(Before daybreak.) Enter at one side of the stage PHÆDROMUS, with a lighted torch, and followed by SLAVES with wine and provisions for an entertainment, and PALINURUS on the opposite side. 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Whither away must I say that you are going out of doors at this time o' night, Phædromus, with that dress and with this train 
 ? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Whither Venus and Cupid summon me, and Love persuades me; whether 'tis the midnight or whether the earliest twilight, if the day is fixed 
 for pleading your cause with your antagonist, still must you go where they command you, whether you will or no. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 But pray, pray---- 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Pray ---- you are annoying to me. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Really that is neither pretty nor befitting you to say. You are your own servant 
 ; in your fine garb you are showing the light with your waxen torch 
 . 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 And ought I not to carry that which is gathered by the labour of the little bees--which has its birth in sweets--to my own sweet one, my little honey? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 But whither must I say that you are going? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 If you ask me that, I'll tell, so that you may know. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 If I make the enquiry, what would you answer me? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 This is the Temple pointing to it of Æsculapius. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 That I have known for more than a twelvemonth past. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Close to it is that door, dear as my very eyes. Points to the door of CAPPADOX. Hail to you! door, dear as my very eyes; have you been quite well of late? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Did a fever leave you 
 but yesterday, or the day before, and did you take your dinner yesterday? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Are you laughing at me? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Why then, madman, are you enquiring whether the door is well or not? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I' faith, I've known it as a door most comely and most discreet: never one word does it whisper; when it is opened, it is silent; and when, by night, she secretly comes out to me, it holds its peace. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 And are you not, Phædromus, doing, or contemplating the doing of, some deed which is unworthy of yourself or of your family? Are you not laying a snare for some modest fair one, or for one that should be modest? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 For no one; and may Jupiter not permit me to do so. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 I wish the same. Ever, if you are wise, so bestow your love, that if the public should know the object which you love, it may be no disgrace to you. Ever do you take care that you be not disgraced 
 .
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What means that expression? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 For you to proceed with caution on your path; the object that you love, love in the presence of witnesses. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Why, 'tis a Procurer that lives here. He points. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 No one drives you away from there, nor yet forbids you, if you have the money, to buy what's openly on sale. No one forbids any person from going along the public road, so long as he doesn't make a path through the field that's fenced around; so long as you keep yourself away from the wife, the widow, the maiden, youthful age, and free-born children, love what you please. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 This is the house of a Procurer. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 A curse befall it. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Why so? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Because it serves in an infamous service. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You speak out. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Be it so, most especially. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Once more, will you hold your tongue? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 You bade me speak out 
 , I thought. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Then, now I forbid you. But, as I had begun to say, he has a young female slave---- 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 This Procurer, you mean, who's living here? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You have hold of it exactly. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 The less shall I be in dread of its falling. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You are impertinent. He wishes to make her a courtesan, while she is desperately in love with me; whereas I don't wish to have her upon loan. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Why so? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Because I'm for having her as my own; I love her equally as well. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Clandestine courtship is bad; 'tis utter ruin. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I' troth, 'tis so as you say. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Has she as yet submitted to the yoke of Venus? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 For me she is as chaste as though she were my own sister, unless, indeed, she is any the more unchaste for some kissing.
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Always, do you understand, flame follows very close on smoke; with smoke, nothing can be burnt, with flame, it can. He who wishes to eat the kernel 
 of the nut, first breaks the nut; he who wishes to seduce, opens the dance 
 with kisses. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 But she is chaste, and never yet has bestowed her favours upon man. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 That I could believe 
 , if any Procurer had any shame. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Well, but what think you of her? When she has any opportunity, she steals away to me; when she has given me a kiss, she's off again. This happens by reason of this, because this Procurer is lying a-bed ill in the Temple 
 of Æsculapius; that fellow is my torturer. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 How so? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 At one time he asks me for thirty minæ for her, at another for a great talent; and from him I cannot obtain any fair and just dealing. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 You are too exacting, in requiring that of him which no Procurer possesses. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Now, I've sent my Parasite hence to Caria 
 
 , to ask for money on loan from my friend; if he doesn't bring me this, which way to turn myself I know not. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 If you salute the Deities, towards the right 
 I think; now this is this altar of Venus before their door.
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I have already vowed to bring me 
 an early breakfast for my Venus 
 . 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 What? Will you then be giving up yourself as a breakfast to Venus? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Myself, and you, and all of these. Pointing to the SLAVES. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Then you would have Venus to be sick outright. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 to an ATTENDANT . Here, boy, give me the bowl. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 What are you going to do? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You'll know directly. An old hag is in the habit of sleeping here, as the keeper of the door; the name of the Procuress is "Much-bibber" and "Neat-bibber." 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Just as you would speak of a flagon, in which Chian wine 
 is wont to be. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What need is there of words? She is a most vinous soul; and the very moment that I've sprinkled this door with the wine, she knows by the smell that I'm here, and opens it forthwith. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Is it for her the bowl is brought with the wine? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Unless you object. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 I' faith, I do object; for I'd rather have it broken about him who has brought it. I fancied it was brought for ourselves. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Why don't you hold your tongue? If any's left after her, it will be enough for ourselves. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 What river is it, pray, that the sea does not receive? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Follow me this way, Palinurus, to the door; do you be obedient to me. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 I'll do so. They advance to the door of the PROCURER'S house. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 sprinkling the door with wine . Come, drink, you joyous door, quaff on, readily prove propitious unto me.
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 in an afected tone . Door, would you like some olives or a tit-bit, or some capers? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Arouse and send out here to me your portress. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 You're spilling the wine; what matter is it that possesses you? Takes hold of his arm. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Let me alone. Don't you see? This most joyous door is opening; does the hinge make a bit of creaking? 'Tis a charming one. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Why don't you then give it a kiss? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Hold your tongue; let's keep back the light and our noise. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Be it so. They stand apart, leaving the bowl near the door.

Enter the PROCURESS, from the house of CAPPADOX. 
 
 PROC. 
 The savour of aged wine has reached my nostrils; the love of it has brought me in my eagerness hither in the dark; wherever it is, it's near me. O capital, I've found it. Stooping, and smelling at the bowl. Hail to you, my soul, Joy of dear Bacchus; how enamoured am I of your old age. For in comparison with yours, the odour of all unguents were mere bilge-water; you are my myrrh, you my cinnamon, you my rose, you my saffron unguent and my cassia, you are my vine-palm 
 scent. But, where you have been poured, there would I most earnestly hope to be buried. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 apart . This old lady's thirsty; how limited is her thirst? PHÆD. apart . She's a moderate person; she swallows eight gallons 
 only. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 apart . I' faith, according to your account, this year's vintage is not enough for this old woman alone. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 But since as yet you, fragrance, alone have penetrated to my nostrils, so in its turn afford some delight to my throat. Feels for the bowl on the ground, which PALINURUS draws away. I find you not; where is your own dear self? I'm longing to touch you; do let me pour your liquids into me by sip-sipping. But in this direction it has gone, this way I'll. follow it. Goes in the direction of PALINURUS, who has the bowl. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 apart . It really had been more proper for her to be a dog; she has a good nose. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 Prithee, whose voice is it that I hear at a distance. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 apart . I think that this old hag should be accosted. I'll approach her. Aloud. Come back, Procuress, and look back towards me. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 Who is it that gives his commands? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 The all-powerful in wine, jolly Bacchus; he who, when you're hawking, parched, and half asleep, brings you a draught and comes to quench your thirst. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 How far is he away from me? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 holding up the torch . See this light. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 Then, prithee, do quicken your pace towards me. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Health to you. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 How can I have health, who am parched with thirst? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 But you shall drink in a moment. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 'Tis long a-coming. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 extending the bowl . Here's for you, jolly old dame. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 Health to you, gentleman dear as my very eyes. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Come, toss this off quickly into your abyss; scour out your sink right speedily. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Hold your tongue; I won't have her ill spoken to. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 aside . In preference, then, I'll do her ill. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 
 pouring some of the residue on the altar . Venus, of this little, this very little will I give to thee 
 --sore against my will; for all the lovers, in their cups, to propitiate thee, expend their wine upon thee: not such windfalls often fall to me. Drinks again. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Do look at that, please, how greedily the filthy hag swills down the pure wine into herself with distended gullet. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 
 patting her stomach and chuckling . Ha, ha, ha 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 How is it? Do you like it? 
 
 
 PROC. 
 I do like it. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 And I, too, should like to goad with a spur as well. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 aside to PALINURUS . Don't you--do hold your tongue. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 I'll hold my tongue; the old woman drinks but see, the rainbow's drinking 
 ; I' faith, I do believe it will rain to-day. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Troth now, I'm quite undone; what first to say to her I know not. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Why, the same thing that you said to me. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What's that? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Say that you're quite undone. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 May the Gods confound you. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Say so to her. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Am I to say then to her----? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Say what? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 That I'm quite undone. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Well then, say so. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Old lady, do listen. I wish you to know this; to my sorrow, I'm quite undone. 
 
 
 PROC. 
 But, i' faith, for my part, I'm altogether brought to life. But why is it that you are pleased to say you are quite undone? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Because I'm deprived of the object which I love. Pretends to weep 
 
 
 
 PROC. 
 My dear Phædromus, prithee, do not weep; do you take care that I'm not thirsty, I'll at once bring out here for you the object which you love. Goes into the house. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Assuredly, if you keep faith with me, in place of a golden statue, I'll erect for you one of wine 
 , which shall be a memorial of your gullet Palinurus, who on earth will be so blest as myself, if she comes to me? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 By my faith, he who is in love, if he is in want as well, is afflicted with a dreadful malady. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Such is not the case with me; for I feel sure that this very day my Parasite will come hither to me with the money. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 You attempt something mighty, if you expect that which nowhere exists. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What if I approach the door, and trill a carol 
 ? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 If you choose; I neither bid nor request you, since, my master, I see that you are of manners and disposition thus changed. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 sings . Bolts, O ye bolts, with pleasure do I salute you. I love you, I court you, I seek you, and you entreat; most kindly lend your aid to me in love; become, for my sake, as though play-actors 
 from foreign climes; leap upwards pray, and send out of doors this fair one, who drains my blood for me distractedly in love. Addressing PALINURUS. Look at that, how those most accursed bolts sleep on, and none the quicker for my sake do they bestir themselves. Addressing the door. I see quite clearly that you don't value my esteem at all. Hist! hush, hush! 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 I' troth, for my part I'm silent enough. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I hear a noise; at last, i' faith, these bolts have become complaisant to me.

Re-enter the PROCURESS, with PLANESIUM, from the house of CAPPADOX. 
 
 PROC. 
 
 to PLANESIUM, while opening the door . Come softly out, and prevent the noise of the doors and the creaking of the hinges, my dear Planesium, that our master mayn't perceive that that is going on which we are doing here. Stay, I'll pour a little water 
 on it. Pours water on the hinges. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 to PHÆDROMUS . Do you see how the palsied hag is giving her dose? She herself has learnt right well to drink up the wine; to the door she's giving water for it to drink. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 
 looking around . Where are you--you who have summoned me on the recognizances of Venus 
 ? To you do I present myself, and, in the same way do I call on you, on the other hand, to present yourself to me. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 stepping forward . Here I am; for could I be absent, I wouldn't repine for any misfortune to befall me, my honey. PLAN. My life, it is not becoming for one thus in love to be at a distance. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Palinurus, Palinurus! 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Say on; why is it that you call upon Palinurus? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 aside . She is a charming one. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 aside . Aye, too charming. PHÆD. I am a God. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Why, no--a mortal, of no great value. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What have you seen, or what will you see, more nearly to be compared with the Gods? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 You are not in your senses, master; a thing that's grievous to me. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You are not sufficiently respectful to me: hold your tongue. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 The person that sees 
 the object which he loves, and enjoys not the opportunity while he may, is one who torments his own self. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Rightly does he rebuke me; really there's nothing which for this long time past I have more eagerly desired. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Clasp me, embrace me then. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 embracing her . This, too, is a reason for which I could wish to live; because your master restrains, you, in secret do I court you. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Restrain me? He neither can restrain me, nor will he restrain me, unless death should separate my soul from you. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Let monarchs keep their kingdoms to themselves, the rich their riches to themselves, to themselves their honors, to themselves their prowess, to themselves their combats, to themselves their battles; so long as they abstain from envying me, let each one of them keep what is his own. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 aside . Of a truth, I cannot refrain from giving a lecture to my master; for, really, it is good to love in a moderate degree; to distraction, it is not good; but to love to entire distraction, is the thing that my master's doing. Aloud. What say you, sir? Have you made a vow, Phædromus, you'd watch the night through for Venus? For really, upon my faith, before very long hence the dawn will be breaking. 
 
 
 PRÆD. 
 Do hold your tongue. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Why hold my tongue? What, are you going to sleep?
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I am asleep; don't you make a noise. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Why, but you're broad awake. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Age, but after my own fashion I'm asleep; this is my slumber. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 to PLANESIUM . A word with you, madam; 'tis thoughtlessness to treat amiss one who deserves it not. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 You would be angry, if, when you are eating, he were to drive you away 
 from your food. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 aside . It's all over with him. I see that these two are equally in love to distraction; and both of them are mad. D'ye see how intensely they hug each other? They cannot embrace enough. Addressing them. Are you going to part yet? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 No human being has blessings that last 
 for ever. To this pleasure, then, is that plague added. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 What say you, you shocking hussy 
 ? What, you little tipsy ninny 
 , are even you with your owlish eyes 
 to be calling me a plague, you whipper-snapper? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What, you abusing my own Venus? And really, is a slave well trounced with the rod to be commencing a discussion with myself? But, by the powers, you've surely said that to your own misfortune. Strikes him. There, take that, by way of punishment for this abusive language, that you may be able to put a check upon your speech. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 to PLANESIUM . Your aid, I pray, you night- watching Venus. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What, do you still persist, whip- scoundrel? Strikes hint. 
 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Don't, there's a dear, be beating a stone, lest you should hurt your hand. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 You perpetrate, Phædromus, a flagitious and a shameful deed of great enormity; one who directs you aright, you pummel with your fists; her you are in love with, a mere nonentity. Is it right that you should behave yourself in this unreasonable manner? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Find me a reasonable lover against his weight in gold; here, take the gold of me. Holds out his purse. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Do you find me a person for me to serve in his sound senses against his weight in double-distilled gold. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Kindly fare you well, apple of my eye, for I hear the sound and creaking of doors; I think the keeper 
 is opening the temple. But, prithee, in this same manner shall we always enjoy our love by stealth? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Far from it; for I sent my Parasite four days since to Caria to fetch some money; he'll be here to-day. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 You are very long in your contriving. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 So may Venus love me, I'll never allow you to be three days in this house here, before I procure your liberty. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Take care to remember it. Once more, before I go hence, take this kiss. Kisses him. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 By heavens, really if a kingdom now were offered me, I should not obtain it with greater pleasure. When shall I see you again? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Why now, for that expression get ready the Prætor's rod 
 ; if you love me, purchase my freedom; don't make any haggling. Take care to prevail with your offer. Kindly adieu! Goes into the house of the PROCURER. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 And am I then left behind? Palinurus, I'm Lilled outright.
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 And I as well, who am dying with thumps and sleepiness. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Do you follow me. They go into the house of PHÆDROMUS.

Enter CAPPADOX, from the Temple of ÆSCULAPIUS. 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 to himself . I am resolved to depart from this Temple out of doors forthwith, since thus I find 
 the determination of Æsculapius, who sets me at nought, and chooses not that I should be healed. My health is declining, my weakness increases. For now I walk, girded with my spleen as though with a belt; in my stomach do I seem to be holding a twin offspring. I'm afraid of nothing, but that, in my misery, I should burst asunder in the middle.
 PHÆDROMUS. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 speaking to PHÆDROMUS within as he enters . If you do right, Phædromus, you'll listen to me, and banish this sorrow from your feelings. You are anxious because your Parasite hasn't returned from Caria. I think he'll bring the money; but if he doesn't bring it, by a chain of iron he couldn't be withheld from betaking himself to eat at his manger 
 . 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 turning round . What person is it that speaks? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 to himself . Whose voice is it that I hear? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Isn't this Palinurus, the servant of Phædromus? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 aside . Who is this fellow with extended paunch, and eyes as green as grass? From his figure I know him; from his complexion I cannot recognize him. O, now I do know him: it's the Procurer Cappadox. I'll accost him. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Save you, Palinurus. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 O source of villanies, save you; how are you? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I'm just alive. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Just as you deserve, I suppose? But what's the matter with you? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 My spleen is killing me, my reins are in torment, my lungs are being torn asunder, my liver is being tortured, my heart-strings are giving way, all my intestines are in pain.
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 The liver complaint is afflicting you, then. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 My spleen is expanded. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Take walking exercise 
 ; that's the best thing for the spleen. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 'Tis an easy matter to laugh at the afflicted. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Well, then, do you hold out 
 for some days until your intestines become putrid. Now, while the humours are pretty sound, if you do that, you yourself might sell for a worse price than those intestines of yours. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Prithee, have done with this, and answer me this which I ask; can you possibly form a conjecture on it, if I relate to you what I dreamt last night in my sleep? 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 Psha, this-- pointing to himself --this is the sole person that is really skilled in divination; why, the interpreters of dreams ask advice of myself; the answer that I have given them, by that opinion they all stand.

Enter a COOK, from the house of PHÆDROUMS. 
 
 COOK 
 Palinurus, why do you delay? Why are not the things served out for me which are needed for the breakfast to be prepared for the Parasite when he comes. 
 
 
 PAR. 
 Wait, please, until I interpret his dream. Pointing to CAPPADOX. 
 
 
 
 COOK 
 Why, you your own self, if you've had any dream, always apply to me. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 I confess it. 
 
 
 COOK 
 Be off, then, and serve out the things. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 to CAPPADOX . Come now, do you in the meantime relate your dream to him. I give you a substitute better than I am myself; for what I do know, all of it I know from him. Pointing to the COOK. 
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Let him give his attention then. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 He'll give it. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 He does what few do, in being attentive to their masters even. To the COOK. Do you give me your attention then. PALINURUS goes into the house of PHÆDROMUS. 
 
 
 
 COOK 
 Although I don't know you, I'll give it you. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Last night I seemed in my sleep to behold Æsculapius, seated at a distance far away from me; and it seemed that he didn't come near me, or set any value upon me. 
 
 
 COOK 
 The other Gods will do the same, you must know; in fact, among themselves they agree with perfect unanimity. It isn't to be wondered at, if it fares no better with you. But it had been better for you to pass the night in Jove's Temple, who has given you his assistance 
 in your oaths.
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 If, indeed, those should wish to sleep there who have been guilty of perjury, it were not possible for room to be found them in the Capitol 
 . 
 
 
 COOK 
 Give your attention to this; ask peace of Æsculapius, lest perchance some great mishap befall you, which has been portended to you in your rest. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 You do well in advising me; I'll go and pray to him. Goes into the Temple. 
 
 
 
 COOK 
 And ill speed you with it * * * * * * Goes into the house of PHÆDROMUS. 

 Enter PALINURUS, from the house. 
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 looking in the distance, as he enters . O immortal Gods, whom do I behold? Who's that yonder? Pointing. Isn't that the Parasite, who was sent to Caria? Goes to the door. Hallo, come out, Phædromus, come out, come out, come out this instant, I say.
 from the house. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Why are you making this noise here?
 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 ] see your Parasite running; see, there he is pointing , down at the end of the street 
 . Let's listen from here what he's about. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I think it's as well. They stand aside.

Enter CURCULIO, at a distance, walking fast. 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 to himself . Known or unknown, make way for me, while here I execute my commission; fly all of you, be off, and get out of the way, lest I should hurt any person in my speed with my head, or elbow, or breast, or with my knee. So suddenly now am I charged with a business of quickness and despatch. And be there no person ever so opulent to stop me in my way, neither general 
 , nor any tyrant 
 , nor market-officer 
 , nor demarch 
 nor comarch 
 , with their honors so great, but that down he goes, and tumbles head first from the footpath into the carriage-road. And then those Grecians with their cloaks, who walk about with covered heads, who go loaded beneath their cloaks with books, and with baskets 
 , they loiter together, and engage in gossipping among themselves, the gad-abouts 
 ; you may always see them enjoying themselves in the hot liquor-shops 
 ; when they have scraped up some trifle, with their covered pates they are drinking mulled wine, sad and maudlin they depart: if I stumble upon them here, from every single one of them I'll squeeze out a belch from their pearled-barley diet 
 . And then those servants of your dainty townsmen 
 , who are playing at catch-ball in the road, both throwers and catchers, all of them I'll pitch under foot. Would they avoid a mishap, why then, let them keep at home. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 apart . He points out aright, he only requires that he should speak with authority; for such manners are in vogue in the present day, such at present are the slaves; really, control cannot be held over them. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 to himself . Is there any one, I wonder, who can point out to me Phædromus, my good Genius? The matter is of such pressing nature, I really must meet with the man this instant. 
 
 
 PALINURUS 
 
 apart . He's looking for you. PHÆD. apart . What if we accost him? Aloud. Hallo! Curculio, I want you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 looking round . Who's calling me? Who's mentioning my name? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 One who wishes to meet with you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 seeing him . You don't wish more for me than I wish for you.
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 O my own ready occasion, Curculio, much longed-for, greetings to you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Greetings to you. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I'm glad that you have arrived safe; give me your right hand. How stand my hopes? Troth now, prithee, do speak out. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 To you, troth now, prithee, do speak out, how stand my own. Makes curious gestures. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What's the matter with you? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 A dimness is beginning to come, my knees are failing through fasting. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I' faith, through lassitude, I think. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 staggering . Support me, prithee, do support me. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 See how pale he has turned; will you give him a seat, for him to be seated at once, and an ewer with some water? Will you make haste, this very instant? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'm faint. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Would you like some water? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 If it's full of bits 
 of meat, prithee, give it me to swallow down, i' faith. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Woe be to that head of yours. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Troth now, prithee do give me cause to rejoice at my arrival 
 . 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 begins to fan him . By all means. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Prithee, what's this you're about. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Some air. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Really, for my part, I don't want a breath to be raised. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What then? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 To eat, that I may rejoice on my arrival. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 May Jupiter and the Deities confound you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'm quite undone; I can hardly see; my mouth is bitter; my teeth, I find, are blunted 
 ; my jaws are clammy through fasting; with my entrails thus lank with abstinence from food am I come. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You shall eat something just now. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I' faith, I don't want "something;" I'd rather have what's fixed for certain, than your "something."
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Aye, but if you only knew what has been put by for you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'd very much like to know where it is; for really it's necessary for it and my teeth to make acquaintance. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 A gammon of bacon, a sow's stomach, some udder and kernels of the throat. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 What, all this do you say? Perhaps you mean that they are in the flesh-market? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 In the dishes, I mean; they've been got ready for you, since we knew that you were about to arrive. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Take care you don't be fooling me. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 So may the fair one love me whom I love, I don't say what's false. But as to what I sent you upon I'm none the wiser yet. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I've brought back nothing. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You've undone me. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I can find something, if you'll give me your attention. After, at your request, I had set out, I arrived in Caria; I saw your friend; I asked him to make me a loan of some money. In answer, you were to know that he was willing to oblige you; he didn't wish to disappoint you, as it is only proper that a person who is a friend should be ready, and should assist his friend. In a few words he answered me, and quite in confidence, that he also was in the same extreme want of money as yourself. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 By your words you ensure my undoing. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Why no; I'm saving you, and wish you to be saved. After this answer was given me, I went away from him to the Forum, in sorrow that I had applied to him in vain. By accident I espied a military officer; this person I accosted, and as I approached I saluted him. "Save you," said he to me, took my right hand, drew me aside, and asked me why I had come to Caria. I said that I had come there for the sake of amusement. Upon this he asked me whether I knew a certain Lyco, a banker of Epidaurus. I said I knew him. "Well, and the Procurer Cappadox?" I answered yes, that I had seen him. "But what do you want of him?" said I. "Because," said he, "I bought of him a girl for thirty minæ, her clothes and golden jewels too; and for these last ten minæ more are added." "Have you paid the money?" said I. "No," said he; "it is lodged with this Lyco the banker, whom I was mentioning, and I've instructed him that the person who should bring a letter sealed with my own ring, to him he was to give his services, that he might receive the damsel, with her jewels of gold and her clothes, from the Procurer." After he told me this, I was going away from him. At once he called me back, invited me to dinner; it was a point of conscience, I was unwilling to refuse him. "What if we go off home, and take our places at table?" said he. The suggestion pleased me; it is neither proper to lengthen out the day, nor to curtail the night. Everything was prepared, and we, for whom it was prepared, were at our places. After we had dined and well drunk, he asked for the dice to be fetched him. He challenged me to play with him a game of hazard. I staked my cloak, he staked his ring against it; he called on the name 
 of Planesium. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What, my mistress? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Be silent a while. He threw a most losing cast 
 . I took up the dice, and invoked Hercules as my genial patron 
 ; I threw a first-rate cast 
 , and pledged him in a bumping cup; in return he drank it off, reclined his head, and fell fast asleep. I slily took away from him the ring, and took my legs quietly from off the couch, so that the Captain mightn't perceive it. The servants enquired whither I was going; I said that I was going whither persons when full are wont to go. When I beheld the door, at once on the instant I betook myself away from the place. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I commend you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Commend me when I've brought this thing about which you desire. Now let's go indoors, that we may seal the letter. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Do I delay you? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 But let's cram down something first, the gammon, the udder, and the kernels; these are the foundations for the stomach, with bread and roast beef, a good-sized cup and a capacious pot, that counsel enough may be forthcoming. Do you, yourself, seal the letter; he'll do the honors pointing to PALINURUS while I am eating. I'll dictate after what fashion you're to write. Follow me this way, in-doors. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I follow. They go into the house of PHÆDROMUS.

Enter LYCO. 
 
 LYCO 
 I seem to be in opulence; I've struck my balance, how much money I have, and how much I owe. I'm rich, if I don't pay 
 those to whom I'm in debt. If I do pay those to whom I'm in debt, my debts are the greatest. But really, upon my faith, when I carefully consider, if they press me hard, I'll resort to the Prætor 
 . Most bankers have this habit, for one to borrow of the other, and to pay nobody, and to discharge the debt with their fists, if any one duns in a loudish tone. The person that has 
 in a short time acquired wealth, unless in good time he saves it, in good time comes to starvation. I'd like to buy a servant for myself, who now, however, must be sought by me on hire 
 : there's occasion for my ready money.
 within. 
 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Don't you be reminding me now I'm full; I recollect and understand. I'll render up to you all this cleverly carried out; do hold your peace. I' faith, I've surely filled myself in-doors right well, and still in my stomach I've left room for one corner, in which to stow away the remnants of these remnants. Seeing LYCO. Who's this that with covered head is saluting Æsculapius? Heyday, the very man I wanted. To an ATTENDANT. Follow me. I'll make pretence as though I didn't know him. Aloud. Hark you; I want you. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 
 turning round . One-eyed man 
 , save you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Prithee, do you jeer me? 
 
 
 LYCO 
 I suppose that you are of the family of the Coclites 
 ; for they are one-eyed. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 This was knocked out for me by a catapulta, at Sicyon. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 What matters it to me, pray, if it had been knocked out by a broken pot with cinders in it? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 aside. This fellow's a wizard, surely 
 ; he tells the truth, for such catapultas are often directed at me. Aloud. Young man, as I bear this mark on my face 
 in the service of the public, prithee don't be uncivil 
 to me. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 May I then inforize 
 you, if I may not incomitiatize? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 You shan't be inforizing me, indeed; and really I don't care at all about your Forum or your Comitia. But if you can point me out this person that I'm seeking, you will be doing me a real and a great service. I'm looking for Lyco the banker. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Tell me why you are now seeking for him, or, of what country are you? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'll tell you: I'm come from Therapontigonus Platagidorus, the Captain. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 I' faith, I know the name: aside for with that same name, when I wrote, I filled four whole sides 
 . To CURCULIO. But why are you seeking for Lyco? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 showing the letter . I've been ordered to deliver this letter to him. LYC. What person are you? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 His freed-man, whom all call Summanus 
 . 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Summanus, my greetings. But why Summanus? Let me know. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Because, when in my drunken fit I've gone to sleep, I "summane 
 " the garments; for that reason do all people call me Summanus. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 'Twere better for you to look out for entertainment for you somewhere else; really in my own house I have no room for a Summanus. But I am the person that you are looking for. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Prithee, are you he, Lyco the banker? 
 
 
 LYCO 
 I am. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Therapontigonus requested me to give you a hearty greeting, and to deliver this letter. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 What, to me? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Just so. Take it, recognize the seal. Do you know it? LYCO takes the letter. 
 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Why should I not know it? On which, a man, holding a shield, is cleaving an elephant asunder with a sword. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 What's written there he bade me request you to do immediately, if you wished for his esteem. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Step aside; I'll look what's written in it. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 stepping aside . By all means, at your pleasure, so long as I receive of you that which I'm come for. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 
 reads . "Therapontigonus Platagidorus, the Captain, his guest, sends to his host Lyco, at Epidaurus, right hearty greeting."
 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 aside . This fellow's my own; he's swallowing the hook. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 
 going on . "I beg and request of you that, the person who delivers this letter to you, to him be given up the girl whom I purchased there (which I did there in your presence, and you being the negotiator), and the golden trinkets and clothes as well. You know already how it was agreed upon. You give the money to the Procurer, and give the young woman to this person." To CURCULIO. Where is he himself? Why doesn't he come? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'll tell you; because it is but four days since we arrived in Caria, from India; there he now intends to order a solid golden statue to be made of Philippean gold, which is to be seven feet high--a memorial of his exploits. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 For what reason this? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'll tell you; why, because within twenty days he singly has subdued the Persians, Paphlagonians, Sinopians, Arabians, Cretans, Syrians, Rhodia and Lycia, Peredia and Bibesia 
 , Centauromachia and Classia Unomammia 
 , and all Libya, and all Conterebromia; one half even of all nations has he conquered unaided in twenty days. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Dear me! 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Why are you surprised? 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Why, because if all these people were penned up in a cage as close as chickens, even so they couldn't be encompassed in a year. Upon my faith, 1 do believe that you are 
 come from him; for you do jabber such nonsense. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Aye, and I can tell you still more, if you like. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 No; I don't want it. Follow me this way. I'll pay you that, on account of which you came; and lo, 1 see * * * * * * * * *

 from his house. 
 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Save you, Procurer. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 May the Gods prosper you. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Do you know what this is about which I'm come to you? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Say on what you please. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 You are to receive the money, and to send away the young woman with him. Pointing to CURCULIO. 
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 But what if I'm bound on oath to another? 
 
 
 LYCO 
 What matters that to you, so long as you get the money? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 He who advises is as good as an accomplice. Do you follow. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Procurer, take care that you don't cause me any delay. They go into the house of CAPPADOX.

Enter the CHOREGUS , as CHORUS. 
 
 THE CHOREGUS 
 By my faith, Phædromus has cleverly met with this clever rogue; but whether a salt-water rogue 
 or a dry-land one I'm the rather to say he is, I really don't know. The costume that I've lent I fear I shan't get back. Although I have nothing whatever to do with him (I trusted Phædromus himself), still I'll keep an eye upon him. But until he comes out of doors, I'll point out in what place you may easily meet with each person, that he mayn't lose his labour through too much trouble, if any one wishes to meet either a rascal or one without rascality, or an honest man or a dishonest one. He who desires to meet with a perjured fellow, let him go into the courts of law 
 ; he who wants a liar and a braggart, near the rites of Cloacina 
 . The rich and erring husbands seek you at the magisterial halls of the Basilica. There, too, will be the worn-out harlots, and those who are wont to haggle for them. Contributors to pic-nic dinners 
 you'll find in the fishmarket. In the lower part of the Forum good men 
 and opulent do walk; in the middle, near the canal 
 , there are the mere puffers-off. Beyond the lake 
 of Curtius are impudent, talkative, and malevolent fellows, who boldly, without reason, utter calumnies about another, and who, themselves, have sufficient that might with truth be said against them. There, at the old shops 
 , are these who lend and those who borrow at interest. Behind the Temple of Castor there are those to whom unguardedly you may be lending to your cost. There, in the Etrurian street, are those men who hold themselves 
 on sale. In the Velabrum 
 you'll find either baker, or butcher, or soothsayer; either those who sell retail themselves, or supply to others things to be sold by retail. Rich sinning husbands you'll find at the house of Oppian Leucadia 
 . But, meantime, the door makes a noise; I must curb my tongue. (Exit.)

Enter, from the house of CAPPADOX, CURCULIO, leading PLANESIUM, followed by LYCO and CAPPADOX. 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Maiden, do you go before; what is behind me I cannot keep my eye upon. Both the trinkets of gold, and all the clothing that she had, were his own, he said. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 No one is going to deny it. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Still, however, it's somewhat better for me to remind you. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Remember that you've undertaken, that, if any one should assert in course of law that she's properly free, all the money is to be returned to me-thirty minæ. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I shall remember; be easy about that; and now I say the same. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 But I wish you to remember this well. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I remember, and I shall deliver her to you on warranty 
 . 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 And am I to take anything on warranty from a Procurer, people who have nothing of their own except a tongue only; who, if anything's entrusted them, deny it upon oath? You Procurers dispose of what belongs to others, you give liberty to what belongs to others, and what belongs to others your give your commands to; no guarantee of ownership is there in the transfer to yourselves, nor are you yourselves guarantees to another person. The race of Procurers, among mortals, in my way of thinking at least, are just like flies, gnats, bugs, lice, and fleas--a plague, a mischief, and a nuisance; you are of no serviceable use, and no respectable person dares to stand with you in the Forum; he that does associate with you, they censure him, he's spat upon and abused; they say that he has lost his property and his honor, although he has done nothing at all. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Upon my faith, my clever one-eyed friend, in my way of thinking, you are well acquainted with the Procurers. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 You bankers, i' faith, I put and place in the same rank; you are the very counterparts of them. They, at least, are on sale in dark corners, you in the very Forum 
 . You tear men to pieces with usury, they by persuading them amiss and by means of their dens. Full many a proposed statute 
 has the public confirmed on your account, which when confirmed you break; some loophole you find out; just as boiling water becomes cold, so do you deem the laws. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 
 aside . I'd rather I'd held my tongue CAP. Not wrongfully, and with good reason, are you abusive against them. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 If abuse is uttered against those who deserve it not, that I do hold to be abuse; but if it is uttered against those who are deserving, it is fair censure, in my way of thinking, at least. I care nothing about your warranty, nor about any other Procurer whatever. Lyco, do you want anything with me? 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Heartily fare you well. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Farewell. Going. 
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Hark you! I say to you---- 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Say on; what do you want? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Prithee do you take care that all's well with her pointing to PLANESIUM ; I've brought her up in my house carefully and in chastity. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 If you have such compassion for her, pray, what would you give for it to be all well with her? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 A plaguy mishap for yourself. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 You need take due care on that score about yourself. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 to PLANESIUM, who is weeping . Why, simpleton, do you cry? Don't be afraid; upon my faith, I've sold you favourably. Take care, will you, and be a good girl; now prettily accompany him, pretty one. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Summanus, do you want anything with me at present? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Fare you well, and health attend you. Aside. For you've kindly given me your services and your money. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Give abundant greetings to my patron. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'll give them. (Exit with PLANESIUM.) 
 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Procurer, do you wish for anything? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Give me those ten minæ for me to manage for myself with, until things are better with me. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 They shall be paid; order them to be fetched to-morrow. (Exit.) 
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Since I've successfully finished the matter, I wish to return thanks here in the Temple. For long since, when a little girl, I bought her for ten minæ; but him who sold her to me, never since then have I set eyes upon. I think he's dead. What matters that to me? I've got the money. The man to whom the Gods are propitious, for him, no doubt, they throw gain in his way. Now will I give my attention to my devotions; it's clear that he has a kind regard for me. Goes into the Temple.

Enter THERAPONTIGONUS. and LYCO. 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I'm come now, inflamed with wrath in no moderate degree, but with that same with which I've learned to deal destruction upon cities. At once now, unless this moment you make haste instantly to pay me the thirty minæ which I left with you, make haste to lay down your life. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 By my troth, to no little mischief do I now devote you, but to that same to which I am wont to devote that man to whom I owe nothing at all. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Don't you be making yourself bold with me, or suppose that I shall be entreating you. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 And you, indeed, shall never force me to pay you what has been paid, nor shall I give it you. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I thought this, when I entrusted you with it, that you would repay nothing at all. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Why then are you now asking it back of me? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I wish to know to whom you have paid it. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 To your one-eyed freed-man; he said that he was called Summanus; I paid it to him, who brought me this sealed letter. Gives him the letter. 
 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What letter of mine, what one-eyed freed-man, what people called Summanus are you dreaming about? I really have no freed-man at all. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 You act more wisely than a portion of the military men who have freed-men, and then forsake them. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What have you done? 
 
 
 LYCO 
 What you requested me, I've done for your sake, that I mightn't slight the messenger who had brought your seal's impression. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 More fool than fool were you to give credit to this letter. 
 
 
 LYCO 
 To that by which matters both public and private are carried on ought I not to have given credit? I'll be off; the money has been properly paid you. Warrior, farewell. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 How--farewell? 
 
 
 LYCO 
 Fare you ill then, if you choose,--aye, all your life, so far as I'm concerned. (Exit.) 
 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What shall I do now? Of what use is it that I have caused kings to obey me, if this obscure fellow 
 is this day to laugh at me?

Enter CAPPADOX, from the Temple. 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 to himself . The man to whom the Gods are propitious, they cannot, I think, be angered with him. After I ad finished my devotions, it then came into my mind, lest the banker should abscond, to go fetch the money, that I may make good cheer rather than he. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I had left my compliments for you at your house. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Therapontigonus Platagidorus, save you; since you are come safe to Epidaurus this day, at my house--you won't lick up one grain of salt 
 . 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 You give me a kind invitation; things, however, are in a train for it to go badly with yourself. But how fares my purchase at your house? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Why, not at my house at all. Don't be bringing your witnesses--assuredly, I don't owe you anything. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 How's that? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 What I was bound on oath to do, I've done. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Will you give me up the girl or not, before I spit you with this sabre of mine, you whip-scoundrel? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I bid you go to perdition with all my heart; don't you be terrifying me. She has been carried off; you shall e carried off hence away from me, beyond a doubt, if you persist in abusing me, to whom I owe nothing but a punishing. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What, threaten me with a punishing? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Aye, and by my troth, I'll not be threatening, but I'll give it, if you persist in being impertinent to me. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 A Procurer, forsooth, threatening me; and are my combats in battle, so many in number, lying trodden under foot? But so may my sabre and my shield * * * * * trustily aid me when fighting in the field; unless the girl is restored to me, I'll at once cause the ants to carry you away piecemeal from this spot. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 And so may my tweezers 
 , my comb, my looking-glass, my crisping-iron, and my hair-scissors and scrubbing-towel love me well, I don't value your high-sounding words, nor these big threats of yours, a bit the more than my servant-girl that washes out my sink. I've given her up to him who brought the money from you. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What person was that? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 He said that he was Summanus, your freed-man. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Mine? You don't say so; i' faith, it's that Curculio that has put a trick upon me, when I think upon it; he stole my ring from me. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 aside . The Captain has been finely appointed to a cashiered company 
 . 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Where now shall I find Curculio 
 ? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 In some wheat with the greatest ease I'll make you find even five hundred Curculios instead of one. Therefore I'm off; fare you well, and my service to you. (Exit.) 
 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Fare you ill, a plague attend you. What shall I do? Shall I stop or go away? That I should have been imposed upon in this way! I'd like to give a reward to him who would point out that fellow to me. (Exit.)

Enter CURCULIO, with a ring, from the house of PHÆDROMUS. 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I've heard that an ancient Poet 
 wrote in a Tragedy, that two women are worse than one; such is the fact. But a more crafty woman than is this mistress of Phædromus, I never saw or heard of, nor, i' faith, can one be spoken of or imagined; she, as soon as ever she saw that I had got this ring, asked me whence I got it. "Why do you ask that?" said I. "Because I've need to know," said she. I said I wouldn't tell her. To get it away, she seized hold of my hand with her teeth. With much ado I betook me out of doors, and made my escape. Away with this slut 
 .

Enter PLANESIUM, followed by PHÆDROMUS, from his house. 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 My Phædromus, make haste. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Make haste for what? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 That you mayn't let the Parasite escape; the affair's of consequence. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Nothing have I 
 of consequence; for what I did have I quickly made away with? Seizes CURCULIO. I've got him; what's the matter? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Ask him whence he got that ring: my father used to wear it. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Why, troth, and so did my aunt. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 My mother gave it him to wear. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 And your father, in his turn, to me. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 You are talking nonsense. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I'm in the habit; for by reason of it I make a livelihood the more easily. What is the matter now? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 I entreat you, don't be keeping me from finding my parents. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 How can I? Have I got your father and mother hidden beneath the stone? Holding up the ring. 
 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 I was born a free woman. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 And so were many others, who are now in servitude. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Really now, I'm vexed. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 For my part, I've told you how this came into my possession. How often must you be told? I cheated the Captain at dice, I tell you.
 THERAPONTIGONUS. 
 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 
 eyeing CURCULIO . I'm all right; see, here he is whom I was looking for. How do you do, good sir? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I hear you; three casts of the dice, if you like, even for that scarf of yours. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Why don't you go to very perdition, with your casts and catch-pennies 
 ? Either give me back the money or the young woman? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 with an air of surprise . What money? what rubbish are you talking about to me? What young woman are you demanding back of me? THER. The one that you took away this day from the Procurer, you scoundrelly fellow. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I took none away. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Why, surely, I see her. There she is. Pointing to PLANESIUM. 
 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 This young woman is free. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What, my female slave free, to whom I have never given her liberty? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Who gave you possession of her, or of whom did you buy her? Let me know that? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Why, I paid the money for her through my banker--a sum which I'll have refunded to me fourfold by you and the Procurer. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 You, who understand how to traffic in young women, kidnapped and of free birth, come you before the judge. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I shan't come. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I may call my witness 
 to the summons. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 No, you mayn't. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 May Jupiter then utterly confound you: live without witnesses 
 then. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 But I'm a person that he may summon. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 to CURCULIO . Do you step this way. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What? A slave summoned as a witness? Take you care. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Well, that you may know it, I'm free. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Then come before the judge. There's for you: take that. Gives him a blow. 
 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 O townsmen, townsmen, help. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Why do you bawl so? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 What right have you to strike him? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Because I choose. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 to CURCULIO . Step this way you pushes him towards the CAPTAIN ; there, I'll give him up to you. Hold your noise. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Phædromus, prithee do save me. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 As I would myself and my own good Genius. Captain, prithee, do tell me whence you got that ring, which this Parasite purloined from you. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 
 kneeling before the CAPTAIN . By your knees, I do entreat you to give us that information. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What matters that to you? You might as well ask after this sabre and this scarf, how each came into my possession. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 What airs the swaggerer does give himself! 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Send that fellow away pointing to CURCULIO ; then I'll tell you all. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 It's nonsense what he says. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Prithee, do let me know. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I'll tell you: to PLANESIUM get up. Listen to this matter, and give attention. My father Periphanes used to wear it. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Ha! Periphanes? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 He, before he died, gave it to me as being his son, as it was right he should. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 O Jupiter! 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 And on that occasion he made me his heir. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 O filial affection, do thou preserve me, since I have carefully preserved thee. Welcome, my brother. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 How am I to believe that? Tell me, if you are speaking the truth, who was your mother? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Cleobula. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Who was your nurse? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Archestrata. Amid the sacred rites of Bacchus she had carried me to see the sights * * * * * * * after we had come thither, when now she had found me a place, a whirlwind arose 
 ; the scaffolding of the stage there tumbled down; I was greatly alarmed, and then some one, I know not who, seized hold of me trembling and frightened, neither alive nor dead; and in what manner he carried me off I cannot say. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I recollect that disturbance happening; but, do you tell me, where is this person, who carried you away? 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 I know not; but showing a ring this ring I have all along preserved by me, with it long since was I lost. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Give it me to look at. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 
 to PLANESIUM . Are you in your senses to be trusting it to that fellow? Holds her arm. 
 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Do you only leave me alone. (She gives it to the CAPTAIN.) 
 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 
 examining it . O Jupiter! This is the same that I presented you upon your birthday; I recognize it as easily as my own self. Welcome to you, my sister.
 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 My brother, welcome to you. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I trust the Gods will prosper this matter for you. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 And I, for all of us. To the CAPTAIN. Do you, as having this day arrived, give a dinner in honor of your sister he pointing to PHÆDROMUS , to-morrow, will give one in honor of his marriage; we promise that. 
 
 
 PIÆD. 
 
 to CURCULIO . Do you hold your tongue. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 I shan't hold my tongue, as things are turning out so well. Captain, do you promise her to him; I'll give the marriage-portion. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What is the marriage-portion? 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 What, that I give? Why, that always as long as he lives he's to feed me. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I' troth, he says what's fair; with my consent you shall do so. But this Procurer owes me the thirty minæ. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 For what reason so? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Because he agreed with me on these terms to give it back: that if any one should assert her to be free born in due course of law, he would, without dispute, pay back all the money. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Then let's go to the Procurer. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I agree. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 This first I wish; to despatch my matter. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What's that? 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 That you will betroth her to me. The CAPTAIN considers. 
 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 Why do you hesitate, Captain, to give her as a wife to him? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 If she is agreable. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 My brother, it is my wish. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 So be it then. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 You do rightly. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Captain, do you betroth me to her for my wife? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I do betroth her. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 pointing to CURCULIO . And to him do I promise support at my expense. 
 
 
 CURCULIO 
 You do kindly. But * * * * * * * * 
 
 
 THER, 
 * * * * * But see, here's the Procurer coming; my treasurer 
 , I mean.

Enter CAPPADOX, in haste. 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 to himself . Those who say 
 it's bad for bankers to be trusted, utter nonsense; I say it's neither good nor bad for them to be trusted, and that, I've fully experienced this day. They are not 
 badly trusted, who never repay, but with whom it is lost outright. As for example, before this Lyco paid me the ten minæ, he had to go to every banker's counter. After there were no proceeds, I summoned the fellow with much noise; he appealed against me to the court. I was most confoundedly afraid that this day he'd be settling accounts with me before the Prætor 
 ; but my friends forced him, so he paid the money at home. Now I'm resolved to make haste to my house. Runs towards his door. 
 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Hallo! you Procurer; I want you. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 And I want you. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 But I don't want either of you. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Stay this instant, will you. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 And make you haste to disgorge the money with all despatch. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 to PHÆDROMUS . What have you to do with me? To the CAPTAIN. Or what have you? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Because this day I shall be making a javelin of you, discharged from a catapulta, and twist you with the string 
 , just as the catapultas are in the habit of doing. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 I'll this day make a coxcomb of you, to be sleeping with a puppy 
 in your bed--an iron one, I mean. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 But I'll make you both to be rotting in a strong-barred prison. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Seize him by the throat, and away with him to extreme torture. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 However that is, he'll be going there of his own accord. The CAPTAIN seizes him. 
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 O Gods and men, your aid! that I, uncondemned, and without evidence against me, should thus be dragged along! Prithee, Planesium, and you, Phædromus, do give me assistance. 
 
 
 PLANESIUM 
 Brother, I do beseech you, don't ruin him uncondemned; he treated me kindly and modestly at his house. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 That was through no inclination of his own; give you thanks to this Æsculapius 
 
 pointing to the Temple that you've preserved your chastity; for if he had been well, he'd long ago have packed you off wherever he could. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Now attend to me, both of you, if I can arrange between you. To the CAPTAIN. You let him go. Procurer, come you this way. I'll pronounce my opinion, if indeed you are ready to abide by what I shall decide you should do. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 We leaves it to you. He lets go of the PROCURER. 
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 So long, i' faith, as you give a decision to the effect that no one is to take the money away from me. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What, not that which you promised? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I, promised? How? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 With your tongue. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 With that same tongue I now gainsay it; that was given me by Nature for the purpose of speaking, not of losing my property. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 He's trifling; seize the fellow by the throat. Seizes him. CAP. I'll at once then do as you bid me. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Since you are an honest man, answer me this that I ask you. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Ask me what you please. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Did you not promise, that if any one should show that she pointing to PLANESIUM was freeborn, you would pay back all the money? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I don't remember saying so. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What, do you deny it? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I' faith, I really do deny it. In whose presence? In what place was it? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 In my own presence, and that of Lyco the banker. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Why don't you hold your tongue? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I shan't hold my tongue. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I don't care a rush for you; don't be bullying me. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 In my own presence and that of Lyco it took place. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 
 to the CAPTAIN . I quite believe you. Now, therefore, Procurer, that you may know my judgment, pointing to PLANESIUM she is a free woman; he pointing to the CAPTAIN is her brother, and she is his sister; she is engaged to me; do you restore him the money; that's my decision. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Upon my faith, Phædromus, you have given this decision corruptly. It shall both be bad for you, and you, Captain,--may the Gods and Goddesses confound you. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 And as for you, you shall be clapt in prison at once, unless the money's returned me. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 Then follow me. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Follow you where? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 To my banker--to the Prætor 
 ; for it's there that I pay my money to all persons to whom I'm indebted. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I'll be carrying you hence to prison, and not to the Prætor, if you don't pay back the money. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I do most earnestly wish you may come to a bad end, so don't misunderstand me 
 . 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 Do you really so? 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 I' faith, I really do so. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 I don't misunderstand these fists of mine. Holding them up. 
 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 What then? 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 What then, do you ask? With these same fists, if you provoke me, I'll be making you quiet immediately. 
 
 
 CAPPADOX 
 
 taking the money from his girdle . Well then, take this back at once. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 
 taking the money . By all means. 
 
 
 PHÆD. 
 Captain, you'll dine with me; the nuptials shall take place to-day. 
 
 
 THERAPONTIGONUS 
 May this matter turn out well for me and for yourselves. 
 
 
 An ACTOR. 
 Spectators, give us your applause.