; but their bread is exceeding
 fine, inasmuch that the weary traveler is used to carry it willingly on his shoulders; for
 [the bread] at Canusium is gritty; a pitcher of
 water is worth no more [than it is here]: which place was formerly built by the valiant
 Diomedes. Here Varius departs dejected from his weeping friends. 
 Hence we came to Rabi, fatigued: because we made a long journey, and it was rendered still
 more troublesome by the rains. Next day the weather was better, the road worse, even to the
 very walls of Barium that abounds in fish. In the next place Egnatia , which [seems to have] been built on troubled waters, gave us occasion
 for jests and laughter; for they wanted to persuade us, that at this sacred portal the incense
 melted without fire. The Jew Apella may believe this, not I. For I have learned [from
 Epicurus], that the gods dwell in a state of tranquillity; nor, if nature effect any wonder,
 that the anxious gods send it from the high canopy of the heavens. 
 
 Brundusium ends both my long journey, and my
 paper.

NOT Maecenas, though of all the Lydians that ever inhabited the Tuscan territories, no one is of a nobler family than
 yourself; and though you have ancestors both on father's and mother's side, that in times past
 have had the command of mighty legions; do you, as the generality are wont, toss up your nose
 at obscure people, such as me, who had [only] a freed-man for my father: since you affirm that it is of no consequence of what parents any man
 is born, so that he be a man of merit. You persuade yourself, with truth, that before the
 dominions of Tullius, and the reign of one born a slave, frequently numbers of men descended
 from ancestors of no rank, have both lived as men of merit, and have been distinguished by the
 greatest honors: [while] on the other hand Laevinus, the descendant of that famous Valerius,
 by whose means Tarquinius Superbus was expelled from his kingdom, was not a farthing more
 esteemed [on account of his family, even] in the judgment of the people, with whose disposition
 you are well acquainted; who often foolishly bestow honors on the unworthy, and are from their
 stupidity slaves to a name: who are struck with admiration by inscriptions and statues. What
 is it fitting for us to do, who are far, very far removed from the vulgar [in our sentiments]?
 For grant it, that the people had rather confer a dignity on Laevinus than on Decius, who is a
 new man; and the censor Appius would expel me [the senate-house], because I was not sprung
 from a sire of distinction: and that too deservedly, inasmuch as I rested not content in in my
 own condition. But glory drags in her dazzling car the obscure as closely fettered as those of
 nobler birth. What did it profit you, O Tullius, to resume the robe that you [were forced] to
 lay aside, and. become a tribune [again] Envy increased upon you, which had been less, if you
 had remained in a private station. For when any crazy fellow has laced the middle of his leg
 with the sable buskins, and has let flow the purple robe from his breast, he immediately hears: "Who is this
 man? Whose son is he?" Just as if there be any one, who labors under the same distemper as
 Barrus does, so that he is ambitious of being reckoned handsome; let him go where he will, he
 excites curiosity among the girls of inquiring into particulars; as what sort of face, leg,
 foot, teeth, hair, he has. Thus he who engages to his citizens to take care of the city, the empire, and Italy , and the sanctuaries of the gods, forces every mortal to be solicitous,
 and to ask from what sire he is descended, or whether he is base by the obscurity of his
 mother. What? do you, the son of a Syrus, a Dama , or a Dionysius, dare to cast down the
 citizens of Rome from the [Tarpeian] rock, or
 deliver them up to Cadmus [the executioner]? But, [you may say,] my colleague Novius sits below me by one degree: for he is only what my father was. And therefore do you esteem
 yourself a Paulus or a Messala? But he (Novius), if two hundred carriages and three funerals
 were to meet in the forum, could make noise enough to drown all their horns and trumpets: this [kind of merit] at least has its weight with us. 
 Now I return to myself, who am descended from a freedman; whom every body nibbles at, as
 being descended from a freed-man. Now, because, Maecenas, I am a constant guest of yours; but
 formerly, because a Roman legion was under my command, as being a military tribune. This
 latter case is different from the former: for, though any person perhaps might justly envy me
 that post of honor, yet could he not do so with regard to your being my friend! especially as
 you are cautious to admit such as are worthy; and are far from having any sinister ambitious
 views. I can not reckon myself a lucky fellow on this account, as if it were by accident that
 I got you for my friend; for no kind of accident threw you in my way. That best of men,
 Virgil, long ago, and after him, Varius, told you what I was. When first I came into your
 presence, I spoke a few words in a broken manner (for childish bashfulness hindered me from
 speaking more); I did not tell you that I was the issue of an illustrious father: I did not
 [pretend] that I rode about the country on a Satureian horse, but plainly what I really was;
 you answer (as your custom is) a few words: I depart: and you re-invite me after the ninth
 month, and command me to be in the number of your friends. I esteem it a great thing that I
 pleased you, who distinguish probity from baseness, not by the illustriousness of a father,
 but by the purity of heart and feelings.

And yet if my disposition be culpable for a few faults, and those small ones, otherwise
 perfect (as if you should condemn moles scattered over a beautiful skin), if no one can justly
 lay to my charge avarice, nor sordidness, nor impure haunts; if, in fine (to speak in my own
 praise), I live undefiled, and innocent, and dear to my friends; my father was the cause of
 all this: who though a poor man on a lean farm, was unwilling to send me to a school under
 [the pedant] Flavius, where great boys, sprung from great centurions, having their satchels
 and tablets swung over their left arm, used to go with money in their hands the very day it
 was due; but had the spirit to bring me a child to Rome , to be taught those arts which any Roman knight and senator can teach his
 own children. So that, if any person had considered my dress, and the slaves who attended me
 in so populous a city, he would have concluded that those expenses were supplied to me out of
 some hereditary estate. He himself, of all others the most faithful guardian, was constantly
 about every one of my prcceptors. Why should I multiply words? He preserved me chaste (which
 is the first honor of virtue) not only from every actual guilt, but likewise from [every] foul
 imputation, nor was he afraid lest any should turn it to his reproach, if I should come to
 follow a business attended with small profits, in capacity of an auctioneer, or (what he was
 himself) a taxgatherer. Nor [had that been the case] should I have complained. On this account
 the more praise is due to him, and from me a greater degree of gratitude. As long as I am in
 my senses, I can never be ashamed of such a father as this, and therefore shall not apologize
 [for my birth], in the manner that numbers do, by affirming it to be no fault of theirs. My
 language and way of thinking is far different from such persons. For if nature were to make us
 from a certain term of years to go over our past time again, and [suffer us] to choose other
 parents, such as every man for ostentation's sake would wish for himself; I, content with my
 own, would not assume those that are honored with the ensigns and seats of state; [for which I
 should seem] a madman in the opinion of the mob, but in yours, I hope a man of sense; because
 I should be unwilling to sustain a troublesome burden, being by no means used to it. For I
 must [then] immediately set about acquiring a larger fortune, and more people must be
 complimented; and this and that companion must be taken along, so that I could neither take a
 jaunt into the country, or a journey by myself; more attendants and more horses must be fed;
 coaches must be drawn. Now, if I please, I can go as far as Tarentum on my bob-tailed mule, whose loins the portmanteau galls with his
 weight, as does the horseman his shoulders. No one will lay to my charge such sordidness as he
 may, Tullius, to you, when five slaves follow you, a praetor, along the Tiburtian way,
 carrying a traveling kitchen, and a vessel of wine. Thus I live more comfortably, O
 illustrious senator, than you, and than thousands of others. Wherever I have a fancy, I walk
 by myself: I inquire the price of herbs and bread: I traverse the tricking circus, and the forum often in the evening: I stand listening among the fortune-tellers:
 thence I take myself home to a plate of onions, pulse, and pancakes. My supper is served up by
 three slaves; and a white stone slab supports two cups and a brimmer: near the salt-cellar
 stands a homely cruet with a little bowl, earthen-ware from Campania . Then I go to rest; by no means concerned that I must rise in the
 morning, and pay a visit to the statue of Marsyas, who denies that he is able to bear the look of the younger Novius. I lie a-bed to the
 fourth hour; after that I take a ramble, or having read or written what may amuse me in my
 privacy, I am anointed with oil, but not with such as the nasty Nacca, when he robs the lamps. 
 But when the sun, become more violent, has reminded me to go to baths, I avoid the
 Campus Martius 
 and the game of hand-ball. Having dined in a temperate manner, just enough to hinder
 me from having an empty stomach, during the rest of the day I trifle in my own house. This is
 the life of those who are free from wretched and burthensome ambition: with such things as
 these I comfort myself, in a way to live more delightfully than if my grandfather had been a
 quaestor, and father and uncle too.

IN what manner the mongrel Persius revenged the filth and venom of Rupilius, surnamed King, is I think known to all the
 blind men and barbers. This Persius, being a man of fortune, had very great business at
 Clazomenae, and, into the bargain, certain troublesome litigations wtth King; a hardened
 fellow, and one who was able to exceed even King in virulence; confident, blustering, of such
 a bitterness of speech, that he would outstrip the Sisennae and Barri, if ever so well equipped. 
 I return to King. After nothing could be settled betwixt them (for people among whom adverse
 war breaks out, are proportionably vexatious on the same account as they are brave. Thus
 between Hector, the son of Priam, and the highspirited Achilles, the rage was of so capital a
 nature, that only the final destruction [of one of them] could determine it; on no other
 account, than that valor in each of them was consummate. If discord sets two cowards to work;
 or if an engagement happens between two that are not of a match, as that of Diomed and the
 Lycian Glaucus; the worse man will walk off, [buying his peace] by voluntarily sending
 presents), when Brutus held as praetor the fertile Asia , this pair, Rupilius and
 Persius, encountered; in such a manner, that [the gladiators] Bacchius and Bithus were not better matched. Impetuous they hurry to the cause, each of them a fine sight. 
 Persius opens his case; and is laughed at by all the assembly; he extols Brutus, and extols
 the guard; he styles Brutus the sun of Asia , and his
 attendants he styles salutary stars, all except King; that he [he says,] came like that dog,
 the constellation hateful to husbandman: he poured along like a wintery flood, where the ax
 seldom comes. 
 Then, upon his running on in so smart and fluent a manner, the Praenestine [king] directs
 some witticisms squeezed from the vineyard, himself a hardy vine-dresser, never defeated, to whom the passenger had often been
 obliged to yield, bawling cuckoo with roaring voice. 
 But the Grecian Persius, as soon as he had been well sprinkled with Italian vinegar, bellows
 out: O Brutus, by the great gods I conjure you, who are accustomed to take off kings, why do you not dispatch this King? Believe me, this is a piece of work which of right
 belongs to you.

FORMERLY I was the trunk of a wild fig-tree, an useless log: when the artificer, in doubt whether he should make a stool or a Priapus of me,
 determined that I should be a god. Henceforward I became a god, the greatest terror of thieves
 and birds: for my right hand restrains thieves, and a bloodylooking pole stretched out from my
 frightful middle: but a reed fixed upon the crown of my head terrifies the mischievous birds,
 and hinders them from settling in these new gardens. Before this the fellow-slave bore dead corpses thrown out of their narrow cells to
 this place, in order to be deposited in paltry coffins. This place stood a common sepulcher
 for the miserable mob, for the buffoon Pantolabus, and Nomentanus the rake. Here a column
 assigned a thousand feet [of ground] in front, and three hundred toward the fields: that the burial-place
 should not descend to the heirs of the estate. Now one may live in the Esquiliae, [since it is made] a healthy place; and walk upon an open terrace, where lately the
 melancholy passengers beheld the ground frightful with white bones; though both the thieves
 and wild beasts accustomed to infest this place, do not occasion me so much care and trouble,
 as do [these hags], that turn people's minds by their incantations and drugs. These I can not
 by any means destroy nor hinder, but that they will gather bones and noxious herbs, as soon as
 the fleeting moon has shown her beauteous face. 
 I myself saw Canidia, with her sable garment tucked up, walk with bare feet and disheveled
 hair, yelling together with the elder Sagana. Paleness had rendered both of them horrible to
 behold. They began to claw up the earth with their nails, and to tear a black ewe-lamb to
 pieces with their teeth. 
 The blood was poured into a ditch, that thence they might charm out the shades of the dead, ghosts that were to give them answers. There was a woolen effigy too, another of wax: the woolen one larger, which was to inflict punishment on the
 little one The waxen stood in a suppliant posture, as ready to perish in a servile manner. One of
 the hags invokes Hecate, and the other fell Tisiphone. Then might you see serpents and
 infernal bitches wander about; and the moon with blushes hiding behind the lofty monuments, that she
 might not be a witness to these doings. But if I lie, even a tittle, may my head be
 contaminated with the white filth of ravens; and may Julius , and the effeminate Miss Pediatous, and the knave Voranus, come to water upon me, and befoul me. Why should I mention
 every particular? viz. in what manner, speaking alternately with Sagana, the ghosts uttered
 dismal and piercing shrieks; and how by stealth they laid in the earth a wolf's beard, with
 the teeth of a spotted snake; and how a great blaze flamed forth from the waxen image? And how
 I was shocked at the voices and actions of these two furies, a spectator however by no means
 incapable of revenge? For from my cleft body of fig-tree wood I uttered a loud noise with as great an explosion as a burst bladder. But they
 ran into the city: and with exceeding laughter and diversion might you have seen Canidia's
 artificial teeth, and Sagana's towering tete of false hair falling off, and the herbs, and the
 enchanted bracelets from her arms.

I was accidentally going along the Via Sacra, meditating on some trifle or other, as is my
 custom, and totally intent upon it. A certain person, known to me by name only, runs up; and,
 having seized my hand, "How do you do, my dearest fellow?" 
 "Tolerably well," say I, "as times go; and I wish you every thing you can desire." 
 When he still followed me; "Would you any thing?" said I to him. 
 But, "You know me," says he: "I am a man of learning." 
 "Upon that account," says I: "you will have more of my esteem." Wanting sadly to get away
 from him, sometimes I walked on apace, now and then I stopped, and I whispered something to my
 boy. When the sweat ran down to the bottom of my ankles. 0, said I to myself, Bolanus, how happy were you in a headpiece! 
 Meanwhile he kept prating on any thing that came uppermost, praised the streets, the city;
 and, when I made him no answer; "You want terribly," said he "to get away; I perceived it long
 ago; but you effect nothing. I shall still stick close to you; I shall follow you hence: where
 are you at present bound for?" 
 "There is no need for your being carried so much about: I want to see a person, who is
 unknown to you: he lives a great way off across the Tiber , just by Caesar's gardens." 
 "I have nothing to do, and I am not lazy; I will attend you thither." I hang down my ears
 like an ass of surly disposition, when a heavier load than ordinary is put upon his back. 
 He begins again: "If I am tolerably acquainted with myself, you will not esteem Viscus or
 Varius as a friend, more than me; for who can write more verses, or in a shorter time than I?
 Who can move his limbs with softer grace [in the dance]? And then I sing, so that even
 Hermogenes may envy." 
 Here there was an opportunity of interrupting him. "Have you a mother, [or any] relations
 that are interested in your welfare?" 
 "Not one have I; I have buried them all." 
 "Happy they! now I remain. Dispatch me: for the fatal moment is at hand, which an old
 Sabine sorceress, having shaken her divining
 urn, foretold when I was a boy; ‘This child, neither shall cruel poison, nor the
 hostile sword, nor pleurisy, nor cough, nor the crippling gout destroy: a babbler shall one
 day demolish him; if he be wise, let him avoid talkative people, as soon as he comes to man's
 estate.’"

One fourth of the day being now passed, we came to Vesta 's temple; and, as good luck would have it, he was obliged to appear to his
 recognizance; which unless he did, he must have lost his cause. 
 "If you love me," said he, "step in here a little." 
 "May I die! if I be either able to stand it out, or have any knowledge of the civil laws: and besides, I am in a hurry, you know
 whither." 
 "I am in doubt what I shall do," said he; "whether desert you or my cause." 
 "Me, I beg of you." 
 "I will not do it," said he; and began to take the lead of me. I (as it is difficult to
 contend with one's master) follow him. 
 "How stands it with Maecenas and you?" Thus he begins his prate again. "He is one of few
 intimates, and of a very wise way of thinking. No man ever made use of opportunity with more
 cleverness. You should have a powerful assistant, who could play an underpart, if you were disposed to recommend this man; may I perish,
 if you should not supplant all the rest!" 
 "We do not live there in the manner you imagine; there is not a house that is freer or more
 remote from evils of this nature. It is never of any disservice to me, that any particular
 person is wealthier or a better scholar than I am: every individual has his proper place." 
 "You tell me a marvelous thing, scarcely credible." 
 "But it is even so." 
 "You the more inflame my desires to be near his person." 
 "You need only be inclined to it: such is your merit, you will accomplish it: and he is
 capable of being won; and on that account the first access to him he makes difficult." 
 "I will not be wanting to myself; I will corrupt his servants with presents; if I am
 excluded to-day, I will not desist; I will seek opportunities; I will meet him in the public
 streets; I will wait upon him home. Life allows nothing to mortals without great labor." 
 While he was running on at this rate, lo! Fuscus Aristius comes up, a dear friend of mine,
 and one who knows the fellow well. We make a stop. 
 "Whence come you? whither are you going?" he asks and answers. I began to twitch him [by the
 elbow], and to take hold of his arms [that were affectedly] passive, nodding and distorting my
 eyes, that he might rescue me. Cruelly arch he laughs, and pretends not to take the hint:
 anger galled my liver. 
 "Certainly," [said I, "Fuscus,] you said that you wanted to communicate something to me in
 private." 
 "I remember it very well; but will tell it you at a better opportunity: to-day is the
 thirtieth sabbath. Would you affront the circumcised Jews?" 
 I reply, "I have no scruple [on that account]." 
 "But I have: I am something weaker, one of the multitude. You must forgive me: I will speak
 with you on another occasion." And has this sun arisen so disastrous upon me! The wicked rogue
 runs away, and leaves me under the knife. 
 But by luck his adversary met him: and, "Whither are you going, you infamous fellow?" roars
 he with a loud voice: and, "Do you witness the arrest?" 
 
 I assent. He hurries him into court: there is a great clamor on both sides, a mob from all
 parts. Thus Apollo preserved me.

To be sure I did say, that the verses of Lucilius did not run smoothly. Who is so foolish an admirer of Lucilius, that he would not own
 this? But the same writer is applauded in the same Satire, on account of his having lashed the town with great humor. Nevertheless granting him
 this, I will not therefore give up the other [considerations]; for at that rate I might even
 admire the farces of Laberius, as fine poems. Hence it is by no means sufficient to make an auditor grin with
 laughter: and yet there is some degree of merit even in this. There is need of conciseness
 that the sentence may run, and not embarrass itself with verbiage, that overloads the sated
 ear; and sometimes a grave, frequently jocose style is necessary, supporting the character one
 while of the orator, and [at another] of the poet, now and then that of a graceful rallier
 that curbs the force of his pleasantry and weakens it on purpose. For ridicule often decides
 matters of importance more effectually and in a better manner, than severity. Those poets by
 whom the ancient comedy was written, stood upon this [foundation], and in this are they worthy
 of imitation: whom neither the smooth-faced Hermogenes ever read, nor that baboon who is
 skilled in nothing but singing [the wanton compositions of] Calvus and Catullus. 
 But [Lucilius, say they,] did a great thing, when he intermixed Greek words with Latin. O
 late-learned dunces! What! do you think that arduous and admirable, which was done by Pitholeo
 the Rhodian? But [still they cry] the style elegantly composed of both tongues is the more
 pleasant, as if Falernian wine is mixed with Chian. When you make verses, I ask you this
 question; were you to undertake the difficult cause of the accused Petillius, would you (for
 instance), forgetful of your country and your father, while Pedius, Poplicola, and Corvinus' sweat through their causes in Latin, choose to intermix words borrowed from abroad,
 like the double-tongued Canusinian. And as for myself, who was born on this side the water, when.I was about making Greek
 verses; Romulus appearing to me after midnight, when dreams are true, forbade me in words to
 this effect; "You could not be guilty of more madness by carrying timber into a wood, than by
 desiring to throng in among the great crowds of Grecian writers." 
 While bombastical Alpinus murders Memnon, and while he deforms the muddy source of the Rhine , I amuse myself with these satires; which can neither be
 recited in the temple [of Apollo], as contesting for the prize when Tarpa presides as judge, nor can have a
 run over and over again represented in the theaters. You, O Fundanius, of all men breathing, are the most capable of prattling tales in a comic vein, how an
 artful courtesan and a Davus impose upon an old Chremes: Pollio sings the actions of kings in
 iambic measure; the sublime Varius composes the manly epic, in a manner that no one can
 equal: to Virgil the Muses, delighting in rural
 scenes, have granted the delicate and the elegant. It was this kind [of satiric writing], the
 Aticinian Varro and some others having attempted it without success, in which I may have some
 slight merit, inferior to the inventor: nor would I presume to pull off the [laurel] crown
 placed upon his brow with great applause.

But I said that he flowed muddily, frequently indeed bearing along more things which ought
 to be taken away than left. Be it so; do you, who are a scholar, find no fault with any thing
 in mighty Homer, I pray? Does the facetious Lucilius make no alterations in the tragedies of
 Accius? Does not he ridicule many of Ennius' verses, which are too light for the gravity [of
 the subject]? When he speaks of himself by no means as superior to what he blames. What should
 hinder me likewise, when I am reading the works of Lucilius, from inquiring whether it be his
 [genius], or the difficult nature of his subject, that will not suffer his verses to be more
 finished, and to run more smoothly than if some one, thinking it sufficient to conclude a
 something of six feet, be fond of writing two hundred verses before he eats, and as many after
 supper? Such was the genius of the Tuscan Cassius, more impetuous than a rapid river; who, as
 it is reported, was burned [at the funeral pile] with his own books and papers. Let it be allowed, I say, that Lucilius was a humorous and polite writer;
 that he was also more correct than [Ennius], the author of a kind of poetry [not yet] well cultivated, nor attempted by the Greeks, and [more
 correct likewise] than the tribe of our old poets: but yet he, if he had been brought down by
 the Fates to this age of ours, would have retrenched a great deal from his writings: he would
 have pruned off every thing that transgressed the limits of perfection; and, in the
 composition of verses, would often have scratched his head, and bit his nails to the quick. 
 You that intend to write what is worthy to be read more than once, blot frequently: and take
 no pains to make the multitude admire you, content with a few [judicious] readers. What, would
 you be such a fool as to be ambitious that your verses should be taught in petty schools? That
 is not my case. It is enough for me, that the knight [Maecenas] applauds: as the courageous
 actress, Arbuscula, expressed herself, in contempt of the rest of the audience, when she was
 hissed [by the populace]. What, shall that grubworm Pantilius have any effect upon me? Or can it vex me, that Demetrius carps at me behind my back?
 or because the trifler Fannius, that hanger-on to Hermogenes Tigellius, attempts to hurt me?
 May Plotius and Varius, Maecenas and Virgil , Valgius
 and Octavius approve these Satires, and the excellent Fuscus likewise; and I could wish that both
 the Visci would join in their commendations: ambition apart, I may mention you, O Pollio: you
 also, Messala, together with your brother; and at the same time, you, Bibulus and Servius; and
 along with these you, candid Furnius; many others whom, though men of learning and my friends,
 I purposely omit — to whom I could wish these Satires, such as they are, may give
 satisfaction; and I should be chagrined, if they pleased in a degree below my expectation.
 You, Demetrius, and you, Tigellius, I bid lament among the forms of your female pupils. 
 Go, boy, and instantly annex this Satire to the end of my book.

Cervius, when he is offended, threatens one with the laws and the [judiciary] urn; Canidia,
 Albutius' poison to those with whom she is at enmity; Turius [threatens] great damages, if you
 contest any thing while he is judge. How every animal terrifies those whom he suspects, with that in which he is most powerful, and how
 strong natural instinct commands this, thus infer with me.—The wolf attacks with his
 teeth, the bull with his horns. From what principle is this, if not a suggestion from within?
 Intrust that debauchee Scaeva with the custody of his ancient mother; his pious hand will
 commit no outrage. A wonder indeed! just as the wolf does not attack any one with his hoof,
 nor the bull with his teeth; but the deadly hemlock in the poisoned honey will take off the
 old dame. 
 That I may not be tedious, whether a placid old age awaits me, or whether death now hovers
 about me with his sable wings; rich or poor, at Rome 
 or (if fortune should so order it) an exile abroad; whatever be the complexion of my life, I
 will write. O my child, I fear you can not be long-lived; and that some creature of the great
 ones will strike you with the cold of death. What? when Lucilius had the courage to be the first in composing verses after this
 manner, and to pull off that mask, by means of which each man strutted in public view with a fair outside, though foul
 within; was Laelius, and he who derived a well-deserved title from the destruction of
 Carthage , offended at his wit, or were they hurt at
 Metellus being lashed, or Lupus covered over with his
 lampoons? But he took to task the heads of the people, and the people themselves, class by
 class; in short, he spared none but virtue and her friends. Yet, when the valorous Scipio , and the mild philosophical Laelius, had withdrawn
 themselves from the crowd and the public scene, they used to divert themselves with him, and
 joke in a free manner, while a few vegetables were boiled [for supper]. Of whatever rank I am,
 though below the estate and wit of Lucilius, yet envy must be obliged to own that I have lived
 well with great men; and, wanting to fasten her tooth upon some weak part, will strike it
 against the solid: unless you, learned Trebatius, disapprove of any thing [I have said]. For my part, I
 can not make any objection to this. But however, that forewarned you may be upon your guard,
 lest an ignorance of our sacred laws should bring you into trouble, [be sure of this:] if any
 person shall make scandalous verses against a particular man, an action lies, and a sentence.
 Granted, if they are scandalous: but if a man composes good ones, and is praised by such a
 judge as Caesar If a man barks only at him who deserves his invectives, while he himself is
 unblamable? The process will be canceled with laughter: and you, being dismissed, may depart in peace.

In the judgment of Ofellus, a sordid way of living will differ widely from frugal
 simplicity. For it is to no purpose for you to shun that vice [of luxury]; if you perversely
 fly to the contrary extreme. Avidienus, to whom the nickname of Dog is applied with propriety,
 eats olives of five years old, and wild cornels, and can not bear to rack off his wine unless
 it be turned sour, and the smell of his oil you can not endure: which (though clothed in white
 he celebrates the wedding festival, his birth-day, or any other festal days) he pours out himself by little and little
 from a horn cruet, that holds two pounds, upon his cabbage, [but at the same time] is lavish
 enough of his old vinegar. 
 What manner of living therefore shall the wise man put in practice, and which of these
 examples shall he copy? On one side the wolf presses on, and the dog on the other, as the
 saying is. A person will be accounted decent, if he offends not by sordidness, and is not
 despicable through either extreme of conduct. Such a man will not, after the example of old
 Albutius, be savage while he assigns to his servants their respective offices; nor, like
 simple Naevius, will he offer greasy water to his company: for this too is a great fault. 
 Now learn what and how great benefits a temperate diet will bring along with it. In the
 first place, you will enjoy good health; for you may believe how detrimental a diversity of
 things is to any man, when you recollect that sort of food, which by its simplicity sat so
 well upon your stomach some time ago. But, when you have once mixed boiled and roast together,
 thrushes and shell-fish; the sweet juices will turn to bile, and the thick phlegm will bring a
 jarring upon the stomach. Do not you see, how pale each guest rises from a perplexing variety
 of dishes at an entertainment. Beside this, the body, overloaded with the debauch of
 yesterday, depresses the mind along with it, and dashes to the earth that portion of the
 divine spirit. Another man, as soon as he has taken a quick repast, and rendered up his limbs to
 repose, rises vigorous to the duties of his calling. However, he may sometimes have recourse
 to better cheer; whether the returning year shall bring on a festival, or if he have a mind to
 refresh his impaired body; and when years shall approach, and feeble age require to be used
 more tenderly. But as for you, if a troublesome habit of body, or creeping old age, should
 come upon you, what addition can be made to that soft indulgence, which you, now in youth and
 in health, anticipate?

Our ancestors praised a boar when it was stale: not because they had no noses; but with this
 view, I suppose, that a visitor coming later than ordinary [might partake of it], though a
 little musty, rather than the voracious master should devour it all himself while sweet. I
 wish that the primitive earth had produced me among such heroes as these. 
 Have you any regard for reputation, which affects the human ear more agreeably than music?
 Great turbots and dishes bring great disgrace along with them, together with expense. Add to
 this, that your relations and neighbors will be exasperated at you, while you will be at
 enmity with yourself and desirous of death in vain, since you will not in your poverty have
 three farthings left to purchase a rope withal. Trausius, you say, may with justice be called
 to account in such language as this; but I possess an ample revenue, and wealth sufficient for
 three potentates. Why then have you no better method of expending your superfluities? Why is
 any man, undeserving [of distressed circumstances], in want, while you abound? How comes it to
 pass, that the ancient temples of the gods are falling to ruin? Why do not you, wretch that
 you are, bestow something on your dear country, out of so vast a hoard? What, will matters
 always go well with you alone? 0 thou, that hereafter shalt be the great derision of thine
 enemies! which of the two shall depend upon himself in exigences with most certainty? He who
 has used his mind and high-swollen body to redundancies; or he who, contented with a little
 and provident for the future, like a wise man in time of peace, shall make the necessary
 preparations for war? 
 That you may the more readily give credit to these things: I myself, when a little boy, took
 notice that this Ofellus did not use his unencumbered estate more profusely, than he does now
 it is reduced. You may see the sturdy husbandman laboring for hire in the land [once his own,
 but now] assigned [to others], with his cattle and children, talking to this effect; I never ventured to eat any
 thing on a work-day except pot-herbs, with a hock of smoke-dried bacon. And when a friend came
 to visit me after a long absence, or a neighbor, an acceptable guest to me resting from work
 on account of the rain, we lived well; not on fishes fetched from the city, but on a pullet
 and a kid: then a dried grape, and a nut, with a large fig, set off our second course. After this, it was our diversion to have no other
 regulation in our cups, save that against drinking to excess: then Ceres worshiped [with a libation], that
 the corn might arise in lofty stems, smoothed with wine the melancholy of the contracted brow.
 Let fortune rage, and stir up new tumults: what can she do more to impair my estate? How much
 more savingly have either I lived, or how much less neatly have you gone, my children, since
 this new possessor came? For nature has appointed to be lord of this earthly property, neither
 him, nor me, nor any one. He drove us out: either iniquity or ignorance in the quirks of the
 law shall [do the same by] him: certainly in the end his long-lived heir shall expel him. Now
 this field under the denomination of Umbrenus', lately it was Ofellus', the perpetual property
 of no man; for it turns to my use one while, and by and by to that of another. Wherefore, live
 undaunted; and oppose gallant breasts against the strokes of adversity.

The school and sect of Chrysippus deem every man mad, whom vicious folly or the ignorance of truth drives blindly
 forward. This definition takes in whole nations, this even great kings, the wise man [alone]
 excepted. Now learn, why all those, who have fixed the name of madman upon you, are as
 senseless as yourself. As in the woods, where a mistake makes people wander about from the
 proper path; one goes out of the way to the right; another to the left; there is the same
 blunder on both sides, only the illusion is in different directions: in this manner imagine
 yourself mad; so that he, who derides you, hangs his tail, not one jot wiser than yourself. There is one species of folly, that dreads things not
 in the least formidable; insomuch that it will complain of fires, and rocks, and rivers
 opposing it in the open plain; there is another different from this, but not a whit more
 approaching to wisdom, that runs headlong through the midst of flames and floods. Let the
 loving mother, the virtuous sister, the father, the wife, together with all the relations [of
 a man possessed with this latter folly], cry out: "Here is a deep ditch; here is a prodigious
 rock; take care of yourself:" he would give no more attention, than did the drunken
 Fufius some time ago, when he overslept the character of Ilione, twelve hundred Catieni at
 the same time roaring out, O mother, I call you to my aid. I will demonstrate to you, that the
 generality of all mankind are mad in the commission of some folly similar to this. 
 Damasippus is mad for purchasing antique statues: but is Damasippus' creditor in his senses?
 Well, suppose I should say to you: receive this, which you can never repay: will you be a madman, if you receive it; or would you be
 more absurd for rejecting a booty, which propitious Mercury offers? Take bond, like the banker Nerius, for ten thousand sesterces; it will not signify: add the forms
 of Cicuta, so versed in the knotty points of law: add a thousand obligations: yet this wicked
 Proteus will evade all these ties. When you shall drag him to justice, laughing as if his
 cheeks were none of his own; he will be transformed into a boar, sometimes into a bird, sometimes into a stone, and
 when he pleases into a tree. If to conduct one's affairs badly be the part of a the madman;
 and the reverse, that of a man well in his senses; brain of Perillius (believe me), who orders
 you [that sum of money], which you can never repay, is much more unsound [than yours].

Whoever grows pale with evil ambition, or the love of money: whoever is heated with luxury,
 or gloomy superstition, or any other disease of the mind, I command him to adjust his garment
 and attend: hither, all of ye, come near me in order, while I convince you that you are mad. 
 By far the largest portion of hellebore is to be administered to the covetous: I know not,
 whether reason does not consign all Anticyra to their use. The heirs of Staberius engraved the
 sum [which he left them] upon his tomb: unless they had acted in this manner, they were under
 an obligation to exhibit a hundred pair of gladiators to the people, beside an entertainment
 according to the direction of Arrius; and as much corn as is cut in Africa . Whether I have willed this rightly or wrongly, it was
 my will; be not severe against me, [cries the testator]. I imagine the provident mind of
 Staberius foresaw this. What then did he mean, when he appointed by will that his heirs should
 engrave the sum of their patrimony upon his tomb-stone? As long as he lived, he deemed poverty
 a great vice, and nothing did he more industriously avoid: insomuch that, had he died less
 rich by one farthing, the more iniquitous would he have appeared to himself. For every thing,
 virtue, fame, glory, divine and human affairs, are subservient to the attraction of riches;
 which whoever shall have accumulated, shall be illustrious, brave, just — What, wise
 too? Ay, and a king, and whatever else he pleases. This he was in hopes would greatly redound
 to his praise, as if it had been an acquisition of his virtue. In what respect did the Grecian
 Aristippus act like this; who ordered his slaves to throw away his gold in the midst of
 Libya ; because, encumbered with the burden, they
 traveled too slowly? Which is the greater madman of these two? An example is nothing to the
 purpose, that decides one controversy by creating another. If any person were to buy lyres,
 and [when he had bought them] to stow them in one place, though neither addicted to the lyre
 nor to any one muse whatsoever: if a man were [to buy] paring-knives and lasts, and were no
 shoemaker; sails fit for navigation, and were averse to merchandising; he would every where
 deservedly be styled delirious, and out of his senses. How does he differ from these, who
 hoards up cash and gold [and] knows not how to use them when accumulated, and is afraid to
 touch them as if they were consecrated? If any person before a great heap of corn should keep
 perpetual watch with a long club, and, though the owner of it, and hungry, should not dare to
 take a single grain from it; and should rather feed upon bitter leaves: if, while a thousand
 hogsheads of Chian, or old Falernian, is stored up within (nay, that is nothing —
 three hundred thousand), he drink nothing, but what is mere sharp vinegar: again —
 if, wanting but one year of eighty, he should lie upon straw, who has bed-clothes rotting in
 his chest, the food of worms and moths; he would seem mad, belike, but to few persons: because
 the greatest part of mankind labors under the same malady.

Thou dotard, hateful to the gods, dost thou guard [these possessions], for fear of wanting
 .thyself: to the end that thy son, or even the freedman thy heir, should guzzle it all up For
 how little will each day deduct from your capital, if you begin to pour better oil upon your
 greens and your head, filthy with scurf not combed out? If any thing be a sufficiency,
 wherefore are you guilty of perjury [wherefore] do you rob, and plunder from all quarters? Are
 you in your senses? If you were to begin to pelt the populace with stones, and the slaves,
 which you purchased with your money; all the very boys and girls will cry out that you are a
 madman. When you dispatch your wife with a rope, and your mother with poison, are you right in
 your head? Why not? You neither did this at Argos ,
 nor slew your mother with the sword as the mad Orestes did. What, do you imagine that he ran
 mad after lie had murdered his parent; and that he was not driven mad by the wicked Furies,
 before he warmed his sharp steel in his mother's throat? Nay, from the time that Orestes is
 deemed to have been of a dangerous disposition, he did nothing in fact that you can blame; he
 did not dare to offer violence with his sword to Pylades, nor to his sister Electra; he only
 gave ill language to both of them, by calling her a Fury, and him some other [opprobrious
 name], which his violent choler suggested. 
 Opimius, poor amid silver and gold hoarded up within, who used to drink out of Campanian
 ware Veientine wine on holidays, and mere dregs on common days, was some time ago taken with a
 prodigious lethargy; insomuch that his heir was already scouring about his coffers and keys,
 in joy and triumph. His physician, a man of much dispatch and fidelity, raises him in this
 manner: he orders a table to be brought, and the bags of money to be poured out, and several
 persons to approach in order to count it: by this method he sets the man upon his legs again.
 And at the same time he addresses him to this effect. Unless you guard your money your
 ravenous heir will even now carry off these [treasures] of yours. What, while I am alive? That
 you may live, therefore, awake; do this. What would you have me do? Why your blood will fail
 you that are so much reduced, unless food and some great restorative be administered to your
 decaying stomach. Do you hesitate? come on; take this ptisan made of rice. How much did it cost? A trifle. How much then? Eight asses. Alas! what
 does it matter, whether I die of a disease, or by theft and rapine? 
 Who then is sound? He, who is not a fool. What is the covetous man? Both a fool and a
 madman. What — if a man be not covetous, is he immediately [to be deemed] sound? By
 no means. Why so, Stoic? I will tell you. Such a patient (suppose Craterus [the physician]
 said this) is not sick at the heart. Is he therefore well, and shall he get up? No, he will
 forbid that; because his side or his reins are harassed with an acute disease. [In like
 manner], such a man is not perjured, nor sordid; let him then sacrifice a hog to his
 propitious household gods. But he is ambitious and assuming. Let him make a voyage [then] to
 Anticyra. For what is the difference, whether you fling whatever you have into a gulf, or make
 no use of your acquisitions?

Servius Oppidius, rich in the possession of an ancient estate, is reported when dying to
 have divided two farms at Canusium between his two
 sons, and to have addressed the boys, called to his bed-side, [in the following manner]: When
 I saw you, Aulus, carry your playthings and nuts carelessly in your bosom, [and] to give them
 and game them away; you, Tiberius, count them, and anxious hide them in holes; I was afraid
 lest a madness of a different nature should possess you: lest you [Aulus], should follow the
 example of Nomentanus, you, [Tiberius], that of Cicuta. Wherefore each of you, entreated by
 our household gods, do you (Aulus) take care lest you lessen; you (Tiberius) lest you make
 that greater, which your father thinks and the purposes of nature determine to be sufficient.
 Further, lest glory should entice you, I will bind each of you by an oath: whichever of you
 shall be an aedile or a praetor, let him be excommunicated and accursed. Would you destroy
 your effects in [largesses of] peas, beans, and lupines, that you may stalk in the circus at large, or stand in a statue of brass, O madman,
 stripped of your paternal estate, stripped of your money To the end, forsooth, that you may
 gain those applauses, which Agrippa gains, like a cunning fox imitating a generous lion? 
 O Agamemnon, why do you prohibit any one from burying Ajax? I am a king. I, a plebeian, make no further inquiry. And I command a just thing: but, if I seem unjust to any one,
 I permit you to speak your sentiments with impunity. Greatest of kings, may the gods grant
 that, after the taking of Troy , you may conduct your
 fleet safe home: may I then have the liberty to ask questions, and reply in my turn? 
 Ask. Why does Ajax, the second hero after Achilles, rot [above ground], so often renowned
 for having saved the Grecians; that Priam and Priam's people may exult in his being unburied,
 by whose means so many youths have been deprived of their country's rites of sepulture. In his
 madness he killed a thousand sheep, crying out that he was destroying the famous Ulysses and
 Menelaus, together with me. When you at Aulis 
 substituted your sweet daughter in the place of a heifer before the altar, and, O impious one,
 sprinkled her head with the salt cake; did you preserve soundness of mind? Why do you ask?
 What then did the mad Ajax do, when he slew the flock with his sword? He abstained from any
 violence to his wife and child, though he had imprecated many curses on the sons of Atreus: he
 neither hurt Teucer, nor even Ulysses himself. But I, out of prudence, appeased the gods with
 blood, that I might loose the ships detained on an adverse shore. Yes, madman! with your own
 blood. With my own [indeed], but I was not mad. Whoever shall form images foreign from
 reality, and confused in the tumult of impiety, will always be reckoned disturbed in mind: and it will not matter, whether he go wrong
 through folly or through rage. Is Ajax delirious, while he kills the harmless lambs? Are you
 right in your head, when you willfully commit a crime for empty titles? 
 And is your heart pure, while it is swollen with the vice? If any person should take a delight to carry about with him in his sedan a pretty
 lambkin; and should provide clothes, should provide maids and gold for it, as for a daughter;
 should call it Rufa and Rufilla, and should destine it a wife for some stout husband; the
 praetor would take power from him being interdicted, and the management of him would devolve
 to his relations, that were in their senses. What, if a man devote his daughter instead of a
 dumb lambkin, is he right of mind? Never say it. Therefore, wherever there is a foolish
 depravity, there will be the height of madness. He who is wicked, will be frantic too:
 Bellona, who delights in bloodshed, has thundered about him, whom precarious fame has
 captivated.

Now, come on, arraign with me luxury and Nomentanus; for reason will evince that foolish
 spendthrifts are mad. This fellow, as soon as he received a thousand talents of patrimony,
 issues an order that the fishmonger, the fruiterer, the poulterer, the perfumer, and the
 impious gang of the Tuscan alley, sausage-maker, and buffoons, the whole shambles, together
 with [all] Velabrum, should come to his house in the morning. What was the consequence? They
 came in crowds. 
 The pander makes a speech: "Whatever I, or whatever each of these has at home, believe it to
 be yours: and give your order for it either directly, or to-morrow." Hear what reply the
 considerate youth made: "You sleep booted in Lucanian snow, that I may feast on a boar: you
 sweep the wintery seas for fish: I am indolent, and unworthy to possess so much. Away with it:
 do you take for your share ten hundred thousand sesterces; you as much; you thrice the sum,
 from whose house your spouse runs, when called for, at midnight." 
 The son of Aesopus, [the actor] (that he might, forsooth, swallow a million of sesterces at
 a draught), dissolved in vinegar a precious pearl, which he had taken from the ear of Metella:
 how much wiser was he [in doing this,] than if he had thrown the same into a rapid river, or
 the common sewer? The progeny of Quintius Arrius, an illustrious pair of brothers, twins in
 wickedness and trifling and the love of depravity, used to dine upon nightingales bought at a
 vast expense: to whom do these belong? Are they in their senses? Are they to be marked with
 chalk, or with charcoal? 
 
 If an [aged person] with a long beard should take a delight to build baby-houses, to yoke
 mice to a go-cart, to play at odd and even, to ride upon a long cane, madness must be his
 motive. If reason shall evince, that to be in love is a more childish thing than these; and
 that there is no difference whether you play the same games in the dust as when three years
 old, or whine in anxiety for the love of a harlot: I beg to know, if you will act as the
 reformed Polemon did of old? Will you lay aside those ensigns of your disease, your rollers, your
 mantle, your mufflers; as he in his cups is said to have privately torn the chaplet from his
 neck, after he was corrected by the speech of his fasting master? When you offer apples to an
 angry boy, he refuses them: here, take them, you little dog; he denies you: if you don't give
 them, he wants them. In what does an excluded lover differ [from such a boy]; when he argues
 with himself whether he should go or not to that very place whither he was returning without
 being sent for, and cleaves to the hated doors? "What shall I not go to her now, when she
 invites me of her own accord? or shall I rather think of putting an end to my pains? She has
 excluded me; she recalls me: shall I return? No, not if she would implore me." Observe the
 servant, not a little wiser: "0 master, that which has neither moderation nor conduct, can not
 be guided by reason or method. In love these evils are inherent; war [one while], then peace
 again. If any one should endeavor to ascertain these things, that are various as the weather,
 and fluctuating by blind chance; he will make no more of it, than if he should set about
 raving by right reason and rule." Whatwhen, picking the pippins from the Picenian apples, you rejoice if haply you have hit the vaulted roof; are you
 yourself? What-when you strike out faltering accents from your antiquated palate, how much
 wiser are you than [a child] that builds little houses To the folly [of love] add bloodshed,
 and stir the fire with a sword. I ask you, when Marius lately, after he had stabbed Hellas , threw himself down a precipice, was he raving mad? Or will you absolve
 the man from the imputation of a disturbed mind, and condemn him for the crime, according to
 your custom, imposing on things names that have an affinity in signification?

There was a certain freedman, who, an old man, ran about the streets in a morning fasting,
 with his hands washed, and prayed thus: "Snatch me alone from death" (adding some solemn vow),
 "me alone, for it is an easy matter for the gods:" this man was sound in both his ears and
 eyes; but his master, when he sold him, would except his understanding, unless he were fond of
 law-suits. This crowd too Chrysippus places in the fruitful family of Menenius. 
 O Jupiter , who givest and takest away great
 afflictions, (cries the mother of a boy, now lying sick a-bed for five months), if this cold
 quartan ague should leave the child, in the morning of that day on which you enjoin a
 fast, he shall stand naked in the Tiber . Should
 chance or the physician relieve the patient from his imminent danger, the infatuated mother
 will destroy [the boy] placed on the cold bank, and will bring back the fever. With what
 disorder of the mind is she stricken? Why, with a superstitious fear of the gods. These arms
 Stertinius, the eighth of the wise men, gave to me, as to a friend, that for the future I
 might not be roughly accosted without avenging myself. Whosoever shall call me madman, shall
 hear as much from me [in return]; and shall learn to look back upon the bag that hangs behind
 him. 0 Stoic, so may you, after your damage, sell all your merchandise the better: what
 folly (for, it seems,] there are more kinds than one) do you think I am infatuated with? For
 to myself I seem sound. What-when mad Agave carries the amputated head of her unhappy son,
 does she then seem mad to herself? I allow myself a fool (let me yield to the truth) and a
 madman likewise: only declare this, with what distemper of mind you think me afflicted. Hear,
 then: in the first place you build; that is, though from top to bottom you are but of the
 two-foot size you imitate the tall: and you, the same person, laugh at the spirit and strut of
 Turbo in armor, too great for his [little] body: how
 are you less ridiculous than him? What-is it fitting that, in every thing Maecenas does, you,
 who are so very much unlike him and so much his inferior, should vie with him? The young ones
 of a frog being in her absence crushed by the foot of a calf, when one of them had made his
 escape, he told his mother what a huge beast had dashed his brethren to pieces. She began to
 ask, how big? Whether it were so great? puffing herself up. Greater by half. What, so big?
 when she had swelled herself more and more. If you should burst yourself, says he, you will
 not be equal to it. This image bears no great dissimilitude to you. Now add poems (that is,
 add oil to the fire), which if ever any man in his senses made, why so do you. I do not
 mention your horrid rage. At length, have done — your way of living beyond your
 fortune — confine yourself to your own affairs, Damasippus — those
 thousand passions for the fair, the young. Thou greater madman, at last, spare thy inferior.

There are some, whose genius invents nothing but new kinds of pastry. To waste one's care
 upon one thing, is by no means sufficient; just as if any person should use all his endeavors
 for this only, that the wine be not bad; quite careless what oil he pours upon his fish. If
 you set out Massic wine in fair weather, should there be any thing thick in it, it will be attenuated by
 the nocturnal air, and the smell unfriendly to the nerves will go off: but, if filtrated
 through linen, it will lose its entire flavor. He, who skillfully mixes the Surrentine. wine
 with Falernian lees, collects the sediment with a pigeon's egg: because the yelk sinks to the
 bottom, rolling down with it all the heterogeneous parts. You may rouse the jaded toper with
 roasted shrimps and African cockles; for lettuce after wine floats upon the soured stomach: by
 ham preferably, and by sausages, it craves to be restored to its appetite: nay, it will prefer
 every thing which is brought smoking hot from the nasty eating-houses. It is worth while to be
 acquainted with the two kinds of sauce. The simple consists of sweet oil; which it will be
 proper to mix with rich wine and pickle, but with no other pickle than that by which the
 Byzantine jar has been tainted. When this, mingled with shredded herbs, has boiled, and
 sprinkled with Corycian saffron, has stood, you shall over and above add what the pressed
 berry of the Venafran olive yields. The Tiburtian yield to the Picenian apples in juice,
 though they excel in look. The Venusian grape is proper for [preserving in] pots. The Albanian
 you had better harden in the smoke. I am found to be the first that served up this grape with
 apples in neat little side-plates, to be the first [likewise that served up] wine-lees and
 herring-brine, and white pepper finely mixed with black salt. It is an enormous fault to
 bestow three thousand sesterces on the fish-market, and then to cramp the roving fishes in a
 narrow dish. It causes a great nausea in the stomach, if even the slave touches the cup with
 greasy hands, while he licks up snacks, or if offensive grime has adhered to the ancient
 goblet. In trays, in mats, in sawdust, [that are so] cheap, what great expense can there be?
 But, if they are neglected, it is a heinous shame. What, should you sweep Mosaic pavements
 with a dirty broom made of palm, and throw Tyrian carpets over the unwashed furniture of your
 couch! forgetting, that by how much less care and expense these things are attended, so much
 the more justly may [the want of them] be censured, than of those things which can not be
 obtained but at the tables of the rich? 
 Learned Catius, entreated by our friendship and the gods, remember to introduce me to an
 audience [with this great man], whenever you shall go to him. For, though by your memory you
 relate every thing to me, yet as a relater you can not delight me in so high a degree. Add to
 this the countenance and deportment of the man; whom you, happy in having seen, do not much
 regard, because it has been your lot: but I have no small solicitude, that I may approach the
 distant fountain-heads, and imbibe the precepts of [such] a blessed life.

What, art thou in a [prophetic] raving; or dust thou play upon me designedly, by uttering
 obscurities? 0 son of Laertes, whatever I shall say will come to pass, or it will not: for the great Apollo gives me the power to divine. Then, if it is proper, relate what
 that tale means. 
 At that time when the youth dreaded by the Parthians, an offspring derived from the noble
 Aeneas, shall be mighty by land and sea; the tall daughter of Nasica, averse to pay the sum
 total of his debt, shall wed the stout Coranus. Then the son-in-law shall proceed thus: he
 shall deliver his will to his father-in-law, and entreat him to read it; Nasica will at length
 receive it, after it has been several times refused, and silently peruse it; and will find no
 other legacy left to him and his, except leave to lament. 
 To these [directions I have already given], I subjoin the [following]: if haply a cunning
 woman or a freedman have the management of an old driveler, join with them as an associate:
 praise them, that you may be praised in your absence. This too is of service; but to storm
 [the capital] itself excels this method by far. Shall he, a dotard, scribble wretched verses?
 Applaud them. Shall he be given to pleasure? Take care [you do not suffer him] to ask you: of
 your own accord complaisantly deliver up your Penelope to him, as preferable [to yourself].
 What-do you think so sober and so chaste a woman can be brought over, whom [so many] wooers
 could not divert from the right course? Because, forsooth, a parcel of young fellows
 came, who were too parsimonious to give a great price, nor so much desirous of an amorous
 intercourse, as of the kitchen. So far your Penelope is a good woman: who, had she once tasted
 of one old [doting gallant], and shared with you the profit, like a hound, will never be
 frighted away from the reeking skin [of the new-killed game]. 
 What I am going to tell you happened when I was an old man. A wicked hag at Thebes was, according to her will, carried forth in this manner: her heir bore her corpse, anointed with a large quantity of oil, upon
 his naked shoulders; with the intent that, if possible, she might escape from him even when
 dead: because, I imagine, he had pressed upon her too much when living. Be cautious in your
 addresses: neither be wanting in your pains, nor immoderately exuberant. By garrulity you will
 offend the splenetic and morose. You must not, however, be too silent. Be Davus in the play;
 and stand with your head on one side, much like one who is in great awe. Attack him with
 complaisance: if the air freshens, advise him carefully to cover up his precious head:
 disengage him from the crowd by opposing your shoulders to it: closely attach your ear to him,
 if chatty. Is he immoderately fond of being praised? Pay him home, till he shall cry out, with
 his hands lifted up to heaven, "Enough:" and puff up the swelling bladder with tumid speeches.
 When he shall have [at last] released you from your long servitude and anxiety; and being
 certainly awake, you shall hear [this article in his will]? "Let Ulysses be heir to one fourth
 of my estate:" "is then my companion Damas now no
 more? Where shall I find one so brave and so faithful?" Throw out something of this kind]
 every now and then: and if you can a little, weep for him. It is fit to disguise your
 countenance, which [otherwise] would betray your joy. As for the monument, which is left to
 your own discretion, erect it without meanness. The neighborhood will commend the funeral
 handsomely performed. If haply any of your co-heirs, being advanced in years, should have a
 dangerous cough; whether he has a mind to be a purchaser of a farm or a house out of your
 share, tell him, you will [come to any terms he shall propose, and] make it over to him gladly
 for a trifling sum. But the imperious Proserpine drags me hence. Live, and prosper.

Among things of this nature the day is wasted by me, mortified as I am, not without such
 wishes as these: 0 rural retirement, when shall I behold thee? and when shall it be in my
 power to pass through the pleasing oblivion of a life full of solicitude, one while with the
 books of the ancients, another while in sleep and leisure? 0 when shall the bean related to
 Pythagoras, and at the same time herbs well larded with fat bacon, be set before me? O evenings,
 and suppers fit for gods! with which I and my friends regale ourselves in the presence of my
 household gods; and feed my saucy slaves with viands, of which libations have been made. The
 guest, according to every one's inclination, takes off the glasses of different sizes, free
 from mad laws: whether one of a strong constitution chooses hearty bumpers; or another more
 joyously gets mellow with moderate ones. Then conversation arises, not concerning other
 people's villas and houses, nor whether Lepos dances well or not; but we debate on what is
 more to our purpose, and what it is pernicious not to know-whether men are made happier by
 riches or by virtue; or what leads us into intimacies, interest or moral rectitude; and what
 is the nature of good, and what its perfection. Meanwhile, my neighbor Cervius prates away old
 stories relative to the subject. For, if any one ignorantly commends the troublesome riches of
 Aurelius, he thus begins: "On a time a countrymouse is reported to have received a city-mouse
 into his poor cave, an old host, his old acquaintance; a blunt fellow and attentive to his
 acquisitions, yet so as he could [on occasion] enlarge his narrow soul in acts of hospitality.
 What need of many words? He neither grudged him the hoarded vetches, nor the long oats; and
 bringing in his mouth a dry plum, and nibbled scraps of bacon, presented them to him, being
 desirous by the variety of the supper to get the better of the daintiness of his guest, who
 hardly touched with his delicate tooth the several things: while the father of the family
 himself, extended on fresh straw, ate a spelt and darnel, leaving that which was better [for
 his guest]. At length the citizen addressing him, ‘Friend,’ says he,
 ‘what delight have you to live laboriously on the ridge of a rugged thicket? Will
 you not prefer men and the city to the savage woods? Take my advice, and go along with me:
 since mortal lives are allotted to all terrestrial animals, nor is there any escape from
 death, either for the great or the small. Wherefore, my good friend, while it is in your
 power, live happy in joyous circumstances: live mindful of how brief an existence you
 are.’ Soon as these speeches had wrought upon the peasant, he leaps nimbly from his
 cave: thence they both pursue their intended journey, being desirous to steal under the city
 walls by night. And now the night possessed the middle region of the heavens, when each of
 them set foot in a gorgeous palace, where carpets dyed with crimson grain glittered upon ivory
 couches, and many baskets of a magnificent entertainment remained, which had yesterday been
 set by in baskets piled upon one another. After he had placed the peasant then, stretched at
 ease, upon a splendid carpet; he bustles about like an adroit host, and keeps bringing up one
 dish close upon another, and with an affected civility performs all the ceremonies, first
 tasting of every thing he serves up. He, reclined, rejoices in the change of his situation,
 and acts the part of a boon companion in the good cheer: when on a sudden a prodigious
 rattling of the folding doors shook them both from their couches. Terrified they began to
 scamper all about the room, and more and more heartless to be in confusion, while the lofty
 house resounded with [the barking of] mastiff dogs; upon which, says the country-mouse,
 ‘I have no desire for a life like this; and so farewell: my wood and cave, secure
 from surprises, shall with homely tares comfort me.’"

Another man's wife captivates you; a harlot, Davus: which of us sins more deservingly of the
 cross? When keen nature inflames me, any common wench that picks me up, dismisses me neither
 dishonored, nor caring whether a richer or a handsomer man enjoys her next. You, when you have
 cast off your ensigns of dignity, your equestrian ring and your Roman habit, turn out from a
 magistrate a wretched Dama , hiding with a cape your perfumed head: are you not really what you personate? You are
 introduced, apprehensive [of consequences]; and, as you are altercating with your passions,
 your bones shake with fear. What is the difference whether you go condemned [like a
 gladiator], to be galled with scourges, or slain with the sword; or be closed up in a filthy chest, where [the maid],
 conscious of her mistress' crime, has stowed you? Has not the husband of the offending dame a
 just power over both; against the seducer even a juster? But she neither changes her dress,
 nor place, nor sins to that excess [which you do]; since the woman is in dread of you, nor
 gives any credit to you, though you profess to love her. You must go under the yoke knowingly,
 and put all your fortune, your life, and reputation, together with your limbs, into the power
 of an enraged husband. Have you escaped? I suppose, then, you will be afraid [for the future];
 and, being warned, will be cautious. No, you will seek occasion when you may be again in
 terror, and again may be likely to perish. 0 so often a slave! What beast, when it has once
 escaped by breaking its toils, absurdly trusts itself to them again? You say, "I am no
 adulterer." Nor, by Hercules, am I a thief, when I wisely pass by the silver vases. Take away
 the danger, and vagrant nature will spring forth, when restraints are removed. Are you my
 superior, subjected as you are, to the dominion of so many things and persons,, whom the
 prsetor's rod, though placed on your head three or four times over, can never free from this wretched
 solicitude? Add, to what has been said above, a thing of no less weight; whether he be an
 underling, who obeys the master-slave (as it is your custom to affirm), or only a fellow slave,
 what am I in respect of you? You, for example, who have the command of me, are in subjection
 to other things, and are led about, like a puppet movable by means of wires not its own.

Who then is free? The wise man, who has dominion over himself; whom neither poverty, nor
 death, nor chains affright; brave in the checking of his appetites, and in contemning honors;
 and, perfect in himself, polished and round as a globe, so that nothing from without can retard, in consequence of its smoothness; against
 whom misfortune ever advances ineffectually. Can you, out of these, recognize any thing
 applicable to yourself? A woman demands five talents of you, plagues you, and after you are
 turned out of doors, bedews you with cold water: she calls you again. Rescue your neck from
 this vile yoke; come, say, I am free, I am free. You are not able: for an implacable master
 oppresses your mind, and claps the sharp spurs to your jaded appetite, and forces you on
 though reluctant. When you, mad one, quite languish at a picture by Pausias; how are you less to blame than I, when I admire the combats of Fulvius and Rutuba and
 Placideianus, with their bended knees, painted in crayons or charcoal, as if the men were actually engaged, and push and parry, moving heir
 weapons? Davus is a scoundrel and a loiterer; but you have the character of an exquisite and
 expert connoisseur in antiquities. If I am allured by a smoking pasty, I am a good-for-nothing
 fellow: does your great virtue and soul resist delicate entertainments? Why is a tenderness
 for my belly too destructive for me? For my back pays for it. How do you come off with more
 impunity, since you hanker after such dainties as can not be had for a little expense? Then
 those delicacies, perpetually taken, pall upon the stomach; and your mistaken feet refuse to
 support your sickly body. Is that boy guilty, who by night pawns a stolen scraper for some
 grapes? Has he nothing servile about him, who in indulgence to his guts sells his estates? Add
 to this, that you yourself can not be an hour by yourself, nor dispose of your leisure in a
 right manner; and shun yourself as a fugitive and vagabond, one while endeavoring with wine,
 another while with sleep, to cheat care-in vain: for the gloomy companion presses upon you,
 and pursues you in your flight. "Where can I get a stone?" "What occasion is there for it?"
 "Where some darts?" "The man is either mad, or making verses." "If you do not take yourself
 away in an instant, you shall go [and make] a ninth laborer at my Sabine estate."

In the mean time the suspended tapestry made a heavy downfall upon the dish, bringing along
 with it more black dust than the north wind ever raises on the plains of Campania . Having been fearful of something worse, as soon as we
 perceive there was no danger, we rise up. Rufus, hanging his head, began to weep, as if his
 son had come to an untimely death: what would have been the end, had not the discreet
 Nomentanus thus raised his friend! "Alas! 0 fortune, what god is more cruel to us than thou?
 How dost thou always take pleasure in sporting with human affairs!" Varius could scarcely
 smother a laugh with his napkin. Balatro, sneering at every thing, observed: "This is the
 condition of human life, and therefore a suitable glory will never answer your labor. Must you
 be rent and tortured with all manner of anxiety, that I may be entertained sumptuously; lest
 burned bread, lest ill-seasoned soup should be set before us; that all your slaves should
 wait, properly attired and neat? Add, besides, these accidents; if the hangings should tumble
 down, as just now, if the groom slipping with his foot should break a dish. But adversity is
 wont to disclose, prosperity to conceal, the abilities of a host as well as of a general." To
 this Nasidienus: "May the gods give you all the blessings, whatever you can pray for, you are
 so good a man and so civil a guest;" and calls for his sandals. Then on every couch you might see divided whispers buzzing in each secret ear. I would
 not choose to have seen any theatrical entertainments sooner than these things. But come,
 recount what you laughed at next. While Vibidius is inquiring of the slaves, whether the
 flagon was also broken, because cups were not brought when he called for them; and while a laugh is continued
 on feigned pretences, Balatro seconding it; you, Nasidienus, return with an altered
 countenance, as if to repair your ill-fortune by art. Then followed the slaves, bearing on a
 large charger the several limbs of a crane besprinkled with much salt, not without flour, and
 the liver of a white goose fed with fattening figs, and the wings of hares torn off, as a much
 daintier dish than if one eats them with the loins. Then we saw blackbirds also set before us
 with scorched breasts, and ringdoves without the rumps: delicious morsels! did not the master
 give us the history of their causes and natures: whom we in revenge fled from, so as to taste
 nothing at all; as if Canidia, more venomous than African serpents, had poisoned them with her
 breath.