Enter PHILUMENA and PAMPHILA. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Sister, I think that Penelope was wretched from her very soul, who was so long deprived of her husband; for from our own fortunes, whose husbands are absent from us, we judge of her feelings; for whose affairs, still, in their absence, both night and day, sister, as is becoming, we are ever anxious. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 'Tis right that we should do our duty; and we do not that any further than affection bids us. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 But, sister, step this way a moment; I want to speak about the affairs of my husband. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Ain't they prospering, pray? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 I hope and wish so, indeed. But, sister, at this am I vexed, that your and my father, one who is esteemed as especially honorable among all his fellow-citizens, should be now acting the part of a dishonorable man; who is undeservedly doing so great an injustice to our absent husbands, and is wishing to separate us from them. These things, sister, render me tired of existence; these things are a care and a vexation to me. She sheds tears. 
 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Weep not, sister, nor do that to your feelings which your father is threatening to do. 'Tis to be hoped 
 that he will act more righteously. I know him well; he says these things in jest; and he would not earn for himself the mountains of the Persians, which are said to be of gold 
 , to do that of which you are in dread. Still, if he does do it, it befits you by no means to be angry; nor will it happen without some reason. For this is the third year since our husbands have been away from home. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 'Tis as you say; while, in the meantime, they may be living, and may be well 
 , they do not make us acquainted where they are, what they are doing, whether they are doing well, neither do they return. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 And do you, sister, regret this, that they do not observe their duty, whereas you do yours? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Troth, I do. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Hold your peace, if you please; take care, please, that I hear not that same thing from you in future. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 And why, pray? 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Because, i' faith, in my opinion, 'tis proper for all prudent people to observe and to do their duty. For that reason, sister, although you are the older, I advise you to remember your duty; and if they are unjust and act otherwise to us than is right, then, i' faith, in exactly the same degree, that there may be no further mischief, it befits us studiously to remember our duty by all means in our power. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 'Tis good; I'm silenced. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 But do take care and remember it. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 I do not wish, sister, to be thought to be unmindful of my husband; nor has he thrown away the distinction that he conferred upon me. For, by my troth, his kindness is pleasing and delightful to me; and, really, this choice of mine is not now irksome to me, nor is there any reason why I should wish to abandon this match. But, in fine, 'tis placed in our father's power 
 ; that must be done by us which our relatives enjoin. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 I know it, and in thinking of it I am overwhelmed with grief; for already has he almost disclosed his sentiments. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Let us consider, then, what is necessary for us to do.

Enter ANTIPHO from his house, speaking at the door to his SERVANTS. 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 The man in condition of a servant who always waits to be told his duty, and doesn't remember to do it of his own accord, that servant, I say, is not of a deserving character. You remember well on each returning Calends to ask for your allotment of provisions 
 ; why, then, do you less remember to do what is necessary to do about the house? Now, therefore, if, when I return, the furniture shall not be set for me, each piece in its proper place, I'll be putting you in mind with a bull's hide remembrancer 
 . Not human beings seem to be living with me, but pigs. Take care, if you please, that my house is clean, when I return home. I shall soon be back home; I'm going to her house, to see my eldest daughter. If any one should enquire for me, call me thence, some of you; or----I shall be here soon myself. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 
 aside . What are we to do, sister, if our father shall resolve against us?
 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 It befits us to submit to what he does whose power is the stronger. By entreating, not by opposing, I think we must use our endeavours. If with mildness we ask for favour, I trust to obtain it of him. Oppose him we cannot, without disgrace and extreme criminality; I will neither do that myself, nor will I give you the advice to do it, but rather that we should entreat him. I know our family 
 ; he will yield to entreaty. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 
 speaking to himself . In the first place, in what manner I should make a beginning with them, about that I am in doubt; whether I should accost them in language couched in ambiguous terms, after this fashion, as though I had never pretended 
 anything at all against them, or whether as though I had heard that they were deserving of some censure against them; whether I should rather try them gently or with threats. I know that there will be opposition; I know my daughters right well. If they should prefer to remain here rather than to marry afresh, why, let them do so. What need is there for me, the term of my life run out, to be waging war with my children, when I think that they don't at all deserve that I should do so? By no means; I'll have no disturbances. But I think that this is the best thing to be done by me; I'll do thus; I'll pretend as though they had themselves been guilty of some fault; I'll terribly terrify their minds this day by some ambiguous expressions; ana then, after that, as I shall feel disposed, I'll disclose myself. I know that many words will be spoken; I'll go in. Goes to the door of PHILUMENA'S house. But the door's open. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Why, surely the sound of my father's voice reached my ears. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 I' troth, 'tis he; let's hasten to meet him with a kiss. They both run to kiss him. 
 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 My father, my respects. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 And to you the same. Away this instant, and be off from me, Removes her. 
 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 One kiss. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 I've had enough of your kissing. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Prithee, father, why so?
 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Because, as it is, the seasoning of your affection has reached my soul 
 . 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Sit down here, father. Points to a chair. 
 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 I'll not sit there; do you sit down; I'll sit on the bench 
 . Sits on a bench. 
 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Wait till I fetch a cushion. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 You take kind care of me; I'm nicely seated now as I am 
 . 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Do let me, father. Goes into the house. 
 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 What need is there? 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 There is need. Coming out, and bringing a cushion. 
 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 I'll submit to you. Arranging the cushion. Yes, this does very well. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Why, daughters can never take too much care of their parent. Whom is it proper that we should esteem more dear than yourself? And then, in the next place, father, our husbands, for whom you have chosen that we should be the mothers of families. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 You do as it is proper for good wives to do, in esteeming your husbands, though absent, just as though they were present. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 'Tis propriety, father, for us to highly honor those who have chosen us as companions for themselves. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Is there any other person here to listen with his ears 
 to our conversation?
 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 There's no one except us and yourself. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 I wish your attention to be given; for, unacquainted with female matters and ways, I come now as a pupil to you, my instructresses; in order that each of you may tell me what endowments matrons ought to have, who are the best esteemed. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 What's the reason that you come hither to enquire about the ways of females? 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Troth, I'm looking for a wife, as your mother's dead and gone. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 You'll easily find, father, one both worse and of worse morals than she was; one better you'll neither find nor does the sun behold. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 But I'm making the enquiry of you, and of this sister of yours. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 I' faith, father, I know how they should be, if they are to be such as I think right. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 I wish, then, to know what you do think right. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 That when they walk through the city, they should shut the mouths of all, so that none can speak ill of them with good reason. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 
 to PHILUMENA . And now speak you in your turn. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 What do you wish that I should speak to you about, father? 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 How is the woman most easily distinguished, who is of a good disposition? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 When she, who has the power of doing ill, refrains from doing so. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Not bad that. To PAMPHILA. Come, say you, which choice is the preferable, to marry a maiden or a widow? 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 So far as my skill extends, of many evils 
 , that which is the least evil, the same is the least an evil. He that can avoid the women, let him avoid them, so that each day he takes care, the day before, not to do that which, the day after, he may regret. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 What sort of woman, pray, seems to you by far the wisest? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 She who, when affairs are prosperous, shall still be able to know herself, and who with equanimity can endure it to be worse with her than it has been. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 By my troth, in merry mood have I been trying the bent of your dispositions. But 'tis this for which I am come to you, and for which I wished to meet you both. My friends are advising me to the effect that I should remove you hence to my own house. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 But still, we, whose interests are concerned, are advising you quite otherwise. For either, father, we ought not formerly to have been bestowed in marriage, unless our husbands pleased you, or, it is not right for us now to be taken away when they are absent. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 And shall I suffer you while I am alive to remain married to men who are beggars? 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 This beggar of mine is agreable to me; her own king is agreable 
 to the queen. In poverty have I the same feelings that once I had in riches. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 And do you set such high value on thieves and beggars? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 You did not, as I think, give me in marriage to the money, but to the man. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Why are you still in expectation of those who have been absent for now three years? Why don't you accept an eligible match 
 in place of a very bad one? 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 'Tis folly, father, to lead unwilling dogs to hunt. That wife is an enemy, who is given to a man in marriage against her will. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Are you then determined that neither of you will obey the command of your father? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 We do obey; for where you gave us in marriage, thence are we unwilling to depart.
 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Kindly good b'ye; I'll go and tell my friends your resolutions. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 They will, I doubt not, think us the more honorable, if you tell them to honorable men. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Take you care, then, of their domestic concerns, the best way that you can. (Exit.) 
 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Now you gratify us, when you direct us aright: now we will hearken to you. Now, sister, let's go indoors. 
 
 
 PAMPHILA 
 Well, first I'll take a look at home. If, perchance, any news should come to you from your husband, take you care that I know it. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Neither will I conceal it from you, nor do you conceal from me what you may know. Calls at the door of her house. Ho there, Crocotium 
 , go, fetch hither Gelasimus, the Parasite; bring him here with you. For, i' faith, I wish to send him to the harbour, to see if, perchance, any ship from Asia 
 
 has arrived there yesterday or to-day. But, one servant has been sitting at the harbour whole days in waiting; still, however, I wish it to be visited every now and then. Make haste, and return immediately. Each goes into her own house.

Enter GELASIMUS. 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I do suspect that Famine was my mother; for since I was born I have never been filled with victuals. And no man could better return the favour to his mother, than do I right unwillingly return it to my mother, Famine. For in her womb, for ten months she bore me, whereas I have been carrying her for more than ten years in my stomach. She, too, carried me but a little child, wherefore I judge that she endured the less labour; in my stomach no little Famine do I bear, but of full growth, i' faith, and extremely heavy. The labour-pains arise with me each day, but I'm unable to bring forth my mother, nor know I what to do. I've often heard it so said that the elephant is wont 
 to be pregnant ten whole years; for sure this hunger of mine is of its breed. For now for many a year has it been clinging to, my inside. Now, if any person wants a droll fellow, I am on sale, with all my equipage: of a filling-up for these chasms am I in search. When little, my father gave me the name of Gelasimus 
 , because, even from a tiny child, I was a droll chap. By reason of poverty, in fact, did I acquire this name, because, it was poverty that made me to be a droll; for whenever she reaches a person, she instructs him thoroughly in every art. My father used to say that I was born when provisions were dear; for that reason, I do believe, I am now the more sharply set. But on our family such complacence has been bestowed--I am in the habit of refusing no person, if any one asks me out to eat. One form of expression has most unfortunately died away with people, and one, i' faith, most beseeming and most elegant to my thinking, which formerly they employed: "Come here to dinner--do so--really, do promise--don't make any difficulties--is it convenient?--I wish it to be so, I say; I'll not part with you unless you come." But now, in the present day, they have found a substitute for these expressions--a saying, by my faith, truly right worthless and most vile: "I'd invite you to dinner, were I not dining; out myself." I' faith, I wish the very loins of that phrase broken, that it mayn't repeat its perjury if he does dine at his own house. These phrases reduce me to learn foreign habits 
 , and to spare the necessity for an auctioneer, and so proclaim the auction, and put myself up for sale.

 GELASIMUS. 
 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 
 aside . This is the Parasite, whom I've been sent to fetch. I'll listen to what he's saying, before I accost him. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Now there are a good many curious mischief-makers here, who, with extreme zeal, busy themselves with the affairs of other people, and who have themselves no affairs of their own to busy themselves with. They, when they know that any one is about to have an auction, go forthwith and sift out what's the reason; whether a debt compels it, or whether he has purchased a farm; or whether, on a divorce, her marriage-portion is to be repaid to his wife 
 . All these, although, i' faith, I don't judge them undeserving, in their most wretched state, to go toiling on, I don't care about. I'll proclaim the reason of my auction, that they may rejoice in my mishaps, for there's no person a busybody but what he's ill-natured too. Very great mishaps, alas! have befallen wretched me. So dreadfully afflicted has my property 
 rendered me: my many drinking-bouts are dead and gone; how many dinners, too, that I've bewailed, are dead! how many a draught of honeyed wine; how many breakfasts, too, that I have lost within these last three years! In my wretchedness, for very grief and vexation have I quite grown old. I'm almost dead with hunger. 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 
 aside . There's no one such a droll, as he is when he is hungry. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Now am I resolved that I'll make a sale: out of doors 
 am I obliged to sell whatever I possess. Attend, if you please; the bargains will be for those who are present. I've funny bon mots 
 to sell. Come, bid your price. Who bids a dinner? Does any one bid a breakfast? They'll cost vou an Herculean breakfast 
 or dinner. Ho, there! to one of the SPECTATORS did you nod to me? No one will offer you better--I won't allow that any Parasite has better quibbles, cajoleries, and parasitical white lies 
 . I'm selling a rusty flesh-scraper 
 , too; a rusty-coloured brown bottle 
 for the Greek unguents 
 at the sweating-baths 
 ; delicate after-dinner powders 
 ; an empty Parasite as well pointing to himself , in whom to lay by your scraps. 'Tis needful that these should be sold at once for as much as they can; that, if I offer the tenth part. to Hercules 
 , on that account it may be greater * * * * * * 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 
 aside . An auction of no great value, by my troth. Hunger has taken hold of the very deepest recess of the fellow's stomach. I'll accost the man. Moves towards him. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Who's this that's coming towards me? Why, surely this is Crocotium, the maid-servant of Epignomus. 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 My respects, Gelasimus. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 That's not my name. 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 I' faith, for sure that used to be your name. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Distinctly it was so, but I've lost it by use. Now I'm called Miccotrogus 
 from what is fact.
 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 O dear! I've laughed a good deal at you to-day. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 When? or in what place? 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 Here, when you were carrying on a most worthless auction. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 How now; did you really hear it? 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 Aye, and one really right worthy of yourself. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Where are you bound for now? 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 For yourself. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Why have you come? 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 Philumena bade me ask you by all means to come to visit her at her house this instant, together with me. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I' faith, but I'll surely come there as fast as I can. Are the entrails cooked 
 by this? With how many lambs has she been sacrificing? 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 Indeed, she hasn't been sacrificing at all. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 How? What does she want with me, then? 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 I think that she's going to ask you for ten measures of wheat. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Or me rather ask it of her? 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 No; that you yourself should lend them to us. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Tell her that I've nothing to give myself, or that she could wish to borrow, nor anything whatever, except this cloak that I have on. Even my very tongue that so freely used to offer itself 
 I've sold as well." 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 How? Have you got no tongue? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Why, the former one, that used to say "here, take me 
 ," I've lost: see, here's one now that says "give me." Puts out his tongue. 
 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 A curse may the Gods give you * * * *
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Aye, if a curse you want, this same tongue will give you that. 
 
 
 CROCOTIUM 
 Well now, are you coming or not? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Well, be off home; tell her I'll be there this moment; make haste and be off. CROCOTIUM goes into the house. I wonder why she has requested me to be fetched to her, who has never, before this day, requested that I should be fetched to her, ever since her husband left. I wonder what it can be; except it is for some experiment to be made upon me; I'll go see what she wants. But see, here's her boy, Pinacium. Look at that now; how very facetiously and just like a picture 
 does he stand? Full many a time, for sure, in good troth, has he poured out for me the wine, almost unmixed, right cleverly into a very tiny cup 
 indeed. Stands aside.

Enter PINACIUM at a distance, with a fishing-rod, hooks, and a basket in his hand. 
 
 PINACIUM 
 
 to himself . Mercury, who is said to be the messenger of Jove, never bore such pleasing tidings to his father, as I shall e'en now be telling to my mistress. So loaded do I bear my breast with joy and with delight; and really I don't care to speak a syllable but in a highflown style. The charms of all the loves and graces do I bring; my heart, too, is overleaping its banks, and overflowing with joyousness. Now have you the means of acquiring glory, fame, and honor; make haste, Pinacium, exhort your feet to swiftness, grace your message by your deeds, and come to the rescue of your mistress in her need * * * * * * who is so wretched in awaiting the arrival of her husband, Epignomus; just as becomes her does she dote upon her husband, and anxiously long for him. Now, Pinacium, do as pleases you, run on, just as you like; take care and regard no person at the value of a straw; thrust them from the path with your elbows; make right smooth your way. If a, king shall come in your way, upset the king himself forthwith. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 apart . Why, I wonder 
 , is Pinacium running so overladen with baggage 
 ? He's carrying a rod, and a basket, and a fish-hook. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 
 to himself . But yet, I think 'tis proper that my mistress should come with entreaty to me, and that she should send envoys to me, and gifts of gold, and chariots in which for me to be borne, for I can't go on foot. Therefore I shall now go back. Turns back. I think it is only proper that I should be approached and addressed with entreaties. And do you really think that it's mere nonsense or nothing at all that I am now acquainted with? Blessings so great am I carrying from the harbour, joys so extensive am I bringing, that hardly could my mistress herself presume to wish this of the Gods, if she were to know it. And am I to carry it, then, of my own accord? It pleases me not, nor do I think that the duty of a man. This way does it seem to be better suited to this news of mine; let her come to meet me, let her entreat me to communicate to her this news. Haughtiness and pride befit prosperous fortunes. But, at last, when I reconsider it, how could she know that I know this? Turning round. Well, I can't do otherwise than return, than speak, than relate it at length, and relieve my mistress of her grief, and both mightily increase the good deeds of my ancestors, and present her with a comfort unhoped for and opportune. I'll outdo the deeds of Talthybius 
 , and I'll set all messengers at nought, and at the same time I'll think about the running at the Olympic games. But this distance 
 is far too short for the course; how sorry for it I am. How's this? I see the door's closed. I'll go and knock at the door. Knocks at the door of PHILUMENA'S house. Open, and make haste, cause the door to be thrown open; away with all delay. This matter is attended to too carelessly; see how long I've been standing here and knocking. Are you indulging yourselves with a nap? I'll try whether the door or my arms and feet are the stronger. Knocks and kicks. I wish much that this door would run away from its master, that for that reason it might meet with a heavy punishment 
 . I'm tired of knocking. Well, be this the last for you. Knocks again. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 apart . I'll go and accost him. Accosts PINACIUM. Good day to you. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 And good day to you. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Are you turned fisherman, then? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 How long is it since you ate? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Whence come you? What are you carrying? Why are you in a hurry? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 About that which is no business of yours, don't you trouble yourself. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 What's there in that? Taking up the lid of the basket. PIN. Snakes, for you to eat. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Why are you so pettish? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 If you had any shame, you wouldn't address me. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 May I learn the truth from you? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 You may; this day you'll get no dinner.

Enter PHILUMENA from her house. 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Who now, pray, is breaking this door down? To GELASIMUS. Are you doing this? Do you come to me like an enemy? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 My respects to you; I come at your bidding. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 And is it for that reason you are breaking down my door? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Scold your own people; the offenders are your own. I came to see what you wanted me for. Why, for my own part, I pitied this door.
 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 For that reason your assistance was given so very readily. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Pray, who's that, talking here so near to us? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Pinacium. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Where is he? Looks on each side. 
 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 
 coming forward . Attend to me, and leave alone that needy Parasite, Philumena. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Pinacium. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 That name my elders gave me. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 What's your business 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 What's my business, do you ask? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Why shouldn't I ask it? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 What's yours with me? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Do you insult me, impudent fellow? Answer me, this very instant, Pinacium. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Bid those, then, to let me alone, who are detaining me. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Who are detaining you? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Do you ask me that? A lassitude is in possession of all my limbs. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Well, I know right well that it's not in possession of your tongue. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 With such rapid speed have I been hastening from the harbour, for the sake of your own well-doing. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Why, do you bring any good news? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 I bring more, by very much, than you expect. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 I'm saved, then. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 And I'm done for; lassitude is drinking up my marrow apace. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 What, then, am I, the marrow of whose stomach, to my sorrow, famine has seized upon? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Did you meet any one? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Many. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 But any man? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Very many; but, of the many, not one a greater rascal than he is. Points at GELASIMUS. 
 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 How so? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I have been affronted already at his saying uncivil things to me. If you irritate me any further---- Holds up his fist to PINACIUM. 
 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 I' faith, you'll be plaguy hungry to eat >me. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I'll cause you to know that assuredly you've said that with reason. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 I wish everything to be made clean. Calls to the SERVANTS from the door. Bring out here your brooms, and a reed as well, 
 that I may destroy all the labours of the spiders and their plaguy webs, and rout out all their looms. The SERVANTS bring some brooms. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 The poor things will be cold in future. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 What? Do you think that they are just like yourself, with only one coat? Take this broom. Gives him a broom. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I'll take it. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 This I'll take myself. Do you sweep away there. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I'll do so. Sweeps away. 
 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 
 calling aloud. Will some one bring here a pail and water 
 ? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Really, this fellow's playing the Ædile 
 without the vote of the public even. The water is brought. 
 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Come, do you quickly sweep the ground, and sprinkle before he t house. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I'll do so. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 It needs be done. I'll knock down the spider-webs there from the door and from the wall. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I' faith, a troublesome business, this. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Still, I don't at all understand what it means; unless, perchance, some guests are about to come? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 
 ordering the SERVANTS . Do you spread the couches. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 aside . The beginning pleases me, about the couches. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Others, you chop the billets; others, you clean the fish which the fisherman has brought; take you down the gammon of bacon and the collar of brawn 
 . 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 aside . I' faith, this is a very sensible fellow. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 By my troth, as I imagine, you haven't quite minded the directions of your mistress. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Why, I've left all matters unattended to by reason of what you wished. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Then do you inform me upon that, on account of which you were sent to the harbour? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 I'll tell you. After, with the daybreak, you had sent me to the harbour, the sun with its beams opportunely arose from out of the sea. While I was enquiring of the revenue officers whether any ship had arrived from Asia , and they were saying none had come, I beheld, in the meantime, a bark, than which I think I never saw a greater one. With a favouring breeze, and in full sail, it came into harbour. We were enquiring one of another whose ship it was, and what it carried? In the meantime I espied your husband and his servant Stichus. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Ha! what? Did you mention Epignomus? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Your husband and my own life. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 He has arrived, I say. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Did you see him yourself? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Yes, and with pleasure too. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I' faith, I'll surely take the broom, and sweep this place with pleasure. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 He has brought a great amount of silver and gold. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 'Tis right cleverly done. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Wool and purple in plenty. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Aye, for me to clothe my carcase with. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Couches, adorned with ivory and gold. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I'll recline at table right regally. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Besides--Babylonian coverings for couches 
 , and carpets dyed in purple, has he brought. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Abundance of fine things. I' faith, his business has been successful. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Then, as I began to say, female players on the harp, on the pipe, sackbuts too 
 , has he brought with him, of surprising beauty. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Capital! When I'm at my wine, I'll be quite sportive; then am I in merriest pin. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Besides many unguents of numerous kinds.
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I'll not sell my bon mots; I'll not have an auction now; I've got an estate in fee 
 . Let the mischievous hunters of auctions go to perdition. Hercules, I congratulate thee that the tenths which I vowed to thee are increased. 'Tis my hope that at length, by some means or other, I may expel this plaguy famine from my stomach. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 And then, besides, he has brought some Parasites 
 with him. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Alas! to my confusion, I'm undone. 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Right funny fellows. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I' faith, I'll sweep this dust back, which I just now swept together. Sweeps it back . Those bon mots are now on sale, which I was saying I wouldn't sell. I'm done for: now there is occasion for spiteful persons to rejoice at my misfortune. Hercules, thou who art a God, thou really hast departed not oppoitunely. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Did you see Pamphilus, the husband of my sister? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 No. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Isn't he there? 
 
 
 PINACIUM 
 Yes, they said that he had come as well. I ran hither before them, with all speed, that I might bring the welcome tidings. 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 Go in-doors, Pinacium; bid the servants prepare the sacred things 
 for me. To GELASIMUS. Fare you well! 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Do you want me to assist? 
 
 
 PHILUMENA 
 I have servants enough in the house. PHILUMENA and PINACIUM go into the house. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 to himself . In good sooth, Gelasimus, I doubt you have come to but little purpose, if neither he that is here gives you any aid, nor yet he that's coming. I'll off indoors to my books 
 , and take my instructions from the cleverest sayings; for if I don't drive away those fellows, the Parasites that are coming, most surely I'm undone. (Exit.)

Enter EPIGNOMUS and STICHUS, followed by some SLAVES. 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Inasmuch as, my business prosperously carried on, I am returned safe home, thanks do I return to Neptune and to his tempests; to Mercury as well 
 , who in my traffic has aided me, and by my profits has rendered my property fourfold. Those whom formerly I affected with sorrow at my departure, the same shall I now make joyous at my arrival. But already have I met my connexion Antipho, and from bad terms have I returned to friendship with him. See, prithee, what money can effect. Since, my affairs prospering, he sees that I've returned, and brought home great wealth, without any mediators, there on board the ship, upon the deck, we have returned to friendship and good feeling. Both he and my brother dine with me this day; for yesterday we were both in the same harbour 
 together; but to-day my ship weighed anchor a little the soonest. Take these people in-doors, Stichus, whom 
 I've brought with me. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Master, whether I'm silent or speak, I'm sure you know how many hardships I've endured in your service; now, on my arrival home, I wish to spend in freedom 
 this one day after these many hardships. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 You ask what's just and right. Stlchus, you may take this day for yourself; I don't object to it. Go where you like. A cask, too, of old wine, I give you to drink. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 O, grand! I'll have my mistress this day. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Even ten, so long as it is at your own expense 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 What * * * * ? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 What * * * * ? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 I'll go and dine * * 'Tis thus it pleases me * * * * * 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Where do you dine to-day? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 This plan have I thus resolved upon. I have a mistress here in the neighbourhood, Stephanium, the servantmaid of your brother. I'm going to invite her; I'll take her to a pic-nic entertainment 
 at her fellow- servant's, Sagarinus We both have the same mistress; we are rivals. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Come then, conduct them in. I grant you this day. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Hold me to blame if I don't make the most of it 
 . Troth now, I'll pass through the garden to my mistress, to engage her beforehand for me this evening; at the same time I'll give my contribution, and bid the dinner to be cooked at Sagarinus's, or else I'll go myself and make my marketing as caterer. Sagarinus, * * * * * * * a servant * * * for my * * * * * with stripes * * * * to take him home well thrashed, I'll make all things to be in readiness here; but I'm delaying myself. And don't you be surprised 
 
 to the AUDIENCE that men, who are slaves, drink, court, and give invitations to dinner? This is allowed us at Athens . But when I think of it, rather than meet with censure, there's here, too, another door to the back buildings of our house. I'll go that way to market; by that way I'll bring back the provisions--through the garden there's a passage that communicates with both houses. To the SLAVES. Do you follow me this way. I surely will pull this day to bits 
 . Goes into the house of EPIGNOMUS.

Enter GELASIMUS. 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 to himself . I've consulted my books; I'm as sure as possible, that by my funny bon mots I shall recover my patron 
 . Now I'm going to see whether he has arrived by this from the harbour, that when he comes I may smooth him down with my speeches. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Surely, this is Gelasimus, the Parasite, that's coming. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 to himself . With lucky auspices, by my troth, this day did I come out of doors; since an omen auspiciously befel me 
 . This was beheld by me; how a weasel carried off a mouse close at my feet. For as she found sustenance for herself this day, so do I hope that I shall do, as the augury predicts. Sees EPIGNOMUS. Surely this is Epignomus that's standing here; I'll go and address him. My dear Epignomus, how pleased I am to see you now; how my tears are starting forth for very joy. Have you all along enjoyed your health? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 With care it has been preserved. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Right heartily I wish you health 
 . 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 You speak kindly, and like a friend. May the Gods grant what you wish. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 * * * 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I, sup there with you? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Since you are returned safe. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Really, an engagement has been made already; but I give you thanks. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Do promise me. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 It's settled. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 But do, I say. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 The thing's agreed on. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 By my troth, you'd do it with much pleasure to me. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I know that well. When an opportunity shall come, it shall be so. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Now, then, is the opportunity. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I' faith, I cannot. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Why make difficulties? Do consider; I have I know not what luxuries at hand 
 . 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Do be off, now; seek for yourself another guest for to-day. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 You promise, then? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I would make no difficulty if I could. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Really, on my word, one thing, for sure, I Promise you, I'd entertain you with pleasure, beyond a doubt, if you would promise. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Adieu! Moving. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Have you resolved? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I have resolved. I shall dine at home. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 aside . Since nothing has been effected this way, I'll therefore approach him by a more open path, and I'll speak plainly out. To EPIGNOMUS. Since you, yourself, are not willing to promise to come to me, should you like that I should come to dine with you? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 If it were possible, I should like it; but here are nine other people 
 coming to dine at my house.
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 For my part, I don't ask that I should recline on the couch; you know that I'm a man for the lower seats. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 But these are deputies of a people, tip-top men they come here as public ambassadors from Ambracia 
 
 . 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Let then the deputies of a people, your tip-top men, recline at the tip-top place; I, the lowest, in the lowest quarter. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 It isn't proper for you to be entertained among deputies. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I 'faith, and I--I'm a deputy, too 
 , but little it does avail me. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I intend that to-morrow we shall dine upon the scraps. Sincerely, farewell. Goes into his house. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 By my troth, 'tis clear that I'm undone, and by no fault of my owns 
 . The number is less than it was before by one Gelasimus. I'm resolved, hereafter, never to believe in a weasel, for I know of no beast more uncertain than her. She who herself is ten times a day shifting her place, from her have I taken my omens in matters of life and death to me! I'm determined to call my friends together, to take counsel how by rule I must starve henceforth. (Exit.)

Enter ANTIPHO and PAMPHILUS. 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 So may the Gods favour me, and preserve for me my daughters, it is a pleasure to me, Pamphilus, that I see you both return home to your native land, your business prosperously managed, yourself and your brother. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I should have heard enough from you, Antipho, did I not see that you are friendly to me; now, since I've found that you are my friend, I'll give you credence. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 I would invite you to my house to dinner, had not your brother told me that you were going to dine at his house to-day, when he invited myself to his house to dinner. And it would have been more proper for me to give you an entertainment on your arrival, than to engage myself to him, were it not that I didn't wish to disoblige him. Now I don't wish with words alone to insinuate myself into your favour; to-morrow you shall be at my house, both you and he, with your wives. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Then, the day after, at my house; for it was yesterday he invited me for to-day. But am I quite reconciled to you, Antipho? 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Since you have thus thrived in your affairs, as it behoves yourselves and persons friendly disposed to wish, let there be good-will and intercourse between us. Take you care to think of this; according as wealth is obtained by each man, so does he experience his friends. If his fortunes are flourishing, so are his friends true; if his prospects decline, so, too, do his friends decline. Fortune finds friends.
 from his house. 
 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 
 to himself . I'm now returned. 'Tis a great delight, if you have been long from home, when you return home again, if no anxieties come in contact with your feelings. But, in my absence, so well has my wife taken care of my private affairs, that she has made me free and unembarrassed by anxieties. But, see, here's my brother Pamphilus, walking with his father-in-law.
 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 How fares it, Epignomus? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 How with you? How long since you came into harbour? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Not very long ago. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 
 aside . And is it since then that he has become on smooth terms with you? 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 
 overhearing . More smooth than the sea, on which you have both been borne. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 You do as you are wont to do other things. Do we unlade the ship to-day, brother? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I would rather go quietly to work. Let's rather lade ourselves with delights in their turn. How soon will the dinner be cooked? I haven't breakfasted to-day. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Go in-doors to my house and bathe. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I'll only step home to my own house, to salute the Gods 
 and my wife. If I do that as I wish, I'll forthwith return to your house. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 But your wife is hastening to come here with her sister. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 'Tis very good; there will then be the less delay on that account. I shall be at your house 
 this instant. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 
 to PAMPHILUS. Before you go away, in your presence I wish to relate a single story to him. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 By all means. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 There was once an old gentleman, just as I now am; he had two daughters, such as mine now are; they were married to two brothers, just as mine now are to yourselves. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I wonder how the story is to turn out? 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 One of these young men had, as you to PAMPHILUS now have, a damsel, a music-girl; he had brought her from abroad, as you have now done. Now, this old gentleman was a widower, just as I now am. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Do proceed; this story is really à propos. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Then said this old gentleman to him to whom the music-girl belonged, just as I now say to you---- 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I'm listening 
 , and carefully giving heed.
 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 "I gave you my daughter, to be a comfortable bedfellow for you; now, I think it fair that one should be given me in return by you, to be my bed-fellow." 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Who says that? Does he say it 
 just as though you were to say it? 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Just as I now say it to you. "Aye, I'll give you two of them," says this young man, "if one's too little; and if you are not satisfied with two," says he, "two more shall be added." 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Prithee, who says that? Does he say it just as though I were to say it? 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 He says it just as though you were to say it. Then says this old gentleman, just as though I were to say it, "Well, give me four, if you like, so long only as, i' faith, you find them something to eat as well, that they mayn't consume my victuals." 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Why surely it must have been a stingy old chap to say that, in asking food as well of him who promised them to him. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 Why surely, this young man must have been a good-for-nothing fellow, who forthwith, when the other asked him, refused to give him a grain of wheat. But, i' troth, the old gentleman asked what was fair, inasmuch as the dowry which he had given to his daughter, he wished him to have as an equivalent for the music-girl. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I' faith, for sure I really do think that the young man was well advised, who wouldn't give a mistress to that old fellow in return for the dower. 
 
 
 ANTIPHO 
 The old gentleman wished, indeed, if he could, to bargain for their maintenance; because he couldn't, he said he wished it to be done on what terms it might. "Done," said this young man. "You do me a kindness," said the old gentleman. "Have I the thing agreed upon?" said he. "I'll do even as you wish it to be done," said the other. But I'll be off in-doors, and congratulate my daughters on your arrival. Then I'll go wash me at the bath 
 ; there will I take all care of my old age; after that, when I've bathed, lying down, I'll await you at my leisure. (Exit.) 
 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 A funny mortal, Antipho; how cleverly he did make up his story. Even yet the rogue considers himself a young man. A mistress shall be given to the fellow, to sing to the old chap at night in bed; for, i' faith, indeed, I know not of what other use a mistress can be to him. But how fares our Parasite, Gelasimus? Is he well, too? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I' faith, I saw the fellow not so very long ago. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 How fares he? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Like one half-starved. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Why didn't you invite the fellow to your house to dinner? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 That on my arrival I mightn't be wasting anything But see, here's the wolf in the Fable 
 ; here he is in person with his ravenous fit. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 We'll have some sport with the fellow. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 You put me in mind of a plan I had already resolved on.

Enter GELASIMUS. 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 
 
 to the AUDIENCE . But as I had begun to tell you; while I have been absent hence, I've now been consulting with my friends and with my relatives. They have been my advisers to the effect that I should this very day kill myself with starvation. But don't I see Pamphilus with his brother Epignomus? Yes, 'tis he. I'll accost the man. Goes up to PAMPHILUS. O longed-for Pamphilus! O my salvation! O my life! O my delight! right welcome. I rejoice that you've returned safe from abroad to your native land. Welcome. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Welcome, Gelasimus. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Have you been quite well? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I have taken good care of my health.
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I' troth, I'm glad of it. I' faith, I confoundedly wish I had now a thousand measures of silver. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 What need have you of it? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 I' faith, that I might invite him to dinner, and not invite you. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 You are talking against your own interest. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 This, then, that I might invite you both * * * * * * for my part * * * * * I should not avoid 
 * * * * * * there is nothing so * as this * * * * 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Troth, now, I'd ask you with pleasure, if there were room left. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Well, standing, then, I'll gobble down a bit in the scramble. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 No, only this one thing can be done. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 What? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 When the guests have gone, that then you may come---- 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Hurra! capital! 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 To wash the pots, I mean; not to dinner. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 The Gods confound you! What say you, Pamphilus? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I' troth, this day I'm engaged to dine elsewhere abroad. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 How, abroad? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Really abroad, on my word. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 How the plague do you like, thus wearied, to be supping abroad? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Which do you advise me? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Order a dinner to be cooked at home, and word to be sent to him who invited you. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Shall I dine at home, alone? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Why, not alone; invite me. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 But I'm afraid lest he should scold me, who has been to this expense for my sake. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 It may easily be excused--only listen to me; do order a dinner to be cooked at home. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 . Not by my advice, indeed, will he act so as to disappoint that person this day. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Will you not be off from here? Perhaps you suppose that I don't see what you're about. Do you look to yourself, please. To PAMPHILUS. How that fellow is gaping after your property just like a hungry wolf. Don't you know how men are set upon here in the street at night?
 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 So many the more servants will I bid to come and fetch me, that they may protect me. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 He won't stir--he won't stir; because you persuade him so earnestly not to go out. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Do order a dinner to be cooked at home with all speed for me and for yourself and your wife. Troth, if you do so, I don't think you'll say that you are deceived. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 So far as that dinner is concerned, Gelasimus, you may be dinnerless to-day. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Are you going abroad to dine? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I'm going to dine at my brother's, hard by. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Is that fixed? 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Fixed. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 By my troth, I hope you may be struck with a stone this day. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I'm not afraid; I shall go through the garden; I'll not go abroad. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 What say you to that, Gelasimus? 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 You're entertaining your deputies; keep them to yourself. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Why, faith, 'tis your own business. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 If, indeed, 'tis my own business, avail yourself of my assistance; invite me. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 By my faith, I see, as I fancy, one place still for yourself only, where you may recline. 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 Really, I do think it may be managed. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 O light of the city! 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 If you can manage to recline in a small compass. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Aye, even between two wedges 
 of iron. As little space as a puppy can lie in, the same will be enough for me. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I'll beg for it some way or other; come along. Pulls him along. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 What? This way? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Yes, to prison. For here, indeed, you'll not find any further entertainment 
 . Let's be off, you Pamphilus.
 
 
 
 PAMPHILUS 
 I'll but salute the Gods: then I'll pass through to your house forthwith. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 What then? 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Why, I said that you might go to prison. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Well, if you order it, I'll go there even. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 Immortal Gods! really, by my troth, this fellow might be induced by a dinner or a breakfast to bear extreme torture. 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 Such is my nature; with anything can I struggle much more easily than with hunger. 
 
 
 EPIGNOMUS 
 I know it: at my house full long enough has this facility of yours been experienced by me * * * * * * while you were the Parasite of myself and my brother, we ruined our fortunes. Now I don't wish you to be made by me from a Gelasimus into a Catagelasimus 
 . EPIGNOMUS and PAMPHILUS go into their houses. 
 
 
 
 GELASIMUS 
 And are you gone now? Surely he is gone. Now have I need of a wise resolution. Both are gone; consider, Gelasimus, what plan you must adopt. * * * * What, I? Yes, you. What, for myself? Yes, for yourself. Don't you see how dear provisions are? Don't you see how the kindness and the heartiness of men have vanished? Don't you see how drolls are set at nought, and how they themselves are sponged upon? By my troth, not a person shall ever behold me alive on the morrow; for, this instant, in-doors will I load my throat with a bulrush dose 
 . And by this I shall not give cause for men to say that I died of hunger. (Exit.)

Enter STICHUS, and provisions, a table, and couches on the stage. 
 
 STICHUS 
 Foolishly and unwisely is it done in my opinion, if people are in the habit, if they are expecting a person; of looking out for him; faith, ne doesn't on that account come a bit the faster. I'm now doing that same thing, in looking out for Sagarinus; who, still, for that reason won't come a jot the faster. Troth, I shall just now be taking my place alone, if he doesn't come here. I'll now fetch that cask of wine hither from home, and then I'll take my place. The day, like snow, is melting away apace. Goes into the house of EPIGNOMUS.

Enter SAGARINUS. 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Hail! Athens , thou nurse of Greece ; country of my master, hail! How joyously do I behold thee. But I have a wish to see how my mistress and fellow-servant, Stephanium, is faring. For I bade Stichus to give her my regards, and to tell her that I should come to-day, so that she might cook a dinner in good time. But, surely, here's Stichus.
 with a cask of wine 
 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 
 to himself . A clever thing you did, master, when you presented your servant, Stichus, with this gift. O ye immortal Gods! how many delights do I carry, how many smiles, how many jokes, how many a kiss, dancing, dalliance, and good-fellowship. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Stichus, how fare you? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Right well, Sagarinus, most delightfully; I'm bringing Dionysus 
 , as my guest and yours. For, i' faith, the dinner's cooked; free range has been given me and you at your house. For at our house there's an entertainment; your master's dining there with his wife, and Antipho as well; there, too, is my master. This was given me as a present. Points to the cask. 
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 How? Are you dreaming? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 I' faith, I'm telling you the truth. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Who then gave you this? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 What matters that to you? I wish us this day to wash away everything of foreign climes. Leave them alone; let's now attend to Athens ; follow me. Do you at once make haste, and bathe.
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 I have bathed. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Very good follow me, then, this. way in-doors, Sagarinus. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Of course, I follow. By mytroth, this beginning pleases me as I return home; a happy omen and augury 
 has met me in my path. They go into the house of PAMPHILUS.

Enter STEPHANIUM from the house of EPIGNOMUS. 
 
 STEPHANIUM 
 
 to the AUDIENCE . I wish that it may appear wondrous to no one of you, Spectators, why I who live there pointing to the house of PAMPHILUS am come out hither from this other house: I'll inform you thereon. Just now was I sent for to this house by the back way. For as soon as news was brought that the husbands of these ladies were about to come, we all hurried thither. We attended to laying the couches, and setting all in order. Still, amid these duties, I had a care for my friends, Stichus and my fellow-servant Sagarinus, that their dinner should be cooked. Stichus has been caterer; but for cooking it, I've appointed one my deputy. Now, I'll be off hence, and attend to my friends, who, I see, are coming here. Goes into the house of PAMPHILUS.

Enter STICHUS and SAGARINUS from the house of PAMPHILUS with provisions, a PIPER following. 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Come, out of doors with you; lead on the procession 
 . Stichus, I appoint you commander of the cask. I'm resolved to prove our banquet in every fashion this day. So may the Gods love me, we are well entertained in being feasted in this place. I will that each person that passes by shall be invited to join the banquet. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Agreed, so long only as, i' faith, each man comes with his own wine 
 ; for of this, a mouthful shall be given to no person but ourselves, this day. Eating alone 
 , let's wait upon ourselves. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 This banquet, for our means, is quite sufficient, with its nuts, beans, figs 
 , a dish of olives, pounded lupines, and a cake. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 It better becomes a man who is a slave to bring his expenses within moderation than beyond. Each one to his own station; they, who have wealth at home, drink from cups, goblets, and bowls; we, if we are now drinking from our Samian jug 
 , still build our walls according to our means. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 But while she who is your mistress and mine is arranging her hair, and bedecking herself, I wish us to have some diversion among ourselves. I appoint you the commander 
 of this feast. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Very aptly does it suggest itself to your mind. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Wouldn't we be more suitably entertained like Cynics 
 on benches here, than upon couches? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Aye, but this is far the most pleasant. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 On which side is each of us to recline by our mistress? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Of course you go to the upper place. And, so that you may understand it, I make a division with you on these terms: consider, and take which province you would even like now to take. They take their places. 
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 But what's your meaning about this "province?" 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Whether you would choose to hold the command over the water or over Bacchus . 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Over Bacchus, most distinctly. But, in the meantime, general of ours, why stands this goblet here? See how many cups 
 we have drunk. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 As many as there are fingers on your hand. The Greek song is, "Drink either your five cups 
 or your three, but not your four." 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 
 about to drink . I pledge you. Do you take for yourself the tenth part from the fountain 
 , if you are wise. Here's luck to you, luck to us; here's luck to thee, luck to me; luck to our Stephanium as well. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 'Tis bravely done. I pledge you in a goblet. Drinks. 
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Keep your wine; I'd very much like something by way of a relish 
 . 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 If you are not satisfied with what's here, there's nothing else. Take some water 
 .
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 You say right; I care for no dainties. Drink away, Piper 
 
 ; drink, if you do drink. I' faith, this must be drunk--don't shirk it. Holds the goblet to the PIPER . Why flinch at what you see must be done by you? Why don't you drink? Do it, if you are to do it. Take it, I tell you, for the public pays for this. That's not your way to shirk your drink. Take your pipes 
 out of your mouth. The PIPER drinks. 
 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 When he has drunk, either do you mind my rules 
 , or else I'll give up. I don't wish us to drink this straight out; we shall soon be about nothing 
 ; for, by my faith, almost all in a moment, the cask might be turned head downwards 
 . 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 
 to the PIPER 
 . How now? Although you did make a fuss about it, still it didn't hurt you. Come, Piper , when you've done drinking, put back your pipes to your lips; quickly puff out your cheeks, just like a reptile serpent 
 . Come now, Stichus, whichever of the two breaks order, shall be fined a cup. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 You propose a good regulation. You ought to have your way, who only ask what's fair.
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Mind it then; if you offend, I'll forthwith take the forfeit on the spot. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 You ask what's quite right and just. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 
 pledging STICHUS . Here's to you first of all. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 'Tis a droll thing this, for two persons, rivals of each other, to be courting, to be drinking from one goblet, and to be kissing one wench. 'Tis worthy of remark this: I am you, you are I; of one accord are we. With one mistress are we both in love; when she's with me, still she's with you; and when she's with you, she's with me as well; neither of us envies the other. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Come, come, there's enough of it; I don't want it overdone to weariness. I'd now like some other sport. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Drink on, if you are drinking. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 There shall be no skulking in me. But, troth, I've had enough of the feast; would but our mistress come here. If she were here, nothing else would be away. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Should you like us to invite our mistress out? She shall give us a dance. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 I agree. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 
 calling aloud . My sweet one, my lovely one, my pleasing one, Stephanium, do come out of doors to your sweethearts; to me you are quite charming. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 But to me, indeed, most charming. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Make us jovial fellows more jovial by your assistance and your company. Returning from abroad, we want you, dear little Stephanium, my honey, that is, if our lovingness is pleasing to you, if we are acceptable to you.

Enter STEPHANIUM, from the house of PAMPHILUS. 
 
 STEPHANIUM 
 I'll indulge you, my dears; but, so may pretty Venus favour me, I should have already come out of doors here together with you, had I not been sprucing myself up for you. For such is the way of woman, when she is well washed, made clean, dressed and tricked out, still is she incomplete; and a female who is a courtesan much more quickly acquires dislike for herself by sluttishness than always keeps in favour through neatness. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 That's very cleverly said. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 'Tis the genuine language of Venus . 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Sagarinus. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 What's the matter?
 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 I'm in pain all over. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 All over? So much the more unfortunate you. 
 
 
 STEPHANIUM 
 Where do I take my place? 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Wherever you please. 
 
 
 STEPHANIUM 
 I'd like with both of you, for I love you both. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Whack go my savings 
 . I'm done for; freedom has abandoned this person of mine. 
 
 
 STEPHANIUM 
 Prithee, do give me room, where I may take my place, if, indeed, I am agreable. She takes her place. Now I do long to be cozy with you both. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 . I'm ruined utterly. What were you saying? 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Heyday! What's the matter? 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 So may the Gods favour me, it never shall be otherwise this day but that this girl shall have a dance somehow. Come, my love, my sweet, do dance; I'll dance too. They rise and dance. 
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 I' faith, you shan't that way get the better of me, but what I'll have a bit of enjoyment, too, that way. 
 
 
 STEPHANIUM 
 Well, if I must dance, do you then give the Piper something to drink. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Aye, and to me. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 
 holds the goblet to the PIPER 
 . Piper , you take first: and after that, if you tipple this off, just as has been your wont before to-day, straightway strike up some merry and amorous tune to dance to, by which we may tingle all over from our very finger nails. Pour some water here.
 
 
 
 The PIPER stops playing while he drinks the water. 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Take this, you; toss it off. The drink didn't please him just now; now at last he takes it with less difficulty. Take it, you. To STEPHANIUM. In the meantime, apple of my eye, give me a kiss while he's drinking. 
 
 
 STEPHANIUM 
 Why, it's the way of a common strumpet, for a damsel to give a kiss standing to her sweetheart as he stands. She turns away, while he tries to kiss her. 
 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 Bravo! bravo! that's the way it's given to a thief 
 . 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Come, blow out your cheeks now; something in the amorous way 
 at once. Give us a new tune in return for the old wine.
 
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 What person in the Ionian 
 or the ballet line is there that can do anything like that? He capers about. 
 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 If you get the better of me this turn 
 , just challenge me to another. 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Just you do it in this fashion. Capers. 
 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 And you in this fashion. Capers too. 
 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 O grand 
 ! 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 O fine! 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 O wonderful! 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 QUIET 
 ! 
 
 
 SAGARINUS 
 Now, then, both in the same step. They dance quietly, in the same measure. I challenge all the dancing-masters to dance against me. 'Tis no more possible for there to be enough of this for us than for there to be too much rain for a mushroom. 
 
 
 STICHUS 
 
 (ceasing to dance) Let's away hence in-doors at once now; we've danced long enough for the wine 
 . You, Spectators, give us your applause, and then go home to enjoy yourselves.